I don't know what to do :(

[GiveMeVegemite]

I have been married to my husband for 3 years and we have been together for 8 years total.

He has always had anger problems and in the past he has hit me, but nothing physical in the last 6 months. The last thing he did was throw a toddler bike at my leg which caused a massive bruise, but no real damage.

We have 2 children (3 and 2) with another on the way, due in 2 months.

Most of the time I can get along with my husband, but recently he has been screaming at me for the smallest things, making me cry daily infront of my boys and not lifting a finger to help with anything around the house, even though Im 7 months pregnant.

I get about 3 hours sleep most night because our 2 year old is autistic and has really bad separation anxiety from me so I need to be in and out of his room all night (most nights I end up sleeping in there) but then my husband demands I get him up for work, make his breakfast, get his work clothes out, make his lunch and drive him to the station (which is only a 10 minute walk from our house). Plus do all the housework, everything for the boys and everything for him. He literally does nothing, just gets home and sits on his laptop.

Every morning I am in tears from exhaustion and him bossing me around and blaming me for everything that he should be responsible for (forgetting his bank card, forgetting his train ticket - why didn't I put them in his bag?!).

I haven't worked since I had out first boy, have an autistic 2 year old and a newborn baby on the way so i don't know how I will cope financially if I was to leave.

I just want to do what is best for my boys. He earns a huge salary and I know he would keep every cent he could if we divorced. He said he would even quit work so he wouldn't have to pay child support.

I am in tears every day and don't know what I should do.

Please help.

I'm extremely concerned that 12 days after posting here you haven't made contact with any of the organisations that can help you and, more alarmingly, you appear to be minimisng your h's abuse.

There's no need for you to pay lawyers at this stage and I fear that if you keep the appontment you've made for tomorrow you will fail to be totally honest about the abuse you have been, and are being, subjected to and, consequently, the legal advice you receive won't be pertinent to your particular situation.

As can be seen from the links below and elsewhere on your thread, there's no shortage of organisations that advise, support, and provide safe accomdation for victims of domestic abuse in Western Australia and I urge you to PLEASE reach out to them as a matter of urgency:

www.womenscouncil.com.au/

www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/resources/res_wa.htm

www.salvationarmy.org.au/en/Find-Us/Western-Australia/Our-Services/Womens-support/

In addition, the Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline provides information and referral for domestic violence counselling services. 24 hours service 1800 007 339.

Women’s Law Centre of WA provides free legal services for women in Western Australia. Tel: (08) 9272 8800; 1800 625 122 (country freecall).

Legal Aid Domestic Violence Legal Unit advises and assists with Restraining Order matters and provides information and referrals to non-legal matters relating to domestic violence. (08) 9261 6254.

NB: please ignore the advice (above) relating to the UK's freedom programme online as you will be required to pay to access the course and the payment will show on bank/credit statements.

Goddess honestly I am scared that if I contact any of those agencies then they will force my hand and get involved and I am not ready to start that incase I am hospitalised, as I don't want him having access to the boys, knowing that I am leaving. I don't have anyone else that can look after them. I know my mum would be able to help if he had them, but she couldn't look after them by herself (she works).

I promise that I will tell the lawyers everything as I know they have to be confidential. I will tell them of the abuse and ask about what I can do, the house, the mortgage, etc... everything. I will tell them I have contacted the police in the past and see if that will help with custody.

vege you can call and ask for advice. .they won't tell him! No one will force your hand. They may say and do everything they can to try and convince you to go asap,but they wouldn't do that if they weren't confident in their plan.

Please please will you call someone (from your mum's phone? ) and just see what they say. Just give them the bare facts. Hire mammy weeks you are, your health, about the toddlers? why you're leaving, your fears.

Whilst your situation has complicating facts, none of it is unusual and they will know why you're scared!

BTW,I know your mum works, and I'm sure she can't afford to lose her job, but if she was allowed to take 3 weeks emergency unpaid leave, could she cope with losing that much money? Could you give her the salary back from the money your taking?

