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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My best friend cut me out of her life because of something I said, and I'm finding it difficult

115 replies

user1488306410 · 28/02/2017 21:29

I've upset my best friend of 10 years, and now she wants nothing to do with me. I only saw her two weeks ago and we spent the day watching movies and planning a summer holiday together. But the next day I was browsing facebook when I saw she had written a very angry status: "how dare you talk badly of me just to make yourself look better, you don't know me, you are a fake friend". It was then I realized that it was me she was mad at since she had ignored a message I sent her earlier. I was confused at first but then I clicked on to what I'd done.

Turns out she found something I had written about her online a few months ago. It sounds stupid but I was into psychology and I was learning about personality types (known as mbti). I was trying to figure out the 'types' of myself, my friends and family etc...but I struggled to figure them out. So I went on a forum specially made for 'typing' people and wrote a list of mine and my friend's personality traits (not mentioning any names). Unfortunately, I did put a lot of lot of negative traits like stubborn, passive-aggressive, easily irritated etc. I really wasn't intending to be mean, just trying to paint a picture -- I said the similar things about myself too. So that is what she found and I'm devastated I've upset her because it's not how I truly see her. It was just an objective observation to try and understand her better.

I tried to apologise numerous times over the next week. I explained about the personality types and what I was trying to do. She replied and said she didn't understand why we were friends if I thought that badly of her. She concluded that I wasn't a bad person but I wasn't a good friend and she was too hurt to ever trust me again. She said she was happy alone. I was so upset with myself. I told her how much I appreciated her and even spent an evening making her a big apology card and sent it to her, but now she has completely stopped speaking to me.

I just can't believe I have lost a friend just because I was trying to figure her personality type on an anonymous website. I totally understand how hurt she must have felt reading it. I just wish she'd realize I think the world of her, despite anything bad I said. I know friends are supposed to have each others backs no matter what and I feel like I've failed. I see imperfections in everyone and that doesn't mean I think any less of them. I'm just over-analytical like that and I'd never be deliberately mean.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because I'm feeling so down about it all right now and I'm just looking for some advice. Will she ever be able to forgive me when I can hardly forgive myself? :(

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488306410 · 01/03/2017 14:09

I know it was cruel. I can't rationalize it. I think what made me feel like it was okay at the time was that I was with my sister and we were trying to 'type' her too and she was pretty cool about putting her 'negative' qualities on there, and I just got carried away, but I really should have thought twice about doing it to other people without their consent. Not that I even named her or named myself or knew any single person on the forum but that's not the point. The point is, she discovered something she knew must have been about her, written by someone she thought she trusted. I can't even begin to explain how upset I feel and I know this is going to eat away at me for a very long time. If I had a problem with our friendship I should have told her at the time and not let my frustrations slip out on a stupid personality website. I deeply, truly regret it.

OP posts:
AreYouDoneYet · 01/03/2017 15:04

I find it intereresting that you posted that stuff about her months ago and she was blissfully unaware, she then spends a day with you, goes home and is compelled to google. Sounds like something was said that day that made her go looking imo.

My advice would be to leave the woman alone and don't go puting anything more about her on the internet.....like you've done here.

LineysRun · 01/03/2017 19:35

You sound like you were in a relationship.

Funnyonion17 · 01/03/2017 19:49

Op in the nicest possible way, you sound a bit too invested in this friendship and your level of loss and the way your beating yourself up is OTT IMO. So you listed a few character traits, some good and some bad. It's hardly bitching, we all have our inner thoughts about others and none of us worships the ground our friends walk on completely, some of mine have real annoying traits.

From what you said about fighting for the friendship before, I bet she knows your quite sensitive in that way and she can call the shots due to your fear. As previous poster said it's more like a relationship then friendship, an unbalanced one.

