I don't know what to do :(

[GiveMeVegemite]

I have been married to my husband for 3 years and we have been together for 8 years total.

He has always had anger problems and in the past he has hit me, but nothing physical in the last 6 months. The last thing he did was throw a toddler bike at my leg which caused a massive bruise, but no real damage.

We have 2 children (3 and 2) with another on the way, due in 2 months.

Most of the time I can get along with my husband, but recently he has been screaming at me for the smallest things, making me cry daily infront of my boys and not lifting a finger to help with anything around the house, even though Im 7 months pregnant.

I get about 3 hours sleep most night because our 2 year old is autistic and has really bad separation anxiety from me so I need to be in and out of his room all night (most nights I end up sleeping in there) but then my husband demands I get him up for work, make his breakfast, get his work clothes out, make his lunch and drive him to the station (which is only a 10 minute walk from our house). Plus do all the housework, everything for the boys and everything for him. He literally does nothing, just gets home and sits on his laptop.

Every morning I am in tears from exhaustion and him bossing me around and blaming me for everything that he should be responsible for (forgetting his bank card, forgetting his train ticket - why didn't I put them in his bag?!).

I haven't worked since I had out first boy, have an autistic 2 year old and a newborn baby on the way so i don't know how I will cope financially if I was to leave.

I just want to do what is best for my boys. He earns a huge salary and I know he would keep every cent he could if we divorced. He said he would even quit work so he wouldn't have to pay child support.

I am in tears every day and don't know what I should do.

Please help.

it doesn't feel right to take the boys from him like that

If all was good with your H and you needed to make the boys safe from witnessing violence, you wouldn't need to ask him; you would just know that the boys safety comes first and he would back you up in your decision to do what it takes to ensure that.

All is not well with your H. He is the threat and you can act to protect your boys in just the same way by making your decision to remove them from the situation.

Could it feel right to take the boys away from the situation if you think of it like that?

As far as their contact with their father goes in the future, making them safe now isn't making hard and fast decisions about that. You are not taking them away, you are making them safe. A father would applaud that. If he can't then your boys are absolutely better off not there.

for you. You are doing so well. Well done for telling your mum. Stay safe, go first and tell him later.

Please get yourself out of this situation ASAP. Don't wait and don't think there's any point in sitting down and expecting him to be logical. Either he needs to be barred from your family home, or you need to leave it. Please use the links to support that have been given to you to act now and not later.

It's great you have your mum there for some help.

Sort your exit out and get moving, you owe him nothing.

I've cried reading why he is putting you through and as a mother of 3 I can honestly tell you he is vile, and your DC aren't learning what is right in a relationship

OP, can you not move in with your mum? You and your children must get away from this situation asap. Whatever happens, in 2 months your children (including your ds with asd) will have to get used to a new situation anyway: their mum going to hospital, and then a new baby brother/sister. It would be best to get them settled at a new place where you have some support asap.

What you describe are torture tactics used to break down prisoners. This is very serious abuse.

Does your gp know the last time he hit you was 6 months ago?

In Britain the severe control, abuse and intimidation you describe is now recognised as a criminal offence, without the hitting. It is now recognised that abuse doesn't have to be physical - does Australian law recognise the same?

Depriving you of sleep, making you serve him like a slave is severe abuse - the children are also being severely abused by being forced to comply. But also living in this terrible home is severely damaging for them.

Please don't tell him you are divorcing him, he could kill you. I'm not joking or exaggerating - how many of the two women a week killed by partners or ex partners honestly thought they would be killed that day? Most didn't expect it bcs they didn't recognise how severely disordered these men are. It is well known and documented that by far the most dangerous time is when the victim is leaving or threatening to leave. Bearing in mind how terrifying he is when he is not in any way under threat I really do fear what he would do if you presented this very real threat to him. I'm sorry to be blunt but I'd rather you were upset and alive.

