Partner 'shit at explaining things'

[COLLIESHANGLES]

Her words not mine, this is what she said when I asked her why she is like this.

I adore her, I really do!

And I already suspect I am being unreasonable but wanted opinions.

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything, she does sometimes but not often. She'll engage more when she's had a few wines!

We're long distance too which makes this more prevalent I feel, and she's quite a closed book in many ways. But if she says she wants to go somewhere and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she tells me she likes me in a certain dress and I ask why 'I just do'.

If she is sentimental and I ask her what's made her feel that way 'Just 'cause'.

This is in speech or in text.

We have a stereotypically beautiful mutual friend. Partner told me she feels I am nicer looking than her. I asked why (genuinely intrigued as to what she may say about that) 'you just are'.

'Why do you like doing XYZ?' 'What makes you prefer here to there'
'I just do'.

I want to know more about her and why she has the views she has because I want to get to know her better. It drives me nuts.

Would it you?

Why do you like her? Is it just physical?

I don't think there's anything wrong it wanting a chatty partner, or in wanting someone who is always on top of the news. But you're not quite spitting out what you mean, are you? You say you want someone for deep conversation (but you describe shallow topics). You say you want to be able to talk, but then you say the problem is she hadn't heard of the subject you fancied discussing.

I like to talk, I will talk about anything for hours. I like to talk quite deeply about everything

I'm in the you'd drive me batty camp. My experience with people like the description above is that they think "deep" conversations make them sound intelligent. In all honesty it doesn't. It's boring and tedious.

Some things just are. I love the colour red. Why? I just do.

I can talk the leg off a chair and can have enjoyable detailed conversations when the topic is of interest to me. Asking me why I prefer something really needs no more of a response than I do.

My DP is like you. I find the constant questions exhausting. I sometimes don't say things that I want to say as I know it will lead to more questions.

I'm not articulating it well I agree. I just want to know her better I think?

@SarahAndQuack

Why do you like her? Is it just physical?

I don't think there's anything wrong it wanting a chatty partner, or in wanting someone who is always on top of the news. But you're not quite spitting out what you mean, are you? You say you want someone for deep conversation (but you describe shallow topics). You say you want to be able to talk, but then you say the problem is she hadn't heard of the subject you fancied discussing.

Physically yes, but also because she's very kind and caring and sociable. All my previous partners have been awful, some of them abusive including the most recent one (still in physio for my injuries, just to illustrate the level) so I was thrilled to meet someone 3 years later who is loving and sweet. I'm feeling very sad now that maybe we just aren't compatible with one another. :( I should have explained better yes (I'm working at the moment) but deep conversations are just a no go so, I've illustrated my point with ones we actually have had. It comes into me perhaps wanting to plan a day out for us or such and not being able to because I dont know what she may like or dislike, wanting to do things she may like and not knowing where to begin, even with the dress thing, if she's taking me out ie prefer not to wear something she hates. If that makes sense.

@Draineddraineddrained

In my relationship OP, I'm you and my DP is your partner. He is a PhD in an arts subject so by no means incapable of complex thought or of stringing a few words together/analysing an idea. So for years it has perplexed me that we struggle so hard to have meaningful conversations (please don't everyone go on at me about why be with someone you're not compatible with, we have two children and it is what it is). I have two theories about why he is so reluctant to articulate his own thoughts and feelings.

1. he is insecure and doesn't feel comfortable exposing his thoughts/feelings to potential scrutiny. I know when we were first together he felt very threatened by our differing levels of life experience. That was 15 years ago now and circs have levelled up considerably since then (I used to be quite impressive, after a strangely lacklustre careee trajectory, two children and a mental health breakdown I am now basically a hobbit). But habits form I suppose. This boils down to "he doesn't trust me not to piss all over him so won't give me the chance". Which is pretty depressing.

2. he genuinely just doesn't have the same level of interiority as me, or emotional articulation. That when I ask what he's thinking about and he says "nothing", it genuinely really was nothing, not just "nothing important" or "nothing I want to share" - just a waiting blankness. I find that impossible to imagine. There's a saying "how do I know what I think until I hear what I'm going to say?", and that's true for me - there is very little gap between the thought/feeling and the fully articulated expression of that for me, I figure out whattt I'm feeling by putting it into words in my head, very quickly. I can't imagine not being like that. But I have to accept that it's possible others are not. I just find it very weird!

Either way agree you're not compatible. Find someone you can talk the night away with.

That is interesting, thank you for the detailed reply. I'll reply properly to that as soon as I can.

OP, you've mentioned several times that you just want to get to know her. This IS her. She is someone who doesn't go in for huge amounts of conversation, doesn't love endless questions, sometimes just likes stuff because she likes it. It comes across to me that you think there's some secret other version of her that you can unlock if you just talk at her enough but she is already showing you who she is.
You sound similar to my Dad is some ways. He's a very intelligent, very interesting man but who I struggle to have those intense conversations with because of the relentless questions, all of which I often sense he has an unspoken correct answer in mind for. He never seems satisfied if my response to something is I don't know, or I just do and it puts me off engaging further.

