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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think women can't have it all?

240 replies

0Cripes · 03/09/2021 23:30

I'm pregnant with DC3 and due soon. My boss recently announced he was leaving at the end of this month on a 9 month secondment. His role is a natural progression for me and he has been teeing me up for it for 7 years. However, someone will backfill his role and gain experience for 9 months that I won't have a chance to get, therefore when the permanent position comes up (my boss has no intention to return) I'll be at a disadvantage.
If I wasn't going on mat leave I would stand a very good chance getting this role. I am annoyed as I feel I'm now at a disadvantage and my career is suffering because I've chosen to have a child. I appreciate that I still have the opportunity to apply but I'm pretty sure I won't get it knowing I'll be absent for 6 months of it!
I know the timings are nobodies fault but AIBU to be annoyed at this and think it's so hard for women to have kids and a successful career?

OP posts:
IceLace100 · 04/09/2021 00:48

I'd seriously consider arranging shared parental leave (assuming you have a DP).

Info: www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay

I think it's important to remember that you can do anything, but you can't do everything.

Applies here - you can cut short your mat leave and work your arse off for the promotion. OR you can have a lovely long mat leave with your child. Doesn't seem like you can have both. Both options are valid, and it's your choice.

Good luck!

EL8888 · 04/09/2021 00:58

@Iggly oh l know and l wouldn’t be up for it. But it’s an option

MissCruellaDeVil · 04/09/2021 01:05

No one, men or women can have it all. It's become increasingly common in my friendship circles for men to take a step down in career to spend more time with their children. My DH has reduced his hours himself so he can spend more time with us.

Ericaequites · 04/09/2021 01:59

My generation was told we could have it all at once. This meant a lovely home, exciting job, satisfying marriage, with with happy and actual item children. You can have it all, but not at once unless you have great help and lots of luck.

coffy11 · 04/09/2021 02:49

You don't need to take 9 months off work, take a few weeks and go back. I went back 3 weeks after having my third, no issues. Maybe shared parental leave?

Polkadots2021 · 04/09/2021 06:38

@0Cripes

I'm pregnant with DC3 and due soon. My boss recently announced he was leaving at the end of this month on a 9 month secondment. His role is a natural progression for me and he has been teeing me up for it for 7 years. However, someone will backfill his role and gain experience for 9 months that I won't have a chance to get, therefore when the permanent position comes up (my boss has no intention to return) I'll be at a disadvantage. If I wasn't going on mat leave I would stand a very good chance getting this role. I am annoyed as I feel I'm now at a disadvantage and my career is suffering because I've chosen to have a child. I appreciate that I still have the opportunity to apply but I'm pretty sure I won't get it knowing I'll be absent for 6 months of it! I know the timings are nobodies fault but AIBU to be annoyed at this and think it's so hard for women to have kids and a successful career?
You made the (lovely) choice to have 3DC, that comes with consequences like all choices, right? One consequence is that your career will not be the same as if you didn't have kids. It's not unfair, it's just an outcome. I know a partner at a law firm who decided to never have kids so her career would be free to progress without any limits, and she's doing amazingly.

One choice you do have is to take very little mat leave. If you don't want to be out 9 months you don't have to be!

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 04/09/2021 06:52

I think the drift towards having children later has done women no favours.it's a damn site easier to have children in your 20s and then when you get to your 30s start focusing more on your career, than to try to do both at once. Unfair, but pragmatic.

Givemethatknife · 04/09/2021 06:53

Well no one (female or male) gets to have it all - but yes you are facing a disadvantage in this case.

HOWEVER if you really want the gig, the first key thing is tell everyone that needs to know that you want it (women are shocking for not doing this.) put this ambition down in writing. Get your boss to agree to mentor you when you come back. People are aware of discrimination, and they should help you to get a fair shot. Complain to Hr if they aren’t.

Also, could you reduce maternity leave, with shared parental leave ideally, or coming back earlier with extra help.

