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My best friend cut me out of her life because of something I said, and I'm finding it difficult

(116 Posts)
user1488306410 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:29:20

I've upset my best friend of 10 years, and now she wants nothing to do with me. I only saw her two weeks ago and we spent the day watching movies and planning a summer holiday together. But the next day I was browsing facebook when I saw she had written a very angry status: "how dare you talk badly of me just to make yourself look better, you don't know me, you are a fake friend". It was then I realized that it was me she was mad at since she had ignored a message I sent her earlier. I was confused at first but then I clicked on to what I'd done.

Turns out she found something I had written about her online a few months ago. It sounds stupid but I was into psychology and I was learning about personality types (known as mbti). I was trying to figure out the 'types' of myself, my friends and family etc...but I struggled to figure them out. So I went on a forum specially made for 'typing' people and wrote a list of mine and my friend's personality traits (not mentioning any names). Unfortunately, I did put a lot of lot of negative traits like stubborn, passive-aggressive, easily irritated etc. I really wasn't intending to be mean, just trying to paint a picture -- I said the similar things about myself too. So that is what she found and I'm devastated I've upset her because it's not how I truly see her. It was just an objective observation to try and understand her better.

I tried to apologise numerous times over the next week. I explained about the personality types and what I was trying to do. She replied and said she didn't understand why we were friends if I thought that badly of her. She concluded that I wasn't a bad person but I wasn't a good friend and she was too hurt to ever trust me again. She said she was happy alone. I was so upset with myself. I told her how much I appreciated her and even spent an evening making her a big apology card and sent it to her, but now she has completely stopped speaking to me.

I just can't believe I have lost a friend just because I was trying to figure her personality type on an anonymous website. I totally understand how hurt she must have felt reading it. I just wish she'd realize I think the world of her, despite anything bad I said. I know friends are supposed to have each others backs no matter what and I feel like I've failed. I see imperfections in everyone and that doesn't mean I think any less of them. I'm just over-analytical like that and I'd never be deliberately mean.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because I'm feeling so down about it all right now and I'm just looking for some advice. Will she ever be able to forgive me when I can hardly forgive myself? sad

MsMims Tue 28-Feb-17 21:32:12

Are you sure that's really the reason? Seems strange that she would find something written anonymously months ago. Did she tell you she had found it or did you offer it as the reason and she ran with it?

iremembericod Tue 28-Feb-17 21:33:33

Does your friend use mumsnet?

MagicMarkers Tue 28-Feb-17 21:36:31

How would she know what you'd written on an anonymous forum or that it was about her? Does she know your username or something?

ninenicknames Tue 28-Feb-17 21:37:13

How did she figure if was about her on an anonymous website/forum and you had written it?

MrsDustyBusty Tue 28-Feb-17 21:39:16

Why do you think your descriptions were objective?

iremembericod Tue 28-Feb-17 21:39:17

There are literally thousands of MBTI forums and it is a massive coincidence that she found your post amongst millions.

And if she was there, she too clearly was into MBTI so why didn't you just ask her her type?

SandyY2K Tue 28-Feb-17 21:39:46

Did she find it on the website? Or read it on your phone or PC?
I would be careful to fully anonymise such things to protect your identity and that I'd others.

Don't have your real name as a username.

You'll have to accept that the friendship is over. I'd probably feel the same as she does in her situation. You have no option but to move on and hope she doesn't tell mutual friends about it.

That's the Myers Briggs thing isn't it? I did it on a course at work.

BiscuitMillionaire Tue 28-Feb-17 21:40:16

Now you can add 'holds a grudge' to the list.

Sorry for being flippant. I don't think what you did was so bad, but perhaps most of us are worried about what our friends secretly think of us, and you've justified her fears.

If I was the friend I would probably be a bit hurt, but I wouldn't cut you off for evermore.

SewMeARiver Tue 28-Feb-17 21:43:20

Oh how awful! It does seem as though you've done everything you possibly can though. I think all you can do is get on with things and give her time to miss you. She may relent in time. I get what you mean about being analytical. I am analytical with people too. I note their bad points and good points equally but do not allow the bad to pverride the good and prevent me from forming friendships.

