I don't know what to do :(

[GiveMeVegemite]

I have been married to my husband for 3 years and we have been together for 8 years total.

He has always had anger problems and in the past he has hit me, but nothing physical in the last 6 months. The last thing he did was throw a toddler bike at my leg which caused a massive bruise, but no real damage.

We have 2 children (3 and 2) with another on the way, due in 2 months.

Most of the time I can get along with my husband, but recently he has been screaming at me for the smallest things, making me cry daily infront of my boys and not lifting a finger to help with anything around the house, even though Im 7 months pregnant.

I get about 3 hours sleep most night because our 2 year old is autistic and has really bad separation anxiety from me so I need to be in and out of his room all night (most nights I end up sleeping in there) but then my husband demands I get him up for work, make his breakfast, get his work clothes out, make his lunch and drive him to the station (which is only a 10 minute walk from our house). Plus do all the housework, everything for the boys and everything for him. He literally does nothing, just gets home and sits on his laptop.

Every morning I am in tears from exhaustion and him bossing me around and blaming me for everything that he should be responsible for (forgetting his bank card, forgetting his train ticket - why didn't I put them in his bag?!).

I haven't worked since I had out first boy, have an autistic 2 year old and a newborn baby on the way so i don't know how I will cope financially if I was to leave.

I just want to do what is best for my boys. He earns a huge salary and I know he would keep every cent he could if we divorced. He said he would even quit work so he wouldn't have to pay child support.

I am in tears every day and don't know what I should do.

Please help.

*he finished work early

Get your & DCs passports
Get copies of bank accounts, mortgage documents, shares, any savings, endowments etc
Copy receipts of large purchases like cars, watches, cameras
Go through photos & get pictures of before/after photos of decorating, gardening, furnishings, anything that you have done to add value to the house.
Get your DCs birth certificates and your marriage certificate plus H's NI number.
Lock them away, keep them safe, contact women's aid.
If he starts to get argumentative and aggressive with a 7 months pregnant woman ffs, what a hero get you & the kids out, don't stay and try to talk him round.
Do look after yourself, alert your already concerned Dr to what is going on.

You could contact your previous boss to ask him for a memo regarding the incident, and explain it is nothing to do with any legal action against the boss but as documentation of abuse by your stbxh.

You need to go to your police station and ask to speak to an officer and make a statement about all the abuse you have suffered -- incl screaming, losing your job, being hit/having things thrown at you, everything. Perhaps you could speak with the officer who responded before.

You will need to seek specialised help for your DS through the process of getting rid of your H, and you need to accept that moving out - perhaps in the short term - may well be your only option right now for your own safety and the safety of your children. Living where he is living now with your H raging at you and upsetting everyone is probably not doing your DS any good at all anyway. Your H sounds as if he is capable of anything, and staying put might not be safe at all.

You can't control this or cure it. You are not the cause of it. This is all down to a huge problem he has, and he alone is responsible for everything that he has chosen to say and do to you. There are not two sides to this.

What access do you have to money?
Are you able to get 'cash back' on every supermarket shop, ten here, twenty there? And start stockpiling a little fund?

Do everything PP suggest and start getting things in order.

Good luck OP.

We have a joint account with quite a large amount of savings in it and I have just opened an account in my name so that I can transfer half out if I need to leave at short notice. I will start putting away any change from shopping etc so I have an emergency fund too.

He is capable of anything. I don't doubt that at all. He is aggressive and violent for any reason at all.

I will try and start noting everything down and speak to the police too.

Please do something soon its no way for your babies to live. We are all behind you x

Although I understand what you're saying re your 2 year-old not coping with change/it would be best not to move him, children with ASD have to move house at times too and although it will likely disrupt him short-term, it will make his home environment better long - term.

If you've got plenty money in the joint savings, I would be very tempted to remove at least half of it (which is 'yours' anyway), go and rent somewhere furnished on a long lease, then all you have to take are clothes/toys (what you can fit in a car or taxi ).

Nothing practical to add but my heart is going out to you and your gorgeous boys op. Please make an appointment with your doctor "about your potential pre-eclampsia" and let him/her know about the abuse.

You need to stay safe. You are becoming more vulnerable every day. Get copies of everything you can today, if possible. Get to a doctor and get checked out. You need support now.

GiveMeVegemite please speak to someone confidentially where you are to get help and advice.

Please keep talking to us (make sure you hid this thread so he does not know).

You do not need to put up with this from this man.

Please keep yourself and your kids safe.

I had protein in my urine and was induced on my due date, all was relatively fine and my dd is the light of my life, well one of the three! Please get advice for how to handle this. This may take a while to sort out and get yourself out of the marriage.

Please do see a solicitor, to help you.

(I know this is going to sound crazy but just do be careful once baby is born not to get pregnant again, don't assume post pregnancy it can't happen again. You need all your energy and strength to keep yourself and your three safe, I am sure you will not be planning on anything but I am just saying....)

Thinking of you.

How does your 2 yo cope when he loses his temper? Surely the disruption of leaving can't be any worse?

I'd also withdraw more than half. Something tells me you'll need it.

Where is Australia are you?

www.1800respect.org.au/

Information and support 24/7 - Call 1800 737 732

I can transfer half out if I need to leave at short notice

If you need to leave at short notice, transfer the lot into your bank account as you can always pay half back if it proves necessary to do so.

