To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

(666 Posts)
FuckingFabulous Fri 17-Sep-21 20:06:49

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

OP’s posts: |
RiverSkater Fri 17-Sep-21 20:09:24

That is a great story! 😆

crankysaurus Fri 17-Sep-21 20:12:22

Sorry, I'm taking my 'secrets that I'm taking to the grave' to the grave with me.

Brollywasntneededafterall Fri 17-Sep-21 20:13:19

You would have been caught on cctv these days op!!
Ah well, shit happens!!

LeanneBrownsLonelyBraincell Fri 17-Sep-21 20:14:44

Oh my god I laughed out loud at that!!!

I'm sorry for your gastrointestinal distress OP. Honestly.

Susannahmoody Fri 17-Sep-21 20:16:20

That's a good one.

When I was 6 (six as in a child who has been in the earth for only 6 years!) I wrote the word 'PIG' on a piece of that awful loo tracing paper and left it in the toilets.

You would have thought someone had written a 'Fuck you, Mrs. Thompson I am gonna kill you' type letter. I swear it was like the Spanish inquisition. The teacher, at the front of the class, LIVID with anger about the word pig on a piece of paper. I was absolutely shitting my six year old pants. It went on all afternoon, on and on. Who has done this terrible thing? At one point the teacher threatened to call the police for further questioning. The whole situation was utterly blown out of proportion. I was bloody traumatised as a result. I didn't own up. I thought that they would execute me if I did or something.

I'm still pissed off at that teacher for making me feel as guilty and anxious as I did, all because of a bloody piece of toilet paper.

AuntieDolly Fri 17-Sep-21 20:16:27

Thank goodness you didn't have your name on it!

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FuckingFabulous Fri 17-Sep-21 20:16:41

crankysaurus

Sorry, I'm taking my 'secrets that I'm taking to the grave' to the grave with me.


Of course, but you're not confessing them at a family party. Just anonymously online.

Plus, mine literally was taken to the grave. Of a Lance corporal, if I recall the newsletter correctly.

OP’s posts: |
Lockheart Fri 17-Sep-21 20:18:15

"Anonymously online" until they get splashed all over cheap tabloid media...

the80sweregreat Fri 17-Sep-21 20:18:46

Lockheart

"Anonymously online" until they get splashed all over cheap tabloid media...


Precisely !!
Watch this space eh?

coodawoodashooda Fri 17-Sep-21 20:19:48

That is hilarious!!!

olidora63 Fri 17-Sep-21 20:19:53

I new the sex of my baby and didn’t tell husband!!

FuckingFabulous Fri 17-Sep-21 20:20:29

Lockheart

"Anonymously online" until they get splashed all over cheap tabloid media...


Nobody could connect it to you. Unburden your soul, Lockheart. 😂

OP’s posts: |
FelicityBeedle Fri 17-Sep-21 20:20:55

Similar but light rail system and a wee. I did it on the bridge incredibly quickly. I also once peed myself on the light rail system on a seat, oh and once before getting on a bus with lots of friends. Looking back I had a near constant UTI as a teen, combined with my annoyingly tiny bladder

the80sweregreat Fri 17-Sep-21 20:21:15

Lockhart knows better than that !

Hm2020 Fri 17-Sep-21 20:21:28

Op I think you won the thread allready great story grin

RobertaFirmino Fri 17-Sep-21 20:21:42

As a student, I had a kind and generous Chinese housemate who loved to cook his mother's recipes for us all. One day, I went to the loo and was stunned to find out I had worms! Ovex didn't seem to work so I went to the GP and had to give a stool sample. In the meantime, I had gone through the embarrassment of telling my housemates I had worms and together, we scrubbed and disinfected the whole house from top to bottom. It took us all day.

A few days later, I went back to the GP. He informed me that I didn't have worms at all. I did, however, need to chew my beansprouts more thoroughly. Seeing as how one housemate spilt Domestos down her front, ruining a £50 top (that was a fair whack in 1996) whilst we were scrubbing, I thought it best to keep quiet.

Strawbsaturno Fri 17-Sep-21 20:25:43

I still owe my brother £3 from 1993. I never paid him back.

FelicityBeedle Fri 17-Sep-21 20:26:04

Oh you poor thing @RobertaFirmino
You’ve just reminded me of another actually, I had threadworms from age 10ish to 16 because I was too embarrassed to admit it to anybody or buy ovex. This is quite cathartic!

SeaToSki Fri 17-Sep-21 20:28:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

blissfulllife Fri 17-Sep-21 20:30:29

My exh was really awful but everyone thought he was great. I won't say what he did to drive me to this, I will definitely take that part to my grave but trust me I've only ever been able to share it with one person,a therapist in all these years and it's effected me so much. It would rip my family apart in unimaginable ways. I never wanted him to be able to trap and hurt anyone else like he did me. So I encouraged him to have a vasectomy, then left him. Not sorry at all

PetuniaButterworth Fri 17-Sep-21 20:33:28

I put the screw in the tuna

AuntMargo Fri 17-Sep-21 20:35:12

I am one of those you nicks other staff members milk from work fridge, no matter how many emails get sent out I still do it !!

MarceyMc Fri 17-Sep-21 20:36:15

Susannahmoody

That's a good one.

When I was 6 (six as in a child who has been in the earth for only 6 years!) I wrote the word 'PIG' on a piece of that awful loo tracing paper and left it in the toilets.

You would have thought someone had written a 'Fuck you, Mrs. Thompson I am gonna kill you' type letter. I swear it was like the Spanish inquisition. The teacher, at the front of the class, LIVID with anger about the word pig on a piece of paper. I was absolutely shitting my six year old pants. It went on all afternoon, on and on. Who has done this terrible thing? At one point the teacher threatened to call the police for further questioning. The whole situation was utterly blown out of proportion. I was bloody traumatised as a result. I didn't own up. I thought that they would execute me if I did or something.

I'm still pissed off at that teacher for making me feel as guilty and anxious as I did, all because of a bloody piece of toilet paper.


This has tickled me gringrin

ShaneTheThird Fri 17-Sep-21 20:36:42

This is definitely going to end up in the sun grin

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