Anyway, more importantly just talk to one of the agencies. I realise many of us are speaking from our own experiences, and we're not trying to scare you without good reason. My XH tried to kill me and I'm very lucky he didn't succeed.

Good luck vege, and keep talking to us.

Domestic abuse services understand very well the difficulties you face and, should you call any of the services, your call will be confidential if you choose - you don't even have to give your name. They know it is hard for you to trust them and they tread carefully. They know it is hard for you to trust them for the very reasons you have outlined: that you truly believe he is more powerful than them.

The truth is he is not - far from it. They have the power to ensure he never has unsupervised access, for instance. They can, should you choose to use their services, ensure, with the backing of the law, he never gets to be with them alone. Which would mean he will NOT get to look after them when you go into hospital. They will protect your children from him and are as concerned for their safety as you are. The difference is they have the power to ensure he never gets to be with them alone - whereas you don't have that power.

Unless the people with real power know what is happening they can do nothing. It's up to you to tell them, otherwise, to state the obvious, they won't know. How could they know unless you tell them? It is impossible for you to do this yourself, you don't have the power to do it, whereas they do.

Re the Freedom Programme site - as with the Lundy Bancroft book I understand you can't order it as it would show up on your statements (why i suggested you order it at the library or read it at women's orgs): same with doing the Freedom Programme online - you can't pay for it as it will show up on your statements, as goddess suggests. BUT there is a lot on the site that is helpful and why I suggested you look at it.

You have to be brave and call one of these orgs. They won't know who you are unless you choose to tell them but they will support you by talking to you and featuring you, giving you advice and emotional support. They know all about the many facets of domestic abuse, the many fears, especially fears for our children's safety. They're on the same page!

I speak from experience Vega, as do many on your thread. We've been where you are.

*supporting you

THEY WILL NOT FORCE YOUR HAND.

Sorry to shout at you when you are so desperate.

But you simply MUST understand that you need a lot of help and support -- and you simply MUST establish your case for abuse with the organisations you have been advised to contact.

Otherwise it is all your word against his about abuse and you will not be able to save your children from contact with him.

You also need above all else to be able to say what has been happening out loud, to other people and to see their reaction. You really must talk to these organisations.

Divorcing this man is not going to be a simple matter of serving him with papers, going to court and shaking hands afterwards. He is not going to accept defeat quietly. He is going to fight you. You need all the support you can get.

I do not mean to frighten you out of deciding to end it. I am just warning you that you need to marshall allies and plan carefully.

At some point you will need lawyers. This will be after you are doing counselling and understanding your relationship and able to predict what he will do next or say next to you or to the children. You need to get strong and to get to the point where you cannot be frightened.

You would be far better off to find lawyers referred by organisations that deal with abuse victims than lawyers from the phone book.

I speak from experience too.

GMVeg, I second what Springydaffs and Mathanxiety say.

Start building your case with the people trained in DV support.

Please ask your mother to take leave to help. FT workers are entitled to leave, and what better time than an emergency?

Damn, I wish I could give you some on-the-ground help. If I were in WA, I would.

Ok.... I have rearranged my appointment with the lawyers today and will call some of the organisations listed instead. I can just delete them from my caller history when I am done. You guys are right, I don't want it to be my word against his, I need support and need to show that this has been happening for a long time. He is such a good manipulator that I am so scared he would talk his way out of it.

I am going to call the woman's council first and see what they suggest I do next. I'll let you know how it goes.

The reason I was scared to call, was because when I called the police about him they insisted that they come to the house and make sure I was ok and to interview him!!! I was not ready for that and felt really pushed into a corner. I went to the police station and talked to them myself and got them not to come around because that would have actually made it worse....

Thanks for being blunt.

Any victim of domestic abuse who posts on this UK site is advised to make contact with Women's Aid as a matter of course and as a means of soliciting recommendations for lawyers who have the essential expertise to protect victims and their children from further abuse.

