Partner 'shit at explaining things'

[COLLIESHANGLES]

Her words not mine, this is what she said when I asked her why she is like this.

I adore her, I really do!

And I already suspect I am being unreasonable but wanted opinions.

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything, she does sometimes but not often. She'll engage more when she's had a few wines!

We're long distance too which makes this more prevalent I feel, and she's quite a closed book in many ways. But if she says she wants to go somewhere and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she tells me she likes me in a certain dress and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she is sentimental and I ask her what's made her feel that way 'Just 'cause'.

This is in speech or in text.

We have a stereotypically beautiful mutual friend. Partner told me she feels I am nicer looking than her. I asked why (genuinely intrigued as to what she may say about that) 'you just are'.

'Why do you like doing XYZ?' 'What makes you prefer here to there'
'I just do'.

I want to know more about her and why she has the views she has because I want to get to know her better. It drives me nuts.

Would it you?

I have never in 40 years, asked my dh why he likes something. I don’t think he’s ever asked me. We ask about preferences. We might say “I like that material or style, colour or flavour” we just accept that that’s what we like. It doesn’t need to be analysed.

You are like my dp, except has just accepted this is how I am.

To try and explain where I am coming from this is my example.

I find dp Incredibly attractive, like when he walks into a crowded room my stomach jumps, sexy. I can't pin point what it is though.

When he asks why, I can't say exactly what it is. He is tall, but I don't don't find all tall men sexy. He has dark hair and dark eyes and olive skin again, I don't fancy all men with those features.

He isn't classically, model like handsome. But I think he is gorgeous. I even find his walk sexy. But he just walks. He finds it a bit embarrassing and me saying 'the way you walk is sexy' makes him self conscious. Something about him, to me, is really sexy. But I couldn't narrow it down to exact things. Him, as whole, is very very sexy. And to be fair, I am not bothered about spending time disecting it. I just do.

He can't see it, so wanted to know why. But now just accepts, that I think he is sexy and his happy with that.

I'm a chatty Cathy but someone wanting evidence for every trivial view I have would be incredibly tiresome! So no, in answer to your question your DP wouldn't drive me nuts I but I think you might

Also op, why son asks 'why' all the time. It really drives me potty.

Some people don't mind it. But for people who aren't bothered by over analysing something, the constant 'why' becomes old very fast.

I agree with pp , your constant "whys" would drive me utterly insane. 3 year olds ask why all the time.

Op, don't take this the wrong way but you sound exhausting. You want to analyse and go into intense detail about why she likes a particular dress on you?! You say you could talk about anything for hours.... I'm guessing that includes why you find someone attractive?

I'd rather rip out my own fingernails with a hot poker.

DH and I can spend hours talking about big things - we have an ongoing discussion about racism and sexism for example - but quite honestly a conversation about a nice dress or finding someone attractive would never take more than about 30 seconds.

Surely the OP is only asking 'why' though as usually people volunteer information more readily. I just think either you are conversationally compatible or you are not. I do know someone who has a very monosyllabic husband, she dreads going on holiday with him, but they get on very well as a family and seem to work well as parents together. I think it depends how strong everything else is, personally this would be my idea of hell as I like to have lots of conversations, not all the time and not about everything, but the inability to have even one every now and again just wouldn't be enough for me.

@GrandmaSteglitszch

Why, why, why - sounds like an annoying toddler. Asking better questions is a good idea, or commenting rather than asking anything e.g. "I like you in that dress", "Thank you. It's my favourite colour."

Starting conversation about things that are slightly more weighty than your dress or your looks could be good too.

I definitely do do that, but she's even more dismissive then so I stick to the simpler things mostly.

@TiredButDancing

Op, don't take this the wrong way but you sound exhausting. You want to analyse and go into intense detail about why she likes a particular dress on you?! You say you could talk about anything for hours.... I'm guessing that includes why you find someone attractive?

I'd rather rip out my own fingernails with a hot poker.

DH and I can spend hours talking about big things - we have an ongoing discussion about racism and sexism for example - but quite honestly a conversation about a nice dress or finding someone attractive would never take more than about 30 seconds.

She literally will not speak about anything like that at all. Not for more than a few words anyway.

I'm a sociologist, I guess it comes with the territory that the world and its issues fascinate (as well as infuriate) me, but she's only concerned with the things that affect her directly, I suppose. It's not about a dress or anything else, It's just, I suppose the only time I've a chance of getting a snippet out of her.

I have probably made myself sound worse. I don't ask 'why' constantly as a monosyllabic question. I just want more depth from her I suppose, I want to know her better, and it isn't going to happen, I am realising.

Is she into the relationship as much as you are? Wanting to get to know each other is a pretty normal and exciting thing in relationships. It doesn't seem to be the case with this one though as she blocks it.

I'm a sociologist, I guess it comes with the territory that the world and its issues fascinate (as well as infuriate) me, but she's only concerned with the things that affect her directly, I suppose.

Your examples were all petty. This suggests that it's about everything. n which case, you're not compatible.

She sounds completely inarticulate and/or has no capacity for self-analysis — I couldn’t be around that, it would be like living with a pet animal. Or is she prepared to talk about other things, just not her own opinions and preferences? Can you talk about books or current affairs or anything else together?

Chip that's unfortunately how I am feeling at the moment. But she insists she adores me! And she does act like she does when we're together.

I love long and deep conversations but over time realised that a lot of people just see this as waffling. However, if you find a like mind then it's all gravy.

