So I Really Need Help to end this addiction

[SoIReallyNeedHelp]

Please don't laugh or be cruel as I am being entirely serious.

I have finally realised that have a serious and self destructive addiction to a man (l'll call him X). As a result of reading on here and wider, I think I have a traumatic bond with him dating back to a very abusive incident years ago.

I belive X is a sociopath/psychopath and has very strong narcissistic traits.

Even though I know every time I see him or sleep with him, I get emotionally hurt and he is using and abusing me, I can't seem to help engaging with him and seeing him. When I see him it's so exciting like a high but then afterwards it is terrible; I often end up feeliing suicidally low/seriously depressed.

If I haven't seen him for a long time, I am always much more healthy. He will go months without contacting me and then just re-appear, full of charm and seduction; then just drop me again.

I thought it was just my personal weakness in not being able to ignore him. I have finally realised that I have an addiction and it is like trying to give up cocaine or alcohol. I think this is because of the abusive trauma.

I know this probably sounds stupid but the reason I say it's like an addiction is because I rationally don't want to see him (it is always so awful afterwards; like knowing you don't want to take the drug) but the reaon I do see him is because I actually do want to see him (the overriding part wants the drunk or the drug).

I have read Howard Halpern's book Breaking Your Addiction to A Person.

I know I need professional help here. What sort of help should I be looking for? 12 steps? Individual therapy? What kind? Any recommendations in London area?

*Also had anyone else had a similar problem and overcome it?

I feel really desperate and it is destroying my life. I feel he is draining the love and emotion and joy out of me to the point where I will be left an empty cynical dried up husk.

Oh dear me, I've been chewed up and left for dread by PLENTY of women GS. Many MANY scars to prove it.

But I get your point.

12 step is keeping a great deal of people alive. Literally alive. Ie death, pretty certain death, awaits should they let go and go their own compulsive way. Yy it could be attachment at the root blah blah but not everyone, in fact few, have the brain or support to convert that into viable living. To chop off the legs of something that is keeping people alive is irresponsible imo. Just bcs you're disenchanted and hurt by the corruption you've uncovered.

There is shit EVERYWHERE. Even in your beloved feminism. I know, shocking.

Sorry there's no statistical evidence for your claims, none. Not a shred. You are stating a religious belief not a fact.

No not going there with you, you're victim blaming. And no sorry not doing that thing about women, read some class and power analysis. Read some rape stats, abuse stats. You're not a feminist and I feel sorry for you.

And I'm not going to derail the op's thread any further.

I am not 'disenchanted' I'm telling the truth, you can do with that as you will and be a rape apologist if you want, I don't care.

Bit of a leap there GS. I'm a rape apologist bcs I support the tenets of 12 step? Alrighty then.

Perhaps you're hurt, outraged, disappointed, ashamed that something you put your heart, soul and life into has turned out to be less than perfect, with some very ugly sides to it. As per imo. You're going to get that anywhere and everywhere. Even with wimmin.

And, the fact that you're willing to defend your ideology, in the face of FACTS, and to blame my 'disenchantment' over the reams of evidence I gave you, is entirely WHY I suggested the OP would not be safe in a 12 step meeting, as even brainwashed women will turn on other women, in the defense of their creed.

Point proved.

LOL " hurt, outraged, disappointed, ashamed" - think you ought to keep your side of the street clean, rather than taking my inventory no?

Look how angry you are. Look how willing you are to suggest the fault is in me.

This is PRECISELY what happens to all women in 12 step when they complain about the sexist and abusive treatment they received.

You don't get it EVERYWHERE as not everywhere are you told 'you cannot trust your own thinking'.

This is my last word, as I don't waste my time arguing with religious nuts who chuck women and girls under the bus.