Givemethatknife · 04/09/2021 06:56

@hollyhocksarenotmessy

I think the drift towards having children later has done women no favours.it's a damn site easier to have children in your 20s and then when you get to your 30s start focusing more on your career, than to try to do both at once. Unfair, but pragmatic.
It often isn’t in practice. In a lot of industries (including the one I work in) it would be hard to get a starter role as a parent in your 30s, partly because you wouldn’t look like the right fit, and partly because it would be hard to do the hours with kids.
User135644 · 04/09/2021 06:58

You can only prioritise.

At the end of the day you're children are for life, a job is a job.

If you don't want kids then it's easier to prioritise work.

Women have made great strides in balancing both (Thatcher became PM despite having several children) but it's going to slow your career down.

mynameiscalypso · 04/09/2021 07:02

I think it's difficult to have two guns-blazing full time working parents and, inevitably, one of them has to step back (unless you outsource everything). It is normally the woman but like a PP, I've seen an increasing number of men do it too. Almost all of my female colleagues who have had babies in the last couple of years have come back after 3 months or so and their DPs have taken the rest of the time. I went the reverse and had a very long maternity leave but I am also stopping at one child, partly because I want to focus on my career now.

That said OP, you should absolutely go for your boss' job. I've known plenty of people get promoted on maternity leave.

HandScreen · 04/09/2021 07:10

I have it all - excellent, very senior job and two wonderful kids. I took 6 months' maternity leave each time, and came back fresh with a new perspective each time, gaining promotions very quickly after each mat leave.

You should take 4-6 months' mat leave - you'll regret it if you take less - then go back. Work might be very happy to give you this position under those circumstances - I would make it work for my staff, if a candidate was the right choice.

HandScreen · 04/09/2021 07:12

I meant to say also: the career perspective you gain from taking a break on mat leave is very helpful, and when you go back - if you are career oriented - you should apply for a job elsewhere that is a step up for your career. It's not rocket science, if this opportunity doesn't work out, find another one elsewhere, you are not tied to this one employer.

CoalCraft · 04/09/2021 07:14

There are trade offs between career and kids. DH is about to go down to four days a week to reduce DD nursery time while I stay at five days. This will obviously limit his career progression a bit. Meanwhile mine will also be limited as I will refuse roles that involve extensive foreign travel. This would be the natural progression for me, but my parents travelled a lot when I was little and it affected quite badly, and I won't do that to DD.

Traditionally it has been women who have taken the hit to their career more to get more time with kids but it doesn't have to be that way. I disagree with pp suggesting a year is required for physical recovery. This may be true in a few cases but usually you can be back in work within a month.

Mybobowler · 04/09/2021 07:17

Honestly finding these comments suggesting you return after a matter of weeks completely bizarre. Are they being facetious? Have any of these posters had children?? The early prenatal period is a point at which mothers and fathers are definitely not equal.

Three weeks PP, I was still bleeding heavily and struggling to establish breastfeeding. My daughter was waking up every 90 minutes and, because of the breastfeeding, I was the one attending to her. Six weeks PP, I developed PND which lasted for the next several months.

Yes, on paper, the OP has a choice about the length of her maternity leave, but in reality, taking an extended period of time off work following the birth of a child is something I would argue that most women need to do. I can't think of a single mother I know who would willingly return to work when her child is a few weeks old.

OP I'm in a very similar position and it feels really frustrating. I will be taking a shorter maternity leave than I did first time (5-6 months) but that's partly due to finances. I've had really open and useful discussions with my seniors about career progression and I'll be returning with a very solid plan to prepare for a promotion in the year after I'm back. It's a bit of a cold comfort after watching my perfect opportunity slip past while I'm pregnant and awaiting maternity leave, but it does at least give me a sense of control over my career! Could you do similar?

Rugsofhonour · 04/09/2021 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

PlanetTeaTime · 04/09/2021 07:21

The people say men face the same thing are simply put, full of bs

Do they hell face the same thing

mynameiscalypso · 04/09/2021 07:24

@Mybobowler

Honestly finding these comments suggesting you return after a matter of weeks completely bizarre. Are they being facetious? Have any of these posters had children?? The early prenatal period is a point at which mothers and fathers are definitely not equal.

