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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think women can't have it all?

240 replies

0Cripes · 03/09/2021 23:30

I'm pregnant with DC3 and due soon. My boss recently announced he was leaving at the end of this month on a 9 month secondment. His role is a natural progression for me and he has been teeing me up for it for 7 years. However, someone will backfill his role and gain experience for 9 months that I won't have a chance to get, therefore when the permanent position comes up (my boss has no intention to return) I'll be at a disadvantage.
If I wasn't going on mat leave I would stand a very good chance getting this role. I am annoyed as I feel I'm now at a disadvantage and my career is suffering because I've chosen to have a child. I appreciate that I still have the opportunity to apply but I'm pretty sure I won't get it knowing I'll be absent for 6 months of it!
I know the timings are nobodies fault but AIBU to be annoyed at this and think it's so hard for women to have kids and a successful career?

OP posts:
Thethingswedoforlove · 03/09/2021 23:32

Do you feel the same about men? I get it. But men are increasingly facing the same issues/ conflicts. And that has to be a good thing. Perhaps it is more than individuals can’t have it all? We have to make choices and do our best?

Mybalconyiscracking · 03/09/2021 23:32

Neither do men, to be fair!

flowerycurtain · 03/09/2021 23:33

Do you have to take mat leave? Could your partner take parental leave?

LargeBouquet · 03/09/2021 23:33

I don’t think it’s true as a general rule. It’s simply unfortunate timing in your case. I had something similar happen when I’d won a fellowship that took me abroad for a year (that couldn’t be deferred).

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 23:33

Well men can’t have it all either. Men can’t stay at home for 9 months and stay at work too. You’re making a choice.

Blueeilidh · 03/09/2021 23:35

Yanbu. I've never known men to face the same issues.

Babyroobs · 03/09/2021 23:35

Take a short mat leave or share with your partner.

Pinkchocolate · 03/09/2021 23:37

YANBU, it’s really frustrating. My line manager told me she was speaking to my boss and arranging a promotion just before she found out I was pregnant, it was then officially offered to a colleague, I was devastated at the time. My friends and I are in our early 40’s with relatively successful careers and we have found it almost impossible to keep them while bringing up kids. We have all undoubtedly suffered in our careers for the privilege of having kids.

Whatinthelord · 03/09/2021 23:38

I think balancing a work/career with children is hard for all parents. Obviously women are often the main carer and so their careers are impacted more by parenthood. Whereas fathers more often forgoe time with their kids for working.

I think it is possible to have a good career and family, but it’s difficult because of the type of issues you mention in your post.

EL8888 · 03/09/2021 23:39

Don’t go on maternity leave then, take 2 weeks or so and go back. We all have choices

LocalHobo · 03/09/2021 23:41

Do you have to take mat leave? Could your partner take parental leave?

You could be back at your desk in about 3 weeks? I have seen that done.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 03/09/2021 23:45

It depends what an individuals 'it all', is.

I feel like I have 'it all.

I am early 40's. Married. One dd. Job that is excellent wages, just moving into our forever home. Ample money to gut and do everything we want.

My 'it all', isn't promotions, career advancement, bigger house etc.

We are happy in our marriage, money enough for what we want, not rich by any means, but you can't buy happiness with money or a better job.

Working 32.5hrs per week with some from home work, so I can be home when my daughter comes home from school every day. Husband happy in his job.

This is 'it all' for me.

Iggly · 03/09/2021 23:49

@Thethingswedoforlove

Do you feel the same about men? I get it. But men are increasingly facing the same issues/ conflicts. And that has to be a good thing. Perhaps it is more than individuals can’t have it all? We have to make choices and do our best?
Not in my view do they to the same extent.

At the end of the day, our society is set up towards having (needing) two working parents in order to have any standard of living. Invariably women end up in lower paid jobs because they take breaks for maternity and are effectively discriminated against for being out.

Iggly · 03/09/2021 23:50

@EL8888

Don’t go on maternity leave then, take 2 weeks or so and go back. We all have choices
It takes up to a year for a woman’s body to properly recover from childbirth and pregnancy.

After two weeks I couldn’t walk to the end of my road, let alone go to work.

RainbowMum11 · 03/09/2021 23:51

Any chance of using shared parental leave?

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 23:55

My line manager told me she was speaking to my boss and arranging a promotion just before she found out I was pregnant, it was then officially offered to a colleague

This sounds like a case for discrimination tbh. She actually told you you would have been up for promotion if you hadn’t been pregnant!

Porcupineintherough · 03/09/2021 23:58

Nobody can get it all.

NuffSaidSam · 03/09/2021 23:58

No-one can have it all.

You can choose to have all of one cake. Or a slice or two from different cakes. No-one can have all of all the cakes.

Kite22 · 04/09/2021 00:04

YABU to make this into a 'women' issue.
It is just unfortunate timing for you in this particular circumstance.

It is also your choice to take as long as you are for maternity leave. Lots of people don't. If the step up is important to you, then don't. If that time at home is more important to you, then do. People make choices about jobs all the time. Men included. My dh has been approached to work elsewhere several times over the last 20 - 25 years, and has made choices which take into account that he is a parent and a husband as well as having a career. It is what all adults do - even those that aren't parents have to make decisions about next career stages.

trippingflip · 04/09/2021 00:15

It's been a long time since I've seen so much codswallop.

If it were a "choice", we'd be choosing more convenient times for the babies to be born. They arrive whenever and initially the women (very little choice in the matter) have to recover from the birth and get on with the care.
The length of maternity leave might be a choice but it may not be depending on the child.
The types of career compromises men have to make are fewer and have more controls vis a vis timing.

Watching your career dwindle is part of parenthood but it is especially unfair to mothers especially in some sectors and pretending otherwise perpetuates the problem instead of exposing it to find solutions.

Imcatmum · 04/09/2021 00:21

Hmmm, it doesn't take a year to become functional again. Most mums are up and about and running after their other children within weeks if not days. You could take only long enough for your body to recover. If now is the key moment for your career, your DH should be flexing to support that and taking on more of the new baby parenting than you so you can go after the role. The timing sucks but the opportunity is for you to weigh up.

Pinkchocolate · 04/09/2021 00:23

@MrsRobbieHart you’re probably right but because it was verbal rather than written I didn’t think I’d get anywhere if I made a fuss. I’m not sure whether that was naivety or fear to be honest.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2021 00:38

Is the Dad around? Could you apply to cover his secondment and your partner take shared parental leave after a month?

RJnomore1 · 04/09/2021 00:42

I’ll be honest a 3rd child is a bit of a luxury for anyone.

However if you have a supportive partner you can be back at work 14 days after delivery so yes you can still do it.

It depends how much you want to.

GLTM · 04/09/2021 00:44

Yes I agree with OP.

I'm finding it tricky to get a new job at the end of my maternity leave. A few reasons:

  • I want part time work - and very few part time roles exist in my field and related fields Family friendly organisations that say flexible working is fine still have managers that prefer to manage one rather than two people etc so if you say upfront you want a job share then you're generally at a disadvantage.
  • Time to search for, apply to, and prepare for interviews is non existent in my case. I had an interview last week, we were all ill, I hadn't slept much for a week and didn't even have time to review my application so I was woefully under-prepared.
I know from being in the workplace I'm good at what I do, but things are competitive and things feel stacked against me.