This was written by an AA GB Trustee, a man of thirty years good standing in AA, who wrote to the board about sexual abuse, rape and paedophilia imploring the AA board to do something. Their response is below his reponse. He left AA totally disgusted. stinkin-thinkin.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/ATTACHMENT_TO_TOPIC_002-PREDATORS.doc.pdf

They DID NOTHING. They COVERED IT UP.

You are behaving like every AA true believer I've ever met, when faced with OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE that they are defending a corrupt institution, they blame the woman.

Here's a website by current AA members worried about the cult like activity and systematic abuse of women in children in AA aacultwatch.blogspot.gr/2013/06/dealing-with-predators.html

I will not engage with you any further, your attitude is precisely WHY I told the OP to keep away from 12 step.

Good day

And good day to you

Not sure where I was blaming women. But no matter.

Tell this whole story to a doctor. It is important that they have the background info. It may be that you need to be diagnosed with ptsd or another condition relating to the suicidal feelings. This needs medical intervention and referral to the various specialists made quickly.

Thank you GirlScout - the 12 step thing makes sense and it is unsurprising to me that damaged men would use it to pray on vulnerable women.

I don't think I have PTSD but I do think I was pretty traumatised by his verbal abuse.

I have made an apt to see a psychotherapist and I have also emailed him telling him I don't want to see him any more and not to contact me.

So glad you've made an appointment with a psychotherapist OP. I wish you strength for the process and peace and real love in your future.

SoIReally

Well done! And sorry for derailing so much of your thread, but I feel very strongly on the issue, as the man currently causing you so much pain could also be sitting in a 12 step meeting claiming he's 'powerless' or even worse' claiming he's now 'in recovery' ....

And good luck with the psychotherapist, remember you decide what's best for you, having faith in the person you allow into such an intimate area of your life is extremely important. I hope it goes well.

You're on your way :-)

He'd never be a 12 step meeting GirlScout he's just not the type. He's just too full of himself and would regard that as for losers. His ego is too enormous.

So I probably did something stupid...or not... depending on the way you look at it.

On Sunday evening I emailed him saying that any relationship we had was over forever and I did not want to see him and did not want him to contact me at all as this was better for me. Partly this was so when I go to see a psychotherapist for the first time this week I could say I'd done something proactive to end it. Partly if I'm honest with myself it was because a tiny part of me was hoping he'd fight back and say he didn't want a life without me.

Of course if you tell someone you don't want to see them/hear from them again, it should be no surprise that .... you don't. It's made me really sad though. I know he doesn't care about me and I've always known that but I suppose a tiny grain of hope in me hoped he'd respond to me saying it was over. I've never said that before.

I've not heard anything from him and have now blocked him on all media.

I feel really really down like no one values me - although this is not new information - I knew already he didn't value me. Not a vaguest clue why its' upset me so much not hearing from him I knew he didn't care love or value me already.

Feeling stupid that I emailed him at all. He's probably laughing at me.

I am seeing the psychotherapist this week so hoping there will be some light at the end of this very long bleak and dark tunnel.

I imagine all the feelings you'd invested in this 'relationship' are swamping you now. You know it wasn't about him, right? It's your stuff that got latched onto him.

Thank goodness you're seeing a therapist this week - well done for setting that up. You can begin the excavation work to find out where all this comes from. I feel hopeful for you.

Hold on. This horrid, wretched feeling will pass. You're doing the right thing, even though it's very painful. I'm so glad he didn't fight for you (because you would probably have struggled not to respond), even though it's very painful for you now. Well done for taking the steps to cut him off

Thanks springdaffs in one way I know you are right its' better he didn't respond to me.

In antoher way it hurts so much because he doesn't even care about maintaining using me for sex. that's how worthless I am to him. plenty of other women around.

Don't feel stupid!

This is what I did. Called mine and told him (while sobbing) this was it. He was horrible, as predicted, told me how worthless I was and how I was mental and had something wrong with me. He didn't believe I'd do it. But it got to the point where I knew I just had to get rid of him.

