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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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pregnant from affair

118 replies

clucketycluck · 01/05/2017 06:31

Hi. Have nc'd as very ashamed by my actions. I have no doubt I am going to be flamed for everything I write but I just can't deal with everything that's going on right now without saying something.
I have been married for nearly 6 years together for 9. I come from an abusive family home and ended up with my h when I was thrown out of my home under abusive circumstances.
We plodded along and I was so happy to not be in an abusive place anymore we stayed together and got married. Years down the line I can now see that my h took advantage of my situation. He has been financially and emotionally abusive to me and probably as a result of my actions most recently physically abusive.
I started an affair with one of my PA's. So cliche and pathetic and I would do anything to go back and change things but I can't. I thought I loved him and he loved me. It turns out he just liked sleeping with me. Anyway I know the right thing to do would have been to leave h and be alone. I had a toddler dd and no access to money and I did go to womensaid but was told that where I would end up would not be a good place and because I would get equity from a house sale (not enough to buy a new place) I would get hardly any help despite having no current access to any money with my financially abusive h stopping me having even access to my own salary. The affair just allowed me to release feelings I had been suppressing for a long time but it was very wrong and I regret it deeply. I ended up having a complete breakdown and stopped working a few weeks ago and was going to see a doctor about being so down about everything but then everything went even more wrong.
Last week I found out I was pregnant by OM. I didn't know if to tell him and I tried to wait until I saw him but ended up saying it on the phone after he stood me up meeting him and he flipped out saying I'd done it on purpose and started to say some really nasty things. He's now said I've ruined his life and he wants nothing to do with it. He has said he'll come to a termination appointment with me but I don't think he'll stand by that tbh.
I keep sleeping with this guy now in fear that he will just disappear on me and I have no friends or family so have only spoken to him about it and am just desperate for him to come to the termination app tbh.
I had some bleeding the other day and I text him and he just text saying oh hope you're ok and just keeps going out with his mates and I haven't heard from him since. He's a lot younger than me and keeps saying I've ruined his life can I not see that so now I am trying to sort it out myself. I'm booked for a termination on Wednesday but I don't even know if I can go through with it. But if I don't go through with it I will be a single mum to two young children with little support. Just hurting so much right now even though I deserve it. I honestly don't think I can just get rid of this baby but I am going to really hurt a lot of people if I don't. The only person in my life right now really is my h and I don't want to hurt him as when I had my breakdown he has said he will try to help me. But I can sense that the financial abuse is starting up again since I lost my job (we never needed my wage so he took it for savings, I only worked because I didn't want to end up dependent on him but now I am) although he has acted very kindly to me recently which is making me feel worse he has started to say that I should not buy any new things for the next two months while we adjust to me not working. (This is definitely not necessary. I don't spend much anyway as he has to know about everything I buy and if I don't tell him he checks statements and questions everything)
I don't think I can tell him what's happened without him getting very angry at me. He threw me across a room last year and although that's the only physical violence I have had with him I am so scared now.
I suppose I just am interested in opinions on what I should do now. I know I deserve everything bad that happens to me but I just need to hear it all I suppose. I am so scared. I've never felt so alone. I'm awake with worry after having embarrassed myself calling OM even though I know he's still out with his mates. My h is away next week so I'm thinking that I should just terminate and put everything behind me but I am struggling with stopping the pregnancy. Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Whatalready · 04/05/2017 08:45

Sending you a massive hug. Hoping that if you bled a little yesterday, mother nature will help you with this decision.

contrary13 · 04/05/2017 09:56

Oh, Cluck... Sad

As What said above, you may not need to terminate. But you have made a choice, and it's one that is right for you and, really, that's what matters. Not your husband, and not the "other man" (what a wanker, though!!! You should take responsibility for your actions?!?! Seriously?! How about he accept the fact that without his bodily fluids, you'd not be in this situation in the first place!).

Your husband is abusive... and so is the "other man".

Please learn from this and stop/break the cycle. Not only for your sake, but also for your daughter's. Believe me, it is possible to do so. Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 04/05/2017 10:37

Oh, and please be single for a while! Learn to work out who you are and what you want without some #%^##** interfering with you. It's so much harder to do when you are taking someone else into account all the time.

