Partner 'shit at explaining things'

[COLLIESHANGLES]

Her words not mine, this is what she said when I asked her why she is like this.

I adore her, I really do!

And I already suspect I am being unreasonable but wanted opinions.

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything, she does sometimes but not often. She'll engage more when she's had a few wines!

We're long distance too which makes this more prevalent I feel, and she's quite a closed book in many ways. But if she says she wants to go somewhere and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she tells me she likes me in a certain dress and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she is sentimental and I ask her what's made her feel that way 'Just 'cause'.

This is in speech or in text.

We have a stereotypically beautiful mutual friend. Partner told me she feels I am nicer looking than her. I asked why (genuinely intrigued as to what she may say about that) 'you just are'.

'Why do you like doing XYZ?' 'What makes you prefer here to there'
'I just do'.

I want to know more about her and why she has the views she has because I want to get to know her better. It drives me nuts.

Would it you?

You mention for example not wanting to choose somewhere to eat in case she doesn’t like it - but what if she’s genuinely easy-going and doesn’t mind? I feel like that, I can hardly think of anywhere someone could take me that I’d hate - I mean it might turn out the be shit when you get there but that’s always a risk. I like every sort of food and am happy at a street food stand or a fancy restaurant. If I say I don’t mind where we go I honestly don’t mind! Same with days out etc. Of course there are places I like but I can usually find something to enjoy no matter where we go. So if I’m with someone else with strong opinions, why not let them choose? I’m equally happy either way.

You an destroy the moment by explaining it away.

gawd it must be like a CONSTANT assessment for your girlfriend. I'd clam up too if subjected to such intense cross examination.

She's obviously not comfortable with your confrontational style so why keep at her? You need to accept her compliments with good grace and thanks only and I am certain she'd open up more and offer explanations as time goes on.

Also as other posters have said, this "why why why" track does not show you as an interesting conversationalist, more like a tedious three year old on the verge of a tantrum.

I don't really understand - you claim to really like this woman but you don't seem to like much about her? You are dismissive of the fact that she's not interested in current affairs, doesn't read etc. I don't really understand why you're together if you have nothing in common. Personally, I read a lot but hate discussing what I'm reading. DH reads a lot of non fiction and I hate discussing what he reads. So someone who doesn't read is fine for me. but if you need those discussions, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with a person who doesn't read.

I'm married to someone who behaves like you when he is drunk.
On and on and on and on and bloody on. He talks for HOURS! At me, not to me. It has driven me to tears more than once.
So I have a huge amount of sympathy for your partner because at least I only have to deal with it when he's been drinking. I'd leave him if he was like it all the time.
Stop interrogating her. Stop wanting every conversation to be an in depth analysis of every. Little. Thing.

Maybe you are just not compatible.

@Gallowayan

You an destroy the moment by explaining it away.

Really good point.

I used to be called 'superficial' by people who couldn't comprehend that people are different, think in different ways, enjoy different things. I am like your DP and the probing questions would drive me batty. I would also probably avoid opening new lines of conversation to avoid what would feel to me like interrogation.

I don't read, I don't seem to have the patience for it. I hate audio books and podcasts for the same reason. Films have to engage me instantly and not require too much thought. I have realised that I just want to be entertained and anything more than 'lighthearted' is not for me.

I understand that some people would describe me as shallow but that in itself is a very shallow view of me. I have deep thoughts, my mind is constantly active, I just don't want to talk about it.

I agree with PP that you're not compatible. Your posts also seem to have the slant that you're in some way better than her because of your open ability to 'think deeply'. I'm sure she can think deeply when she wants, she just doesn't want to about every tiny little scenario or thing.

Have you ever had the opinion that your partner has 'no hidden depth'?

Stop asking her 'why', that's the kind of thing a child does.

I must clarify I don't say 'why?' As just one word. I question things but not in that monosyllabic way. I have this image of me as a 3 year old now :) I just didn't want a really long OP and couldn't remember exactly how I'd worded questions but I see it was clumsy of me to word it the way I did.

