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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

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Freyalright · 11/02/2014 16:53

I think you are out of order to expecting him to pay more than half. Bang out of order

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 16:54

I would have dumped him long before now. This isn't a 'dp', it's a cheapskate boyfriend.

This is how you handle it: 'This relationship isn't really going anywhere. I think it's time for me to move on. Best of luck in the future. Goodbye.'

VelmaD · 11/02/2014 16:54

But he has paid? He paid for your birthday, you paid for his?

You're a year in. You dont live together. Fgs, talk about it with him. If you want him to pay more, tell him. You can't expect him to be a mindreader. And if its been Dutch since first date and for a year he probably thinks there isn't a problem.

I dumped a guy once for insisting i paid for every single part of my share - grabbing a bag of crisps in the pub on his round wasn't allowed for instance. I couldn't be with someone that anal about money. But this sounds far from that.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 16:55

I outearned DH and never dreamed of his going 'Dutch' all the time. I enjoyed treating him. I even enjoy treating friends. Being generous when you can is a good thing. It's nice. It feels nice, too.

When I have money, I like to treat friends, especially if I know they don't have as much at the time.

Freyalright · 11/02/2014 16:57

Expat, I agree but the people you treat don't expect it or demand it. Big difference

NeoFaust · 11/02/2014 16:58

Oh look, gender privilege.

VelmaD · 11/02/2014 16:59

Expat, snap. I even do it with my mum when she's more broke than me at the end of the month, treat her to dinner.

My boyfriend earns double or more what I do, and has less outgoings. Our payment shift is about 70/30? If we go away he pays for the hotel and dinner, I pay for lunch and breakfast and places out.

Jan45 · 11/02/2014 16:59

Sorry but I think he's a bit mean, he earns a hell of a lot more than a single mother and has two properties, if he wants to go out eating and whatever, he needs to put his hand in his pocket if he wants you to go with him, your money goes on your child I'd imagine.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 16:59

They shouldn't have to, Frey. I enjoy it. Still do with DH. Nothing to do with gender. If I have more money, I enjoy treating them when I can.

Lweji · 11/02/2014 17:03

It depends on who chooses where to go and how much to spend.

If you don't want to spend that much, then make sure you go to places you can afford. If he wants to go upmarket, then he should fork out the difference.
You should not be poorer for dating a wealthier person than if you dated someone with the same income as you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/02/2014 17:03

If he's not reaching for his wallet by now he's unlikely to change. You're not a gold digger but he just wants to keep things on the same footing. Unless he is quite a bit older than you I imagine he is used to girlfriends paying their way, it may mean they don't worry about what he expects in return. Is he otherwise considerate, good company?

Of course if you're paying for babysitting you have spent money even before the first forkful or glass. Either cut down on the meals out or suggest he brings food and you'll cook? Or call it a day.

Freyalright · 11/02/2014 17:03

Expat, it's not a treat if it's the norm. If your mates demanded it, they would be using you.

Either stay in more or get a new boyfriend.

AuntySib · 11/02/2014 17:04

If I go out with friends, we pay for each other's drinks, ( as in a round...). If someone runs out of cash, someone else will pay, and it might not be reciprocated straight away, but it will be in due course. I think I would die of embarrassment to be buying single drinks in a pub, especially if with a boyfriend! The fact that he can stand next to you, order himself a drink and not buy one for you screams "cheapskate"!
LTB. Or at least tell him you can't afford to go out and see what happens!

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 17:17

It's not a gender thing if I was earning a lot more than him I would expect to pay more sometimes, and have done in past relationships. It just worries me if the relationship was to progress say living together I still pay half of everything he has loads left to do what he wants, I have nothing sorry I don't think it's very fair or equal but I know some will think it's out of order, but just sometimes it would be nice that's all I'm saying !

OP posts:

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 17:19

He says things like, I'm taking you out for dinner on Saturday and think oh nice, what he actually means is he's driving me there lol!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 17:22

But they don't have to demand it, Frey, because I can see/tell when they are low, maybe a bit shorter than I am at that time, and want to treat/help. This person lacks that perspective. You shouldn't even have to bring this up, OP. I mean, it doesn't take a genius to realise a single mum on a limited income does not have as much to spare as a higher-earner who has rental income as well. 'Oh, it's near the end of the month, Lovelypot may be running a bit low, think I'll ask her if she'd like to go to lunch, or send a shop round of her fav things.' 'Lovelypot and I are meeting for coffee, but she told me she had to renew road tax. That's always touch on that salary, I'll ask to treat.'

A person who doesn't or cannot perceive that is more than likely mean.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 17:24

'I'm taking you out for dinner on Saturday and think oh nice, what he actually means is he's driving me there lol!'

Then tell him, 'That sounds nice but I'm going to have to pass. Things are a little tight here moneywise. See you later.'

DON'T do all the work suggesting other stuff or inviting him over to mooch.

Jan45 · 11/02/2014 17:28

Taking you out for dinner actually means taking you as in paying, he's a right skin flint.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 17:30

Personally, I don't have time for obtuse people or skinflints. It would have been, 'It's been nice knowing you, but I'm looking for someone different. Best of luck in the future,' long before it got to this point.

teenagetantrums · 11/02/2014 17:44

you need to talk to him about money, before i had kids i would be clueless about how much they cost, if you have never told him you cant afford something how would he know?

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 17:49

He does have kids so he should know, I know they come first with finances but like I said he earns ALOT more than me.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 17:50

No one is that old and that obtuse. Have you ever told him, 'I can't afford this'?

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VelmaD · 11/02/2014 17:51

He may earn a lot more than you, but im guessing he pays out child maintenance and household expenses etc - just because he earns more on paper doesn't mean he has more disposible income. If you haven't had that conversations with him you can't make presumptions.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 17:54

Depends on how old the kids are.

kentishgirl · 11/02/2014 17:54

God I can't stand that sort of penny-pinching working out exactly half stuff. To buy one drink each at a bar is ridiculous. Truly. does he get his calculator out to work out your respective bills when you go out together?

I think that as there is a disparity in income, I would personally expect his hand to go in his pocket a bit more than mine. But that's me. I've never been in that situation though, things have always been more equal with a bit of back and forth one person better off this month, the other at another time. sometimes Iv'e gone dutch 50/50 for meals etc. for drinks - that's just gobsmacking. Otherwise sometimes one person pays, sometimes the other, and it all roughly evens out in the end

If you shared a pack of gum would he charge you for his half?

He's a tightwad. He can't bear to think of spending even £1 more on you than you spend on him. that's not normal.

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