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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do :(

124 replies

GiveMeVegemite · 26/11/2015 00:28

I have been married to my husband for 3 years and we have been together for 8 years total.

He has always had anger problems and in the past he has hit me, but nothing physical in the last 6 months. The last thing he did was throw a toddler bike at my leg which caused a massive bruise, but no real damage.

We have 2 children (3 and 2) with another on the way, due in 2 months.

Most of the time I can get along with my husband, but recently he has been screaming at me for the smallest things, making me cry daily infront of my boys and not lifting a finger to help with anything around the house, even though Im 7 months pregnant.

I get about 3 hours sleep most night because our 2 year old is autistic and has really bad separation anxiety from me so I need to be in and out of his room all night (most nights I end up sleeping in there) but then my husband demands I get him up for work, make his breakfast, get his work clothes out, make his lunch and drive him to the station (which is only a 10 minute walk from our house). Plus do all the housework, everything for the boys and everything for him. He literally does nothing, just gets home and sits on his laptop.

Every morning I am in tears from exhaustion and him bossing me around and blaming me for everything that he should be responsible for (forgetting his bank card, forgetting his train ticket - why didn't I put them in his bag?!).

I haven't worked since I had out first boy, have an autistic 2 year old and a newborn baby on the way so i don't know how I will cope financially if I was to leave.

I just want to do what is best for my boys. He earns a huge salary and I know he would keep every cent he could if we divorced. He said he would even quit work so he wouldn't have to pay child support.

I am in tears every day and don't know what I should do.

Please help.

OP posts:
DeoGratias · 29/11/2015 07:55

Give, well done. Your doctor sounds very helpful too.

The only comment above I disagree with from others is that men don't give up work to avoid maintenance. Some do. I know one (a client) who moved to Thailand and didn't do much there to avoid paying a penny for his twins (they had no house to sell). Another on a date showed off about hiding his assets off shore as his work as an accountant was all about registering ships in tax havens - why he thought that might make me want him I have no idea!). Other men remarry and then don't work and look after the new baby and in English law only his income counts not that of his new wife. However on the whole the majority of men do continue with a job and pay maintenance and in most countries UK . Aust etc even if they do not I imagine the state makes some kind of provision any of which is better than being hit if the violence turns worse or you could work . I worked full time with 5 children after our divorce and always have. My ex pays nothing. It is possible to work full time as a single parent. Not easy but possible.

GuineverePettigrew · 29/11/2015 09:45

Even if your H gave up work, CSA here assesses payment based on the last financial year, and the next review won't be until February 2017. So that would buy you time anyway.

Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 30/11/2015 02:05

I got my blood tests back at 5pm on Friday and was supposed to be on bedrest because my liver is starting to struggle and there are traces of protein in my urine. Did more blood tests and get the results tomorrow.

Did that make my husband help over the weekend? No. He still expected me to do everything. I am so tired I could cry and I feel like passing out from exhaustion. He even made me shovel up sand because my son had made a mess during the week in one of the garden beds and its not my husband's responsibility cos he isn't here during the week days, according to him. Who makes their 7 month pregnant wife shove up sand when she is supposed to be resting due to preeclampsia. He is so horrible.

He then proceeded to yell at me pretty much all weekend about everything I am doing wrong and cos our dog is annoying him so he wants to get rid of her (even though our boys adore her) and he doesn't even pick up her poo, take her out during the night or feed her (I do everything).

Then this morning I am up from 4.30am with our son, finally get him back to sleep at 6.30am, then I can't go back to sleep cos my husband makes me wake him up at 7am and make his breakfast etc, drive him to the station (which is 10 minutes away walking). So I have to get up, wake up my poor tired boys and take the bastard to the station. Now I have crabby toddlers and I feel like passing out I'm so tired and he just keeps texting me reminding me to do stuff around the house. I could actually cry.

OP posts:
dontcallmecis · 30/11/2015 02:11

Don't cry. Arrange that appointment with the lawyer.

Do it now. xx

groovergirl · 30/11/2015 03:15

GMVeg, this is hideous. He is utterly horrible.

Rest. Your health and that of your baby is far more important than his petty demands. If he threatens you, go back to your doctor, explain things fully and ask for further help.

This sounds a dangerous situation.

groovergirl · 30/11/2015 03:15

PS. Keep his texts as evidence of his harassment.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 30/11/2015 04:34

Where are you GMV?

Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 30/11/2015 05:08

Im in Western Australia.
He texts and calls all day to see what I'm doing and make sure that I haven't left the house or done anything without his knowledge. I can't arrange to see friends or anything because then I don't have time to do all the housework and he will yell some more. If dinner isn't on the table when he gets home, more yelling. My year old has even started saying 'why don't you use your brain mummy?!' cos he constantly tells me I'm stupid :(

OP posts:
dontcallmecis · 30/11/2015 05:47

Sweetheart, you know that no matter what you do, he'll yell at you, don't you?

It's not you. It's him. He'll yell no matter what you do. And worse.

One of the most vulnerable and dangerous times for a woman is when she is planning to leave, or is pregnant. So be careful.

Where is your family? Your mother?

dontcallmecis · 30/11/2015 05:50

Something else...you mentioned earlier that the female police offer you spoke to knew you were in trouble. Can you contact her?

You and your children need to get away from him.

WelshMoth · 30/11/2015 06:17

GMV I'm horrified reading your post.

Can you return to your GP? Talk to her. Can she admit you to hospital for a few days bed rest? What's he like with your DC?
Can you get a trusted neighbour to have your dog whilst your away?
Hope you're ok.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 30/11/2015 10:30

This is all WA specific - legal advice, support and refuge information. You don't have to live like this. You really don't.

