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I don't know what to do :(

(125 Posts)
GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 00:28:15

I have been married to my husband for 3 years and we have been together for 8 years total.

He has always had anger problems and in the past he has hit me, but nothing physical in the last 6 months. The last thing he did was throw a toddler bike at my leg which caused a massive bruise, but no real damage.

We have 2 children (3 and 2) with another on the way, due in 2 months.

Most of the time I can get along with my husband, but recently he has been screaming at me for the smallest things, making me cry daily infront of my boys and not lifting a finger to help with anything around the house, even though Im 7 months pregnant.

I get about 3 hours sleep most night because our 2 year old is autistic and has really bad separation anxiety from me so I need to be in and out of his room all night (most nights I end up sleeping in there) but then my husband demands I get him up for work, make his breakfast, get his work clothes out, make his lunch and drive him to the station (which is only a 10 minute walk from our house). Plus do all the housework, everything for the boys and everything for him. He literally does nothing, just gets home and sits on his laptop.

Every morning I am in tears from exhaustion and him bossing me around and blaming me for everything that he should be responsible for (forgetting his bank card, forgetting his train ticket - why didn't I put them in his bag?!).

I haven't worked since I had out first boy, have an autistic 2 year old and a newborn baby on the way so i don't know how I will cope financially if I was to leave.

I just want to do what is best for my boys. He earns a huge salary and I know he would keep every cent he could if we divorced. He said he would even quit work so he wouldn't have to pay child support.

I am in tears every day and don't know what I should do.

Please help.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 01:04:24

He earns a huge salary and I know he would keep every cent he could if we divorced I'm sure he would but it's highly unlikely he'll be able to get get a divorce court judge to agree with him.

He said he would even quit work so he wouldn't have to pay child support

That'd what they all say and it's standard twunt-speak for 'I'm the boss of you and what I say goes". It's no more than a bluff combined with the blustering of a bully.

Don't bother getting up in the morning; tell him you feel unwell and he'll have to make his own breakfast, sort his clothes/lunch/card/tickets etc, and walk to and from the station like millions of other commuters around the world do every day.

When he comes home this evening tell him that your mw has told you to spend as much time as possible resting in bed and from hereon in he'll be responsible for his morning routine together with shopping, laundry, ironing, cleaning anything above or below waist level, hoiking trash out, and caring for the dc on evenings/weekends.

If he goes into a strop, or any time he kicks off and starts screaming at you, call the police, have him removed from your home, and ask to be referred to your regional police authority's domestic violence unit as you have been a victim of physical abuse and are continuing to be verbally and emotionally abused by a man who isn't fit to be a husband or a father.

I would suggest you also make contact with your nearest Women's Aid branch as they can help you make plans to leave or recommend a solicitor who can work towards getting this despicable twunt out of your home so that it can become the peaceful haven it needs to be for your dc.

If you don't make a stand now, honey, you may have a breakdown/pnd when you also have to cope with a newborn and who will care for your 2 little dc if you have to be hospitalised?

Madlizzy Thu 26-Nov-15 01:07:22

Don't do any stand off with him. Get your ducks in a row and speak to women's aid first and foremost. You'll be better off without him x

howtorebuild Thu 26-Nov-15 01:10:05

You can survive without the money, my exh was the same. Leave them to their miserly ways. How embarrassing for them that they would defraud their children.

Keeptrudging Thu 26-Nov-15 01:16:09

Don't do anything that may put you at risk. Agree with PP, talk to women's aid, start quietly gathering documents/evidence. WE can support you in getting out of this. You'd be better off/happier (and safer) anywhere away from this man. That's no way to live, you deserve better. flowers

ThirdThoughts Thu 26-Nov-15 01:15:57

Women's aid or other women's refuges/shelters in your area is a good place to get advice. As he has been physically violent in the past, you are pregnant and have two other young children to care for, please don't confront him or tell him about any plans you might have. Instead get expert advice from women's charities, confide in your midwife and get help to leave. They can help you work out the legal and financial stuff.

exWifebeginsat40 Thu 26-Nov-15 01:27:25

don't tell the OP she mustn't be hospitalised as nobody will help her children! plenty of people need help and I would hope friends and family would step up. also implying that if she doesn't leave she will get PND is horrible.

just that, really. I'm so sorry your husband is a shit, OP. bin him.

