Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner 'shit at explaining things'

132 replies

COLLIESHANGLES · 28/08/2021 21:11

Her words not mine, this is what she said when I asked her why she is like this.

I adore her, I really do!

And I already suspect I am being unreasonable but wanted opinions.

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything, she does sometimes but not often. She'll engage more when she's had a few wines!

We're long distance too which makes this more prevalent I feel, and she's quite a closed book in many ways. But if she says she wants to go somewhere and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she tells me she likes me in a certain dress and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she is sentimental and I ask her what's made her feel that way 'Just 'cause'.

This is in speech or in text.

We have a stereotypically beautiful mutual friend. Partner told me she feels I am nicer looking than her. I asked why (genuinely intrigued as to what she may say about that) 'you just are'.

'Why do you like doing XYZ?' 'What makes you prefer here to there'
'I just do'.

I want to know more about her and why she has the views she has because I want to get to know her better. It drives me nuts.

Would it you?

OP posts:
Ticklemycarpets · 28/08/2021 21:17

I think that people sometimes don't have the vocabulary or understanding to explain. My partner is the same. I ask how he is and he'll say 'fine' whereas I want to hear his inner most thoughts. I notice that his parents are like this too and just describe somewhere as being 'lovely' rather than giving a description of it. I think he's just not grown up with people talking about their feelings so has never given it any thought of that makes sense.
I've tried to get him to open up more for years to no avail! I think some people are just deeply emotional people and others aren't

AaronStampler · 28/08/2021 21:17

Try asking better questions! It seems your wide-ranging "why" is too open ended for your partner.

Instead of a plain "why do you like it" you could ask "what's your favourite part of it" or "what does it remind you of" or "tell me about a time you came here before" or "do you think there's any time you might prefer X" or whatever. This requires a bit more effort from you, but does also demonstrate you're listening rather than just batting the conversational ball back to her.

Acappuchinoplease · 28/08/2021 21:18

You sound like my dp, he’s constantly questioning everything and it drives me insane. I don’t always want an in depth conversation about the crap programme I’m watching or what made me decide to try a new recipe! Maybe she feels the same

titchy · 28/08/2021 21:18

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything,

She's not you..... ^^ to be honest would drive me as mad as her lack of description drives you. Maybe you're just not compatible. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
COLLIESHANGLES · 28/08/2021 21:20

@Ticklemycarpets

I think that people sometimes don't have the vocabulary or understanding to explain. My partner is the same. I ask how he is and he'll say 'fine' whereas I want to hear his inner most thoughts. I notice that his parents are like this too and just describe somewhere as being 'lovely' rather than giving a description of it. I think he's just not grown up with people talking about their feelings so has never given it any thought of that makes sense. I've tried to get him to open up more for years to no avail! I think some people are just deeply emotional people and others aren't
You may have hit the nail on the head there. I don't know if I'll ever be happy with this really :( and I love her to bits but, it makes me sad to think I'll never have that connection? How do you make peace with it?
OP posts:
Original poster
COLLIESHANGLES · 28/08/2021 21:21

@Acappuchinoplease

You sound like my dp, he’s constantly questioning everything and it drives me insane. I don’t always want an in depth conversation about the crap programme I’m watching or what made me decide to try a new recipe! Maybe she feels the same
She's told me she doesn't mind me asking, but she struggles to answer me.
OP posts:
Original poster
COLLIESHANGLES · 28/08/2021 21:21

@titchy

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything,

She's not you..... ^^ to be honest would drive me as mad as her lack of description drives you. Maybe you're just not compatible. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I am thinking that myself :(
OP posts:
Original poster
COLLIESHANGLES · 28/08/2021 21:22

@AaronStampler

Try asking better questions! It seems your wide-ranging "why" is too open ended for your partner.

Instead of a plain "why do you like it" you could ask "what's your favourite part of it" or "what does it remind you of" or "tell me about a time you came here before" or "do you think there's any time you might prefer X" or whatever. This requires a bit more effort from you, but does also demonstrate you're listening rather than just batting the conversational ball back to her.

True. I have done this sort of thing before. I am not used to people like her I suppose, none of my family or friends are.

Thanks-yes, I will try that!

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 28/08/2021 21:22

Some people don't think through reasons in this way. You need to accept that's how they are.

My husband is something like this. Loves me in this dress. I ask why. He just does. Come on, give me a reason. "I can't give you a reason, I just love the way it looks and it makes me happy you're my wife, what more do you want?"

What more do I want?

SwedishEdith · 28/08/2021 21:23

How long have you been together? This just sounds like hard work for both of you if it's like this most of the time. You're conversationally incompatible.

Original poster
COLLIESHANGLES · 28/08/2021 21:24

@DrSbaitso

Some people don't think through reasons in this way. You need to accept that's how they are.

