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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My partner is upset I now earn more than him?!

216 replies

Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 00:06

I have recently been promoted to a management job, which has increased my salary. I also work for my father doing some admin work at home for his construction business. I decided to do both jobs as they pay well and I really enjoy both. However, due to me getting a promotion, it now means I earn more than my partner. We have had so many arguments over it. He's now said to me that I either quit one of my jobs or he will leave me. This has really upset me, as before me getting the promotion we were financially struggling, so I can't quit the hotel job. However, I can't quit the job for my father as not only does he pay me well, he pays for our dd to go to private school (my mother wanted her to go to private as she picks her up every day from school and the school is a 5 minute walk from their house). I don't know what to do, be financially unstable to please him or to leave him, which I can't see myself doing! How do I come about this?

OP posts:

Report

DangerMouse17 · 16/04/2017 00:09

Tell him to fuck off. Are we living in the 1950's?

gettinfedduppathis · 16/04/2017 00:10

He's now said to me that I either quit one of my jobs or he will leave me
Did he say why?

HerOtherHalf · 16/04/2017 00:11

Let him leave.

peri89 · 16/04/2017 00:13

You want to be with someone like that?

Blackbird82 · 16/04/2017 00:13

I'd call his bluff. Tell him to get out!

I bet he doesn't though.

Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 00:13

Because I earn more than him, he finds it embarrassing, and that he's failing as a husband.

OP posts:

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 16/04/2017 00:13

I'd get in first & leave him if that's his attitude.

KickAssAngel · 16/04/2017 00:13

Keep doing your jobs and leave him to work out why he's such a tosser.
you clearly can't rely on this idiot, so remain independent.

RebelRogue · 16/04/2017 00:14

Why does he feel like this? Is it something fixable through therapy,talking etc.?

Either way do not jeopardise your financial security(as a family,and yours as an individual for him).

QuiteLikely5 · 16/04/2017 00:16

Tell him you aren't going to leave your job.

He won't go. He will just stay with you and feel resentful and inferior that he does not have a good job

DangerMouse17 · 16/04/2017 00:17

He should be proud of you and he is actually "failing" as a husband by showing his weak character and selfishness over the matter.

He either gets with the programme or leaves. His issue not yours!

Obsidian77 · 16/04/2017 00:17

Congratulations on your promotion.
do not quit either of your jobs.
Either your OH learns to grow up and deal with it or you bid him farewell. How can your relationship work long term?

noego · 16/04/2017 00:18

Leave you?? How many bin liners do you need?

sniffle12 · 16/04/2017 00:18

If he is so egotistical that he would rather be financially struggling or not have you at all, than have you earn more than him, I'd have to question the relationship.

One of the nails in the coffin of my relationship with a narcissist was that I got a better degree result than him (he still got a respectable 2:1, I got a first) and the day we collected our results he stonewalled me all day until I cried with frustration trying to get him to engage with me, and didn't even say congratulations once.

Relationships should be a partnership in which both partners pool their strengths and resources and mutually benefit as a result. If he truly saw it as a partnership, more money should be good news for him no matter where it has come from. But it sounds like his main relationship is with his ego, and you're just something which feeds into that when it suits him. Unless this is seriously unusual behaviour for him and he's usually very reasonable and supportive, I'm afraid to say it can only end badly.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 16/04/2017 00:19

Remin independent and suggest if it bothers him so much he should get a better paying job.

ijustwannadance · 16/04/2017 00:19

What an utter cock. Tell him to get a better job.

HecateAntaia · 16/04/2017 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnishing · 16/04/2017 00:21

He's definitely failing as a husband, he's succeeding as a dickhead though.

nigelforgotthepassword · 16/04/2017 00:22

The 1940's are calling, they say 'do you want to come back?'
Tell him to do one....

Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 00:23

He was brought up with a father who worked and a mother who was a stay at home mum, although I was brought up the same, I chose not to be at stay at home mum as I love my jobs and we I couldn't do it as we would be in a severe financial state. My partner wants me to really just stay at home, but there is just no way of me doing that, I'm guessing his upbringing really has influenced his views on my role in the family and my career.

OP posts:

TyneTeas · 16/04/2017 00:24

Is there some cap on earnings that partners need to be matched with each other now?

If it wasn't something that was an issue when you earned less, it shouldn't be an issue now you earn more.

If you earned what you now do but he also earned more would that now again be okay to him??

Chippednailvarnishing · 16/04/2017 00:26

Nothing to do with his upbringing, he's just an insecure dick.

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TyneTeas · 16/04/2017 00:29

You can have a particular upbringing but yet make different choices for your own life

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 16/04/2017 00:30

Dont make excuses for him op. Be wants you to earn leas than him so he can lord it over you. He wants you to be a sahm so he can control you.

misskelly · 16/04/2017 00:32

He's failing you as a husband and your daughter as a father, what a role model for her. If you quit for him resentment will eventually destroy your relationship anyway, but by then you will not be in a financial position to get rid of him.

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