Please listen to springy and math and call one of the organisations mentioned above TODAY as you are going to need a lot of help, far more than your dm can provide, to break free of the tyrant who has made it his mission to dominate you for far too long.

What plans have you made for your dc when you give birth to no.3? Who have you lined up to care for them during labour and thereafter until you are discharged from hospital?

My husband was going to stay with them and have a nanny to help him. I need to have a c section so will be in hospital for a few days then in bed so he will need lots of help.

I will call once my DS2 has a nap. I have been up with him since 2.30am (his separation anxiety is terrible at the moment).

I am so relieved you've put off your appointment and intend to get cracking on the phone! Rest assured that none of the organisations mentioned above and elsewhere are the police nor do they insist on following police procedure.

Furthermore, you don't have to give your real name and no-one is going to show up at your home unless you have expressly invited them to do so. Fwiw, dv workers in the UK specifically avoid going to any property where an abuser may be in situ and always arrange to meet clients well away from their homes.

As my earlier posts most probably made clear, I advocate for women to stay in their homes wherever possible and for abusers to be forcibly removed if required, but your subsequent posts have served to convince me that, all things considered and having reached your own conclusion that you are best advised to move out of the marital home, you will be far better off in the safe sanctuary of a refuge where you will be fully supported and will have access to all of the services you will require in terms of claiming benefits, applying for affordable social housing, arranging loving care for your dc while you are birthing no.3, instructing lawyers to take whatever action is necessary to protect you and all of your dc when you feel ready to move on to a new home of your own and, above all, being able to fully express yourself to specialist workers, counsellors, lawyers and other residents.

I have immense concern for your 2yo during the period that you will be hospitalised and your h's comment 'I could just f*king hit him when he gets like that, the little s**t following his 5 minutes in the car alone with the dc while you shopped does not inspire me with any confidence that your plan to leave the dc with your h and a nanny (from an agency?) who is unlikely to work 24hrs for 3 to 4 days straight is one that will ensure the wellbeing of either of your dc.

Your 2yo's separation anxiety is particularly worrying and I implore you to PLEASE consider asking for a refuge placement as a matter of urgency so that you can have time to settle the dc into a safe environment prior to giving birth and source the very best care from a nanny/mother's help for your 3yo and a specialist nanny who has experience of caring for dc with ASD and who can get to know both of your dc well before you go into hospital - cleaning out the savings account will enable you to afford the best care for them.

That said, I have no doubt that both of your dc will thrive within a very short time of being out of the toxicity of their family home and it's probable that your 2yo's progress will be no less than astounding once your own stress and unhappiness begins to lessen. I also have no doubt that refuge staff and other residents will rally round and are best placed to advise you with regard to providing appropriate care for your dc with plenty of mutually reassuring visits to you and their newborn sibling during the few days that you'll be an inpatient - and I very much doubt you'll be required to lift a finger for a considerable period of time after discharge.

Please reach out to specialist workers - you have nothing to fear except fear itself and your fear will disappear as soon as you are able to offload to those who know exactly what you've been through and what you're going through.

Please also be aware that, during the time you've been posting here, your previous feelings of hopelessness have given way to a glimmer of optimism for the future and your h has sensed your uplifted mood which is why "He was actually nice all weekend". In common with so many others of his ilk, he's a cunning fucker and you must play him at his own game by hiding your growing elation at the prospect of being free of his tyranny and adopt the demeanour he's accustomed to you displaying when he's around.

What a wonderful post from goddess.....
Can I just add that I have a lot of guilt in staying in my abusive marriage and the damage it did My son with asd. I found his seperation anxiety got so much better once I left and life itself just settled down...
I showed have left long before....my mum did the same thing and took 30 years to leave my abusive dad.
You can do this we are all behind you xx

Great posts from Math, Goddess and Springy.

Your hand will not be forced. You will, instead, find that you have a lot of support, kindness and understanding behind you and are no longer alone worrying.