He is a very, very frightening and disordered person. He has trained you to jump around trying to make him happy - it never works, as you have seen. He just enjoys terrorising you.

Tell your midwife/health visitor/gp you are terrified of the children being left in his care. I don't want to spell this out but if you've told him you are divorcing him then go to hospital leaving him in sole charge of the children, well...

You and the children are under severe threat here. You need to move heaven and earth to put in place immediate rescue. I don't know what the law is like in Australia but I can bet domestic abuse services are well-established and advanced, as they are here. Tell every authority, especially medics, police, EVERYTHING.

Thinking of you, praying for you (if that's OK) xxx

Just one last thing: he is not greater than the law. He has convinced you he is all-powerful but, really, he is NOT. He is a little squit when it comes to the law, a horrible LITTLE bully who terrorises his wife and children.

Don't tell him anything. Please.

Previous posters are spot on.

Get yourself out of this situation OP.

How are things today?

Yes, tell him nothing at all. Nothing.

Tell authorities EVERYTHING. If you're in hospital either having your baby or being treated for preeclampsia [((hug)) if so] then tell the midwife/doc/etc what is going on at home and that you and the children need immediate protection.

Be brave darling. You can do it

We're all behind you, OP.

Vegiemite I do hope that you're OK.
Please don't tell H that you're leaving, as previous posters have said, it is the most dangerous time.
Many women go back to a dangerous home, only leaving when it is safe to do so; when they can get away completely.
If you left, then had to go back for anything, you would be in great danger of harm.
You've got your documents ready to go. Great.
Now get somewhere to go.
Once you've gone, you can't go back. (Could you stay at your parents for security?)
Alert your nearest women's refuge/police station, he might come after you when you go.
Have a look at the Freedom Programme online (from your own, secure, online account.) I don't know if you have it in Aus, but have a look at the advice given.
Best wishes Vegiemite, I hope you're well.

Vegemite The Freedom Programme UK is what you want to look at.
The Freedom Project Australia is something completely different.

I realise it's been the weekend so you probably couldn't post, but if you can let us know how you're doing today that would be great. It's probably only 7 am with you but hope you see this sometime. I know I'm not the only only who's been thinking about you.

Lu xxx (very non-MN)

You need to prioritise your children and your safety over 'doing the right thing by your partner' . He gave up his right to that when he first mistreated you, remember that!

For heaven's sake, don't tell him. He's hit you in the past and if he thinks you're going he won't care how he stops you. Did you know that 2 women a week in the UK are killed by their abusive partners and that the most dangerous time for you is when you're leaving.

Be very very careful. Keep your cards well hidden. Don't act different, keep up the pretence that everything is normal and that you are still completely under the thumb.

Leave when he's out. Don't let him know. Warn the police that you're doing it so they can flag your address, so they can respond quickly if there's a call from you.

Clear your browsing history.
Make sure you're not always logged in here.
Keep your passwords safe. Don't use the machine's autofill to enter passwords, do it manually.

Wow, thanks so much for all the support. As some of you guessed, it is hard for me to post on the weekend when he is around so I can only post when he is at work.

In regards to my mum letting us stay with her, I'm sure she would for a few days, but she doesn't really have the capacity to let me and 2 toddlers and a newborn live with her. She only has a small 2 bedroom villa. I know if it was an emergency she would let me, but she is basically a hoarder and there is no room in her house for us! She even sleeps in the spare bedroom, her room is so full of junk!

I have been looking at rentals around my 3 year olds kindy for next year. I could afford to rent around there for a year and then probably have to move a bit further out as rent is very expensive around where we live at the moment. I actually found a little house that looks perfect and made me quite excited at the prospect of leaving. It's nothing flash, but has a big yard for my boys and the thought of living like a normal human being, not a doormat makes me so happy. Every night I go to sleep dreaming about moving out.

I will take your advice and move when he is not here and then meet him in a public place to discuss our divorce, or at my lawyers offices.

