Partner 'shit at explaining things'

[COLLIESHANGLES]

Her words not mine, this is what she said when I asked her why she is like this.

I adore her, I really do!

And I already suspect I am being unreasonable but wanted opinions.

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything, she does sometimes but not often. She'll engage more when she's had a few wines!

We're long distance too which makes this more prevalent I feel, and she's quite a closed book in many ways. But if she says she wants to go somewhere and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she tells me she likes me in a certain dress and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she is sentimental and I ask her what's made her feel that way 'Just 'cause'.

This is in speech or in text.

We have a stereotypically beautiful mutual friend. Partner told me she feels I am nicer looking than her. I asked why (genuinely intrigued as to what she may say about that) 'you just are'.

'Why do you like doing XYZ?' 'What makes you prefer here to there'
'I just do'.

I want to know more about her and why she has the views she has because I want to get to know her better. It drives me nuts.

Would it you?

@COLLIESHANGLES

I really don't think I'm better than her and I'm sorry if I've come across that way. I hope i dont to her. On the back of this thread we had a conversation. I was afraid she would (as PP said may happen) tire or my asking her opinions and wanting to talk so I told her I was going to try to change it. She responded, 'I don't mind at all, I just find things hard to explain darling'.

Then don't force her to! Accept that she's different, ask her something once and, whatever her answer is, leave it at that.

@PollyValent

You can feel emotions deeply without being wordy.

But how would the rest of the world ever know if all you could manage to say was ‘I just do’ or ‘Dunno’?

It sounds like you're digging for something that just isn't there. The fact she's never chosen to read a book is an indicator of her lack of curiosity, so she won't understand why you want to know so much. It also goes some way to explain why she sometimes struggles to put her thoughts into words.

Take the hint. She's never going to be the scintillating raconteur you'd like her to be.

God she sounds boring. If this is important to you this is a fundamental issue which you should not compromise on, it's driving you nuts after a year and it's not going to get better.

As someone else said, just because she's not abusive, it doesn't make her a good partner.

And with so many mumsnet posts people are determined to misunderstand what you meant and are insisting that you're sitting there go why? Why? Why? Yeah but why though?

Clearly not the case. Anyway I think you need to consider if this is for you in the long term - it certainly wouldn't be for me. Doesn't matter how sociable she is with other people if she can't be interested in talking to you.

But how would the rest of the world ever know if all you could manage to say was ‘I just do’ or ‘Dunno’?

Why do they need to?

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]@Confusedandshaken (sorry can’t quote but is your latest post!) but the sort of your declarations you mentioned that are fake is exactly what the OP’s partner is doing. Just less flowery and wordy. But similar because they’re nice sounding , vague statements. Behaviour can also be faked (until the crucial moment when people show their true colours).

The main issue with two word answers is that it gives no insight. If DP says he doesn’t like a food and he tells me it’s because of his texture - I now know something about him. If he said ‘just because’ - I don’t. It’s a conversation killer and doesn’t make us closer , quite the opposite. It’s very closed.[/quote]
This is definitely the sort of thing I mean. I want to know things about her and I feel shut down, although I 100% know it isn't her intention.

@TheChip

I dont think there is anything wrong with you or her. You just need to find a happy medium where you're both getting what you want from the relationship in terms of conversation. Maybe another friend who you can delve into deeper conversations with would be an option?

What is it that you feel you don't know about her though? After a year you should both know each other fairly well.

Perhaps but there was covid and we're two hours apart. Without those factors I'd have probably spent a lot more time with her and done a lot more different things as a couple so it hasn't been a true year together. I do have friends I can discuss in depth things with definitely, and we do as a group although she doesn't engage much, she seems happy to be a spectator.

@Ibizan

I wonder if she has experienced “anything you say will be taken down and may be used as evidence against you”

I have been in the position of “why do you think that?” Actually meaning “here’s where I start to rubbish what you think”

Could that be the case for you?

I really don't think so, I'd never do that to someone especially someone I care deeply for! I've had it done to me too :(

If we disagree on something I am happy to discuss but I never dismiss (she carried on socialising throughout covid for example but I didn't want to meet up when it wasn't allowed, she respected that, I didn't say anything about her socialising).

