Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

[Gibbsbasement]

My abusive STBX was asked to leave the house by a policeman and then refused to provide a forwarding address.

My solicitor sent him an email informing him of my decision to divorce him.

[IfMaybeBut]

A solicitor asked me the same question and basically said look divorce is messy and horrid...try and work it through (this is post affair)

So I did, which meant I spent another 7 miserable years...

When I finally left I didn't involve a solicitor but I did discuss at length with my ex. He never accepted it and always wanted to try again....except he never tried (either that or we were fatally matched)

[conway]

My solicitor sent an e mail followed by a letter. I was terrified but got through it. My ex tried many times to try and persuade me not to divorce but I stuck to my guns. Went for un-reasonable behaviour which he finally accepted and had to threaten to serve papers to get him to sign the papers.
That was 6 months ago and after doing all that have hit a bad spot as still living in the same house and things happening very slowly as he hasn't disclosed all his financial information which my solicitor has found out about.
I am sure it will be worth it in the end but a long process. Good luck ! Remember nothing worthwhile is easy

[Darcey2105]

Oh dear, it sounds really hard. My solicitor is going to ask him to move out at the same time as I ask for divorce. We're assuming he won't but that is part of my many-pronged attack!

A worry is that I have no money to pay for it, so they are planning to take all the fees out of my final settlement. My husband is going to try and fight everything at every stage, so I'm sure cost could really ramp up.

Although, as bad as it all sounds, things are so unpleasant here, and I've felt helpless and stuck for a long time, so I have to throw whatever I can at it to get away from him.

[Gibbsbasement]

Think of the costs of the divorce as an investment in yourself. You're worth it!

[silkysilky2]

costs of the divorce as an investment to you are your future.
Wow, never thought of it like that.
Nice thinking.

[LalaDipsey]

Stbxh moved out April 2013. He was abusive . I got him to leave by saying I needed space to make a decision. He thought I would beg to have him back. I haven't. For loads of reasons I decided to wait until 2yrs separation was up before filing for divorce; I spoke to him in November regarding this and he said he wanted to be in his own house by summer 2015 (he currently rents a top floor flat). My solicitor said we could get all the financials signed off by April so that the financial order was done then the divorce should be quicker and he have us a list of financials to get together. I have got all of my side together and he has done nothing! I will file once the two years are up next month and I know he still thinks I won't. I'm not sure what I'm adding to you.. Each divorce is, I'm sure, different. Despite my ExH being a total plank, I am glad I've waited the two years. I'm in no rush to find anyone else (with 3 under 5 I lack the time and energy!) so hope this makes it easier on us all. Less angst and all that. Maybe!

[Darcey2105]

Cripes - I've got the appointment tomorrow with the solicitor to write the letter that starts the divorce. I'm terrified!!

I keep thinking it's not that bad, then the next minute I'm like 'oh yes, it is'.

Feel really scared taking that first step though... :(

[Gibbsbasement]

Steel yourself and consider the consequences of not going to your appointment tomorrow.

Can you continue in the relationship as it is?
Is your H going to change? NO!
How much longer do you want to deal with it?
You've made it this far, be brave.

Think of the start of a divorce as a sticking plaster; you're about to pull it off and expose the wound, but you know that letting the air get to it and sharing the pain with others will help you heal.

[LalaDipsey]

Hi , I had appt yday to write first letter too. How did you go?

[Darcey2105]

It was ok thanks. The main thing is he's going to email it to me first which means I can control the timing of it, as my oh doesn't actually know I've seen a solicitor for divorce. I'm planning to give him one day's warning of what's coming his way.

The solicitor was less interested in discussing all sorts of eventualities. He was just like 'shall I write the letter then?' I really wanted some hand holding but that's not his job. And as we've agreed a fixed fee, he was keeping the meeting as short as poss.

How did your meeting go? Has your OH received the letter yet?

[LalaDipsey]

ExH should receive the letter today I think. I told him on Saturday when he came over to see DC that it was coming and he was oddly ok about it. However, he hasn't yet sought legal advice and once he realises that he won't get half the equity I don't think he'll be so nice. Needs to be done though. When are you telling your husband?

[Darcey2105]

Well I haven't been emailed the letter from my solicitor yet, I'll call him tomorrow to check he has my correct address. OH was awful as ever tonight, but still didn't tell him about the divorce, as I want him to read my letter first, before he goes to his lawyers.

I'm feeling really anxious about the whole thing, even though I thought I'd feel relieved. I suppose I know I've got whole lot of stress to get through first.

Also getting worried as I don't have a job and am completely reliant on him, so I don't have any back up plan if he takes all his money away. I know he would have to give me something, but he could make it very difficult for me if he wanted to

[Gibbsbasement]

Darcey do you have joint account? Is there money in it? If you are in any doubt as to whether your STBXH will be cooperative transfer the money into an account in your name only.