Asteria36 Thu 26-Nov-15 01:28:03

I second not having a confrontation with him. Talk to your midwife and get her to help you work out options, she may be able to help you hide any other meetings within your appointments with her. My midwife was a godsend. I left a similar relationship with a 3 month old baby and a few bags of clothes. I relied heavily on family for the first few months and then managed to get a lovely little cottage for ds and I. It wasn't easy, but it was a far easier life than the one I left.
Honestly, parenting alone will be far less stressful and toxic than living with that level of emotional and physical abuse.
If he threatens you at all, call the police.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 01:34:09

One police report will secure an occupation order to keep your abuser out of the marital home and a non-molestation order to keep him away from you and the dc, OP.

If you weren't so close to giving birth and if your 2yo wasn't in need of the stability of remaining in the only home he's known, I would suggest that you ask Women's Aid for a refuge placement but I don't believe it would be in your best interests or those of the dc to uproot yourself and them at this particular point in time.

The sooner your twunt of an h is out of your home, the longer you'll have to recover from the strain of the last months and settle your dc into a routine that will give you time to rest/catch up on sleep in preparation for the birth of your 3rd dc.

Do you have any rl support from family/friends?

howtorebuild Thu 26-Nov-15 01:48:20

She is in Australia.

howtorebuild Thu 26-Nov-15 01:49:19

GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 01:59:53

Thank you so much for your support.

I will call a family lawyer and get all my options before I rush into anything.

I just got a call from my doctor because they have found protein in my urine test so indicating I am getting preeclampsia. Just to top everything off! Not that, that will make him help out any more.

I can't uproot my youngest as he is terrible with change due to his autism. I can't even take him to the shops so it would definitely be best for me to stay here and him to leave, although he will never agree to that.

I will keep you all updated. Thanks again.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 02:24:46

Thanks for that info, howto.

Australia's justice system is not greatly different from that of the UK and my advice (above) stands with the exception of the link to Women's Aid being replaced by the following:

With regard to your statement on your other thread to the effect that I did get a questionnaire when I went to the hospital for my ob appointment and basically lied on every question they asked about abusive relationships, there's far too much to lose by not opening up to your health professionals, OP, and I urge you to do so at the earliest opporunity.

PLEASE understand that there is no need whatsoever for you to continue your miserable marriage to this egregiously abusive twunt, or for your dc to be subjected to the stress and tension that are constants in their home.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 02:35:45

it would definitely be best for me to stay here and him to leave, although he will never agree to that

It's not a question of what he will agree to.

Just as in the UK, there are laws in place in Australia which are intended to protect all victims of dv including you and your dc. Please use the police, the courts, and every other resource at your disposal, to get your abuser out of your home and out of your life asap.

GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 02:46:22

How do I prove he is abusive though? He is so manipulative I'm scared he will just talk his way out of it. If he is yelling at me can I call the police or does he have to hit me?

I did call the police about 6 months ago when he threw a kids toy at me, but totally wimped out of pressing charges and said it was nothing, but the female cop knew I was in trouble.

Should I keep a diary or something?

Mermaidhair1 Thu 26-Nov-15 04:06:45

Op, there is a new program in Australia called " a Leaving violence, staying home." They will help you get your partner out of the house so you can stay in your home with the children. I don't know how to link but please look them up. They do amazing things, including changing house locks and installing security cameras. Domestic Violencr is on all of the government departments radars and you will get help. They will help get a plan together and help with police to. I know police stations now have to have a dedicated domestic violence officer. Please let me know if there is anything specific you are worried about. You will be entitled to government financial assistance which will be a good amount.

Mermaidhair1 Thu 26-Nov-15 04:08:58

Yes keep a diary. Yelling is abusive, name vling is abusive, the way he controls your time is abusive. Domestic violence is not just physical abuse. When you are use to living like this you don't realise what is abuse and what isn't.

millionsmom Thu 26-Nov-15 04:22:28

You think you've 'covered up' the domestic violence, but trust me, people know. They don't pity or despise or blame you, they want to help you, but they also know that you need to ask. They know your abuser has groomed you to accept that he is always right and that its your fault for anything he dishes out. He's by no means unique, many have come before him and will continue to do so sadly. Once you ask for help, you'll be amazed how much support you'll find.
The first step is the hardest, but only you know if you are strong enough to do it.
In the mean time, don't confront him, ime he'll just escalate. Yes, do keep a diary with pictures and formulate your escape. It's amazing how just doing those things make you feel better.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 04:43:54

The police will have a record of your earlier call and the female police officer's observations will have no doubt been noted on her report.

