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So I Really Need Help to end this addiction

(94 Posts)
SoIReallyNeedHelp Mon 20-Feb-17 11:55:51

Please don't laugh or be cruel as I am being entirely serious.

I have finally realised that have a serious and self destructive addiction to a man (l'll call him X). As a result of reading on here and wider, I think I have a traumatic bond with him dating back to a very abusive incident years ago.

I belive X is a sociopath/psychopath and has very strong narcissistic traits.

Even though I know every time I see him or sleep with him, I get emotionally hurt and he is using and abusing me, I can't seem to help engaging with him and seeing him. When I see him it's so exciting like a high but then afterwards it is terrible; I often end up feeliing suicidally low/seriously depressed.

If I haven't seen him for a long time, I am always much more healthy. He will go months without contacting me and then just re-appear, full of charm and seduction; then just drop me again.

I thought it was just my personal weakness in not being able to ignore him. I have finally realised that I have an addiction and it is like trying to give up cocaine or alcohol. I think this is because of the abusive trauma.

I know this probably sounds stupid but the reason I say it's like an addiction is because I rationally don't want to see him (it is always so awful afterwards; like knowing you don't want to take the drug) but the reaon I do see him is because I actually do want to see him (the overriding part wants the drunk or the drug).

I have read Howard Halpern's book Breaking Your Addiction to A Person.

I know I need professional help here. What sort of help should I be looking for? 12 steps? Individual therapy? What kind? Any recommendations in London area?

*Also had anyone else had a similar problem and overcome it?

I feel really desperate and it is destroying my life. I feel he is draining the love and emotion and joy out of me to the point where I will be left an empty cynical dried up husk.

Greaterexpectations Mon 20-Feb-17 13:12:25

Go and speak to your GP. They should be able to refer you for counselling and CBT. It won't be easy but put your mind to it and it should help. Good luck flowers

UpYerGansey Mon 20-Feb-17 13:59:56

Block his number, for a start.

Oddsockspissmeoff Mon 20-Feb-17 19:57:42

Google Melanie tonie Evans.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Mon 20-Feb-17 21:25:12

You are glamourizing a fairly common situation. It's not an addiction. Go to your GP for a short course of CBT.

SoIReallyNeedHelp Mon 20-Feb-17 21:46:55

I've already read Tonia Evans and Baggage Reclaim

Sorry but I think this is an addiction. It stems from an initial abusive trauma.

The background is difficult and I don't want to discuss it with my GP. I'd rather go direct to a therapist.

Do you really not think I've blocked his number?

No one else had this experience then? Or can recommend a therapist?

Birthdaypartyangstiness Mon 20-Feb-17 21:52:11

Going to your GP is a ridiculous suggestion. This isn't a health problem but a lifestyle/personality issue. Any CBT or counselling will be private sector, not via your GP. Find a counsellor via BACP or UKCP websites.

Honestly, people who aren't actually sick going to their GP for talk therapies is a huge waste of time and resource.

pinboard Mon 20-Feb-17 21:53:46

hi, OP.
If the initial abusive trauma has not been explored in a safe environment then it is entirely possible you will be unable to stop 're-living' it with this person.
Or, rather, it IS possible to stop it but you need more help and support to do so.
Blocking the number / CBT (the current universal panacea) can help but if you've tried this and its not working then yes, seek further help.
If you FEEL like it is an addiction then to you it is, I would venture.

You could try Womens Aid for a local recommendation for a therapist (they might know of one). Or you could call the BACP for a list of qualified therapists. Shop around. You need someone you can trust very well to start ex

Birthdaypartyangstiness Mon 20-Feb-17 21:54:29

I do agree it is addiction though, OP. This kind of thing tends to occur as a variable reinforcement schedule (google this), the most addictive form of reinforcement. The best approach to it being total abstinence.

pinboard Mon 20-Feb-17 21:54:40

sorry, hit send too soon!

you can trust very very well to start exploring abuse.

Good luck.x

Diditmyway Mon 20-Feb-17 21:56:31

How long has it been going on OP?

pinboard Mon 20-Feb-17 22:01:20


'a very abusive incident years ago' and
'suicidally low and extremely depressed'

ARE appropriate things to see a GP about if it is affecting your life badly.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 20-Feb-17 22:05:14

Anti depressants are a relatively easy way to break a romantic attachment. When your serotonin levels go up, your romantic attachments decrease. (That awful longing you feel when you're madly in love is caused by low serotonin.)

