So I Really Need Help to end this addiction

[SoIReallyNeedHelp]

Please don't laugh or be cruel as I am being entirely serious.

I have finally realised that have a serious and self destructive addiction to a man (l'll call him X). As a result of reading on here and wider, I think I have a traumatic bond with him dating back to a very abusive incident years ago.

I belive X is a sociopath/psychopath and has very strong narcissistic traits.

Even though I know every time I see him or sleep with him, I get emotionally hurt and he is using and abusing me, I can't seem to help engaging with him and seeing him. When I see him it's so exciting like a high but then afterwards it is terrible; I often end up feeliing suicidally low/seriously depressed.

If I haven't seen him for a long time, I am always much more healthy. He will go months without contacting me and then just re-appear, full of charm and seduction; then just drop me again.

I thought it was just my personal weakness in not being able to ignore him. I have finally realised that I have an addiction and it is like trying to give up cocaine or alcohol. I think this is because of the abusive trauma.

I know this probably sounds stupid but the reason I say it's like an addiction is because I rationally don't want to see him (it is always so awful afterwards; like knowing you don't want to take the drug) but the reaon I do see him is because I actually do want to see him (the overriding part wants the drunk or the drug).

I have read Howard Halpern's book Breaking Your Addiction to A Person.

I know I need professional help here. What sort of help should I be looking for? 12 steps? Individual therapy? What kind? Any recommendations in London area?

*Also had anyone else had a similar problem and overcome it?

I feel really desperate and it is destroying my life. I feel he is draining the love and emotion and joy out of me to the point where I will be left an empty cynical dried up husk.

Thanks alabaster.

pregnantat50 - how did you get out/manage to avoid the situation?

I would recommend you read up about hypno-psychotherapy and give it a try.

OP, you seem to be under a number of misconceptions. Firstly, acohol and cocaine are physical addictions that require medical supervision during withdrawal. Secondly, this man is 100% predictable. He will be charming, use you and then be a total cunt.

Block his number and any social media that you share. Then seek counselling, or even better, psychotherapy. But it's time for you to take a bit of responsibility for yourself. The only person who can fix this is you.

well it was helped when he moved to another city, I changed my phone, blocked him on social media, and all his family too, his emails go straight to my deleted items folder, so gone cold turkey, minor blip last week when he sent a valentine hamper and roses to my work place but I'm keeping strong, on AD meds and getting there, you can too x

There are plenty of addictions that aren't physical addictions. There is also a very high mental component to any and all addictions.

anyway. Try SLAA . You'll meet many like you. It's 12 step.

Yes, like a person addicted to alcohol or drugs (dopamine high produced when someone is loving, followed by crashing low when it's withdrawn) the OP must take self responsibility.
That is what she is trying to do, reaching out with this thread.

Call the BACP.
Ask for a specialist in abuse.
CBT and hypnotherapy may well help too, but you need to get to the crux of why you don't feel you deserve better than this / why you feel you can cure him / change him.
You need to understand why you respond the way you do, instead of just walking away. Something is keeping you in this damaging pattern. If you can understand that, you are better able to resist it, in theory.
(I suggested WA too as when I worked for them before there was a very able local counsellor who many of our clients found helpful).
They also have the freedom programme.

Don't feel bad about this. YOu have nothing to be ashamed of.
But it is BAD for you. And you are right to seek help to correct your responses to people like this. Good luck.x

You can be addicted to a person, I also had one who went and always found a way back after a few months and I found it impossible to say no (because you must be meant for each other to keep coming back to each other right?!) then they get nasty and drop you but you know don't you it's only because they want to check in, to check that you're still their number one fan and look how much power they have when they prove they can still destroy you, and control you, what an amazing ego boost for them and if they can convince you you're the crazy one while they're at it, how brilliant, they don't even need to feel guilty in fact you've just justified their behavior! You do it and allow it because you think this is all you're worth, because something has happened to you to make you think that, because the pain is familiar and it's your comfy place, because you think at some point it will be different and that will make right all the years of pain, well it won't but it's not all you're worth. Only one thing will work, complete and utter no contact, ignore and ignore some more, do not look them up online, do not make eye contact if you see them or even speak their name to anyone. That first time you ignore them when they try to get in contact again, you will feel amazing and you will be free of it.

Hi OP I feel your pain. I have just done 6 months n/c and have crumbled in the last fortnight. Had contact by a passing chance and It's like having a hit and now I'm craving again even though it is the same behaviour as yours drawing me in and then being abusive.
I'm reading all the advice posts I need to find a way to move on with my life.