LineysRun Tue 28-Feb-17 21:45:35

How on earth did she find it?

I think that's relevant.

GirlElephant Tue 28-Feb-17 21:47:14

Has you found this all out by phone or text? How long have you both been friends? Like others have said how did she find our you did this & how did she know this was her you were describing?

user1488306410 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:47:35

I think she found it by typing my username into google (I know I was stupid to have a recognizable username)...from the sounds of it she didn't even know what mbti was which makes it harder to explain why i did it. By objective, I just meant that I listed obvious traits that anyone would know about her. There was no malice involved. E.g. for my sister I said she's a bit oversensitive, she can't make decisions easily etc to narrow her type down. And yes, I am sure this is the reason she is mad...she feels judged and hated and I can't even say how sorry I am.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Tue 28-Feb-17 21:48:09

I had a friend like you. She said some horrible things to me suddenly, out of the blue. She half apologised at the time, but then went on to justify herself by saying how difficult a friend I've been, listing my faults, and then being suprised when I didn't want to talk to her. She then accused me of not letting things go, again telling me how awful a friend I am. I'm too sensitive, apparently.

Not quite the same as your situation, but I'm devastated my friend saw me in than way. It's like she took all the things I secretly hate about myself, and just threw them at me as justification for being horrible to me, and then blamed me when I 'over reacted'.

Just an alternative perspective

Haffdonga Tue 28-Feb-17 21:51:38

Why do you want to be her friend if you think she's passive aggressive, stubborn and easily irritated?

MrsDustyBusty Tue 28-Feb-17 21:52:19

I don't think it's possible to be objective about people you have a relationship with. The fact that you had a lot of negative things to mention is interesting. She may have hoped that you didn't perceive her in that way. For example, you choose to see her as easily irritated. I wonder whether she would frame her responses in that way? Someone who liked her might say she doesn't suffer fools gladly, for example

Iris65 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:52:24

My sister wrote stuff about me on social media to a third person. She didn't think that I would see it but I did. I felt physically sick when I read it. It was just as if someone had punched me hard in the belly. It took days for the physicla symptoms of shock to leave me and it still hurts now a year later,.I did not see her or speak to her for 8 months. I have seen her twice since then, but in the context of other family issues and history I have decided that life is too short to be around her.

DelphiniumBlue Tue 28-Feb-17 21:53:33

Hang on, why was she typing your username into Google? That's a bit of a weird (stalkerish?) thing to do.

user1488306410 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:54:20

I didn't blame her or tell her she was oversensitive for reacting the way she did. I told her I understand how hurt she was and that I was deeply sorry. The only thing I explained was why I said some of the things I said. But I didn't justify what I did at all. What I did was wrong.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Tue 28-Feb-17 21:54:36

It's a really really awful feeling when someone points out your faults like that. Lists all the aspects of your personality that you secretly hate, but hope nobody sees. To have your best friend have that opinion of you... It's awful. sad

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Tue 28-Feb-17 21:55:38

Im protecting.. Sorry. Your situation is fairly similar to mine (was an email out of the blue).

WhiteCaribou Tue 28-Feb-17 21:56:20

I don't understand why she was googling your username. What was she looking for? What was she trying to find out about you? It seems very odd. It's like the saying that eavesdroppers never hear any good about themselves.

BertrandRussell Tue 28-Feb-17 21:58:56

The Myers-Briggs thing has been shown to be bullshit anyway.

user1488306410 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:59:14

I have no idea why she was looking for me or why she was reading through my posts. To be honest, I didn't think too much about it at the time (we've all looked other people up before) but I'm curious now..

atheistmantis Tue 28-Feb-17 21:59:43

How did she find out your username? At some point you must have told her that you used the site and used an obvious username, otherwise how would she know to go and visit when she didn't know about MBTI?

I think you need to give her time and space and accept that she might not be ready to forgive you.

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