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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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pregnant from affair

118 replies

clucketycluck · 01/05/2017 06:31

Hi. Have nc'd as very ashamed by my actions. I have no doubt I am going to be flamed for everything I write but I just can't deal with everything that's going on right now without saying something.
I have been married for nearly 6 years together for 9. I come from an abusive family home and ended up with my h when I was thrown out of my home under abusive circumstances.
We plodded along and I was so happy to not be in an abusive place anymore we stayed together and got married. Years down the line I can now see that my h took advantage of my situation. He has been financially and emotionally abusive to me and probably as a result of my actions most recently physically abusive.
I started an affair with one of my PA's. So cliche and pathetic and I would do anything to go back and change things but I can't. I thought I loved him and he loved me. It turns out he just liked sleeping with me. Anyway I know the right thing to do would have been to leave h and be alone. I had a toddler dd and no access to money and I did go to womensaid but was told that where I would end up would not be a good place and because I would get equity from a house sale (not enough to buy a new place) I would get hardly any help despite having no current access to any money with my financially abusive h stopping me having even access to my own salary. The affair just allowed me to release feelings I had been suppressing for a long time but it was very wrong and I regret it deeply. I ended up having a complete breakdown and stopped working a few weeks ago and was going to see a doctor about being so down about everything but then everything went even more wrong.
Last week I found out I was pregnant by OM. I didn't know if to tell him and I tried to wait until I saw him but ended up saying it on the phone after he stood me up meeting him and he flipped out saying I'd done it on purpose and started to say some really nasty things. He's now said I've ruined his life and he wants nothing to do with it. He has said he'll come to a termination appointment with me but I don't think he'll stand by that tbh.
I keep sleeping with this guy now in fear that he will just disappear on me and I have no friends or family so have only spoken to him about it and am just desperate for him to come to the termination app tbh.
I had some bleeding the other day and I text him and he just text saying oh hope you're ok and just keeps going out with his mates and I haven't heard from him since. He's a lot younger than me and keeps saying I've ruined his life can I not see that so now I am trying to sort it out myself. I'm booked for a termination on Wednesday but I don't even know if I can go through with it. But if I don't go through with it I will be a single mum to two young children with little support. Just hurting so much right now even though I deserve it. I honestly don't think I can just get rid of this baby but I am going to really hurt a lot of people if I don't. The only person in my life right now really is my h and I don't want to hurt him as when I had my breakdown he has said he will try to help me. But I can sense that the financial abuse is starting up again since I lost my job (we never needed my wage so he took it for savings, I only worked because I didn't want to end up dependent on him but now I am) although he has acted very kindly to me recently which is making me feel worse he has started to say that I should not buy any new things for the next two months while we adjust to me not working. (This is definitely not necessary. I don't spend much anyway as he has to know about everything I buy and if I don't tell him he checks statements and questions everything)
I don't think I can tell him what's happened without him getting very angry at me. He threw me across a room last year and although that's the only physical violence I have had with him I am so scared now.
I suppose I just am interested in opinions on what I should do now. I know I deserve everything bad that happens to me but I just need to hear it all I suppose. I am so scared. I've never felt so alone. I'm awake with worry after having embarrassed myself calling OM even though I know he's still out with his mates. My h is away next week so I'm thinking that I should just terminate and put everything behind me but I am struggling with stopping the pregnancy. Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
clucketycluck · 02/05/2017 19:25

Thanks all. I am starting to get very nervous for my appointment tomorrow but I am going to go and make a decision. I am not 100% but I'm hoping it becomes clear tomorrow. I will get counselling apparently before I make a decision. I am very sad this has all come about.
I won't run away from home but I will make sure I am safe. The solicitor I saw made it clear that it's easier to divorce under normal circumstances rather than claim financial abuse as it's difficult to prove unless I've reported everything several times. And even then it's difficult given that some of it is purely me being too scared to withdraw money etc.
I am now trying to set up online banking to stop having to go to the bank. Again something I've been too scared to do as my H has changed all my passwords to everything online before then tried to tell me I changed them myself and I as to call him to ask what they were. I definitely didn't change them myself. I hope that these weeks pass quickly. Just difficult and I appreciate the help from here. I have felt completely isolated from people and I know some people are stronger and might do things differently to me but I have felt so low and finally not feeling so bad.

