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Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

(1000 Posts)
Fluffydressinggown Mon 14-Jan-13 18:23:13

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. sad

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 10-Jun-13 16:35:05

Well done for being honest xxx

SnowyMouse Mon 10-Jun-13 17:14:17

Hugs fluffy, well done on trying to take them.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 10-Jun-13 18:42:04

Seconding the others. You sort of know you don't feel quite right atm, don't you? and I hope the risperadone is helpful. I don't know anything about this med, does it act straight away? or take a few weeks? I wonder.

fluffydressinggown Tue 11-Jun-13 22:50:52

I have taken the risperdone and OMG it has totally knocked me out, I slept for 14 hours last night and 3 hours this afternoon. Very unlike me. DH says it is my total lack of sleep from the past few months finally catching up on me. I still feel very tired.

I am having a lot of signs but I have some things to do first so will get through all of that before doing anything. I am not sure about SI.

Worried I am getting all of this wrong and I should be following God's plan for me.

I feel very sad that I need to be on anti-psychotics sad Like I have failed somehow. I hate hate this psychosis stuff. But then maybe it is not psychosis, it is all real. Hard to know these days.

However, this week I have plans and I will be ok and that is good I guess.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 12-Jun-13 01:52:59

I think DH is likely right. Take some time to let the meds help you catch up on your sleep.

And on that note, I had better go to bed myself...

Sunnywithshowers Wed 12-Jun-13 13:48:52

Hello lovely, I the tiredness eases off soon so you'll be back to your normal energy levels.

You're not a failure for taking anti-psychotics, not one tiny bit. I'm on anti-depressants and have been on and off for years. I'm not ecstatic about it, but I see them as helping me have a good life. If your health issue was physical e.g. diabetes you'd possibly have to take some kind of meds every day to live - this is just the same.

Big squishy hugs to you, I hope you have a good day today xxx

fluffydressinggown Wed 12-Jun-13 17:06:28

Still finding it hard to stay awake! So tired.

I can manage the anti-depressants, it is the psychosis stuff I hate, the whole issues of it, the psychosis, the drugs to treat it, weird thinking, all of it. Hmph.

larahusky Wed 12-Jun-13 22:18:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixwix Wed 12-Jun-13 23:33:57

Lara - that was a lovely post! I too, have been on anti-psychotics - quetiapine, olanzepine and briefly risperidone.

Fluffy - I don't post much on your thread, but I do follow you, and silently cheer you on.

Try to see it as a medicine to help you right now - you will feel knackered and sleep a lot to start with- and some of that is prolly the effects of long term sleep deprivation, and also the energy you expend through just trying to keep a lid on things, and keeping yourself safe.

Like Lara said - it's not a life sentence - I was on them 9 years ago, and am now off them and fine. I did need them at the time, and I understand your ambivalence - I really do.

Courage mes braves x

fluffydressinggown Thu 13-Jun-13 16:15:02

Thank you for your thoughtful posts, really appreciate them smile

I am persevering with the meds because I know if I don't take them I might end up in a situation where I am made to take them anyway which is crappy! I am still incredibly tired, find it hard to function, I went to the shops this morning and felt like I was sleep walking, so frustrating because I want to be AWAKE. I had a two hour nap this afternoon because I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

There definitely is a lot of psychology in needing to take meds to stop strange thoughts, somehow meds that change my mood feel less scary than meds that change my thinking. Maybe it is because if they do change it it shows that I am delusional which I still don't really believe I am.