I actually recently started a new job where I have to travel longish distances with colleagues. In my first feedback session my boss said "all the feedback is positive. However, Sarah did mention that you talk a lot. Just be sure you let the clients get a word in!"

I was kicking myself a bit because I usually hold back a bit but 'Sarah' wasn't the best conversationalist so I felt I had to make the effort. However, very next day I was out with another guy and we hit it off straight away. I'd already told myslef to hold back a bit but we spent the whole journey talking and having a laugh. He talked even more than me!

I think you are being a little disingenuous.

It's not 'deep' to ask someone why they like a certain dress on you. I can see you might want detail sometimes - you might ask a friend, ok, you say it looks good but why? And you'd hope they'd have useful pointers, like the colour really suits you. And if they knew you well and were honest they might be able to say, ok, this really shows off your bum, or, I know you hate your boobs but honestly they look really perky in this.

I would not necessarily want that from a new partner. And maybe your partner doesn't feel it is very romantic either. You've been together a year - give it time before you expect her to be plucking the rogue black chin hair you don't notice!

Btw, I have a couple of friends who're sociologists. Either I don't understand their work, or you're using that as a bit of an excuse!

You sound like hard work, she’s probably not really interested in why you like something, just that you do. It’s all just navel gazing really, isn’t it?

What does she do for work? If she works in a loud noisy chatty type environment she may want to switch off at home.

It makes a huge impact on family conversations.

It drives me nuts.

You’d drive me nuts. You just do.

Could it be a lack of confidence, I clammed up with an ex who picked apart everything I said. It took me a long time in my new relationship to relax and express myself.
It could also be a speech and language processing disorder where she has to work very hard to organise her thoughts and put them into words. We have a heap of that in the family and have to be very patient with each other.

@BluebellsGreenbells

What does she do for work? If she works in a loud noisy chatty type environment she may want to switch off at home.

It makes a huge impact on family conversations.

She's a night security guard. Very quiet.

@ChaneySays

I love long and deep conversations but over time realised that a lot of people just see this as waffling. However, if you find a like mind then it's all gravy.

I actually recently started a new job where I have to travel longish distances with colleagues. In my first feedback session my boss said "all the feedback is positive. However, Sarah did mention that you talk a lot. Just be sure you let the clients get a word in!"

I was kicking myself a bit because I usually hold back a bit but 'Sarah' wasn't the best conversationalist so I felt I had to make the effort. However, very next day I was out with another guy and we hit it off straight away. I'd already told myslef to hold back a bit but we spent the whole journey talking and having a laugh. He talked even more than me!

Glad you found someone compatible!

I don't actually talk a lot. I just like to get to know her and I can't seem to get a scrap out of her about anything. I guess she's just a person of very few words.

@SarahAndQuack

I think you are being a little disingenuous.

It's not 'deep' to ask someone why they like a certain dress on you. I can see you might want detail sometimes - you might ask a friend, ok, you say it looks good but why? And you'd hope they'd have useful pointers, like the colour really suits you. And if they knew you well and were honest they might be able to say, ok, this really shows off your bum, or, I know you hate your boobs but honestly they look really perky in this.

I would not necessarily want that from a new partner. And maybe your partner doesn't feel it is very romantic either. You've been together a year - give it time before you expect her to be plucking the rogue black chin hair you don't notice!

Btw, I have a couple of friends who're sociologists. Either I don't understand their work, or you're using that as a bit of an excuse!

I know it isn't, I meant that as separate to my liking deep conversations (I've no chance of getting one from my partner) but I just clutch at straws in trying to get her to speak about anything she likes I guess.

I mentioned sociology because I am interested in world issues, in people, in things that go on?

I was reading something about a current issue once recently and mentioned it and she'd never heard of it.. That sort of thing is what I mean.

@Velvetbee

Could it be a lack of confidence, I clammed up with an ex who picked apart everything I said. It took me a long time in my new relationship to relax and express myself. It could also be a speech and language processing disorder where she has to work very hard to organise her thoughts and put them into words. We have a heap of that in the family and have to be very patient with each other.

She is confident with everything except me it seems. You may have a point with that.

In my relationship OP, I'm you and my DP is your partner. He is a PhD in an arts subject so by no means incapable of complex thought or of stringing a few words together/analysing an idea. So for years it has perplexed me that we struggle so hard to have meaningful conversations (please don't everyone go on at me about why be with someone you're not compatible with, we have two children and it is what it is). I have two theories about why he is so reluctant to articulate his own thoughts and feelings.

1. he is insecure and doesn't feel comfortable exposing his thoughts/feelings to potential scrutiny. I know when we were first together he felt very threatened by our differing levels of life experience. That was 15 years ago now and circs have levelled up considerably since then (I used to be quite impressive, after a strangely lacklustre careee trajectory, two children and a mental health breakdown I am now basically a hobbit). But habits form I suppose. This boils down to "he doesn't trust me not to piss all over him so won't give me the chance". Which is pretty depressing.

2. he genuinely just doesn't have the same level of interiority as me, or emotional articulation. That when I ask what he's thinking about and he says "nothing", it genuinely really was nothing, not just "nothing important" or "nothing I want to share" - just a waiting blankness. I find that impossible to imagine. There's a saying "how do I know what I think until I hear what I'm going to say?", and that's true for me - there is very little gap between the thought/feeling and the fully articulated expression of that for me, I figure out whattt I'm feeling by putting it into words in my head, very quickly. I can't imagine not being like that. But I have to accept that it's possible others are not. I just find it very weird!

Either way agree you're not compatible. Find someone you can talk the night away with.