OP posts:
Whatalready · 02/05/2017 20:53

Will be thinking about you tomorrow. This has to be the right decision for you and not mumsnet. If it feels right stick with it whatever it is. This is the start of you taking charge of how YOU want YOUR life. Keep posting.

gottariskitforabiscuit · 02/05/2017 21:01

Just wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow OP il be thinking of you too & whatever you choose to do you will be ok 😌 Please keep us updated, take care of yourself & your DD Flowers

LostPeppers · 02/05/2017 21:07

clukety i really really feel for you. Most people would struggle to deal with one of those issues in its own but having to deal with North an emotionally abusive H and an unwanted pg with OM is a hell of a lot.

I am not going to have a go at you for any of the things that have happened. In some ways, they are actually quite understandable.

Can I ask? Are you working, working full time? You are talking about your H controlling your own wage.
YY to opening ANOTHER account, one that he doesn't know about so you can have your wage sent to that one when you decide to leave.

Tbh, I would plan things as if you couldn't get anything from the marriage/assets. Then anything is a bonus. But remember that you WILL be able to live from your wage/get access to benefits etc...
Also fully agree about contacting WA again. You might not want to use their shelter accommodation but you will be able to do with the Freedom Program, knowing who would be a good sollicitor for you and any advice they can give you re benefits etc....

Re tomorrow. Please do. Whatever feels right for you. Don't listen to MN. No one on here will have to live with the consequence of your decision.
But do break up properly with OM. He had his uses but now he isn't helpful to you. He won't be there to support you. Don't bank on it. He won't be the prince that will save you from your abusive marriage :(

Also, is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Someone that could keep some documents for you or somewhere you could stay for a bit when you are leaving and until you can find your feet again?
Do you still have the savings your H wanted you to move to his account?

clucketycluck · 02/05/2017 21:57

Thanks for the advice. I quit my FT job because of the stress a month ago so am unemployed now. A bit down about that because might have made this situation a little better. However I am pretty sure I will get a new job. I sent my cv off last week in a desperate attempt to sort things out and have had a few calls.
I don't receive any benefits now but should if I split with H. I don't have anyone in RL except one close friend who moved to another country a couple of years ago. She has been helpful and even offered to pay for me to go to counselling but is too far away to see me and her time zone means difficult to call at a good time.
I feel good I have to make a decision. It's easier than just sitting on everything as I have been.
Just a difficult decision to make.
My salary for a few years is somewhere in saving accounts in his name because I wasn't allowed it as I needed to contribute fairly (i.e. Everything I had then only spend what I'm allowed by him and account for everything I buy) so I wont have nothing at all but it will soon enough run out if I'm on my own. H also forced me to open up some ISA's with any money in my name that I wouldn't send over to him basically so I'd have slower access to the money so I will have to dig that paperwork out (he stood over me whilst I phoned the bank to sort it. He's done that 100's of times to make sure he knows exactly what's in my personal accounts). He tells me all the time I've spent too much in a month I need to be more careful, once told me I should not have bought a sandwich how can I think we can afford it. It was from a church cafe maybe cost £1.50, funny how when he wanted to buy a brand new luxury sports car he somehow manages to get everything together. He buys me expensive things as well sometimes and I know it's so when I go out I look like I do have things. I hide his purchases away though. They feel so insincere. Hopefully I'll be able to sell those as well when I'm out.
I came from an abusive home where much worse happened and I am only just realising I've fallen into a lot of the same traps I lived under before because I failed to recognise what wasn't normal. It's only sometimes I mention things to people and they say to me that's just not normal. And I go home and never mention it again but I do try to think what is normal now. Telling me off about a £1.50 sandwich isn't normal. But I couldn't see it at the time! I know this doesn't condone the mess I'm in but I do want to sort this out and I will live with the consequences either way.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 02/05/2017 22:02

I hope tomorrow goes alright whatever you decide. Make sure the decision is the right one for you. Flowers

LiquorsOnDeck · 02/05/2017 22:30

Wishing your strength - try to get some sleep.

picklemepopcorn · 03/05/2017 05:55

You can see your situation really clearly now. You will make the right choice.

Have they filled your role at work? You could ask if it is open or reapply. Explain you were stressed and should have got signed off briefly, but are resolving your situation and want to come back.

Teabay · 03/05/2017 06:19

Flowers just for you and your decision.
Be strong, think long term.

sheepashwap · 03/05/2017 07:30

Good luck today OP, whatever you decide.

contrary13 · 03/05/2017 08:36

Cluckity, you have my sympathy. Whilst yes, you did something incredibly stupid by having an affair, it's clear from what you've written that the reasons as to why are complex. Everyone does something daft, or stupid at least once in their lives, and I whilst most of us wouldn't have extra-marital affairs, I suspect that very few would/will sit in absolute judgement on you and this horrible, awful situation. Yes, you're in this situation because of the choice(s) which you have made - and the consequences of that choice are, for you, awful right now. But they don't have to be.

Your husband is abusive.

Leave him. Take your daughter (who you're teaching how to be a wife/girlfriend... and believe me, she will end up in an abusive relationship herself at some point, unless you break the cycle!) and run. Yes, she has the right to a relationship with her father... and that should be facilitated. However. She also has the right to live in an environment which isn't abusive. So do you. How do you think your husband is going to react when he finds out that you're pregnant as the result of an affair? Because if you can be so certain that the pregnancy is the OM's, then that means your husband will know, without doubt, that it's not his, too. If you have a termination, you will carry the feelings of shame and guilt that are currently consuming you for the rest of your life. You won't be able to talk to anyone about it, because no one in your life will know about it. It will be your burden to carry alone. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. If you don't have a termination and continue the pregnancy, then your husband's abuse will ramp up - towards you and your child(ren). Would you wish that on yourself? On your daughter? Do you truly believe that is all you are both worth? Because you're not. She's not. So run, before your husband's physical abuse ramps up.

As for the "other man"... well. You were a boost to his ego, he's told you who he actually is (so listen to what he's telling you!), he's pushing for a termination, when he actually has little-to-no say in the process of you making a choice about your body, and he's shown only the same amount of concern that a total stranger would for someone's health (ie, extremely little, and actually I'd say "none"). He's not going to be there for you if you have a termination and he certainly won't be there for you if you don't, I'm afraid. I'm willing to bet that he's only hanging around because he wants you to terminate and perhaps is even bullying you towards it, irregardless of what you want to do regarding your body and your choices/options.

I suspect that you had the affair because you were desperate to feel loved, needed, appreciated... everything which your husband no longer makes you feel. You say that you come from an abusive family background... and now you're replicating it for your daughter, whether you realise it, or not. You have to acknowledge that this situation, this set-up isn't good for the child you already have and that you have to change that - for both, perhaps all three, of you. The "other man" is also, I'm afraid, subtly abusive towards you - emotionally, at least. And he is by no means innocent in this. You might be married, but he chose to have the affair with you, knowing that you're married. You are equally to blame/at fault... but you're the only one who will end up hurt by whatever happens next. You have another choice to make, which will have consequences that, one way or another, will reverberate through the entirity of the rest of your life. Please make the right one.

And leave your husband.

I am a single mother to two children with no support whatsoever. I don't receive any financial support from my DS' father... just as I didn't from my DD's biological father. He's been absent since I left him when I was pregnant... because, like you, I was in an abusive relationship. Pregnant. Being pushed to terminate, even though I didn't want to. And my parents are dysfunctional without the "fun". My son's father was also emotionally abusive (and very like your "other man", I suspect), so believe me when I say that I can spot the signs a mile off. If I can be a lone parent with no support... then anyone can. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, you'll hate yourself for breaking up your child's family. And yes, it is/can be exhausting when you're the one who ends up doing absolutely everything for your child(ren). But being free from abuse, knowing that your child(ren) is safe from it... makes it all worth it.

Whatever you decide, I truly and very sincerely wish you luck - and hope that you not only make the right choice for you/your daughter, but come to understand that we cannot rely on anyone for our own happiness (in other words, be single for a while, learn to love yourself, learn to believe that you're worth so much better than your husband and the "other man") Flowers

ijustwannadance · 03/05/2017 09:30

Do you ever see his bank statements etc? If he buys expensive things and a new car, there may not be any savings left.

Be strong and leave. Get settled then find a job knowing your salary will be yours. He will fight to make sure you get as little as possible in the divorce but tbh, getting the fuck out of there and away from him is more important. He will still have to pay for his child.

Flowers
SparklyMagpie · 03/05/2017 09:34

Hand holding and wishing everything goes aswell as can do today OP Flowers

Emmageddon · 03/05/2017 09:40

Thinking of you today @clucketycluck Flowers

You may not have much RL support but lots of us vipers have your back. Hope you're okay.

SandyY2K · 03/05/2017 11:43

You can go to the bank and request a new bank card for the joint account.

You need to have an account he doesn't know about and do not have statements sent by post. Opt for online only.

You need an escape plan. I think termination is the better option for you. Then get away with your DC.

You don't want them growing up in that environment or the cycle will just repeat and your DD will become you in 20 years time.

Make a brighter future for her.

AdoraBell · 03/05/2017 12:06

Hope tomorrow goes okay for you OP

As others have said, your H is abusive. Well done on getting legal advice. Good plan to use the time he is away to organise. But please make sure you are safe.

Paperdoll16 · 03/05/2017 12:30

Thinking of you today, cluckety.

I hope you have some in RL supporting you today, either way.

whichever decision you make you're going to feel incredibly sad. I just hope you feel you've made the right decision for you and your DD.

Teabay · 03/05/2017 14:40

Hope you're ok Flowers

Whatalready · 03/05/2017 14:55

It must have been an emotional morning. Hope the counsellor was kind and helpful xx

viques · 03/05/2017 15:39

Cluckety, I don't know what you decided to do today. Whatever your decision remember that however things pan out in the future you made the RIGHT decision for you and your family for the RIGHT reason today, which is all any of us can ever do.

Reading through I think it is clear that you are also re evaluating your life choices and looking at alternative possibilities that offer better chances for your children and a more fulfilling and self valuing life for you. It takes such courage to change direction and walk into the unknown. I wish you well on your journey, wanting and needing to change is the first step. Stay strong.

picklemepopcorn · 03/05/2017 15:59

Thinking of you, cluckety, whatever you decided. Stay strong, stay safe.

clucketycluck · 04/05/2017 07:18

So I thought I would update. OM turned up on my doorstep before the appointment and I stupidly let him in. I wanted him away. He kept digging at me saying why are you putting make up on you won't need that will you it's a fucking abortion and saying I need to call a taxi.
I called a taxi and because we had bad weather where I live yesterday all the firms were saying they couldn't get a cab out to me to get to my appointment on time. So I said to OM I will have to drive then as he doesn't. And he said I'm stupid to have not booked a taxi and how can I let this happen, I should take responsibility for my actions just shouting at me. Anyway I couldn't stop crying he walks out and I tried to drive but I just got down the road in a mess and went back home. The appointment is rebooked for next Wednesday now and I'm not going to tell OM. I'm going to just go alone and I definitely know what I'm going to do now.
He came back later after a few hours and said sorry but he wants this sorted.
I started bleeding before he left and I said I was worried and he said he had to go as he needed to get home to wash his work stuff.
I haven't heard from him since. The bleeding has stopped but I am the most alone and scared I've been before and hope this week hurrys up. Thanks for the help. In a way it's better this has happened. I couldn't bring a child into this mess and I wouldn't want a child near that man.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 04/05/2017 07:25

cluck a know it must really hard for you but I think you are doing the right thing, this man sounds like a right catch (not), he's not supportive at all and doesnt sound like the sort of person you want in your life. Book a taxi for Wednesday and go without him, don't let him anywhere near you again, draw a line under it and move on with your life.

picklemepopcorn · 04/05/2017 07:28

Oh cluckety. What a shame. He's an excuse of a man. I'm sorry you have to wait a week to resolve it, but I suppose it gives you more time to come to terms with everything. Your world really has turned upside down. BrewCake

picklemepopcorn · 04/05/2017 07:30

I'm shocked he came to your house. What a pig he is.