@StMarysKettle

God she sounds boring. If this is important to you this is a fundamental issue which you should not compromise on, it's driving you nuts after a year and it's not going to get better.

As someone else said, just because she's not abusive, it doesn't make her a good partner.

And with so many mumsnet posts people are determined to misunderstand what you meant and are insisting that you're sitting there go why? Why? Why? Yeah but why though?

Clearly not the case. Anyway I think you need to consider if this is for you in the long term - it certainly wouldn't be for me. Doesn't matter how sociable she is with other people if she can't be interested in talking to you.

I know, I forgot that on MN people do decide what you mean and if you correct them they don't believe you BUT It's my own fault for the way I worded the OP.

I promise, Mnetters, I definitely do not sit there saying 'Why, Why!? WHY!' to every opinion she gives. It's just hard to exemplify.

I do feel like she's uninterested, that is accurate. :( we just seem to have very different ways.

@fruitsaladyummyummy

I'm like your DP and honestly the more you kept trying to ask me the less I would want to say anything to you in case I was interrogated. I would no longer want to say to you "you look nice" as a passing compliment for fear of "why? What is it that looks nice? What is your favourite part?" In my mind it's a compliment not a conversation.

As for pp mentioning "what are you thinking about?" I do quite often just zone out and not think of anything. For the last 10 minutes I've just had a song stuck in my head and thought I could see a spider out the corner of my eye (I can't). Not everything has to be deep or a fear of articulating. I'm just a bit boring sometimes.

I realised this may be me, hence the message I sent her this morning. I just felt upset that I may be doing that to her.

@PallasStrand

The question is then whether you can see a future with someone who is apparently unable or unwilling to string a sentence together unless she’s drunk or in a group situation, because a sober one-on-one with you merits only a grunt and ‘Dunno, I just do’.

I mean, she sounds horrifying to me — can’t or won’t talk unless drunk, has no interest in the world, has never read a book, appears to have no interiority — but she’s not my girlfriend, and there are clearly things you like about her.

The fact she'll open up when drunk, to me suggests she wants to and feels unable to? In Vino Veritas as they say. Yes I do love a lot of things about her. Maybe there's hope. She's not 'shy' in the sense she'll be sociable with people she doesn't know, she'll stand up for me in situations (there was one of such last weekend) she's not a pushover, but shyness with me is a factor.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

My husband does this. He doesnt like a jumper, I ask why, he says he just doesn't and cant tell me if it's the style, the fit, the colour etc. He doesnt like a meal but cant tell me if it's the flavour, if it's been over cooked, too bland, the texture etc. Its frustrating because I dont know whether to make it again and try and change something. But I can explain why, and I don't want to talk and talk and talk, so I don't think the two things are connected

Yes this thread has made me realise there are more than one factor to this issue I have. That does sound annoying!

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Having read about your relationship history, clearly you have had a history of very difficult and abusive relationships. I don't know if the Freedom programme is relevant to men/women (I don't know if you yourself are a man or woman) but lots on here swear by it.

I don't think your current partner sounds at all abusive by the way, but more that you seem to be judging them as great because they are not abusive. Not being abusive, horrid or difficult is the absolute minimum standard you need in a relationship, and in and of itself I wouldn't say is enough- a kind person is nice, but lots of people are kind. It's fine to want more- like someone you can chat with, get to know what they like and have a stronger bond with. I think your prior experiences have made you feel like this is the best you can get somehow, unless there's some very strong other connection with this person you aren't really explaining (e.g. physical, emotional).

I mean not knowing what food they would like as they can't speak up is beyond simply not wanting to answer persistent questions, it's extremely shy/unable to communicate. That would be beyond what I could cope with myself anyway, I want someone who can at the very least let me know what they like and what they'd like to do, even if they don't want to enter in long conversations about their reasoning.

Aside from my sociology I am a therapist and I recommend the Freedom Programme myself-it seems to be so helpful for so many. However it wasn't helpful to me, personally. I am not sure why-I didn't feel like the type of abuse I suffered fitted into their remit, I actually felt a bit worse about things so perhaps I wasn't ready? But also it's very heteronormative. I understand it absolutely needs to be heterosexually focused, completely. But it just wasn't for me unfortunately.

