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HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

(1000 Posts)
Izzie595 Sat 02-May-15 07:36:46

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar
1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:
1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
7. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
8. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
9. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

My Silver Lining

Izzie595 Sat 02-May-15 07:41:58

Morning all, I've done it!

The previous thread is still running, so you may wish to click on the link above.

TheOldWiseOne Sat 02-May-15 07:43:31

Well done * izzie* - top of the list this morning! flowers and a brew to you this morning..

Hobbitwife001 Sat 02-May-15 08:32:52

Hellloooo... I've just popped in to say,
Fantastic intro, Izzie proud of you, KOKO all you lovely people.x

livingwithsemtex Sat 02-May-15 08:54:13

Well done Izzie aka Bill Gates, Bob Gates, Garden Gate?? KOKO all us ladies too xx

fairylightsbackintheloft Sat 02-May-15 09:13:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rozalia Sat 02-May-15 09:15:43

Brilliant intro Izzie. Especially like the exclamation mark disclaimer!

BravingSpring Sat 02-May-15 09:18:24

Morning All x

BravingSpring Sat 02-May-15 09:55:32

fairy I doubt it'll be a "great new future", it'll be tainted with guilt, lack of trust, complications of you and your children, not exactly a fairy tale. It certainly won't be what you had when you were starting out on your relationship.

That's the way I'm looking at it, I had his best years, she's getting the mess he is now and she deserves it.

TheOldWiseOne Sat 02-May-15 09:55:58

OH and yes particularly love the JESS photo in the intro ! grin

Izzie595 Sat 02-May-15 10:23:28

fairy don't apologise for the downer. As I said, we can't all be in sync. And I echo what Braving said

I love the pic of Jess too. I wonder if it will disappear and reappear like WWK's photo. Talking of which, it will be strange her not running the bar, because I'm always alerted to her presence by her posts being in a different colour.

Roz for us!

Hobbit glad mother has had words with you.

Jess, for you x

Izzie595 Sat 02-May-15 10:37:30

Ali how's about this one?

The words "I'm still a rock star" have been going round my head this morning. Yeah, go me!

I also thought to myself that if the ex has bad taste in women, that's his problem, not mine.

1nogoingback3 Sat 02-May-15 10:44:49

Morning all. * izzie* a great thread opener. Love the Jessage choice smile

Hope we are all well. Weekends not great for me as HRT around but my oldest 2 children are coming home from uni tomorrow for a visit. Can't wait.

1nogoingback3 Sat 02-May-15 10:51:10

Love the music!

Frizzybear Sat 02-May-15 11:11:01

Had a bad start to the day DH was going to take the kids out today, my Sister and her DH are coming to paint my bathroom to cheer it up a bit, he phoned this morning really upset and grumpy asking if he can take DCs out tomorrow instead as he can't face seeing my family, I was text him last night trying to understand how we got to this place, he said this morning he felt I'm rubbing it in and that he feels terrible enough already, I got annoyed and said something along the lines of you've got to be joking me! After all I've been through and facing I'm supposed to pretend my life is one big fucking party, he dropped me some money round and apologised gave me a cuddle, he looks dreadful, he says his head feels like it's going to explode and he doesn't want to see or talk to anyone, he was crying, saying this is the hardest decision he's ever made, I asked him if he thought it was really the end, and is there any chance he would change his mind, he said I doubt it then I don't know, I don't think so, asked him if he felt any relief at all for finally leaving, he said he feels no relief, he just feels terrible, sat there with his head in his hands crying, he said every text I send I make him feel worse, I tried to explain to him that for 22 years he has been the first person I talk to in times of trouble and it's hard to just suddenly stop, he's in a real mess, this is his choice though isn't it, I don't know what he expected it to be like, he said I have everyone and he literally has his mum, I think I will just reply to texts on behalf of kids from now on and leave my feelings out of it all, I don't want to make things harder than they already are for any of us xx

iwashappy Sat 02-May-15 11:31:15

Name: iwas
Age: 59
Marriage: I ended my marriage in December 2014 after 25 years and am in the process of divorce.
Children: DS22 and DD16
Background: Suspected DH of cheating August 2014, I was devastated when my suspicions proved correct and after an initial period of seeing if it might be possible to consider working through it I ended my marriage when I found out my DH had also cheated on his first wife. It turned out he'd also cheated on me throughout our marriage.
Ex-DH: Known on here as Sid, he's 59 and living next door with OW.
Current state of mind: the Mecca of meh.

iwashappy Sat 02-May-15 11:38:08

Great thread Izzie x

Copied from another series of long running threads I thought a brief summary of each of us, for those that want to, might be useful as it's quite easy to get a bit muddled sometimes I'm old so have an excuse

Hobbit pleased Mother has worked her magic a bit. KOKO sweetheart flowers

BravingSpring Sat 02-May-15 11:57:55

I tackled the spare room today, so that's all his stuff boxed up now, except for his stupid model planes, I'll leave them till he's taken some more boxes and there's more room, otherwise they'll just be in the way. Then it's just the shed (which I've reorganised so I can get to the things I need) and his gun cabinet.

Once the gun cabinet is gone I'll start decorating dd's room, I think my in-laws are going to help with some money towards some new furniture, so I just need paint, curtains and a carpet.

Surely it'd be upsetting to see all your possessions boxed up ready to leave your home. He made a few flippant comments when he looked at them last week, but I'm sure it must hurt him somewhere deep down.

It'll never happen to me so I suppose I'll never know. My stuff won't be packed up unless me and DD decide to move.

1nogoingback3 Sat 02-May-15 12:06:46

frizzy not a good start to the weekend for you. flowers I've been married 22 years too. It's a long old time although some ladies on here have been married even longer. Not that the length of the marriage lessens or worsens the heartache.

