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Original poster

My best friend cut me out of her life because of something I said, and I'm finding it difficult

115 replies

user1488306410 · 28/02/2017 21:29

I've upset my best friend of 10 years, and now she wants nothing to do with me. I only saw her two weeks ago and we spent the day watching movies and planning a summer holiday together. But the next day I was browsing facebook when I saw she had written a very angry status: "how dare you talk badly of me just to make yourself look better, you don't know me, you are a fake friend". It was then I realized that it was me she was mad at since she had ignored a message I sent her earlier. I was confused at first but then I clicked on to what I'd done.

Turns out she found something I had written about her online a few months ago. It sounds stupid but I was into psychology and I was learning about personality types (known as mbti). I was trying to figure out the 'types' of myself, my friends and family etc...but I struggled to figure them out. So I went on a forum specially made for 'typing' people and wrote a list of mine and my friend's personality traits (not mentioning any names). Unfortunately, I did put a lot of lot of negative traits like stubborn, passive-aggressive, easily irritated etc. I really wasn't intending to be mean, just trying to paint a picture -- I said the similar things about myself too. So that is what she found and I'm devastated I've upset her because it's not how I truly see her. It was just an objective observation to try and understand her better.

I tried to apologise numerous times over the next week. I explained about the personality types and what I was trying to do. She replied and said she didn't understand why we were friends if I thought that badly of her. She concluded that I wasn't a bad person but I wasn't a good friend and she was too hurt to ever trust me again. She said she was happy alone. I was so upset with myself. I told her how much I appreciated her and even spent an evening making her a big apology card and sent it to her, but now she has completely stopped speaking to me.

I just can't believe I have lost a friend just because I was trying to figure her personality type on an anonymous website. I totally understand how hurt she must have felt reading it. I just wish she'd realize I think the world of her, despite anything bad I said. I know friends are supposed to have each others backs no matter what and I feel like I've failed. I see imperfections in everyone and that doesn't mean I think any less of them. I'm just over-analytical like that and I'd never be deliberately mean.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because I'm feeling so down about it all right now and I'm just looking for some advice. Will she ever be able to forgive me when I can hardly forgive myself? :(

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488306410 · 28/02/2017 22:00

I know it's awful :( I just wish I could take it back or make her feel better somehow...I wish she knew how much I admired her and that what I wrote wasn't a reflection of my everyday thoughts (maybe I was just getting my frustrations out in the moment because of a few ups and downs we've had in the past)

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 28/02/2017 22:02

What were you thinking? I totally see why she has dumped you sorry

AlmaMartyr · 28/02/2017 22:04

I can understand why she's upset. I would hate to hear my faults listed like that. I've had people be fairly brutal before and it doesn't leave you tbh. It is very difficult losing a friendship though.

SemiNormal · 28/02/2017 22:05

I study psychology so I kind of understand why you might do something like you did but that's the danger of putting it out there, even anonymously.
I think if everyone is completely honest and had a good think about it we could find fault in absolutely everyone, or traits that are less than desirable. Okay you shouldn't really pick someones personality apart like that but then she equally shouldn't have been snooping .... which is pretty fucking odd and not something a good friend does either.
I think you've done enough apologising, I'd cut my losses for now and maybe try talking to her again in a few months and see if she's calmed down.

allchattedout · 28/02/2017 22:09

So which MBTI type did you think she was? And which one are you? Just curious.

As for the situation, think about how you would feel if you found out that your best friend thought you were passive-aggressive etc. I sure as hell would not feel good about it and I might find it a bit hard to move past that.

Casmama · 28/02/2017 22:13

I find it interesting that you identified all the negative characteristics and seemingly found no positives to mention.
Perhaps she has seen you as overly critical?
Maybe spending some time identifying her positive traits would be useful- not to tell her but if you can't think of any you should definitely leave her alone!

pictish · 28/02/2017 22:17

I have given this some thought and have concluded that I would not have fallen out with you over this once I had heard your explanation.
This is because a) I am quite into a bit of armchair psychology myself and can well imagine doing something similar and b) I am painfully aware of having shortcomings and wouldn't be so bold as to imagine my friends hadn't picked up on them...particularly those closest to me. Stubborn, passive aggressive and easily irritated don't apply to me...but lazy, cynical and argumentative would.
I would probably end up agreeing with you and accepting your apology.

gillybeanz · 28/02/2017 22:18

It sounds like you weren't true best friends Sad
Time for you both to move on.

Original poster
user1488306410 · 28/02/2017 22:25

I did list positive things as well (she's creative, she's warm and passionate, etc)... I know how I'd feel, It would suck :( at the same time I do have a deep interest in this stuff so I'd probably at least understand where she was coming from, trying to figure me out...She had no idea what I was talking about which makes it so much harder :(

What hurts me most is that I've always fought so hard for our friendship. We've had some rough times in the past...The reason I said she was passive is because its true....there have been a lot of times she has avoided me rather than letting me know what's up...but even so, I always tried hard to be supportive and check in on her and make her laugh and smile...and now it ends like this, with her thinking that none of that mattered and that I've been fake all along. It just hurts so much that she'd think that when our friendship has meant so very much to me and I have some of the best memories with her

OP posts:
zzzzz · 28/02/2017 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneEyre70 · 28/02/2017 22:32

I personally would have great issue with anyone writing anything online about me, anonymously or not - especially by someone I trusted. I think you need to let her digest it, don't contact her and let the dust settle. Sadly I think you've probably blown it with her, but let her take the lead and wait for her to make contact with you if she wants to. And perhaps take this a hard learned lesson about trust.........