clucketycluck · 04/05/2017 18:29

Thanks. I will definitely be single after this is all over. TBH I just want to be alone and make decisions for myself for the first time in a long time.
I was able to spend more money when I lived with my parents on a crap wage than I do now from a recently senior professional salary. It's daft how I've let it continue. And today my H is at home and went out and spent £16 on cake from a fancy cake shop for himself. I just want to go mash it in his face! I'm sat here wearing clothes from years ago where I've supported him everytime he's said I can't buy anything. Ahhh anyway I think people are right once I have this over with I hope I can keep the momentum from these events going to give me the strength t to get out and my dd out. My DF from abroad has kindly said she is going to come back in June to help me sort out my divorce. Im actually starting to feel a bit better about everything.
Im trying to imagine 12 months time and just got to get through all this now.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 04/05/2017 18:37

You will get through it cluckerty and be stronger for it too. Flowers

allzwell · 04/05/2017 18:46

Terminate the pregnancy Op. cut contact with OM. Fight your corner and leave ur H. Don't beat yourself up about the affair. It's done. Try to move on and look for a long term solution.

Whatalready · 04/05/2017 19:00

You are doing great. Any one of these problems would floor most people so you are made of strong stuff. Your friend is a diamond, coming back to help! So pleased for you. Everything will work out. There ARE decent men in the world and one day you will be ready to meet him.

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 04/05/2017 19:31

Honey, i just saw your thread. I am awed by your strength of character. I know you can't see your own strength but trust me, one day you will and you are already heading in that direction. Until then you have a posse of vipers who've got your back.
Like a pp said i hope Mother Nature can take some of the responsibility off you but please remember you would not be terminating a baby. Just the potential to be a baby. I was in a similar situation but nowhere near as abusive. I had a termination as i needed to start a new life with toddler DD away from my alcoholic husband. Although i felt sad at times i have never in 15 years regretted the decision. I put me and her first and this would also be my advice to you. You have a hard road to travel, make your load easier.
I am rooting for you Cluckety.... here's some Cake just for you (16 quid on cake? What a porky fucker he must be!)
Sending strength and love.

gottariskitforabiscuit · 04/05/2017 22:48

Cluck I just wanted to be another one to let you know we're all here rooting for you keep us updated girl & please you & DD stay safe Smile you really are a strong woman keep looking forward you'll soon be free of all this SmileFlowers

dilapidated · 04/05/2017 23:05

You deserve so much more.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive, take action and start a new life.

It will be so much better for you soon I promise

MusicIsMedicine · 05/05/2017 02:38

Both of these men are cunts. You started bleeding and this prick was more concerned about washing his work stuff?! No concern whatsoever for you and his potential child!

I had an abusive prick leaning on me to terminate a pregnancy some time ago. I then started bleeding and the pregnancy ended on its own in hospital in a miscarriage. I came out and the day after when I was still bleeding and sore, prick wanted sex and started going on about his needs and didn't even as much as make a tea or food for me! I ran as fast as I could from him after that and thank fuck I did and as brutal as it sounds thank fuck I didn't have his child. In your situation I would not wait for mother nature, I would not hesitate to terminate. I am concerned for you that you're having bleeding and no medical checks - if a miscarriage occurs or an ectopic pregnancy, you don't want to be going in for a termination. Is it an option to see a doctor?

Atenco · 05/05/2017 05:09

Oh cluckety, Flowers.

One of the reasons you are so alone is because you are in an abusive relationship. That is nearly always part of the story. I really think you are doing the right thing in having this abortion, though I know how hard it is for you. You have to think of what is best for you, your dd and the future child, if you were to have it.

I think you might benefit from the freedom programme as these abusers have so much in common. You have got involved with two unpleasant men when you actually sound quite lovely.

Chinnygirl · 05/05/2017 06:45

Go to a bank, a different one than now, and open an account. Don't tell H. When you leave first withdraw half out of your joint account and put it in your own new one. Take out everything from the account in your own name that H has access to.Then leave. You will have some starting money this way.

Topuptheglass · 05/05/2017 08:37

Sorry if I missed it - but is there any way this baby is dh's?

It still would be best to have an abortion under the circumstances as both dh and OM sound abusive.

clucketycluck · 05/05/2017 10:28

Thanks. No chance is H he has been away a lot(!) bit embarrassed to admit that's how I know. I feel so disgusted with my actions. I am hoping something good can come from this though. Everything still booked for Wednesday and am feeling much better and more focussed now I feel like I'm doing the right thing. H away next week so that makes it easier as well. Just feel bad as didn't want to end up divorced. But I do feel like I can rebuild things. And yes my Df is amazing and tbh it's only for the reactions on here that made me tell her. I was too ashamed before. Even about H. Just counting down until Wednesday. Just want this over now.

