We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject. When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since) I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset. Any thoughts would appreciated.
Think he should have told you before but I wouldn't let it change your judgement of him if it's something silly he did in his younger years.
My first boyfriend had served 4 years in jail and my ExH had been to jail a couple of times. I knew about my boyfriends because it was a well publicised case in the city I live in and I already knew him and it didn't make a difference to me.
I knew about some of my ExHs and it was all daft stuff from when he was younger. Although he did fail to mention that he was just out of jail for IPV when we met, that would have put me off if I had known. I only found that one out once we had split up.
5 years for attempted murder he says it was a bar fight that just got way out of hand, he says he never thinks about never dwells on it and kinda wiped the memory it never crossed his mind to mention it
That's quite a sentence, so of course you are entitled to be scared, sad, disappointed, angry.
What was the first thing you bought? A house? That would have been mean of him, to not tell you before you got financially invested. But he has probably long come to terms with whatever he did, so may not have thought about it.
But he must expect you to be worried and need to discuss it again, once you have had a long think about it. Take some time, write down any questions you have. Then TELL him you need to discuss it and that he MUST cooperate so that you can take it in and deal with the new information.
He can't have any problem with that, you are offering to share your life with him. If he does, you will have one part of your answer - though that may be unfair. You say he has not had any trouble since, he is bound to be embarrassed by it... you'll need to give him leeway for that too.
Honesty the best policy in a new relationship, I told my now wife my whole life story including some things which I'm not proud of. I even told her about things I'd done in school which had gotten me in to trouble (suspended!).
I'm suprised your partner thought he could hide this from you considering his brother seems loose lipped!
oh yes i know someone who did time for murder after a 'bar fight that got out of hand' well he picked up a beer keg and smashed the other guy with it.... ohh boo hoo not his fault! and there were actually people in London putting on a benefit gig for him! ffs.
Milly - the 4 years my ex boyfriend was for culpable homicide.
Now I know that sounds awful but it was a fight (instigated by the other party) that went terribly terribly wrong. It probably helped that I had known my ex for a long time prior to what happened and then after. It was 10 years before we got together. We are still very good friends.
I know for he lives in regret every day over it and it has actually made him a very level headed man now. He would always walk away from a fight regardless of the circumstances.
I can understand it's hard to take in but don't jump to conclusions that he is some monster. So many 20-30 year olds have at one point or another been involved in some kind of fight. Nobody ever thinks they will hit someone so hard it could result in a charge like that.
However I also do think that he should have told you from day one. By not doing that I'm not sure if I could trust him.
Think it over, feel free to PM but most of all make the decision that is right for you. You are entitled to feel how you like about this information.
That's quite some crime... has he got control of his temper now? Ever been in trouble for anything else since? Do you think he's got a quick/nasty temper now? Have you seen any signs of aggression?
It might affect things that will have an impact on you. For instance, foreign holidays (esp. America), his employment - not sure for how long you have to declare a serious crime like that to future employers (if he did not, and he should, he can very probably be sacked for gross misconduct).
Did he show any remorse or concern for his victim?