He was actually nice all weekend, it makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing, but then I just have to read through my previous posts on here and realise pretty soon he will just go back to how he was.

I have the wheels in motion now. Looking for rentals, seeing the lawyers tomorrow etc.

I get the results of my weekly blood tests tomorrow too so fingers crossed they are all good and I don't get admitted to hospital. It's literally my worst nightmare, leaving him with the boys. My 2 year old with autism has really bad separation anxiety from me. Even when I get out of the car to go to the shops he has a panic attack. Yesterday I had to get some groceries and my husband drove me to the shops with the boys in the car. I only took about 5 minutes, but when I got back DS2 was totally distraught and my husband said 'I could just f*king hit him when he gets like that, the little s**t'. Such a horrible thing to say about an autistic boy who is just upset cos he can't see his mummy. :( He has never hit him before, but comments like that make me think that he would lose his temper with him and hurt him.

I'll keep you all posted about the lawyers and the blood tests. I am so excited to see them tomorrow!!

Please tell domestic abuse services. If you lived here I'd say without hesitation to contact the police but I don't know what the police are like where you are - but domestic abuse services will know. please contact DV services as a matter of urgency. You need official support behind you as you put your plans in motion. They can not only protect you but hell you with the practicals too. Please don't do this on your own, he is too dangerous.

Your plans sound wonderful

When the time comes, meet at your lawyer's office. Make sure you have your own transport and that you have someone to escort you home. Make sure he does not follow you. Preferably go to a shopping mall or somewhere else on the way home to lose him. Do not take chances with this man.

Only communicate by email with him, No phone calls. Get a dedicated address only for him. Do not erase any emails he sends. Get a PO box for your household bills, etc.

Clear your browsing history.

And I second what Springy said. You need support.

Tablet packed up before I finished so I've fired up my rusty old laptop!

to start with.

Keep a diary of what he does and says - perhaps type it in a passworded word doc (eg the comment about him hitting ds when he gets upset) - because this is potent evidence when the time comes (this thread is a 'diary' of sorts but I'm sure there's PLENTY more you could write ). You want to ensure that when you split he doesn't get unsupervised access.

DV (domestic violence, which includes all forms of abuse) services will HELP you with the practicals.

Keep going lovely xx

Thanks Springy. I was thinking about writing everything down because sleep deprivation and baby brain aren't exactly going to help my cause. I forget everything at the moment. It has been really cathartic writing this thread because I usually just go back into denial once he starts being nice again and pretend it wasn't as bad as I thought, but seeing all your reactions show me that it is bad and I need to get out.

I will start writing everything down in my phone somewhere so I can keep a record of what he is like for when he tries to get 50/50 custody of the boys.

Would it be easier for you if he left and you stayed in the home? Please don't forget that this is an option, the laws are different now.

We have a massive mortgage on the house which he would refuse to pay if he wasn't living here so I don't think that is an option unfortunately. I wish it was! My autistic son would very much benefit from not having to move.

Is he self-employed? If not he will have no choice but to pay. He is not greater than the law, as I said. You'll find out where you stand when you see a lawyer. You will be very surprised what you and the boys are entitled to.

A lot of your thinking is quite isolated - you working it out all on your own. Once you get in touch with relevant authorities you will find out there is a lot in place to support and protect you and the boys. You realise he isn't the god he thinks he is (and has convinced you he is); that there are far greater authorities out there that will protect you and see to your rights. Authorities he has to obey.

Back in the day, nothing like that was in place. But now it is. It is the work of an abuser to convince the victim of the abuse that no-one would or could help them. Not true. But then, most of what abusers say is not true.

He's being nice because he can sense you're pulling away. So he drowns you in charm so you relax - then, once you're relaxed, the abuse starts up again. Round and round it goes.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme . A lot there you'll recognise.

If you can, get hold of a copy of Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?' . If you can't order it online, can you order it at the library and read it there? There will be copies at domestic abuse agencies too.

Lundy Bancroft book

I've linked you to the british site though..