Also try CoDA

Heaps of these meetings in London - of course. Both CoDA and SLAA.

Here is my take on this:

It isn't love. It could have been, but it isnt now.

He is broken in some way, that isnt your fault, and feels the need to behave in a way that hurts you

He is entirely predictable in his patterns, it's the detail of the execution which will vary

I suspect but i may be wrong, he goes through a cycle of "idealise, devalue, discard." That's HIS sense of self that is busted, the cycle is basef on the impossible belief that anything that loves him, must be intrinsically flawed and therefore must be discarded. Then chased again.

The only escape for you is to see him as he is - a flawed abuser, no more than that. Then wind down contact, take the heat out of what he offers by focussing on the times he hurt you. And finally let go.

The relief of being free of this sort of dance, can be life changing. Good luck. X

Well I agree you would definitely benefit from some sort of counselling or therapy and I'll wager the root of this goes back much further than you think and certainly not just to the 'Trauma bond' that you think you share with him, presumably as a result of hm being horribly abusive towards you?

What is your relationship with your parents like, and your father in particular? What about past boyfriends? Do you have a history of trying to cling on desperately to men ( or friends in general) to try to make them love you best, in spite of all evidence that they don't?

Anyway, all that aside, have you tried the obvious and most effective things? The things you can take control of immediately of you are really serious about conquering this? Namely changing your landline and mobile numbers.

It's important to actually change them as opposed to just blocking his number, because if he thinks it has become a game of cat and mouse and you are hiding he will just use a different phone to call you on. The purpose of this will.just be to prove that he is in control and you can't be released until he gives you permission to be.

Also, (and I shouldnt need to be saying this but...) block him on all forms of social media. Don't just defriend him, block him. That way you can't search him either and torment yourself by mooning over the public bits of his profile.

Because it's quite simple really, if it's always him that eventually contacts you (when he's bored, fancies a shag misses getting his kicks from humiliating you and having you stroke his super large ego for a couple hours) HE SIMPLY CANNOT DO IT IF YOU HAVE BLOCKED ALL MEANS OF ACCESS TO YOU..

Of course he might still turn up on your doorstep at 1am but cross that bridge when you come to it. At least make a start on the things you can be in control of.

And I completely agree with what Purple said about his need to check in from time to time to make sure you are still his number one fan.

Immerse yourself in feminism. It's remarkably good for bringing perspective to your relationships with men.

So sorry you are going through this. I've been through this too.

As a survivor, I'd caution against 12 step fellowships, they are chock full of abusive men, not facilitated, you are NOT POWERLESS, and handing it all over to God is not the answer. You'd not believe the amount of men I've seen sharking vulnerable women in 12 step meetings, they are not for women in my opinion. 12 step ideology is also inherently abusive to women in my opinion. Your problem is not too much ego, but not enough ego strength. You can't 'surrender' a self if you don't have one. Getting a self is the way out.

Look up Stanton Peele's love and addiction, he's an addiction specialist but not 12 step. www.peele.net/lib/laa4.html

Charlotte Kasl's Women, Sex and Addiction is also a good book.

I'd also concur with the idea to immerse yourself in feminism and also to find a therapist who is well versed in women's issues.

The cure to addiction is, bluntly, 'getting a life' - people who are invested in a life that has value and meaning, that is rich in friendships, interests, meaningful work, don't get addicted. Get lots and lots of support, but get busy building a life, even if you have to force yourself. That means forcing yourself to eat, forcing yourself to walk the dog, forcing yourself to go to yoga or for a swim, forcing yourself to call a mate and go to the movies.

The best thing a therapist said to me, 'it's only pain, and we can always withstand our own pain'. I know that sounds harsh, but that woman saved my life, she was very firm that in the depths of the shit hitting the fan, how we FEEL is pretty immaterial, what we DO however is everything.

The more we can put one foot in front of the other, and keep DOING all the things that build self esteem, the more the longing and the anxiety will abate. Anti Ds have their place in this, Prozac if you can tolerate it is good for circular thinking.

And write it on a post it note and stick it all over your house 'He has NOTHING that I need' - you already have everything that you need inside of you, except money, money is the only thing that we need to generate external to us, the rest is already there.

Good luck
xxxx

PS I also don't hold with all this 'inner child' stuff, what I needed was an inner ADULT.