Thank you for your reply :)

Hmm quite out there but after rethinking - maybe she’s just shy around you because she really likes you lots. I’m tongue tied around hot guys (and now DP… at first :) )
Wine does make people more relaxed

I don’t know what you can do about it

@TractorAndHeadphones

Hmm quite out there but after rethinking - maybe she’s just shy around you because she really likes you lots. I’m tongue tied around hot guys (and now DP… at first :) ) Wine does make people more relaxed

I don’t know what you can do about it

She is definitely shy in the bedroom. A knobhead man was pestering me in the pub last week though and she went and sought him out to tell him to leave me alone, not the actions of someone shy really. And she'll talk to anyone if we're out and about. I have learnt more about her in this thread than I have from her

Op you sound great honestly. What is she like if you're discussing one of her interests?

@StMarysKettle

Op you sound great honestly. What is she like if you're discussing one of her interests?

I don't think many other responders agree but thank you :)

She does discuss a little more there. When I've asked her about things she is into that I don't know much about, I have to be very purposefully asking those if you will. She won't naturally develop into conversation. She is very lovely and this thread is making me miss her fondly and hope it isn't just a thing I've to draw a line under.

Some others have commented on your abusive relationship history. I think it may be relevant but not in the way they suggest.

Was any of the abuse you have suffered of the mental/emotional type - 'rules' you only found out by breaking, offence constantly being taken, sulking, witholding, the silent treatment?

If so I'm wondering if your partner's passivity/silence makes you anxious she is unhappy/angry, and are trying to get a clearer picture of her likes and needs to avoid "messing up"? It is hard to relax and trust when your love has been abused, when what is said was never what was meant, when you've walked on eggshells. Do you feel like this could be at play at all?

Gv

@Draineddraineddrained

Some others have commented on your abusive relationship history. I think it may be relevant but not in the way they suggest.

Was any of the abuse you have suffered of the mental/emotional type - 'rules' you only found out by breaking, offence constantly being taken, sulking, witholding, the silent treatment?

If so I'm wondering if your partner's passivity/silence makes you anxious she is unhappy/angry, and are trying to get a clearer picture of her likes and needs to avoid "messing up"? It is hard to relax and trust when your love has been abused, when what is said was never what was meant, when you've walked on eggshells. Do you feel like this could be at play at all?

Oh most definitely. I've had therapy because when we first got together, I was always asking was she okay, had I done something wrong etc. You're quite the perceptive. I guess it makes me feel insecure?

@collieshangles

Same same! I am a bit f'd up for one reason or another, and the people pleasing urge is strong! With quiet/easygoing types it can feel impossible to "win" by getting everything"right" (as they have no strong preference!) and you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@collieshangles

Same same! I am a bit f'd up for one reason or another, and the people pleasing urge is strong! With quiet/easygoing types it can feel impossible to "win" by getting everything"right" (as they have no strong preference!) and you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.[/quote]
Definitely. It's quite scary when I think about it. My partner is very patient with me..I hope we can get through this issue one way or another. She is a very slow mover so maybe eventually...

She has a different style of communication, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with it. I am a conversationalist too, but some of your questions are so… odd. Why would I have to describe what I like about a dress or why I want to go somewhere? It seems like because I do seems like a sufficient enough answer. I mean, I could put on my own darn outfit and I couldn’t even tell you why I like it. Dunno, just looks nice? I think you’re digging for gold where there’s no gold to be found, and treating her like it’s about her convo skills. Let her be. Or try asking different questions. More specific ones, and maybe give some options. Instead of saying something like “why do you like mountain biking?” or “why do you like this outfit?” try asking— “do you like mountain biking more because of the scenery or the exercise?” or “do you like the color most or this v-neck top?” But really maybe cool it with the questions in general. Maybe she’s not as responsive as you’d like because all of these questions sound fairly low stakes and honestly pretty dull. When I get into a deep conversation, it’s usually, you know… actually deep.

Sounds like you are interrogating her!
She likely just shuts down and feels her answers wouldn’t be good enough anyway