Every time I considered finding his number or looking him up I thought of him saying those words. And I put off calling him for one more day.

It nearly broke me. I threw myself into work and friends and hobbies. It was horrible and for ages I was just pretending. But eventually I started enjoying things again. I wrote a diary where I wrote one nice thing about myself or about my day every day, just so I could prove to myself that each day wasn't 100% shit. It helped.

I have not spoken to him since February 2013.

I still avoid places I know he will be. But I don't fear him any more. I have a lovely boyfriend and a good career in the business we both work in. I've managed to still avoid him even though we know many of the same people. I am happy. He is not, or so I hear on the grapevine.

You can do this. One of the main things that got me through was reminding myself that ok my mind was saying he should love me, he didn't- and that was shit, but I didn't have to compound the torture by going back for more abuse. Good luck, you deserve to be free of this nightmare and you can be happy again I promise.

No. He hasn't fought bcs he is outraged someone would reject marvellous him. How dare you!

His response isn't about you, it's about him and his stuff. His response really has nothing, zero, to do with you and your worth. He doesn't have that much power.

Great post from owl. Brilliant.

girlscout probably some of the best and most insightful posts I've ever seen here. Quite often everything that these fellowships tell people is wrong with them is what is right with them.

There can be some useful stuff but the predators don't give young vulnerable women a chance to get to that. Young women ending up dead and on life support after being preyed on by scumbags is a real issue and anyone that denies this goes on is a liar.

Op. I've been where you are and it took me years to learn that normal human beings don't go around destroying others. It wouldn't matter who you were or what you had about you or not because if it wasn't you he's abusing, it would be someone else. Damaged wankers have no relationship with themselves and they can spot young vulnerable girls disenfranchised from their families so easily. They know who they can get away with abusing because girls like you haven't been brought up with healthy self esteem and the boundaries to run away from abusive bastards. I'm willing to bet you were never heard in your parental relationships and had no voice and your feelings invalidated and you have learned that your feelings don't count and if someone abuses you it's your fault not theirs.

You need to do a huge amount of work on your relationship with yourself to break this cycle.

He is a cunt and will vampire away your youth and happiness. He will never change. You didn't cause it and you are not to blame. You see my darling, it's OK to be a bit Fucked up in the head, we all are. It's when you're Fucked up in the heart that makes you a piece of shit and he is most definitively a piece of shit.

Boundaries are needed. Stop making excuses about phone numbers and blocking and work and put your life and survival first, because you are worth it. You will die eventually if you do not arrest this self destructive pattern. Get a new phone. Start again. Inform your senior management or HR that you cannot receive calls or any contact from this man. Let them tell the receptionists the protocol. Your employer has a duty to protect you. Stop worrying about his work life and his crap and start worrying about your future and your needs. You will be someone's wife one day and find a proper loving relationship and he is trying to do a number on you because he is incapable of sustaining a healthy relaxing with anyone and wants you damaged and vulnerable so you never get the strength to open your eyes and fuck him off for good. Don't become his self fulfilling prophecy, he has no love for others or self and is psychopathic and abusive and you are so desperate for love and attention that you'll even lap up the abusive crumbs. You are worthy and deserving of real love and a kind and nurturing man but if you don't learn to love and value yourself, you will always attract these abusive narcissistic nutters.

Sending you huge hugs.

Just seen about you emailing him. He won't chase you because he will still believe that you will cave in and run back. Remember he is fundamentally incapable of caring about anyone so you are expecting Him to behave in a way that he's incapable of because he's Fucked in the heart. All he will be bothered about is himself and how his fun on tap on his terms is ending, but he is sick and cruel and will still know that the minute you are weak, he can take advantage. He doesn't need to chase you because you keep chasing him for misguided love needs even no matter how badly he treats you and rejects you. Can you see why you are also using him when it suits you to fulfill a deep seated need within yourself that is not being met by a healthier relationship with yourself.