Are you sure she even read something you wrote? I've seen a few posts on Facebook this past year, vague posts designed to attract attention or to weed out fakes etc. Maybe you jumped to conclusions and confessed and now she's basking in the whole push pull dynamic. I dunno, something just screams off about your friendship to me.

unfortunateevents · 01/03/2017 20:34

I still don't understand how she managed to work out what your username could potentially be - I mean, unless you were using your actual name where would she even start with googling names?? However, if you were unwise enough to use a username which it was easy for her to work out, I'm not surprised that she is feeling hurt. If she can work out your name, so can other people! You said you even mentioned her job on this forum so I'm sure other people could Google and work out who you were talking about as well!

AreYouDoneYet · 01/03/2017 20:37

Something not quite right about this whole thing. I see that this isn't the only place you've posted about this, you really are trying to get it out there. Are you writing this hoping she with find it?

IamFriedSpam · 01/03/2017 20:39

AreYouDoneYet I was guessing that too - maybe she actually posted about friend on mumsnet with enough identifying details for friend to identify herself and OP?

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 01/03/2017 20:42

It's hardly bitching, we all have our inner thoughts about others and none of us worships the ground our friends walk on completely, some of mine have real annoying traits

But we don't post a character assassination online of out friends while amateurishly trying to psychoanalyse them with the help of the internet.

unfortunateevents · 01/03/2017 20:52

Areyoudoneyet - do you mean the OP has posted this scenario on other forums as well?

Funnyonion17 · 01/03/2017 21:25

But we don't post a character assassination online of out friends while amateurishly trying to psychoanalyse them with the help of the internet.

It hardly went down like that though did it! The OP didn't name her friend, it was anonymous and it wasn't an assassination. Good and bad traits were listed. Nobody can link the post to said friend, if anything the friend invaded ops privacy and was a bit stalkerish!

unfortunateevents · 01/03/2017 21:47

It obviously wasn't anonymous though was it?! The OP's friend identified herself from it. And if she reads this thread, she will certainly recognise herself again.

Gabilan · 01/03/2017 21:49

it's not how I truly see her. It was just an objective observation to try and understand her better.

If it's what you view as an objective observation then it is how you see her. For someone who claims to be analytical you're not doing a great job with analysing the inherent problems with objectivity.

I know I have faults - we all do. My friends tease me about them to my face. Thing is, they know these faults make me me, so they like them. Yes, I'm bolshy but they've been in situations where that bolshiness has worked in their favour because I've stuck up for them. And yes I'm stubborn, but again if I'm determined on their behalf it's not a fault.

I'm not sure exactly what's going on here. But I'm sorry OP - I wouldn't forgive you for this. I agree with PP - you can leave the door open, but other than that you can't do anything.

Funnyonion17 · 01/03/2017 21:58

Nah. Anonymous is still anonymous. She recognised herself only by the username, investigations and then assumptions.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 01/03/2017 23:17

Nah. Anonymous is still anonymous. She recognised herself only by the username, investigations and then assumptions

If you're recognisable, you;re not anonymous. You can't be both.

StormZelda · 01/03/2017 23:27

in defence of myers briggs, passive aggression is not linked to any particular type.

unfortunateevents · 01/03/2017 23:34

If you're recognisable, you;re not anonymous. You can't be both - indeed.

I'm also intrigued about the forum on which you posted all these details of your/her/your sister's personality types in order to determine your "type". What happens once you have put all this information out there - do other forum users then come along and give their opinion on what type you are?

Voice0fReason · 02/03/2017 00:16

I'd dump you too.
You posted easily identifiable information about her to "analyse" her without permission.
You only posted negative traits.
Incredibly rude behaviour from you.

I'm not convinced that you didn't give her some indication that you had done this. Why would she suddenly go looking for your posts?