I am finding I am avoiding speaking to people because God is speaking through them to me and it is difficult to focus. Hmm.

pepperrabbit Thu 13-Jun-13 21:51:18

Hello fluffy, I've not been around for a while but am thinking of you.
Hope the meds get sorted soon.

mamadoc Thu 13-Jun-13 22:51:06

The tiredness might wear off as you get used to the meds
If not aripiprazole is a non sedating antipsychotic

fluffydressinggown Thu 13-Jun-13 23:00:53

Oh god please say it does wear off I dont think.i can mansge this lev#l if tiredness ss my.norm! It feels like I have nit had any montgs

Terrible typing. I am on my pjone and there is a megs lag on it sorry!

fluffydressinggown Fri 14-Jun-13 13:56:56

I am seeing my CPN and crisis for a review today, I am unsure of what to say. I am having very strange thoughts but I have not done anything so maybe it is ok. I keep thinking of killing myself (in a specific way) which is upsetting and I am starting to see how things all fit together with God's plan.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 14-Jun-13 14:51:39

fluffy im very ho, you should mention the thoughts, as having strange thoughts is a symptom. As you get better, they should recede.

Do mention the side effects from the meds though, they probably want you to take them for a bit, but if side effects happen to continue, hopefully they might find something more suitable in a little while.

what lovey posts from lara and pix

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 14-Jun-13 14:52:49

*lovely (though I expect you are loveys wink)

fluffydressinggown Fri 14-Jun-13 17:32:42

Crap meeting and crashed the car on the way there. Just generally crap.

SnowyMouse Fri 14-Jun-13 18:52:41

(((( fluffy ))))

StripeyYogurt Fri 14-Jun-13 19:02:55

you or dh crashed? you ok from that physically?

Glad you werent offended by my post on 6th June - it is just clear you are having these awful thoughts again.

Can we do anything to help you?

What colour did you do your nails? I need to do mine badly. We all here for you when you want to chat xxx

fluffydressinggown Fri 14-Jun-13 19:38:11

Oh I did because I am a shit driver. Just didn't look! One of those things I guess. I wasn't too tired so at least it wasn't that, I couldn't live with myself if my tiredness caused it, just generally knobbery.

Going to reduce my dose of risperidone as well so that should help things.

Was very upset and agitated in the meeting just felt really cross and frustrated. Oh well. Feel a bit calmer now.

fluffydressinggown Fri 14-Jun-13 20:05:17

Oh and this is a photo of my nails.
blue sprinkles

Elderflowergranita Sat 15-Jun-13 00:15:10

Oh my gosh Fluffy, I want to eat your nails!

They are amazing. How on earth did you ( or manicurist) manage that?

fluffydressinggown Sat 15-Jun-13 13:07:50

I am not that talented, it is just polish.

It is a Barry M gelly one (Blueberry I think?) with a Barry M confetti one over it -,or.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.47883778,d.d2k&biw=1252&bih=526&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=Jle8UfeQIMKk0QX28oCADA#facrc=_&

I have around 100 nail polishes and paint my nails 2/3 times a week. I used to bite them and I worked in an environment where we were not allowed painted nails for a long time so now I can do them however I want I do!

I picked up my new glasses today and I am very happy with them and we had a nice wander around town this morning, bought the cat some special cat milk and she loooooved it. She also loved my very milky tea I had when I came home hmm and she wanted to try my popcorn and DH's chocolate muffin...

I have not taken my meds since Thursday night and I feel so much more awake and alert and better for it. Still having very odd thoughts and had a horrendous dream last night which upset me. I think I have had a hallucination as well. I will restart on a much lower dose on Monday.

However, DH is around all weekend and my parents are coming to stay for the night tomorrow so I have a nice few days ahead.

fluffydressinggown Wed 19-Jun-13 00:34:46

I had a nice weekend.

The car is being sorted, luckily my insurance covers a courtesy car so I can have that until I have my car back.

I saw my CPN yesterday and it was ok, quite productive but difficult.

I am being re-referred to psychology.

I feel like I have more to say, but no words. Worried I am about to crash (mentally not the car)

Sunnywithshowers Wed 19-Jun-13 01:13:53

Hi fluffy, I'm glad you had a good weekend smile Sending big hugs and positive thoughts to you, hope you don't crash x

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