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Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

(984 Posts)
Mummylin Tue 07-Mar-17 15:15:13

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

lucyandpoppy123 Tue 07-Mar-17 18:41:50

Hi everyone 🍷

It's been over a month now since my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack aged 53, I'm going back to my hometown where my dad lived his whole life to sort through boxes of stuff I had stored at his flat on Friday. Also went back to Uni today having not managed to go in much for the last few weeks and I was able to focus on my lessons a bit but thinking about dad a lot

Stilllivinginazoo Tue 07-Mar-17 19:49:43

Checking into new thread.hi mummylin
Been tough day here.waves tears over nothing.think finally hitting me good n proper
Hope everyone else doing OK.xx

Mummylin Tue 07-Mar-17 20:04:27

Hello Lucy good on you for going back to uni . That is a massive step forward for you. Of course there will be times when you will find it very hard to cope. But this will pass and things gradually get much better in time. I am so happy that you are going forward in your life.
Your dad will stay in your heart forever and would want you to carry on with your life. I am sure he would be very proud of you 💐

Mummylin Tue 07-Mar-17 20:11:11

Hello Still Do not worry, everything you are going through is perfectly normal. For you it's tears ( and me ) for others they may just want to be alone, and others maybe they crave company.Everyone is different and learns their own way to cope with this devastating event. It changes us forever. But whichever way we each deal with it , it is perfectly fine. Sadly it does take a while to get ourselves back on an even keel, and we can speak about our loss without our eyes filling with tears each time. It does get better, I promise you that. And you can go on to still have a happy life. Despite your loss. 💐

mymatemax Tue 07-Mar-17 23:44:11

So why aren't I crying & I actually feel ok? Does that mean I didn't love him enough. Other family members talk of this feeling that catches them unaware & makes them feel sick. I miss him & I hate seeing my dm so heartbroken but am I so heartless that I feel ok.

Mummylin Tue 07-Mar-17 23:49:21

No your not heartless. You are you and they are them. You don't have to feel the same as anyone else. You don't have to be in floods of tears to grieve. Shock can affect people as well. And inside it may be that you want to be strong for your DM as you don't like seeing her so sad. I expect the tears will come eventually, even some weeks on. 💐

mymatemax Tue 07-Mar-17 23:56:23

Thank you mum myelin, it's nearly a year. There were tears, at the funeral, when he died & when we have been together as a family since but I think it is there sadness that makes me cry. When I think of him I smile, I know that is a good thing & I am lucky that I am able to do that. I really feel as if I have accepted it and moved on. I suppose part of me is scared that it will all hit me at some point & I'll crash. Maybe I should just be pleased that I am ok now and stop worrying.

Mummylin Wed 08-Mar-17 09:07:22

Yes, I would stop worrying for now. The sadness has a way of intruding when we least expect it But it passes and we carry on as best as we can. We move on but we don't stop loving and missing someone, we just learn to live with it. 💐

LazySusan11 Wed 08-Mar-17 09:25:10

I'm so sorry that we're all here, yet I feel comforted knowing I'm not on my own.

We're house hunting and have a viewing tomorrow (well dh does I'm away with work) I was explaining to a colleague about the house and said 'it's not too far from mum and dads' realised what I'd said and promptly burst into tears. Idiot.

Some days I'm able to tick along ok and others I get blindsided as if it's happened all over again. It's 5 weeks today and it still so raw and hard to deal with.

I'm just trying to accept how I feel and go with the flow hoping that one day the gaping hole is filled with happy memories.

We're all doing our best and that's all we can do.

Mummylin Wed 08-Mar-17 09:43:40

Hello lazy it is still very early days for you and understandable that the tears still flow. But gradually things will improve for you. And one of these days you will find yourself having a chuckle over something amusing that has happened in the past. I'm sure you can't imagine ever being happy again, but you certainly will, but it all takes time and you have to go through the grieving process. Just to put one step in front of the other can be tough in the beginning, but gradually you will feel a change. 💐

lemonzest123 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:10:41

I found an old video on my phone of me practicing acrobatics in her garden and her yelling out the window "that looks dangerous". She then laughed and told me my trackies were ugly. Made me laugh and smile at first but been crying on and off all day ever since.

Mummylin Wed 08-Mar-17 21:17:31

Are you talking about your mum lemon do you want to tell us more about your situation. I am sorry that you have. been so upset today. I have videos of my mum, but haven't been brave enough to look at them.

lemonzest123 Wed 08-Mar-17 21:22:09

Hi Lin

I had these two beautiful epic 2000 post long threads where MN held my hand through the last month of my Mum's life, they were beautiful smile

I'd link to them but they've disappeared now.