OP posts:
contrary13 · 05/05/2017 11:10

Something good will come from this, Cluck. You will be showing your daughter that no man has the right to treat their partner/spouse in such an awful, degrading way as your husband/her father has treated you. Chances are, in a few years time, he'll do his utmost to treat your daughter in the same way. If/when you leave him, you will be telling your daughter that you both deserve better than that. Just be aware that abusive men like your husband often include their children, once they're "at that difficult stage" of growing up, in the abuse... which helps to perpetuate the cycle. My father adored me until I started school - and then he started to throw his weight around around/aimed at me, too. My mother (who is also abusive) left him when I was 3. She took me and DB2, who was then 13, back to her parents and said that she was going to divorce him. They talked her out of it - said how shameful it would be "to the family" if they had a divorcee for a daughter and grandchildren from a broken home. She went back to him, and because I was 3, I had to go back with her. DB2 was given a choice, because of his age, and he chose to stay with our grandparents. DB1, who was almost 18 at this point, lived outside of the home anyway, but once my mother took me back to my father... he came home every weekend/chance he could to make sure that I was okay. An awfully heavy responsibility to be placed on such young shoulders. But I was stuck there. With a physically abusive, violent father and an emotionally abusive, cold mother. Because my maternal grandparents didn't want the shame of a divorced daughter.

Please don't let anyone talk you out of doing what is best for your child and leaving your abusive marriage. Because my mother went back, and showed me that it is acceptable for a man to dominate a woman he's in a relationship with... that abusive behaviour is love... I ended up in an abusive relationship which I am very fortunate to have escaped with my life from. I am in no doubt that if I'd stayed, he would have killed both myself, and my daughter. Please don't allow that to be your daughter's future.

Your friend sounds amazing for having stepped in, without judgement, to help. For whatever reason a woman needs/has to terminate a pregnancy - she still needs real life shoulders to cry on, and to hold her up for a while. Don't be ashamed to confide in your friends, because that's why they're your friends, surely? They're there because they like/love you, and want what is best for you and your child.

Just remember that you are doing the right thing for you. That you have made the right choice for yourself and your daughter's future.

A friend of mine had an affair and ended up pregnant as a result - but she continued the pregnancy and passed the child off as her unsuspecting husband's. He was delighted as he'd been told he was infertile after a bad case of childhood mumps... but we all knew (know) that his adored only child isn't actually his. It made everyone in our friendship group view the friend who lied to her husband and who is now lying not only to him, but also to their child, very differently.

SandyY2K · 05/05/2017 13:31

Don't contact the OM again and proceed with the termination next week.

Then you can put a leaving and divorce plan in place.

With abusers like your H, don't argue with them. It won't get you anywhere. Simply say you are not happy in the marriage and want a divorce. It's not a question to him, but a statement.

Ignore any comments of how much he's helped and how much he's rescued you. Simply tell him you want to coparent well for DDs sake and don't get drawn into an argument.

If your H contests the divorce, you will likely have to be seperated for 5 years before a divorce.

Stay strong.

Atenco · 05/05/2017 15:32

And please stop beating yourself up about the affair. I think having a foolish affair because of a loveless marriage is not the same as someone who just does what they want and to hell with who they hurt.

Whatalready · 09/05/2017 18:56

I know that tomorrow will be a tough day for you to handle. I am so sorry that you have to go through it. You must take time to recover. Hormones will mess with your head but everything will pass and you will regain your strength and control of your life.
I am sure that you will have a baby in the future with a partner you can love and depend on. I have been in your shoes and do understand the variety of emotions.
Take care of yourself. Please keep posting.

AdoraBell · 09/05/2017 20:49

As others have said, better to be divorced than trapped. Good advice up there about bank accounts.

Paperdoll16 · 10/05/2017 07:22

Thinking of you today, cluck.

I hope this week hasn't brought up any more additional dramas.

Try and plan to leave early in case of any unexpected weather, people unintentionally turning up etc (I know you said you wasn't going to tell him this time) but just in case. The longer this goes on the more difficult it'll become.

Hope to hear from you later and that you are okay.

sleepingdragons · 10/05/2017 07:39

Thinking of you today Sad

I terminated a pregnancy to a bad man. I have great sadness - but for me at least it was the right thing to do.

I got away from him and I now have a relationship with a lovely decent man and two beautiful DC who would not exist if I'd not terminated back then.

Keep posting, we're here for you Flowers

sleepingdragons · 10/05/2017 07:40

I'm really sorry I'm not sure wherr that sad face came from I'm half asleep!

I'll try again.

Thnking of you Flowers

clucketycluck · 10/05/2017 08:28

Thanks. Waiting for a scan now. Completely in a daze. Will be happy for everything to be sorted though.

OP posts:
LiquorsOnDeck · 11/05/2017 09:27

Hoping you are ok.

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