See your GP.

Oddsockspissmeoff Mon 20-Feb-17 22:05:41

Have you tried the technique she suggests? She has videos that are designed to shift trauma. And they do work.

Birthdaypartyangstiness Mon 20-Feb-17 22:08:15

Pinboard you can pick those things out of context but to my reading OP was referring to temporary feelings/reactions that occur after contact with him, I don't think that sounds like illness...but I guess we can all read these things differently and give advice accordingly.

Greaterexpectations Mon 20-Feb-17 22:11:39

I often end up feeliing suicidally low/seriously depressed

This is the reason I suggested seeing a GP. No need to discuss the relationship issue with them. This comment alone is enough to make it a medical issue.

LionEggMeg Mon 20-Feb-17 22:15:11

Have a look at intermittent reward. That can help explain the addiction

SoIReallyNeedHelp Mon 20-Feb-17 22:41:45

This is very much an intermittent reward situation - 100%. He is unpredictable (which can be exciting) but unpredictably and inconsistently nice and then if not abusive, cruel or unpleasant. I have read almost everything I can on this and I am totally the rat bashing on the button to get the randomly distributed treat of his attention and afffection. Which is quikcly withdrawn and replaced with silent treatment. Until next time.

I don't think this is GP problem myself. I am not clinically depressed. I am situationally depressed as a direct reaction to him and his treatment of me.

pinboard thank you for the suggestions of women's aid /BACP for suggested counsellors. I don't know where to look for a recommendation and I really don't want to ask friends or colleagues. The whole situation sounds insane. "I am in love with a bastard who treats me in an emotionally abusive way and I want to walk away but I can't seem to manage it".

It's really like going back for a hit of a drug that you know you don't need and is killing you. My self esteem is at all time low. When he is out of the charm mode and into abuse mode, the stuff he says to me is so nasty and cruel. I also think he has made me feel no one else would want me which (strangely) makes me cling harder to the idea of him.

Sweets101 Mon 20-Feb-17 22:42:13

I'm in the same situation OP. I had some counselling a while ago, which helped. Although I still carried on regardless. But this time, I think i've finally had enough and realised just how much of my life i've wasted on him. I can't afford to waste anymore. I hope I don't.
I don't understand why I do it either.

SoIReallyNeedHelp Mon 20-Feb-17 22:44:41

For example - after having been a total gentleman and taken me out on a lovely date- and after having slept together - he said to me
"no one would want you for gf or a wife, you are just a sex toy."
It's then turned into a "joke" about how he was really saying I am good in bed.

and that is mild compared to some of the other stuff he has said which is just too vile and humiliating to post.

Sweets101 Mon 20-Feb-17 22:50:33

Have you looked at co-dependency?
There is a group like AA for it

hoddtastic Mon 20-Feb-17 22:54:37


alabasterangel Mon 20-Feb-17 23:08:42

Yep. Been there done that. Ex was finally diagnosed as sociopath with significant personality disorder. I was totally co-dependent and did so much to escape (moved house, moved city) but like an addict I went back to the abusive situation again and again prior to that for 8 years until it almost broke me. It questioned my sanity and made no sense, I'm a logical, balanced educated, professional person. He literally twisted me psychologically, it was a facet of his conditon. I look back on it now like escaping a cult. I was brainwashed. No one can truly understand unless they've been there. I left and had significant help to do so, been gone years (10) and never looked back. My relationship now is 'normal' and I don't have any hangovers from it thankfully, other than to realise how disfunctional is was ONLY after I'd fully gone (I'd be writing all night if I explained how! Message me if you want). You can escape this, honestly.

alabasterangel Mon 20-Feb-17 23:11:41

Not sounding cryptic with the above - no secret magic to my leaving, it was a fantastic counsellor, one very persistent friend who saw through him, and something in me which finally snapped.

alabasterangel Mon 20-Feb-17 23:16:54

Mine also started with an abusive incident (something I didn't realise until much later). I'm so sorry you are going through this too.

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