@pinkflask

You mention for example not wanting to choose somewhere to eat in case she doesn’t like it - but what if she’s genuinely easy-going and doesn’t mind? I feel like that, I can hardly think of anywhere someone could take me that I’d hate - I mean it might turn out the be shit when you get there but that’s always a risk. I like every sort of food and am happy at a street food stand or a fancy restaurant. If I say I don’t mind where we go I honestly don’t mind! Same with days out etc. Of course there are places I like but I can usually find something to enjoy no matter where we go. So if I’m with someone else with strong opinions, why not let them choose? I’m equally happy either way.

I understand that. She is very fussy with food though, and I very nearly booked somewhere for her birthday without asking first, but decided to in the end and it turned out she wouldn't have liked it, so I'm glad I did question that. I'm like you, I genuinely am happy if I'm with her as long as it isn't say, McDonald's for a nice evening out or similar.

@TiredButDancing

I don't really understand - you claim to really like this woman but you don't seem to like much about her? You are dismissive of the fact that she's not interested in current affairs, doesn't read etc. I don't really understand why you're together if you have nothing in common. Personally, I read a lot but hate discussing what I'm reading. DH reads a lot of non fiction and I hate discussing what he reads. So someone who doesn't read is fine for me. but if you need those discussions, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with a person who doesn't read.

Where have I been dismissive?I'll read through again but I think a poster suggested something about reading and I replied clarifying that she doesn't read.

@DrFoxtrot

Have you ever had the opinion that your partner has 'no hidden depth'?

What do you mean by no hidden depth? I don't think I have

@DrFoxtrot

I used to be called 'superficial' by people who couldn't comprehend that people are different, think in different ways, enjoy different things. I am like your DP and the probing questions would drive me batty. I would also probably avoid opening new lines of conversation to avoid what would feel to me like interrogation.

I don't read, I don't seem to have the patience for it. I hate audio books and podcasts for the same reason. Films have to engage me instantly and not require too much thought. I have realised that I just want to be entertained and anything more than 'lighthearted' is not for me.

I understand that some people would describe me as shallow but that in itself is a very shallow view of me. I have deep thoughts, my mind is constantly active, I just don't want to talk about it.

I agree with PP that you're not compatible. Your posts also seem to have the slant that you're in some way better than her because of your open ability to 'think deeply'. I'm sure she can think deeply when she wants, she just doesn't want to about every tiny little scenario or thing.

I'm definitely the opposite to her with films but the other way, she can be engaged immediately with a film whereas it takes me ages to get into one, but I do try and will always watch something with her if she wants me to.

I really don't think I'm better than her and I'm sorry if I've come across that way. I hope i dont to her.
On the back of this thread we had a conversation. I was afraid she would (as PP said may happen) tire or my asking her opinions and wanting to talk so I told her I was going to try to change it. She responded,
'I don't mind at all, I just find things hard to explain darling'.

I dont think there is anything wrong with you or her. You just need to find a happy medium where you're both getting what you want from the relationship in terms of conversation.
Maybe another friend who you can delve into deeper conversations with would be an option?

What is it that you feel you don't know about her though? After a year you should both know each other fairly well.

Having read about your relationship history, clearly you have had a history of very difficult and abusive relationships. I don't know if the Freedom programme is relevant to men/women (I don't know if you yourself are a man or woman) but lots on here swear by it.

I don't think your current partner sounds at all abusive by the way, but more that you seem to be judging them as great because they are not abusive. Not being abusive, horrid or difficult is the absolute minimum standard you need in a relationship, and in and of itself I wouldn't say is enough- a kind person is nice, but lots of people are kind. It's fine to want more- like someone you can chat with, get to know what they like and have a stronger bond with. I think your prior experiences have made you feel like this is the best you can get somehow, unless there's some very strong other connection with this person you aren't really explaining (e.g. physical, emotional).