My husband is something like this. Loves me in this dress. I ask why. He just does. Come on, give me a reason. "I can't give you a reason, I just love the way it looks and it makes me happy you're my wife, what more do you want?"

What more do I want?

If I got that (the latter part) I would be happy!
OP posts:
Original poster
COLLIESHANGLES · 28/08/2021 21:24

@SwedishEdith

How long have you been together? This just sounds like hard work for both of you if it's like this most of the time. You're conversationally incompatible.
About a year. Obviously with long distance and covid I guess it isn't really a year in fairness.
OP posts:
TheChip · 28/08/2021 21:26

It doesn't sound like you are compatible.
I grew extremely bored and frustrated when in a similar relationship. Its not their fault though, it's just a difference in personality. A difference you may or may not be able to handle. I couldnt.
It always felt like they were uninterested and dismissive of what I wanted to talk about.

Try wording things differently as a pp suggested. Hopefully that works.

DrSbaitso · 28/08/2021 21:26

If I got that (the latter part) I would be happy!

Does she not communicate her love and attraction for you? Is that the issue?

As a classic overthinker I do understand this, but some people are just happy with "I like this" and don't need to soul search as to why.

Cherryana · 28/08/2021 21:28

I have this dynamic with my DH. He hates my ‘just because’ answers. It drives me up the wall that he always wants reasons and explainations.

So here is my explanation as it’s multilayered:

  1. I think ‘because I think that, like that etc is enough of a reason. My opinion is enough in itself.
  2. I hate questions - in my family growing up to ask questions was equal with being not trusted.
  3. Due to cock-eyed upbringing where no open and curious conversation was allowed (see above) I am super skilled at ignoring/squashing my feelings and thoughts and don’t really know what I think or feel on the spot. So just because …is a blocked response because I have an instinct but no reason.
Cuddlyrottweiler · 28/08/2021 21:29

Some people aren't good at language. That way that we turn an abstract feeling or thought into words is actually quite insane. And how do you even know that we're calling the same feeling the same word?

GrandmaSteglitszch · 28/08/2021 21:30

Why, why, why - sounds like an annoying toddler.
Asking better questions is a good idea, or commenting rather than asking anything e.g. "I like you in that dress", "Thank you. It's my favourite colour."

Starting conversation about things that are slightly more weighty than your dress or your looks could be good too.

Regularsizedrudy · 28/08/2021 21:32

Your constant ‘whys’ would do my head in and I wouldn’t know what to say either

bluebeck · 28/08/2021 21:32

Tbh she sounds fairly dull.

This does come across as a compatibility issue Sad

Aprilx · 28/08/2021 21:33

You sound exhausting to me, I would be bored and fed up with having to explain every single like or dislike send in some of your examples it sounds like fishing for compliments. I think you and I would not be compatible and I think it is the case with you and her too.

LeonieSims · 28/08/2021 21:36

Hm. Some things can be hard to communicate or pinpoint. Like, she might like you in that dress but can't figure out what part of the dress it is (colour, length, sleeves) that makes you look so good in it (and it's probably a combo anyway).

But, if she says "I don't like winter" but can't explain why, that's a bit odd. Dark days, cold weather, more rain, snow, not festive, doesn't like bulky winter clothes... Really easy to think about.

RamblingJenny · 28/08/2021 21:38

Same situation, you need friends/family who are of a similar nature to fill that void and love your OH for their own special qualities.

LeonieSims · 28/08/2021 21:40

Not sure how OP is fishing for compliments by asking why her partner likes a certain dress on her or why her partner decided she's more attractive than a friend.

Most of her examples seem fairly simple... "How come you prefer X (to holiday in Wales) over y (to holiday in Spain)... Or "Why do you like doing X (horse-riding)? How can you not know why you enjoy a certain activity or place over another Confused

Noroiscoming · 28/08/2021 21:40

Do you really want to know her opinions or do you just want to pick them apart? My ex is like this, will ask my opinion on something just so he can tell me I'm wrong! Or will ask what I think just so he can then tell me what he thinks.

I'm not saying that's what you are doing, but it is something to be mindful of. My ex has adhd so will dominate a conversation with endless monologues disguised as questions. I've learned to grey rock now as giving detailed answers to everything zaps my energy and makes every conversation a chore.

billy1966 · 28/08/2021 21:42

@titchy

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything,

She's not you..... ^^ to be honest would drive me as mad as her lack of description drives you. Maybe you're just not compatible. 🤷‍♀️

You are not compatible and your constant why's would piss me off and bore the arse off me in equal measure.

Asking why constantly is inane and would probably turn some off.

3 year olds constantly ask why, and it is considered by some as a deeply trying stage of their development.

I would cut it out and limit your why's to appropriate rather than random topics.

Good luck.Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread