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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Unplanned 4th, wife won't consider termination

(125 Posts)
theseraphim Tue 11-Apr-17 00:25:50

Hello,

i know this is a woman's forum mostly but i figured where best to get advice than here.

we have 3 kids, 9, 5 and 4. all with some level of behavioural issue.

wife struggles with the basic running of the household and now with a 4th it will be too much for her.

We had discussed this previously and i made it clear i did not want more until the routines and house were in good order.

well fate screwed that up and now she's 3-5 weeks pregnant. I immediately suggested termination but apparently she "just can't bring herself to do it"

i don't know how to get her to see sense, between the financial cost, the physical and mental struggle (she was ill with 2 of the three pregnancies and almost had a stroke from one of them) and the fact that i really don't want more children right now it's going to be unmanageable.

she doesn't seem to be able to rationally understand the huge commitment she is forcing on the whole family.

i suggested termination for now, we can always get pregnant again in a few years once everything is in order but she is so adamant.

i don't even want to look at her right now let alone support her selfish decision (if it was later in the pregnancy i would understand but at this point it's just a yolk sac and a tiny ball of cells, no heartbeat etc)

i just needed to vent a little, but i can't seem to get her to understand that she is making the wrong choice and forcing her wishes upon me for no real benefit.

we were on birth control and she missed one dose and apparently that was enough to catch.

i just don't know how to cope with this without feeling angry towards her, how am i supposed to love a child i didn't want, whose timing will ruin all of our plans for the future not to mention the extra stress it will add to our already difficult children.

i know i can't force her, but it feels like she is forcing me because she knows i will step up, of course i will... but i would be doing it not by choice but by force.

what can i do?

Itaintme Tue 11-Apr-17 00:30:23

You could support her instead of being angry with her.

crazycatgal Tue 11-Apr-17 00:33:35

You said she was on birth control and missed one dose. You can't really call her selfish for wanting to go through with the pregnancy when you left the contraception up to her. You could have doubles up and 'put something on the end of it' if you really didn't want another child.

She's now the one who is carrying a child so ultimately you need to support her decision.

AndNowItIsSeven Tue 11-Apr-17 00:34:37

Well firstly you can start by apologising to your wife, she didn't get pregnant on her own. Your have no right to tell her to have an abortion.
Also you seem quite ignorant, the heartbeat starts at 18 days from conception.

QueenoftheAndals Tue 11-Apr-17 00:35:11

You could help her to get the house "in good order" and if you were so dead set on not having more kids then a vasectomy might've been an idea. HTH.

memyselfandaye Tue 11-Apr-17 00:35:14

She "struggles" with running the house?

A "4th will be too much for her"?

"We were on birth control"?

And finally "a 4th will be too much for her"?

How about you pull your weight around the house, support the poor cow and get a fucking vasectomy?

I really hope you're a troll cos there is'nt a cure for terminal stupidity.

Newdad19 Tue 11-Apr-17 00:35:24

Wow.

Another dad here and Im honestly pretty taking back by your post.

Shes inflicting nothing on you and there is no element of selfishness here. You both had sex and got pregnant - your an idiot to think birth control is 100% effective.

It's time to stop making this about you and man up for your wife.

biscuit

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Tue 11-Apr-17 00:35:25

I hope you like arse, cos you are going to get yours served to you many times over.

Pomegranatemolasses Tue 11-Apr-17 00:42:02

When you say that all of your children have behavioural issues, are you talking about diagnosed special needs?

You sound really angry with your wife - the sentence about 'the routines and the house being in good order' seem quite callous.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 11-Apr-17 00:45:19

What MeMyself said, but put more floweryly grin

You simply cannot tell a woman what to do with her own body. Just can't, end of conversation. You could get a vacectomy, use condoms, pull out, not have sex, do more around the house, step up, help with routines and stop telling her what to do. All great options. Trying to pressure her into an abortion is not.

Neverknowing Tue 11-Apr-17 00:46:11

You're an arsehole.
Basically what you've said here is she has to get an abortion because she doesn't keep your house clean enough? Man up and take responsibility. It takes two to tango.

Terfinator Tue 11-Apr-17 00:55:05

Your situation does sound difficult. However, your attitude clearly isn't helping matters. It sounds like your wife isn't coping and needs more support. Could you afford an au pair?

In regards to the pregnancy, you will need to accept it. Full stop.

Congratulations flowers

HeddaGarbled Tue 11-Apr-17 00:57:18

Sounds like she needs help with the "basic running of the house" and "routines and house ...... in good order". Are you contibuting, or just criticising? If you are genuinely involved rather than judging from afar, maybe you need some outside intervention: cleaner, childminder, family etc.

HecateAntaia Tue 11-Apr-17 00:57:52

you cant make a woman terminate.
it is her body.

you can have a vasectomy. if you dont want more children then take control of your fertility.

you could also do more around the house if she is struggling.

Teabagtits Tue 11-Apr-17 01:04:45

we were on birth control and she missed one dose and apparently that was enough to catch

No you didn't bother your arse with birth control and left everything to your wife to sort (sounds a bit like everything else in your life from your description). It takes two to tango and you're now stuck with the result. You can't force someone to have a termination because you don't want another child. Why did you not get a vasectomy? Share the contraception responsibility, share the responsibility for the house and kids and share the responsibility for this fourth child.

5BlueHydrangea Tue 11-Apr-17 01:10:26

The BABY is created. Not imagined. Life begins at conception. Your wife needs support not criticism. Try it.

Sansculottes Tue 11-Apr-17 01:10:35

Op it sounds to me like you are mainly scared of what this extra baby might bring when you feel you are already struggling as a family. I'm sorry things feel so hard at the moment.

When we are finding things very difficult we can tend to lash out at others. Please make this something you deal with and decide together as the functioning of the family household is only going to become more not less difficult if you and your dw are at loggerheads.

Iirc the average woman taking bctablets misses 8 a year so she is far from alone in that and many women wouldn't feel able to terminate. I am very pro choice and don't think we could manage more dc, but if I got pg now I couldn't terminate. I think you need to start seeing this from her point of view too.

StrawberryJelly00 Tue 11-Apr-17 01:11:19

I think as previous posters have said contraception is the responsibility of both you shouldn't expect your wife to go through an abortion - like it's as routine as getting a flu jab hmm

When I got pregnant unexpectedly my OH's first thought was abortion and I understood why...he panicked...but ultimately it is my body and my choice he knew better than to force or coerce me into something I couldn't do.

If I had gone through with the abortion we definately would not have lasted in the relationship because I would have resented him for the rest of my life.

wobblywonderwoman Tue 11-Apr-17 01:12:50

Bizarre thread - why are you with her?

Why does she have to keep order in the house and organise contraception. Pretty offensive to say its not life yet. I felt like mother from the day I did a pregnancy test.

ToesInWater Tue 11-Apr-17 01:16:45

Why didn't you have a vasectomy if you definitely didn't want more children? I know it's a shock but you need to support your wife, helping rather than criticising would be a good start.

We had an unplanned third - I cried for four days when I found out I was pregnant. I was so grateful that DH took the "hey, what's another one" approach, like he said it wasn't something I did by myself. He had the snip when DD was two weeks old.

SparklyUnicornPoo Tue 11-Apr-17 01:17:25

wife struggles with the basic running of the household and how are you at housework? where are you while she's trying to run the house?

What you can do is help her get things sorted, you can't force her to have an abortion and if you didn't want another child you should have been more careful, contraception is both parties responsibility.

Clonakilty Tue 11-Apr-17 01:18:38

A woman's right to choose applies both ways: she can choose to keep the child if she wants. You're just going to have to accept and be supportive. You're a family.

lampshady Tue 11-Apr-17 01:20:58

You sound perfect OP. I'm sorry you're saddled with such a sorry excuse for a woman - I imagine the behavioural problems are her fault too. By routines, is she also not making your morning coffee or cooking your dinner? I could see how that would breed resentment after a while.

I ensure I pump enough hormones and medication into my body so I can't get pregnant or recognise what a twat my husband is. It works.

ShoesHaveSouls Tue 11-Apr-17 01:21:23

Yes, your life, finances etc may be easier if you diddn't have the baby.

Yes, some women may opt for a termination in this situation.

But, you cannot force her to have a termination against her will. That would be barbaric, inhuman. It's her body that this is happening to - she is pregnant, it's happened, and when she says she can't face an abortion, I'm afraid that is something that you cannot argue with.

If you were so dead set against another baby, then you should have taken more responsibility for contraception - the pill isn't 100% reliable even if taken correctly. The deed is done.

Topseyt Tue 11-Apr-17 01:42:38

You sound as though you think the basic running of the house and it's routines, along with caring for the children are totally "women's work" so I take it you don't pull your weight there at all. Maybe if you did she wouldn't be struggling.

You sound very cold, clinical and critical,and you leave everything to your wife.

If not having another child was so essential then why didn't you have a vasectomy after number three? Or is contraception "women's work" too?

If YOU don't fully share the parenting and routines of your joint children and joint household then YOU are being VERY selfish and unsupportive. Pull your finger out and try getting stuck in.

You sound like one of those men (and unfortunately it is nearly always men) who seriously need reminding that these are your children too.

The pregnancy is now a fact. It is your wife's body and her ultimate decision, which you don't get to dictate. That is the reality. You had a hand in making this happen too because you didn't take any responsibility for contraception yourself.

Start being supportive and stop being an idiot.

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