TitaniasCloset · 02/03/2017 00:32

I don't think what you did was so awful, I'm surprised at pp saying they would cut you off too. I used to ve into star signs and all that too, and the negative traits are listed alongside the positive ones. It's no big deal. Maybe she isn't as invested in the friendship as you are. Leave her be, if she was a good friend this will blow over. Very odd that she was Google stalking you though. Sounds to me as if she has all the power in this friendship.

maggiecate · 02/03/2017 02:55

Myers-Briggs tests are meant to be a self-assessment tool (albeit a very unscientific one). You're meant to take the test yourself, not take it on behalf of others. You've put in your assumptions of what your friends answers would be, came up with a not particularly flattering pen portrait, and then put it online in such a way that she could identify herself - and if she could then so could someone else.

That's a pretty big breach of trust. Now you're posting about her again on another public forum, which suggests you haven't really learned anything from this - if she was reading this do you think she'd be in any doubt as to who it was about?

Your title say you're finding it difficult but it's not about you. She is allowed to respond to this however she likes, and you'll just have to sit tight and hope that she can get over it, and understand if she can't.

MTB1003 · 02/03/2017 06:40

I'd have nothing to do with you too. You've listed her with quite bad qualities so why would you want to be her friend. You aren't a good friend, I feel sorry for her reading that about herself.

ddssdd · 02/03/2017 06:42

OP, this is a difficult one. But one thing that stands out to me are your chaotic reasons & responses for doing such things. Just from your post original post, I have seen:

  • Best friend
  • Easily irritated, passive aggressive etc
  • Doesn't let me in her life, goes quiet
  • I didn't mean it, I was being objective
  • I meant it but it wasn't meant to be mean

I guess what I am trying to say is that your stance on why you did it is not very robust; your reasoning keeps changing. You keep trying to justify, without there really being any justification (as you said yourself). I think your friend is acting in a very appropriate manner at the mo, it is called being HURT. There is nothing wrong with being analytical, sure, some of us are wired that way. But you pulled apart of all the things that make her, her & then tried to match it up to some fandangled scoring system. Do you know why these 'negative' traits make her the way she is? Maybe she has a lot of coping mechanisms that you see as unsavoury. But are coping mechanisms, nonetheless. And the fact that you mentioned positive traits is neither here nor there. If your friend is a sensitive person, we will pick up on the negatives.

You must just be upset that you were found out. And you did mean to write those things about her or else, why do the test? At least be honest & tell her you meant it all. A lot of us already have that inner voice, telling us we are shit, not good enough. And now, perhaps, you have confirmed what she has been feeling all along. And for the sake of what? Sad

Just my opinion.

MTB1003 · 02/03/2017 06:47

I've seen that you've sat with your sister when doing this. How nasty of you, obviously she doesn't know your sister was there but sounds awful sitting there with someone else trying to 'type' someone. Good riddance I would say.

Gabilan · 02/03/2017 06:57

I don't think what you did was so awful, I'm surprised at pp saying they would cut you off too. ... Maybe she isn't as invested in the friendship as you are. Leave her be, if she was a good friend this will blow over

It's possible the friend isn't as invested but either way, I don't think you can say that a good friend would let this blow over, as if by not doing so she is a bad friend. The fact that it wouldn't bother you isn't the point - it would bother plenty of other people and therefore anyone with enough empathy could work out it was a bad idea. It's not just the listing negative traits - it's doing it behind the friend's back but in a public way in which she is recognisable.

Dismissing the friend as somehow over-sensitive or not a good enough friend then just compounds the problem. It's taking her supposed negative traits and then adding some more on if she doesn't agree with them. It might not bother some people but being bothered by it is also a perfectly valid response. It's a breach of trust and those aren't easy to recover from.

ddssdd · 02/03/2017 07:00

Gabilan, spot on.

SemiNormal · 02/03/2017 07:28

You learn that posting about your impressions of people on line is horrid - and yet it is something that is done on Mumsnet by a multitude of posters on a daily basis, as of yet I don't think I recall a single time when people have been so outraged at someone venting about friends/family/partners on here simply for venting/analysing situations etc