The more you can stay in your functional adult, the more you will soothe that very young bit of you that is looking to get parented. The more you can reassure her there's an adult 'driving the bus' the more she will settle down.

Sometimes it's good to think 'If I was looking after a five year old who felt their were monsters under the bed, who was anxious and obsessive, what would I do to help them' AND THEN DO THAT FOR YOURSELF

You would NOT ask a five year old to spend time with the monster that was terrifying them, you would wrap them up, read them a bed time story, buy a night light, make them a fish finger sandwich, go and play on the swings, have a hot bath, hang out with safe people etc.

That's the way out.

PPS my final word :-) I'd posit it's not 'excitement' you are feeling, it's FEAR.

Female fear is so sexualised in our culture, it took me a long time to figure that out.

I don't think his is uncommon and I do think it's a behavioural addiction. I think a good counsellor is probably necessary. Books alone inform but don't keep you accountable and aren't 'experiential' enough for this in my (fairly limited) experience.

You need proper support in processing this experience and then support in replacing these obsessive behaviours with choices that are good for you. If there are reasons for you choosing this kind of relationships , you need to explore that too.

If you try to do it alone you will most likely succeed most of the time, but then occasionally become overwhelmed with need and go back to square one.

I'd try a few counsellors to get a fit but make sure they are properly qualified and experienced. The Tavistock NHS foundation is famous for relationship issues. Start there for recommendations. Skype therapy, while not as good as face to face, is an option.

Thank you for all your replies esp pinboard and Girlscout some really helpful stuf there.

Twolines, I am in the same situation. I really do understand OP, although the degree of your situation is slightly different.

I managed to do it once. Had a wobble now, but I now chant that my best lesson is my last mistake. I just cannot say no, and I have to learn how to. For my own sake.

I also think that past trauma probably relates. But I am not dwelling on what happened, I have to move on and stop blaming that incident when everything bad happens in my life.

Last time, I widened my life a bit, started doing a few new things I hadn't done before, changed my routine as much as I could... just tried to change how I did and looked at things. It did work... for a while. Then I fell back into my old ways, and boom, back to square one. Its my own fault. I engaged with him when I knew I shouldn't have. It WILL NOT happen again. I am sure this time.

I hope you find a way forward OP.

Thank you girlscout, I have also found your post very helpful.

Gosh OP you have just described my life from few years ago - except I ended up having 2 DC with the arse before one day getting the the end of my tether and detaching from him utterly and completely.

MN was very useful to me particularity reading Relationships posts and learning what was "normal" and what wasn't. I had to relearn everything.

But I think the very best and most helpful advice you have had here is this:
Immerse yourself in feminism. It's remarkably good for bringing perspective to your relationships with men.

It might not be the most glamorous advice, but I think the most pragmatic, useful and personally self esteem boosting and life changing.

LionEgg
I suspect but i may be wrong, he goes through a cycle of "idealise, devalue, discard."

I don't think that is what is going on here. The initial traumatic event definitely was a devalue and a discard - and a very emotionally violent one. Since then, there hasn't been any devalue/discard because I've been so "good" and "accomodating" of him. It's more he pitches up when he feels like it and disappears when he feels like it - and I know the problem is I allow it. It's much more what purplepotatoe says here:

I found it impossible to say no (because you must be meant for each other to keep coming back to each other right?!) then they get nasty and drop you but you know don't you it's only because they want to check in, to check that you're still their number one fan

I don't know why he still needs to check this because it's been going on for years and I am always still his worshipping number one fan. I think it's probably when he's low on attention supply elsewhere or has a bored moment and thinks "I know, I fancy sex and attention SoIReally is always good for that".

The thing is that I'm not a person with nothing to offer. I'm educated, look ok, fairly amusing, solvent, and a pretty nice person. It really hurts that I'm not enough for him or he can't treat me well or that he doesn't really want to date me or for me to be his gf.

and YY to what GirlScout says

Oh dear. I just read back my last post and this:

I'm educated, look ok, fairly amusing, solvent, and a pretty nice person

show how far I have fallen. If I'd been describing myself before I got involved with him, I'd have been much more "I'm really great actually. I'm really attractive and elegant, never short of male attention, witty and interesting, well travelled, loyal and kind, mega high achieving at work". It was just a different mindset.

I used to have much more self confidence. I am very reduced. I feel like if he can say to me no one would want me as a wife or gf and behave exactly like that, there must be something at core wrong with me. I feel unlovable and as if I'm struggling to prove that is no so, by getting him to see how much I love him.

See my user name. What a mess I am.