You seem to be doing what I did a few months back when my H announced he didn't love me and wanted to leave. I begged and analysed, made him feel guilty etc etc until he agreed to stay until GCSEs over for youngest. All it's done is draw out the agony of him
leaving. I know that your ex is not living at home but would you honestly want him back to put you through this again at some future date? That is what I told myself and have stopped the pleading texts etc. Even though mine lives at home, we are now leading separate lives really and he's away most week nights.

Stopping the texts and the pleading conversations has given us both time to reflect. Interestingly, it's made me stronger and I know that there is no going back for me. To put me,and soon his children, through this means - for me - that there is something not right about his feelings towards me and his children. Perhaps it's another woman lurking, perhaps it's a break down, perhaps he just has fallen out of love. Who knows, but if it's happened once then it can happen again.

I'm not sure what the others think but in a continual state of heightened tensions and endless emotional to-ing and fro-ing of texts, emails etc, it's probably not possible for anyone to know what they are truly feeling. I had the advice to detach from the lovely ladies here and it was only when I started to listen to that advice, that I had a modicum of inner peace.

You seem to have a good network of support in RL and you have us. Little consolation I know for the loss of a soul mate and lifelong partner but still a lifeline in those most difficult moments.

My heart goes out to you because I think a lot of us recognise the feelings you are having and also recognise the futility of your behaviour towards him. I promised to change every aspect of myself and our lives to keep him. That was panic and desperation speaking - not the basis of a long term and happy relationship. Isn't there a saying, if you want to keep them let them go? I decided I had to do that and now I don't want him back. It still hurts massively at times though. Anyway, hope this doesn't sound like a lecture - it's certainly not meant as one. Thinking of you x

WellWhoKnew Sat 02-May-15 12:26:46

Morning Izzie! Fab intro!

Name: WWK, Mother
Status: Divorced for my unreasonable behaviour.
Marriage: 15 years, left abruptly, forget to mention it to me.
Background: Went to court four times. Left me in a financial hellhole then he went on to spend anything and everything he could get his hands on to avoid giving me a financial settlement. It was hell. Final Hearing finished about six weeks ago. Fell apart for quite some time. Had a lot of counselling. Currently trying to rebuild my life. Not easy but not giving up.
Ex DH: MrSW (Mr Snowey-Whitey) because it's never his fault and he's never to blame.
Current state of mind: must crack on with earning a pittance because them bills keep coming in...
Aim for the future: Worship in the mecca of 'meh'.

AccordingtoMe Sat 02-May-15 12:41:20

Hello everyone, great thread opener smile

Name: Atm
Status: separated in March 2015
Marriage: #1 cheated on #2 EA there will NOT be a #3
Background: Im a newbie, joined at the end of thread 5 I think but absorbing the most wonderful advice and nodding sagely along with some of the experiences of others. Have 2 lovely girls, one an adult who lives at home with me. Both were very happy I left. Work full time.
Ex H: I think is the twin of Mr SW because it's never his fault and he's never to blame
Current state of mind: On a journey of self-discovery and recovery from an abusive childhood and the inability to choose decent men to marry grin
Aim for the future: Get my youngest through secondary school, spread my wings and fly. Hopefully reaching Meh along the way.

Izzie595 Sat 02-May-15 12:44:42

WWK put your photo up! I was going to do it myself just then but it's disappeared from both the other threads.

I love your intro about your unreasonable behaviour. Mine forgot to mention he had left. Apparently he left 6 days before. And I reckon straight to her. Because there was no spending via bank account. The coward obviously hid his car. Well, my car actually. As us oldies know......

iwas Mecca of meh. High five!!!!!

Frizzy I have quite a bit to say about the points raised by your post and 1's reply. I need to formulate my thoughts, so will post later. I'm glad you have posted, but obviously sorry that the occasion called for it, if you know what I mean.

everyone Cutting posted on the previous thread this morning. This isn't really my area, the issues she raises. Can anyone else offer her advice?

I'm in the middle of painting the shower room. Quick cigarette break. Decorating tip of the day, it really does help if you get rid of all the dust before painting. Fuck! Too late now. It also helps to be either taller or to have long arms when having to stretch to paint the ceiling and the toilet is in the way of the ladder.

WellWhoKnew Sat 02-May-15 12:57:54

Piccie? This one?

1nogoingback3 Sat 02-May-15 12:59:03

Yes, 'the nothing is ever my fault syndrome.' Very familiar with that one over the years and of course our marriage breakdown is my fault to by the way! When our children were young, we had a serious life event that is etched in all our memories. I don't want to go into the details but suffice to say that it involved smoke!

I was not at home at the time and neither were the children. It was a total accident that I forgave - we were all safe and that was all that mattered to me.

In a heated discussion, around a year down the line, I was unbelievably blamed for this too, despite the fact that I wasn't even home and had never once blamed him. His inability to take responsibility for anything when things go wrong has plagued our marriage. The thing is, I honestly think he believes himself. Sad really.

BravingSpring Sat 02-May-15 13:03:11

Cutted I'm no expert, however, it seems to me that you feel you're repeating a pattern and every time it gets harder to bounce back, which is very understandable. We all gather baggage as we go through life and it becomes an emotional burden.

I think if you're not already having some counselling that would be a good idea, and maybe a referral from your GP into an IAPT service (talking therapies, like CBT) would be the best option, as they'll be able to tell them about your HRT and any medical history, rather than seeing a private counsellor.

Tell your GP exactly how you are feeling, don't hold anything back, waiting times can be longer than they should be in some areas, so if your GP can get you a priority referral take it.

Sorry, if I've read that wrong.

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