Reach out to your policeman friend and update him on your current situation, a lawyer or the police can make contact with your former boss if required and, as previously advised. alert your local police to your situation

Even if you're not in NSW call this organisation which was mentioned by Mermaidhair on your other thread as they may know of similar dv initiatives in your area
www.washhouse.org.au/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=12&Itemid=19

Don't build your h up into some omnipotent being who will be able to terrorise you if you remain in your own home as I have a relative who works in Victoria's courts and my understanding is that the Australian justice system is far harder on domestic violence perpetrators than the UK's equivalent.

Your h is nothing more than a violent bully and the more you've let him get away with, the more he's escalated his abuse and control of you, but his type bawl like babies when they realise their twisted games are up and they're looking at serving time if they continue to harass or otherwise intimidate their former victims.

The danger is that he will be 'so sorry', 'so remorseful', 'so sad for the hurt he's caused you' that you'll believe his promise to spend the rest of his life making it up to you if you'll only stay married to him forever... blah de lying blah. As soon as he's got his feet under your table again he'll revert to type and no amount of dv perp courses will bring about any lasting change to his fundamentally flawed nature.

All the help you need is waiting for you to call on it, and once you have dv specialists/organisations on board you'll find yourself plugged into a network of supportive women whose stories will give you the courage to stand firm and end your marriage to an abusive manchild who is not fit, and never will be fit, to be a husband or a father.

In geneal unless your life is at risk you will do betetr if you stay in the current home particularly if you own it rather than just rent it and if necessary obtain legal aid (if you have low enough savings to qualify) to exclude your husband from the house on grounds of violence.

Ah I see you are in Australia - well the law there may differ.

There will be no more difficult times of your lives for your husand or you than now with 2 very small children and another on the way. Many of us manaeg without any financial support from an ex (although I always worked full time so when we split it was not such a financial problem as I wasn't reliant on any support payments) and you sound just very tired.
I wonder if tehre are any local nurseries or other local support to help with the children including the older autistic one so you can get a break or some respite or just some sleep?

If he has very high earnings then you need to do what people say above - get copies of everything. Plenty of men do give up all work after divorce to stop having to pay any money though so if you think he will spend all the money make sure you protect it. I know someone who got a freezing order over all bank accounts when divorcing to ensure the money didn't disappear.

Also check if the house is registered in just his name, if you own your home, or both and if just his register at the Australian land registry your right to live there. Make sure you know exactly what is paid into pensions, savings, mortgages every month.

I second everything said up thread about gathering money and documents.

But tell someone. Your midwife, police, preschool, mums group, gp, a trusted friend, family. Gather allies. When you leave, it will be easier if you gather help. You are vulnerable now as a sahm - he's cut you off from a job, and probably friends?

If you post this in an Australian forum, there could be more specific legal advice or members nearby willing to help. (essential baby?).

Are you eligible for centrelink? You are an Australian citizen?

Maybe go see them too...you can tell him it's about baby bonus or something. Once you know how much you will get as a single parent, you can think about finding a rental property using the savings for a deposit and rent in advance?

Although see what the legal advice is first. If you need to sell the house, at least the market is selling well at the moment.

Please stop listening to and believing his crap.

'He'll go for 50/50 custody' - he won't. And even if he does, with evidence of DV against him, no court will allow it. He's more likely to get 'supervised' access; more so if your 2YO is scared of him.
'He'll give up work' - and the courts will know that. You will still be entitled to child maintenance from him. He wont give up work.
'He'll never agree to moving out' = OP, he does not get the chance to 'agree' or not; it can be court ordered.

Keep posting. Keep going.

Your husband sounds like a c**t
Can I beat the shit out of him some sense into him?

GMVeg, what I mean by a "better property settlement now" is that as the custodial parent of three children you would be entitled to a much larger proportion of the family assets than the 50/50 split that is usually doled out to divorcing couples with no dependent DCs. It is possible that the house will be substantially awarded to you, if that is what you want.

His behaviour at your workplace was appalling. (Mind you, the boss should have called security or police rather than fire you.) I'm with the PP who suggested you ask your old boss for a statement, preferably via your solicitor. Bosses need to take DV very seriously.

Your doctor may be able to arrange respite care for your DCs.

Can you call your mum? Wouldn't she help you in a crisis? You seem to think that because she works full time you must not intrude on her. Is this your despair talking, I wonder? Would you feel better if the doctor called her?

What are your thoughts this morning op? I hope you have found time to do some research.

Thank you so much for all the advice.

I did go and see my doctor this morning (as I needed to get more blood tests done anyway). I mentioned to her that my husband had been yelling at me infront of the boys and that I was feeling a bit threatened and she gave me some information about who I should call and said that she would keep it confidential but that if he ever did get physical to call her straight away and she would document it all for court. She was very supportive. I was literally shaking whilst I told her. I felt so nervous as I had never told anyone (apart from my best friend and my mum).

I am going to arrange to see a DV lawyer next week and see what I would be entitled to and also see what can be done about me staying in the house if thats possible.

I'll keep you all updated.

Don't be afraid to tell your doctor everything, including having the toy thrown at you. Show her the photo.

Well done, you're being so very brave.

Well done

Keep telling people it will get easier

Huge step for you OP, but it's a step forward.
Well done.