A night in the cells has reduced many a manipulative bully to the coward he truly is, and those who attempt to 'talk their way out of it' often discover that they've convicted themselves.

He doesn't have to hit you before you call the police and, as it's far better for the police to be alerted before he gets a chance to physically harm you, I suggest you keep your mobile phone primed to call 000 to hand at all times and don't hesitate to make the call if he starts shouting at you because this, in itself, is abusive and threatening behaviour which is intended to make you fearful that he will physically attack you.

Unless he's a little runt that you could take down with hand tied behind your back, the only thing your h has over you is FEAR that he will use his superior strength to cause you physical harm if you don't comply with his demands.

After you have broken through the fear barrier you will find that you've broken his hold over you and that his power is reduced while your own will increase exponentially as you begin to realise that the only thing you had to be fearful of was fear itself.

Don't be hesitant about calling the police if you should feel threatened by his behaviour or you can't stand any more of his ranting, and I would also suggest that you call your local police station number, or non-emergency police number, to tell them you have been living in fear of further physical assault from your h and that you hope that they will be able to respond quickly if they receive call from your number.

Given your advanced pregnancy with it's potential risk to your health and the needs of 2 little dc, I urge you once again to PLEASE make contact and be honest with your professionals asap as I have no doubt that there is no shortage of measures that can be put in place to keep you in your home for the foreseeable future and keep you safe by keeping him out of it.

Honesty really is your best policy and you can rest assured that the police won't have any difficulty in determining whether and when your h is being less than honest about his behaviour towards you.

GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 05:26:29

I have a friend who is a police officer and I told him the last time my husband was physically violent towards me so hopefully that helps my case of getting him out of the house. I also took a photo of the massive bruise he gave me. I am just so scared no-one is going to believe me. I will tell my doctor about what is happening and try and find a lawyer who deals with DV situations. I will also look at all the websites that have been suggested.

I am so angry at myself for staying for so long. I gave up my job for him (he got me fired), studied something I didn't want to because he approved of it, had children with him thinking that he was going to change but all he does it lie and manipulate and yell.

I just need to keep the strength I feel at the moment so I can leave.

millionsmom Thu 26-Nov-15 05:33:12

Whatever you decide to do, it's YOUR decision. No one else's.
You'll always have the support of Mumsnet members, a lot have been through what you are going through and made it safe and sane to the other side!

Tootoofunny Thu 26-Nov-15 05:38:13

My dear keep the strength of your anger, and keep posting here.

Here's my link again

Three points to remember
1 you and your kids do not deserve his behaviour
2 it is NOT your fault
3 you are not alone

lborgia Thu 26-Nov-15 05:50:18

Give, I'm so glad you are seeing this through right now - sounds as if you're on a bit of a roll and need to try and stay with that.
From what I've read this week in the papers here (in Oz) domestic violence is absolutely top of the police priorities (and politicians) right now, and I hope you find that the help you need.

If you want, I have a friend who oversees several women's refuges in one Oz city. I can get you a local contact name if that would help. If you feel you want to, feel free to PM me.

Good luck, you've seen the light, and you are much braver than you think.

GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 06:02:17

Thanks so much. I am going to try and stay in the family home (if I can) but I also like the idea of him not knowing where I am because I am afraid that when I leave he might try and hurt me.

I will definitely note down the contacts in the white ribbon website. Thanks smile

groovergirl Thu 26-Nov-15 06:14:14

He got you FIRED? Oh my goodness GMVeg, you are absolutely right to LTB.

And yes, best you go now. As you said, you do not want to be 50 and looking back in regret ... Or worse, as happened to a friend of mine -- dead at 32 after abusive neglect.

On a practical note, you will get a better property settlement now, when your DC are little.

Those of us with abusive partners often spend years hoping he will improve, or blaming his behaviour on ourselves. He will not change. He will get worse with age.

May I add -- beware of his family. They may be enabling his behaviour, and might discount or dismiss your concerns and turn against you. I have had to distance myself and my DD from my XH's family.

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