To contact her sister? Urgent. Not sure what to do.

[Feltedsheep]

Im looking for some advice and it’s quite a specific situation.
I made friends with someone online a couple of years ago, through a mutual support group. We stayed in contact outside of the group and we’ve spoken on the phone and message most days - although we’ve never met and live several hours apart. I count her as a friend but I don’t have any real insight into her life because of the distance. I know her, but I don’t really know her. I feel like we’ve been penpals (email pals?) and our situations have been very similar at times.

However she has gradually become more and more depressed over recent months and has made comments about taking her own life - but it’s hard to judge the tone and how serious she is. If she’s venting or means it.
But I am worried tonight. She’s messaged to say her partner isn’t there and her kids are at her parents’ and she’s asked me to take care of myself and told me it’ll all be alright as well as some stuff about it not mattering when we die if we’ve ever been alive and she’s going to do what she needs to for her children.
It’s not totally out of character but I’m concerned she’s on her own. I have her sister’s name and could contact via fb but I doubt her sister even knows I exist and I don’t want to make things worse or cause trouble. On the other hand I am worried.

I don’t know what to do. It feels like meddling and I’m in a weird situation where I know some things about her but having never met her I don’t know her family or friends or day to day life.
Do I message her sister? Do I leave it? I’ve asked outright if she’s planning on harming herself and she’s said no but then she would say that. She’s told me not to worry and that she’s having an early night.

I don’t want to make things worse for her... but what if she harms herself?

Could you call the police for a welfare check?

I don’t have an address.
I know it’s ridiculous - I’ve got an email address and a phone number and that’s it.
I know her sister’s name and her mum and dad’s names (first and second) but I’ve never had any reason for an address. I have the village and the area and that’s it.

Could you ask the Samaritans?

What would they do? Would they call her?

I’d message her sister. She doesn’t sound well .

I would message

Ring the police with what you have and the sisters name.

Contact her sister. You now her enough and you are worried, and now your sense of embarrassment has kicked in and you are trying to convince yourself you are over reacting.

Can you get your friend on the phone and say that she's worried you? See what she says.

She is still messaging back. I’ve asked her to message me at 9.30 and again at 10.
She says I am overreacting.
There’s just something about the tone that has worried me and she’s on her own.

It’s such a difficult situation. I don’t know what I’d do. Hopefully someone has some better advice.

I guess if you think of the worst possible scenarios of contacting versus not contacting then contacting the sister would be the way to go. Even if there’s nothing to worry about you’ve shown yourself as caring about her. I don’t think I’d think of you as meddling.

@Miniroofbox

Ring the police with what you have and the sisters name.

This is exactly what I’d do if I didn’t have her address.

Ask her outright if she's planning to commit suicide. Send her the phone number of the Samaritans.

I would contact her sister.
You might come off looking a bit silly if she is fine but if she did actually follow through then you would never forgive yourself.

The consequences of under reacting will be far worse for you than over reacting. Contact her sister x

The bit about doing what's right for her children concerns me. It was when I thought that my children would genuinely be better off without me that I attempted suicide.

I have asked her outright. She says no.
But there was all the stuff about ‘take care of yourself’ ‘all that matters is my kids have a decent life, it doesn’t matter about me.’
I mean it’s not entirely unheard of, but she has been particularly down lately and I have been worried. She won’t answer her phone to me, only message.

I wonder if I messaged her sister and just said I was a friend who was concerned and would she just be able to pop round and see if my friend is ok. Nothing more than that. I have to hope she picks up her messages too I suppose. Her parents are on fb too but I’d sooner contact her sister really. And maybe they are even less likely to pick up the messages.
Other option is call police and give her name and her sister’s name and the area.

I would honestly ring the police.

Hi OP. Former Samaritan here. Are you able to ask her outright if she is having any suicidal thoughts?

Yes give the police all you know and ask for a welfare check, try the sister but she might not respond. Really hope it is all ok

Just do something asap. It sounds like she is reaching out for help by those messages tbh.

I am concerned about what she’s said re her house being empty and with her being alone and sounding ‘off’. Feels like planning to me.

I would call the police.

Contact Police, OP.

She’s messaged again saying I’ve been a great friend but I shouldn’t worry, she isn’t worth it.

Yes I'd contact her sister.

She sounds very unwell and needs more support than you can give her online.

The fact she's been open about feeling suicidal suggests she wants people to reach out to her.

The person I knew who threatened suicide didn't actually do so on those occasions when they told people their intentions.

When they did kill them self they made sure they would be beyond help when discovered.

However had those earlier threats been taken more seriously they could have led to much better care and support that potentially could have saved their life.

I'd much rather be over cautious in such situations than face a lifetime of regret that I didn't act.