Original poster
user1488306410 · 28/02/2017 22:33

Perhaps she was trying to pull away all those times, and now she finally has a reason to :( She's often said she likes to be alone....I just enjoyed her friendship a lot and wanted to see her happy

OP posts:
pictish · 28/02/2017 22:58

With your latest posts I'm sorry to say that it seems as though she has seen an out and taken it.
You shouldn't have to fight hard for a friendship. Maybe you are a little fixated on her and she's not into it. You do sound quite preoccupied by her. I'd leave her alone and the door open if I were you.

I know you must feel really gutted. So sorry.

Yoksha · 28/02/2017 23:40

My ex best friend of 27yrs pulled my personality apart after I experienced ptsd after a traumatic episode. This happened in Nov 2016. She turned my stomach! She's either extremely dim or full of her own self-importance, because she's continually called my landline, mobile, texted, emailed, called my husband and daughter. I have answered some of her calls on occasion. She just witters on blah, blah, blah. Same shit. Me, me, me!

Not once has she questioned my silence. She asked if I'd received her emails. I said yes. Every time I start to feel better, she texts with a " I've texted, called or emailed you" she just says that, but has never asked me why I'm behaving in this manner.

LellyMcKelly · 01/03/2017 03:14

MBTI is about as reliable as a horoscope and no self respecting proper psychologist would use it these days. I completely understand why your friend was upset - did you show her yours as well? You can only apologise again and tell her the truth - that she's a great friend, and you miss her.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 01/03/2017 04:48

Sounds like you're starting to get it, OP. I've cut a few people over the years and it's always been a final straw. Depending on the person, I've explained the issues clearly or subtlety and if they keep going I just get so infuriated I end it.

Sounds like this has been coming for a while with your friend. She must have been expecting to find something when she googled you. And she did...

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/03/2017 05:15

It does all sound rather intense! Friendships are supposed to be fun aren't they? (mainly). You've apologised and the ball is in her court now but don't hassle her into forgiving you. She's clearly not that way inclined at the moment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/03/2017 05:53

My take is she can't handle what you said because deep down she may believe it to be true and she doesn't like the truth. You need to leave her alone now. If you continue, you start begging. And the begging can quickly feel abusive to her. If you haven't replied to the 'I'm cutting you off statement' and wish to, you may wish to send her a message saying how you love and admire her and hate knowing that she may feel badly about herself because of something you wrote on a stupid assignment. She deserves better, she deserves to know she has many great qualities. Wish her well and accept whatever the future may bring. The best gift you can give to her and yourself opportunity to perhaps see a way to forgive others and yourselves. And if this friendship is over, the space she has left in your life will be space for another friend in the future. Perhaps for a more balanced friendship. And you will doubtless be more careful with your words next time around.

TheLegendOfBeans · 01/03/2017 06:02

Do not respond

From experience it's the worst thing you can do. Let her stew, rage, hate you. Space is the only thing that will allow the friendship the chance to survive.

To a PP who said the OP sounded a little obsessed or fixated - some people care profoundly about friendships in a way and some are more casual.

I've just been dumped by a friend of ten years standing - albeit one I've not seen for a while nor am as close to as I was - but man alive it still cuts to the bone. I'm 35 and was in tears about it yesterday.

So OP - I fully get where you're at. You've screwed up big time, you know it but sadly there's absolutely nothing you can do but hope she comes round.

Questions:

  • have you guys got chums in common that you may lose as a result of this?
  • are you at the same stages of your life? Some of my chums "took the out" when I had a baby and the person I thought was my BFF turned into a bellend; I'm the first of my lot to have a DC.
StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2017 06:11

How did she know you were talking about her?

zzzzz · 01/03/2017 06:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miserylovescompany2 · 01/03/2017 06:40

Maybe this was the straw that broke the donkeys back? Or, she wanted to end the friendship and took extraordinary measures to trawl through your username history?

Personally, I'd let her be. If she wants a friendship in the future then she'll make the first move. You can't force someone to be your friend.

Railgunner1 · 01/03/2017 06:41

^^ Last post. If someone entered personal things about me online, i can't imagine what other 3rd parties they'd talk not nice things about me.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 01/03/2017 06:48

I think neither of you come out of this well. What you did was a pretty stupid thing to do (sorry). The online world is smaller than it seems. She's overreacted (perhaps on purpose, as some PPs suggest). She does sound like rather hard work, tbh, and I wonder whether this is the bubbling over of issues in your friendship which appear to have been simmering away for a while.

It's horrible but I think it may be time for you to move on.

BalloonSlayer · 01/03/2017 06:56

I think it sounds unlikely that she stalked you online and found what you'd written about her. If this is a real problem at all I think she found something else you'd written or said about her and you are inventing this bizarre scenario to make yourself look a bit better so you don't get flamed on here.

I can't imagine listing the traits of my friends in that way. Or if I did, the list would say: nice person, kind, funny, and that's about as far as I'd go. And yes I am interested in psychology.