My best friend cut me out of her life because of something I said, and I'm finding it difficult

[user1488306410]

I've upset my best friend of 10 years, and now she wants nothing to do with me. I only saw her two weeks ago and we spent the day watching movies and planning a summer holiday together. But the next day I was browsing facebook when I saw she had written a very angry status: "how dare you talk badly of me just to make yourself look better, you don't know me, you are a fake friend". It was then I realized that it was me she was mad at since she had ignored a message I sent her earlier. I was confused at first but then I clicked on to what I'd done.

Turns out she found something I had written about her online a few months ago. It sounds stupid but I was into psychology and I was learning about personality types (known as mbti). I was trying to figure out the 'types' of myself, my friends and family etc...but I struggled to figure them out. So I went on a forum specially made for 'typing' people and wrote a list of mine and my friend's personality traits (not mentioning any names). Unfortunately, I did put a lot of lot of negative traits like stubborn, passive-aggressive, easily irritated etc. I really wasn't intending to be mean, just trying to paint a picture -- I said the similar things about myself too. So that is what she found and I'm devastated I've upset her because it's not how I truly see her. It was just an objective observation to try and understand her better.

I tried to apologise numerous times over the next week. I explained about the personality types and what I was trying to do. She replied and said she didn't understand why we were friends if I thought that badly of her. She concluded that I wasn't a bad person but I wasn't a good friend and she was too hurt to ever trust me again. She said she was happy alone. I was so upset with myself. I told her how much I appreciated her and even spent an evening making her a big apology card and sent it to her, but now she has completely stopped speaking to me.

I just can't believe I have lost a friend just because I was trying to figure her personality type on an anonymous website. I totally understand how hurt she must have felt reading it. I just wish she'd realize I think the world of her, despite anything bad I said. I know friends are supposed to have each others backs no matter what and I feel like I've failed. I see imperfections in everyone and that doesn't mean I think any less of them. I'm just over-analytical like that and I'd never be deliberately mean.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because I'm feeling so down about it all right now and I'm just looking for some advice. Will she ever be able to forgive me when I can hardly forgive myself? :(

Exactly - apply the same to threads here where people discuss those they know in exacting detail ALL THE TIME. If they didn't this site would be DEAD.

Think all the outrage is rather misplaced here. There are worse things to be described as than easily irritated or stubborn.

I assume those who are getting their knickers in a knot over the terrible crime the OP has committed jump on to every second thread here to tell the OP off for the same?

And at least the OP was doing it in order to try and understand her friend. The vast majority of threads about other people on here are simple out and out bitching.

I do think the OP is over invested and too intense about the friendship...she describes her friend almost as though she were a lover whose behaviour is to be scrutinised, rather than a pal. I imagine that is why the friend, who doesn't sound keen on being the centre of OP's universe, has used this as an excuse to back out.

But I think you can all stop getting on your high horses over the online psychoanalysis - you partake in much worse on here every single day without a murmer.

OP stop the sack cloth and ashes. You've apologised, she's being over sensitive (you can add that to the list of her traits next time you try and "type" her) and you're right about her being passive aggressive. If she was upset with you she should have told you rather than you find out via her FB status.

Just do nothing. Wait and see if she misses the friendship, she might reach out.

I think it's a bit passive - manipulative to create all of these threads to communicate with her. Perhaps send her a quick text to say ''I am really sorry and I regret it and I will miss our friendship''. and don't expect a reply.

I used to ve into star signs and all that too, and the negative traits are listed alongside the positive ones. It's no big deal
So you are likening looking up someone's birthday to read a generic description about them with typing in a list of clearly identifiable personal information and negative characteristics to determine their personality type.
Can you not see how different they are?

The fact that she found the post that you made suggests that she did more than just a quick google of your name. That might just lead her to the post if your username was your real name, but if your username was even a little bit different, there is no way a google search brought it up. She had a reason to go looking and she had more information to tell her where to look - she can only have got that from you.
So did you tell her that you had looked up her personality type by any chance?

Why let anyone know your username I have never thought that would be wise not even DH

Regardless of whether you listed negative qualities, I think the whole endeavour might have come across a bit creepy and controlling and stifling. Trying to 'type' her so you could understand her better and manage your friendship differently? You might feel your intentions come from a good place but it would make me feel very strange if a friend did anything like that to me.

Sorry OP if that seems harsh. I think perhaps give her a bit of space and maybe try to move on a bit yourself.

OP, I know how you feel, I had a very similar situation with an extremely close friend of many years.

I loved her to bits and we got on so well, we'd been through a lot over the years with our lives and always, always were there for each other and had each other's back. Unfortunately she became jealous of something that I was excelling at, because she wanted to excel in it too, which is fair enough. However she started acting in quite a nasty way and doing things to sabotage my success, I had suspicions she was doing this but then it was confirmed to me by a couple of other people.

I know it sounds stupid, but I really didn't want to confront her about it, I hate confrontation and didn't want to ruin the friendship, so instead, I posted anonymously on a forum (not MN) venting, basically asking whether I was being unreasonable for feeling hurt and pissed off. Everyone that replied to my thread said god no, what she was doing wasn't on, have it out with her etc etc.

I tried to talk to her about it but she lied. So stupidly I just left it, time went on and our friendship got better again for a while. Until she started becoming jealous again and the one night, OVER A YEAR since I posted that thread, I got a phone call from her saying how hurt she was, she's just found a thread that I wrote about her blah blah and that she was so disappointed, she needed to end the friendship.