I agree that ideally you would get out long enough before the birth for your children to have time to settle and feel safe, especially your boy. As it is, I am not sure that what you plan atm would really be adequate. Your h is a loose canon, unpredictable in the extreme. Hopefully, the presence of a nanny would keep him in check, but s/he would have to be very experienced and strong or he would be manipulating her too.

So glad you're going to be phoning round. Thinking of you.

Glad you have such great support herevege, from goddess, springy, and math. Wonderful, wonderful posts. It's good that you're hearing them. Trust you will now find all the continued support you will need. Take care.

Oh that is goodgoing ! I'm so heartened to hear you're getting the big GIRLS onside. They have a lot of power and know-how. They know their stuff.

Absolutely agree that ds's anxiety will dramatically lessen once he's out of that hell hole. Kids know

Do make sure you make alternative plans for the care of your boys while you're in hospital. I appreciate you're planning a lot but this is a priority bcs it's imminent. The women's orgs you're contacting tomorrow should have some good advice (and support) for you.

Well done, keep going, step at a time. Be (fake) meek around H - all the while building your lovely future on the quiet

Good going?? Good news!

Thanks so much for the posts. I admit I was starting to get lulled into a false sense of happiness thinking he was being much nicer. I am such an idiot. I guess I just want it to work out for the sake of my boys having their father around, but it isn't. He is never going to change.

Last night he said he was hungry after the boys went to bed and started having a go at me for not having anything in the house that he could eat. I offered about 10 different things, but he didn't want any of it and then he tried to make me go to the shops (at 9.30pm) to get him frozen yogurt. I refused. He got angry and I said that I was really tired and needed to go to bed cos no doubt DS2 would be up at some ungodly hour and I would need to sit with him. He spent about half an hour telling me how it was my job to make sure there was food in the house and I wasn't doing my jobs properly and I was annoying / all I have to do is look after the house and the boys etc etc.... I just zoned out and imagined living in a little house away from him and his foul temper.....

I have a meeting with a DV lawyer this morning at 10.30am as recommended by the women's council. Wish me luck :)

I'm very pleased to learn that you've been in contact with the Women's Council and you'll shortly be meeting with a dv lawyer they've recommended, but I have some concern you may still be labouring under the illusion that you will be able to extricate yourself from your poisonous marriage without the support of dv workers and refuge services.

As I believe that we make our own luck what I'm going to wish you is the courage to start changing yours today by speaking openly and honestly about the abuse you have been, and are being, subjected to. Please don't minimise what he's done/is doing or the appalling effect it's having on you and your dc.

I hope your consultation goes well and look forward to reading your next update.

Having professional experience of men such as your h, I can categorically state that I would not leave a goldfish in his care and the thought of him being in sole charge of young/non-verbal dc fills me with dread and foreboding for their welfare.

Please stop fooling yourself as the only way he'll change will be for the worse which is why you must do everything in your power to protect your dc from him.

Thanks Goddess. I have a professional nanny starting to help me this week (as I am supposed to be on bedrest) so she will have 2 months with my DSs before I am due to have the baby (unless they deliver him early). So my husband will never be alone with them. I am guessing he will just get her to do everything and won't even lift a finger. My mum is also helping during the time that I am in the hospital. I would never leave them alone with him. Infact, he has never been alone with them for more than about 30 minutes, let alone days or weeks. I would be very concerned that he would lose his temper at them. Im off to the DV lawyer. I'll update after.

Listen to goddess, vege.

Reading your posts is like reading about someone with a full grown lion living in their house: aw he's so sweet but he can get a bit grumpy sometimes.

And we're all thinking RUN

Oh vege, I do hope this meeting has opened your eyes a little more. I hope it was helpful and supportive.

I'm relieved tou have a nanny starting. I hope she will also help you see how bad your h is, and how important it is that you rid yourself and your children of him.

I too shall be glad to read your update.

Good on you for zoning out and for refusing to go to the shops.

The 'guess what I want to eat and always have it' game shows you that you are being set up to lose every single time he feels like indulging in a 'winning' experience.