I mean not knowing what food they would like as they can't speak up is beyond simply not wanting to answer persistent questions, it's extremely shy/unable to communicate. That would be beyond what I could cope with myself anyway, I want someone who can at the very least let me know what they like and what they'd like to do, even if they don't want to enter in long conversations about their reasoning.

Blimey, one of you would drive me mad, and it wouldn't be your partner.

Even with the later insistence that you don't keep saying "Why?" like a 3 yr old, the whole questioning of everything I said would drive me spare.
I totally agree with this : honestly the more you kept trying to ask me the less I would want to say anything to you in case I was interrogated. I would no longer want to say to you "you look nice" as a passing compliment for fear of "why? What is it that looks nice? What is your favourite part?" In my mind it's a compliment not a conversation.

I'm a person that likes to chat. I love nothing more than a good night at the pub putting the world to rights, but I don't want every thought that comes out of my head dissected. Maybe if we are talking world politics, then asking me to explain a remark further is fine, but if I've told someone they look nice, the response I'd expect is either "Thanks" or "Thanks, I wasn't sure about this colour, I've not worn it before" or similar, not "Why do you think I look nice?"

Given your history - you seem to have fallen into the trap of dating someone ‘nice and kind’ whom you’re not compatible with.
Conversation is the foundation of any relationship. My closest friends are people whom I get on with, my natural style of conversation suits them. None of us have to ‘adapt’, ‘hold back’ or anything . We’re just us.
Ultimately people make compromises. Maybe you’re scared of not finding a compatible partner and don’t want to be lonely.
But you’re not on the same level conversationally resentment will grow. You can be your whole self with the one person you’re supposed to be able to. You will be settling, and you will eventually realise it.
I’m like you in and dated many people like your partner. None lasted no matter how well they treated me. Something was missing, I could put it up with it for a short while but when I went on long walks alone with them the conversation stalled.

If you cannot spend several hours alone with the person you love, talking effortlessly - they’re not the right one for you. Do yourself a favour and move on. Or accept that you’re settling.

• can’t be your whole self

You can feel emotions deeply without being wordy.

Also to add - nothing is wrong with either you or her. You’re not compatible. Some people here have posted that your questions would drive them batty. But I would love them and give you lengthy answers! Some people call it an ‘interrogation’, I call it conversation :)

So this is very very personal. There’s no right or wrong. You have to be guided by how natural it feels. How much do you feellike you’re holding back. But please don’t change too much or force her to change because one day you will meet someone compatible and réélise what you’re missing. And it would get messy

@COLLIESHANGLES

Chip that's unfortunately how I am feeling at the moment. But she insists she adores me! And she does act like she does when we're together.

I'm a retired psychotherapist and I used to do a lot of couples work. Words are cheap. I'd often see couples where one partner would talk a good game about how much they idolised their partner, that the other one was their world, they would die for them etc etc whilst treating them very badly. The other partner would tolerate the bad behaviour because they believed their partners words.

How someone behaves is just as important as what they say. Trust your partner - if she says she loves you and likes your dress and her actions support that then that should be enough. She doesn't have to prove it by adding more words!

@Regularsizedrudy

Your constant ‘whys’ would do my head in and I wouldn’t know what to say either

Yes! Would drive me crazy too. My toddler’s were like that when they first started talking. Never stopped asking questions! Luckily they’ve grown out of it. I’m so glad DH and I have a connection without him questioning me on every little thing because honestly I think it might be a deal breaker.

@Confusedandshaken (sorry can’t quote but is your latest post!) but the sort of your declarations you mentioned that are fake is exactly what the OP’s partner is doing. Just less flowery and wordy. But similar because they’re nice sounding , vague statements. Behaviour can also be faked (until the crucial moment when people show their true colours).

The main issue with two word answers is that it gives no insight. If DP says he doesn’t like a food and he tells me it’s because of his texture - I now know something about him. If he said ‘just because’ - I don’t. It’s a conversation killer and doesn’t make us closer , quite the opposite. It’s very closed.