Three weeks PP, I was still bleeding heavily and struggling to establish breastfeeding. My daughter was waking up every 90 minutes and, because of the breastfeeding, I was the one attending to her. Six weeks PP, I developed PND which lasted for the next several months.

Yes, on paper, the OP has a choice about the length of her maternity leave, but in reality, taking an extended period of time off work following the birth of a child is something I would argue that most women need to do. I can't think of a single mother I know who would willingly return to work when her child is a few weeks old.

OP I'm in a very similar position and it feels really frustrating. I will be taking a shorter maternity leave than I did first time (5-6 months) but that's partly due to finances. I've had really open and useful discussions with my seniors about career progression and I'll be returning with a very solid plan to prepare for a promotion in the year after I'm back. It's a bit of a cold comfort after watching my perfect opportunity slip past while I'm pregnant and awaiting maternity leave, but it does at least give me a sense of control over my career! Could you do similar?

Plenty of people in other countries go back after a few weeks - 6 weeks is considered a long maternity leave in the US. In the UK, we're lucky enough that we have the ability to have a longer leave and we're used to people have 6/9 months plus but it's not necessarily the norm.
MilkywayMonarch22 · 04/09/2021 07:25

I had something similar while I was on Mat leave with DD. Missed a big opportunity that I would have got if I wasn't on Mat leave.

MargosKaftan · 04/09/2021 07:25

But many woman do return to work after 6 weeks or so. Taking a year off is a very privileged position internationally/historically- and now we can have the other parent take part of that, not just hire a nanny.

Op - if this is something you want, work out if you can make it happen. Would your dp be happy to take a few months off? Could you do a mixtures of wfh and office to mean you are around baby even if someone else is doing the bulk of the care?

Noone can have it all, but men don't get to have it all either, having to return to work after a short break after having dc.

MiddleParking · 04/09/2021 07:26

It sounds like you’re assuming you’re out of the running but haven’t explored it with the relevant people? You have to be noisy about wanting promotions!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 04/09/2021 07:27

I've known a few women 'Have it all'. They had Nannies. Full time, live in. With a Night nanny for the first few months.

Most of us can't afford that though...

Xyzzzzz · 04/09/2021 07:27

I’m in a similar position op but this time I’ve been asked to apply for a role but I’ve been encouraged that Mat leave shouldn’t stop me and what ifs have been discussed etc. Approach your employer and see what they say.

Mum21031608 · 04/09/2021 07:30

The concept of ‘having it all’ varies so much from person to person, as explained well by a previous poster.

Does “having it all” always have to mean it involves a sky rocketing career?

Sadly OP you are in a shitty position. It’s easy for people to say go back to work after two weeks but generally, mothers want stay with their newborns, which is a good thing.

My career has been on hold for the last 8 years whilst I’ve had my two children and made them my priority over work. I missed out on job opportunities and promotions as a result but that was the choice I made. My husband obviously didn’t have to make the same sacrifices and so his career has soared.

Of course women are at a disadvantage. They have to choose between going back to work really soon after childbirth and or being with their newborn which many woman biologically crave.

After 8 years of my career being on pause I have recently started my dream job, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted and something I’ve worked so hard for over the last 5 years.

Job wise I feel like I “have it all” but it’s come at the sacrifice of spending time with my children which I’m really struggling with.

WIS76 · 04/09/2021 07:33

@Thethingswedoforlove

Do you feel the same about men? I get it. But men are increasingly facing the same issues/ conflicts. And that has to be a good thing. Perhaps it is more than individuals can’t have it all? We have to make choices and do our best?
I work in a senior role and this is just not true, men don't take 12 months maternity leave then have 4-5 years of high absence due to childcare issues. With the pandemic many men have struggled to work out of the family home, but that's a different matter.