I couldn't even remember the thread when she first mentioned it as it had been so long since I wrote it! Then I remembered it, I was honest and said yes, that was me, I was sorry but I wasn't bitching, I was simply stating what she had done and asking posters whether I was being unreasonable for feeling hurt and annoyed. She then went on to say that she hadn't done what I said she'd done. I said, yes she had, 3 different people had come to me and told me and why would they lie?!

She then relented and said 'well alright then I did, but only the once' it wasn't the once but I just couldn't be arsed to argue. I asked how she'd even found the thread as she didn't frequent that forum and had no idea of my username (my username was pretty similar to this one, so she'd never have known to search it!) she said a friend had alerted her to it. I said BS, how on earth would a 'friend'
Just stumble across it as it had been written a year earlier and was just lost in cyberspace, I tried to find the thread and it took me 20 mins and I know my username!! She kept on with that story for ages and then a couple of days later she said 'well actually okay the friend saw it a year ago when it was originally posted but just told me the other night' I said well why would they do that?! Someone doesn't just think 'oh I know, X & Y are good friends, I did see that thread a year ago that X wrote about Y, I'll go and tell her now' BS, she must have been bitching about me to this 'friend'

For the record, my post was completely anonymous, no names, places etc were mentioned, apparently this 'friend' just recognised the scenario, which says a lot!

Anyway, that was 2 years ago now and we haven't spoken since. I miss her terribly every day, I literally did lose one of my best friends.

However I'm angry because I only stated the truth in that thread and only posted to vent anonymously rather than confront her as I knew she'd just lie about it. However, she really has gone around painting me to be a massive villain. She's told anyone who will listen how I 'bitched' about her on an Internet forum, yet fails to mention WHY I was bitching on a forum in the first place. It really pisses me off to this day that I still get some people giving me dirty looks etc when I know they've only heard one side of the story.

It doesn't make me miss my old friend any less though I also have said to people, and people have said to me that if it was the other way around, I wouldn't have ended the friendship over it. At the end of the day, if I was being a prick to my friend and doing something to sabotage their success at something and I saw they'd found out and expressed their hurt on an Internet forum, I would accept that that's what I deserved really doe doing it in the first place. I may have been a bit hurt and cut them off for a few weeks, but I certainly wouldn't have cut a long term friend out of my life completely for that. It's the 21st century, forums are used for venting all the time.

and yet it is something that is done on Mumsnet by a multitude of posters on a daily basis, as of yet I don't think I recall a single time when people have been so outraged at someone venting about friends/family/partners on here simply for venting/analysing situations etc

If anyone posted saying their friend had posted about them on MN listing everything bad about them, I'd have the exact same response. I'm actually appalled at how people write on here about people they call friends, its a real eye opener.

and yet it is something that is done on Mumsnet by a multitude of posters on a daily basis, as of yet I don't think I recall a single time when people have been so outraged at someone venting about friends/family/partners on here simply for venting/analysing situations etc

This! Op wasn't venting, she was analysing. She posted both good and bad traits, read the thread.

Most posts on here are venting, nobody has ever accused them of being the world's worst friend or family member.

Op sometimes the type of people that reply to threads are biased and defensive for their own reasons. It can often defy all logic!

Analysing is even worse, its completely unethical to use psychometrics on people without their consent, especially online.

Anything you do online which isn't administered by a qualified practitioner is going to be a watered down variation of the actual test.

If OP had commissioned a psychometric assessment on her friend without her knowledge yes that might be questionable (but frankly impossible as the person needs to answer a whole series of indepth questions, some of which can seem quite repetitive and similar before the "type" can be determined). It's not down to a few generic traits.

It sounds like OP was doing the equivalent of a cosmo/Jackie style relatively superficial and basic "what type of personality are you" quiz albeit via a discussion forum.

OP's friend seems to be unhappy about the so called negative traits expressed. Stubborn can be a symptom of determination and easily irritated can be a symptom of being passionate (which OP had listed as a "positive" trait"). They're not necessarily negative traits in themselves or that big a deal but OP's friend has taken mortal offence that OP doesn't think she's perfect. She should be flattered that OP regards her as someone she wants to understand better and that she knows her so well and loves her warts and all.

We've all got warts and the closer the friendship the more we know each other's warts, delusional to think otherwise. OP's friend doesn't seem to know OP well and what makes OP tick.

I must have missed the sections on Mumsnet where people routinely make amateur psych attempts to analyse their best friend's psychopathology using outdated and discredited personality tests in a way that would be considered inappropriate even by the tests' proponents. Much of what I see is complaining about the MiL; fretting about dogs and dog shit; complaining that someone should wash their sheets more/ less often and worrying about toilet habits.

It's very rare that I criticise someone I know IRL online if for no other reason than I know the internet is smaller than you think and they might find it. Would I whinge about a stranger's parking or offer advice on what to do with an aged horse? Yes. Do I use this or any forum to make clumsy attempts to understand my best friend better by dissecting their negative traits? No. And I'm not inclined to join in when others do.

Give yourself a shiny.

In reality, mn contains oodles upon oodles of threads picking people apart, be it mil, fil, friend or dh. Also other parents, strangers and neighbours. It's part of the very fabric of the site. Plenty of pop psycholgists on here to diagnose them.

Don't kid yourself this is fine while what the OP did is heinously different.