He said he bought tickets - he didn't

[yellowraincoat]

My partner is a journalist and he gets free tickets for stuff sometimes.

Yesterday we were meant to see Bruce Springsteen for my bday - I actually couldn't go as I was ill. He told me he'd bought the tickets, not got them for free - this is important to me, I don't think it's nice to give people free stuff for their birthday.

However, I've found out that, in fact, the tickets were free after all.

I'm upset. Upset that he lied, upset that he didn't actually buy me anything but just got it for free.

But maybe I'm over-reacting. I have BPD and I often don't have a clue what's normal behaviour.

So am I?

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

At what point did he tell you that he'd paid for the tickets?
If he told you after you got ill and couldn't go, then was he telling you to make you feel even worse because the money he'd supposedly spent was wasted?
Either way, no, you're not overreacting and it's not good that he lied.

[yellowraincoat]

On my birthday, I said something like "oh these must have been so expensive, I feel bad you spent so much" and he said "it's fine, don't be silly". Something like that (my birthday was months ago, don't remember the exact words.)

Then yesterday I noticed he had a hospitality wristband that you normally get if you are press. I said "eh, I thought you bought those tickets" and he made a big deal about me not believing him and how horrible that was of me

I'm not pleased to admit it, but I looked in his emails because I knew he was lying. I KNEW. And he was. I know I've done wrong as well, I'm not happy with myself at all for looking.

I'm shaken. He NEVER lies to me. I thought. But he obviously does.

[savoycabbage]

I think it depends a little on how it all came about.

If you asked him to get the tickets for that particular event and he was given some through his work but you were placing a value on him having bought them then it would be tempting for him to just say that he had bought them.

I understand why you feel betrayed as you have been lied to but it doesn't mean he is a total bastard, it might just have spiraled.

[WizardofOs]

No. I hate little silly underhand lies like this.

An ex-boyfriend of mine bought tickets for a concert without asking me if I wanted to go. It was after work and miles away. I said I was not up for it but (because I am a mug nice) I paid for my ticket anyway. We were due to go with his brother and a week or so after the concert his brother let slip that boyfriend had sold my ticket outside the venue. The bastard had kept the money. His brother was shocked, boyfriend was strangely unapologetic.

I should have taken that incident as a big flashing warning that he wasn't to be trusted and it turns out he wan't. Only you know whether this a silly little one off or a symptom a bigger trait of dishonesty.

[Ragwort]

I can understand that you don't want to be lied to but I really can't understand why you would want your DP to pay for something that he can get for free .

It sounds as though you are seriously over thinking the whole thing and perhaps your DP is a bit wary of upsetting you so thought that telling a (white) lie was easier than having a huge discussion over something that is really rather a non-issue.

[Gettheetoanunnery]

Oh that's not nice. I'd be pissed off if that was me.
For me it wouldn't be because I don't like free stuff as a present, it would be the fact he totally lied about it.

Have you told him you looked at his email? What did he say?

[CountvonViscount]

oh god he got tickets

[yellowraincoat]

He knew I wanted to go, but I didn't really ask for tickets. They were so expensive, I never would have asked someone to pay that much for something.

He then specifically asked someone to get free tickets.

I love him. I really do. But I can't be with someone who lies.

[MooncupGoddess]

I hate lying and this would really upset me. How hard would it have been for him to buy you a separate present as well as offering you the Bruce Springsteen freebie?

Are you sure he is otherwise truthful?

[PenisVanLesbian]

I'd say he lied because you would make a big deal out of a silly thing. Why would anyone pay for something that they can get for free? And why is it only a present if it cost them money? Surely the value is in the thing itself, not in the monetary cost? To me that is illogical, unfair, and a little grasping. If I give someone a present I wouldn't expect them to rate it on how much it cost.

[fridakahlo]

Yellowraincoat, is this the same guy who you were having to live off as you'd lost your job?
If so, I think we already know that he is not the nicest guy to walk the planet.
I take it you managed to get the problems with the job, rent etc sorted?

[yellowraincoat]

OK, I know for some people getting something for free as a present wouldn't seem a big deal. It is to me. Everything we have is something that he's got for free. He doesn't need to put any effort in, everything he gets people for Christmas is just something he's been sent which he then just gives on to someone else. No thought, no effort.

Why not just say "I got these for free, but I've also got you this CD"? I don't want loads of stuff, I never have done. I just don't want stuff that has taken no effort.

[CountvonViscount]

buty some people just cant do presents

my h is master of laundry - shit at presents - accept and move on

[yellowraincoat]

Mooncup, that's exactly what I mean. I am the least grasping person in the universe, I really don't care about stuff. If he took me out for a coffee and a cake I'd be happy. It's the lack of effort more than anything.

frida, same guy. I know :( I have a job now, meant to be starting university in September in a different city.

I know we have to split up. It's so hard. I love him.

[PebblePots]

Hi, I understand why you are upset, but I would let it go. The main thing is he had planned a really nice night out (so what if it was free), & you would have had fun together. Maybe he would have got you dinner/sorted travel so you didn't need to worry about anything. Presents don't have to cost lots of money. I'd be really happy if my dh organised a trip out for me. We are skint so went to the pub for lunch for my dh's birthday, no gifts at all.

Worse things happen in life than this so save your energy & try to enjoy when things are good :-)

[yellowraincoat]

Really, I don't want to accept it. He lied to me. I thought he never lied. It was the one thing that kept us together sometimes because I thought I could trust him 100%.

[CountvonViscount]

people lie!

accept and move on

[BobbiFleckman]

well from what you remember, he didn't say that he'd bought the tickets, but he didn't set you straight.
I am often on the receiving end of these blags and have to tell you it's quite possible that he had to put far more time and effort into getting them free for you (and with hospitality! proper loos!) than he would have done by forking out on Ticketmaster. If it's the thought that counts, he's done a great job, and has no lied outright.

[PenisVanLesbian]

Or you could look at it that he is generous and gives away a lot of things that come his way, which presumably he could have kept for himself/sold/thrown away/whatever?
Lots of people aren't very good with presents, they don't all get loads of free things to give away to make up for it though.

[yellowraincoat]

Pebble I've said loads of times that I don't care about the money. It's not that. I would have had to worry about everything. He didn't even try to make it a nice day or anything. It wasn't like "oh it's your birthday treat, so I'll pay for dinner and make sure you have a lovely relaxing day". He spent most of the day in bed and I had to beg him to go to the chemist for cystitis stuff for me cos I felt like crap.

[yellowraincoat]

Bobbi, all he had to do was send an email to a PR saying "can I get free tickets"

They said "yes".

End of effort.

I feel sick that he lied to me. He said he'd never lie.

[PenisVanLesbian]

If he's a knob then thats your real problem, nothing to do with presents. Why do people always focus on the little things and not the actual problem (which is almost always that their partner/boyfriend/husband is a twat)?

[Lueji]

LTB

Seriously, my ex was like that.

The tickets are a minor thing.

If he can't be arsed to get you medicine, he's not worth keeping.

[PebblePots]

Also, he listened to you saying you wanted to go & went & sorted tickets, imo that is putting effort in & he paid attention to you. That's thoughtful. You could have been bought something you didn't like.

[WineGoggles]

Yellow I do see where you're coming from, I would also feel a bit funny about being given something for my birthday or christmas that my partner got for free. Any other time fine, but not b'day or xmas. No idea why, and I would also feel not right giving someone close to me a freebie for their b'day pressie if it was the only thing I got them. I also would hate my BF to lie to me.