FrancesNiadova · 01/12/2015 19:26

Vegiemite, please sit yourself down in front of a mirror. Look at the person who's looking back at you.
Is that really you?
Who has made you this way?
Are you being told that you're not good enough & being told to do things that are currently impossible for you?
At the moment you're over 7 months pregnant with early pre-eclampsia. What man wouldn't care for the woman who is carrying his baby?
Have you got those documents gathered together?
You need to look yourself in the face & promise your lovely self that no low-life will ever treat you this badly again.
You deserve better. Flowers

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 01/12/2015 21:56

It's not the dog that needs rehoming .

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2015 01:26

Have you contacted that lawyer? You really do have to get away.

Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 03/12/2015 02:19

I have got all our important documents together, in a file, ready to leave whenever I need to. Passports, birth certificates, mortgage docs, superannuation statements, bank statements etc.

Last night was typical and horrendous. I spent all afternoon decorating a 3m high christmas tree, hoping that it would put him in a good mood when he got home, but instead he yelled at me for about 2 hours. The tree is too big, it smells too strong and hurts his throat, its dropping needles on the floors, its crooked etc etc. I was in floods of tears. He keeps telling me i am ruining christmas for him cos I keep doing stupid things. He is ruining christmas for me and my boys by constantly yelling at me infront of them and making me cry. He just gets angrier when I cry. He doesn't care that the doctors have told me I need bed rest, he just stresses me out more. Nothing I can do is good enough.

I was up with my youngest for 4 hours last night and he still insists I get up before him to get his stuff ready for work (I do as much as I can the night before - making lunches, getting his clothes out) but then he wants breakfast, needs me to put in his cufflinks, drive him to the station....

I am now going to the doctor to do weekly blood tests and if my liver function gets worse they want to admit me to hospital. I am terrified at the thought of him having to look after our boys. He wouldn't have a clue where to start and I know they wouldn't get a bath for weeks and he would probably forget to feed them.

I am calling centrelink today to see what I would be entitled to as a single parent. I hate the thought of being on benefits but I can't work at 7 months pregnant with an autistic 2 year old who needs me to be around 24/7 or he starts hurting himself and a 3 year old who isn't in kindy yet. I am going to ask my old boss for a written reference and try to get some part time work once my baby is old enough.

I have a meeting with lawyers next week to see what I will get in a divorce. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
lborgia · 03/12/2015 03:47

Hi vege, i was medicare this morning and saw this pamphlet. Not sure if you know all this already, but looks as if it would be very helpful..

I don't know what to do :(
I don't know what to do :(
I don't know what to do :(
timeisnotaline · 04/12/2015 01:20

I am glad you have a meeting. Can the boys stay with your mum? Hospital might be the best place for you and your baby!

Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 04/12/2015 05:00

My mum still works full time, but I have told her what is going on and she is very supportive of me leaving. She is giving me the cash to see the lawyers so my husband won't see that it has been taken out of our account.

I called centrelink and found out how much i will get per fortnight before I can start working again. Also looked at rentals around my DS's kindy as I want to try and keep things the same for him and not have to drag him out of school.

Trying to plan how I actually go about telling my husband. I would consider just leaving, taking half the furniture and moving one day whilst he is at work, but it doesn't feel right to take the boys from him like that. So I was thinking one night when the boys are asleep, sitting him down, handing him divorce papers and telling him I am leaving. Having the police on speed dial incase he started getting aggressive. Really not sure what to do.....

OP posts:
Ohthepressure · 04/12/2015 05:51

Get some help moving the furniture and stuff (don't do it yourself, whatever you do...) and just go, you'll be at most danger when you try to leave. Can your police friend be there? Can you move boxes out to your mum's a bit at the time, stuff you're not using immediately?

wannabestressfree · 04/12/2015 05:54

I really wouldn't do it by yourself. Is there someone who can be with you?

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 04/12/2015 06:17

I don't think you should tell him. I really don't. Please don't feel bad about leaving, look at how he is treating you, do you think he feels bad? No way!

Just go. Good luck Flowers

Asteria36 · 04/12/2015 10:59

Vegemite - I tried to sit down and discuss leaving my ex. It was a disaster. If you want to discuss it then at the very least do it with someone else present, a family member, friend, whoever. They can sit in another room, but I would really advise against being alone when you announce an intention to divorce, not with what you have already been through.
I was threatened with leaving "in a box" as my only option other than staying. I retracted my wish to leave and then spent 3 months planning my escape (which it had become) and then left when he was away for the weekend. It may not be the kindest way to extract yourself from this situation, but it is certainly the safest. Risking an escalation and possible harm to your DC is simply not worth it. Please reconsider a discussion alone with him.

IDependOnCodeineToo · 04/12/2015 11:51

Oh my goodness Op, this is horrendous for you. Just read the whole thread and wasn't going to comment but I just have to. I am so worried about you!

Take all of the amazing advice given on this thread, you CAN do this. Purely from reading this thread, I feel your H is incredibly dangerous and added to your blood results, you are very vulnerable.

I wouldn't tell him your plans, you need to just leave, when everything is in place. Tell the police, your mum, anyone and everyone, gather an army of support and run from this monster and don't look back .

Keep posting on here, someone will always help you.

Marilynsbigsister · 04/12/2015 11:51

OP, you said your mum knows what's going on and has lent you money for a lawyer. Can she not do more, I mean in a practical sense. I know you said she works full time but so do I and if my daughter was in this position I would take a few days holiday, drive to her house the moment he was at work, scoop her and grandchildren up and take them back to mine, whilst organising an injunction . Even if I had a one bedroom flat. I would sleep on the floor/sofa, get camp beds for the wee ones, do anything to get my 7 month pregnant daughter away from this nasty dangerous vile man who's behaviour is actually endangering your life. Have you told her the whole story ? Does she really know what's been going on ?