My Mum was 60, she died in October. She had had cancer for 4 years and we nursed her 24 hours for the last two months.

It was fucking dreadful. Hearing her on the video made me a bit crazy and I've cried all day sad

Thanks for listening.

Mummylin Wed 08-Mar-17 21:49:46

You were very brave to watch the vids. My mum died 5 yrs ago, also in October, but I'm afraid to watch them, even after this time has passed.
I am not surprised that you sobbed, it must be very bitter sweet to be able to see your mum on screen , knowing she isn't here. I hope that I can be like you and face it one day. I am sorry that you had to go through this

lemonzest123 Wed 08-Mar-17 22:19:30

Thank you. It's just the one video that has her voice in. Also with it being IWD made me think about how strong she was. It's all so fucking depressing. Does it get any easier?

Mummylin Wed 08-Mar-17 22:57:41

Yes it does get easier, but it takes a while. There is no short cut I'm afraid. The first year there are all the anniversaries, birthdays etc and of course Mother's Day, which can be a terribly sad day the first time.
But gradually the days become brighter, your heart a little lighter and you have more good days than bad. Then one day you catch yourself laughing without even thinking about it. Then you feel guilty because you laughed ! Life then becomes a bit more normal. You may still have sad days, but they will be a lot fewer eventually. 💐

Fedupd0tcom Thu 09-Mar-17 18:36:39

My Dad passed away 2 years ago yesterday. Then I found out dm's kidneys had failed and now she's on dialysis. I'm terrified for her. Only starting to come to terms with losing Dad now. Been crying on and off all day. Just feel unbelievably sad and don't know how to cope with it at all. Feel broken. Had flashbacks of when he died in the hospital last night and couldn't sleep. I was with him when he went. I was with him the 2 weeks he fought to recover from pneumonia in hospital but sadly the dementia had got to him and he was too weak. On Weds he would have been 70. My heart is breaking today. I know I need to calm down and get a grip. But I'm struggling massively.

Panga63 Thu 09-Mar-17 18:47:56

DF died 2 years ago. I was clearing out a cupboard the other day and found some of my dads old talcum powder and the smell reminded me of my dad. Floods of tears because i cant remember what his voice sounded like any more

CPtart Thu 09-Mar-17 19:30:03

My DM was killed in a car accident in September she was 69. We still have the inquest to come. Lost my DF 17 years ago aged 54, so effectively an orphan now before my mid 40's.
CHristmas was hard, Mother's Day will be hard and her 70th birthday this year will be even harder. Some days I barely have time to think about her, other days the grief sits heavy on my chest.
I haven't even dared drive past the family home we had to sell.

CindyCrawford2 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:38:40

Crying reading these. My heart goes out to everyone. I lost my DD to cancer when I was 33 (he was 64). My DM was heartbroken and eventually moved in with me and my family. We had 14 fanstastic years living together when, a year ago, totally out of the blue, she developed cancer and died within seven weeks of diagnosis. I looked after her at home all through her illness and she died at home with me. I miss her everyday, no-one else understands. I keep waiting for her to come back to me x

Mummylin Thu 09-Mar-17 19:44:00

Hello fedup I am sorry to see that you are struggling badly at the moment. I suppose it's seeing your mum I'll has triggered off thoughts of the loss of your dad. Very worrying for you and your anxiety is understandable. You are simply terrified of losing your mum too. Have the medics given you any indication what is likely for your mum, how long can she stay on dialysis ? I don't know anything about this but maybe someone else will. Do you have family to support you or a good friend ? 💐

Littleelffriend Thu 09-Mar-17 19:46:14

It's nearly 2 years since my mum dies she was 64. I think about her every day and am heartbroken she will never meet my daughter. I'm so sorry for everyone that's lost someone x

Mummylin Thu 09-Mar-17 19:48:08

Panga that must be a horrible feeling.lucky for me I can still remember my mums voice and also the feel of her skin. It was so soft. Does anyone have any video that she would be on ? Try not to keep remembering, then it may just pop back into your head hopefully. 💐

Mummylin Thu 09-Mar-17 19:52:41

Hello CP it has been a truly horrible time for you. The shock must of been enormous and hard to come to terms with. I have to agree that there are some sad days ahead with your mums birthday and Mother's Day.
Like you I cannot bear to go past my mums house and do not go down her road at all. I could not bear to see someone else standing in her front garden.
I hope that you too have Rl family and friends who are supporting you. 💐

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