[worridmum]

if you deprive you STBXH you could be in a heap of problems as a joint account is joint money and any money you spend out of it could possibly taken from your share of the assists (happened to my sister she decided she needed the £30,000 from joint account to pay for day to day living plus solicitors costs and thus depriving her Ex of the ability to pay for a soliciotr and the judge took a very dim view to this and basically in the end is was a basic 50 /50 split of assits and from her 50% of the assits a further £15,000 was deducted as he was entitled to 50% of that before she spent it / made in vanish) so it ended up being closer to 40/60 in his favour

[Darcey2105]

thanks for all your messages. That's a good point deck I don't really have anyone in RL to help me, so I find it really hard alone. I now have the letter to send to oh, but he's away with work for 10days so I'll wait until he comes back. I soo keep on back tracking on the whole thing. He's still completely unaware of what's coming his way.

Anyway, I'll keep posting here to relive stress :)

[Darcey2105]

Woohoo just told oh about divorce- that's a weight off my mind. Let battle commence!

[Darcey2105]

Well he tried to talk me out of it and kept saying "what have I done wrong?" Err try looking at your police record for the answer to that question.

Tough times ahead undoubtedly, but I'm glad the first bit is out in the open now.

[Namechanger2015]

How is it going OP? I'm speaking to my SHL tomorrow with plans to send a Letter Of Action next week.

H has no idea it's coming even though I left him in Jan after he assaulted me in front of our DC. He thinks he has sweet-talked me out of a divorce and all is well again.

So he will go ballistic when he gets the letter next week.

[Darcey2105]

Hi Namechanger I was just reading one of your threads last night actually, and I was going to reply as I could relate to lots of it! It's so great you've moved near your parents and you're surrounded by support. My parents spent a few months trying to convince me to move to their town, I resisted as I thought it was a bad idea, and now I'm thinking 'what have I done?'

But in terms of the divorce,, things are moving very slowly. I told him about it when he was away with work. He got his SIL to call me to talk me out of it, then when he came home I left the solicitor's letter lying on the kitchen table for him, and when I got up in the morning it was gone, so I just assumed he'd taken it away with him (he was off on another trip). Well i just found out yesterday he's saying he never saw the letter. I'm thinking he will have just thrown it in the bin without opening it. So I will email him the letter to read at work on Monday (rather than deal with the fallout when we're in the house together at the weekend). Then he's got 7 days to reply (not sure what happens if he doesn't reply). In the meantime I need to pay my solicitor out of H's account as I have no money of my own, which will undoubtedly cause a row.

I'm feeling good about things at the moment though. i feel I'm in control of the situation for a change. I can now tell people in real life that we're separating. And I've started doing the Freedom programme,which is so good to know it lasts 12 weeks, and it's helping me already. He came back from his trip trying to be wonderful and reasonable and relaxed. He's cracking now though.

[Namechanger2015]

Hi Darcey oh I'm glad (if that is the right word!) that you could relate to my posts, it sometimes doesn't feel real going through this alone, like I may have made the whole thing up!

Your H will have to reply in 7 days, but if he doesn't, you can go ahead anyway after 21 days anyway:

www.gov.uk/divorce/respond-to-a-divorce-petition

So the good news is that the ball will be rolling anyway whether he likes it or not. (this is the bit that scares me as H will go ballistic when he gets this. He truly doesn't think he has done anything wrong and is expecting me to go back to him).

Good idea to email it to him on Monday. I am going to chicken out and ask the SHL to email him on my behalf if he can.

Is there anyway you can move out? It must be unbearable being in the same house together?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

darcey thanks for your response on my thread, I'll join you here instead for inspiration (or diversion)! I'm glad you've all been able to start the process, please keep up the momentum. I've started and stopped many times now and am starting to just feel bored with the whole thing.

I carried that letter around in my handbag all last weekend but couldn't bring myself to give it to him. It's still on the table at home,he hasn't been back. We own 2 houses which should help but its actually contributing to the problem as he's constantly on at me to be in the one place when I need (want) to be in the other for work, it's supposed to be on the market but it isn't (long story, sorry!).

Tottering on the brink, still! I've been doing that for months. No family support (but counsellor, solicitor, and a few good friends) and my real worry is for him, that he will destroy himself (or me) when he is told I've taken action. I so wish he'd decide to divorce me, he's critical enough of me! I've taken to walking with a limp this weekend because it infuriates him.

I had, over a year ago, clear grounds for divorce and injunctions (he'd been cautioned for assault, spent night in a police cell after I called police after he said he'd 'smash my f-ing face in') but I brushed it all under the carpet and wtf we are still limping along. I just don't understand this system, where a vulnerable person (and weak in my case) is meant to take such drastic action against someone, I want someone else to do it for me! Like, a GP or counsellor or judge to intervene and say 'we've studied the facts and your marriage is untenable' rather than me saying I've decided that I want to end it.

Apologies for the thread invasion. I'll be watching with interest. Btw I do have a new plan...to be grown-up about it and tell him this week that I don't want to go on. And tell him the letters at home on the table. Who knows, it may work and we can gave a reasonable discussion of what we do next? Rather than me delaying because I'm assuming he will go into self destruct mode!