To be completely honest OP, you sound a little hard work. I'd find being questioned like that a little bit much.... and probs quite annoying.

Yes, I guess I will have to stop.

@Draineddraineddrained

In my relationship OP, I'm you and my DP is your partner. He is a PhD in an arts subject so by no means incapable of complex thought or of stringing a few words together/analysing an idea. So for years it has perplexed me that we struggle so hard to have meaningful conversations (please don't everyone go on at me about why be with someone you're not compatible with, we have two children and it is what it is). I have two theories about why he is so reluctant to articulate his own thoughts and feelings.

1. he is insecure and doesn't feel comfortable exposing his thoughts/feelings to potential scrutiny. I know when we were first together he felt very threatened by our differing levels of life experience. That was 15 years ago now and circs have levelled up considerably since then (I used to be quite impressive, after a strangely lacklustre careee trajectory, two children and a mental health breakdown I am now basically a hobbit). But habits form I suppose. This boils down to "he doesn't trust me not to piss all over him so won't give me the chance". Which is pretty depressing.

2. he genuinely just doesn't have the same level of interiority as me, or emotional articulation. That when I ask what he's thinking about and he says "nothing", it genuinely really was nothing, not just "nothing important" or "nothing I want to share" - just a waiting blankness. I find that impossible to imagine. There's a saying "how do I know what I think until I hear what I'm going to say?", and that's true for me - there is very little gap between the thought/feeling and the fully articulated expression of that for me, I figure out whattt I'm feeling by putting it into words in my head, very quickly. I can't imagine not being like that. But I have to accept that it's possible others are not. I just find it very weird!

Either way agree you're not compatible. Find someone you can talk the night away with.

It is quite likely the insecure thing. Now and again she'll open up and ask me 'are you bothered that I think/say things like that?'.

I always reassure obviously. She's a lot louder and more expressive around other people if there are a group of us together.

@PallasStrand

She sounds completely inarticulate and/or has no capacity for self-analysis — I couldn’t be around that, it would be like living with a pet animal. Or is she prepared to talk about other things, just not her own opinions and preferences? Can you talk about books or current affairs or anything else together?

No, definitely not about current affairs, she just isn't interested. And I dont think she's ever read a book at all.

She does open up now and again about how she feels about different things, but rarely and usually when she's had a drink. I joke with her if I ask her something she won't answer 'I'll have to get you drunk' (it IS just a joke)!

I'm like your DP and honestly the more you kept trying to ask me the less I would want to say anything to you in case I was interrogated. I would no longer want to say to you "you look nice" as a passing compliment for fear of "why? What is it that looks nice? What is your favourite part?" In my mind it's a compliment not a conversation.

As for pp mentioning "what are you thinking about?" I do quite often just zone out and not think of anything. For the last 10 minutes I've just had a song stuck in my head and thought I could see a spider out the corner of my eye (I can't). Not everything has to be deep or a fear of articulating. I'm just a bit boring sometimes.

@COLLIESHANGLES
Basically this is her. You won't be able to change it so you'll have to decide whether having a caring, kind partner with little to chat about is enough for you. You may be able to fill the void by having friends that you talk about those deep issues with, or you may decide that you need that level of depth with a partner. Either way, she is who she is so trying to change her to be more expressive won't work... I tried for years before realising this.
It doesn't mean that you're not compatible necessarily as long as you both happy.

The question is then whether you can see a future with someone who is apparently unable or unwilling to string a sentence together unless she’s drunk or in a group situation, because a sober one-on-one with you merits only a grunt and ‘Dunno, I just do’.

I mean, she sounds horrifying to me — can’t or won’t talk unless drunk, has no interest in the world, has never read a book, appears to have no interiority — but she’s not my girlfriend, and there are clearly things you like about her.

My husband does this. He doesnt like a jumper, I ask why, he says he just doesn't and cant tell me if it's the style, the fit, the colour etc. He doesnt like a meal but cant tell me if it's the flavour, if it's been over cooked, too bland, the texture etc. Its frustrating because I dont know whether to make it again and try and change something.
But I can explain why, and I don't want to talk and talk and talk, so I don't think the two things are connected

Honestly OP you’d drive me mad.
I don’t analyse why I feel the way I do. It simply ‘is’. I like things because I like them. I dislike things because I dislike them. I go places because I want to. No massive in depth reasoning for the majority of my thoughts or decisions. That’s just who I am.

I’d find your constant need to delve deeper and breakdown the ‘why’ utterly exhausting and draining.

So you see we’re all different. You may well be pushing her away.

You sound exhausting! I expect that line of questioning from a 6 yr old not a grown adult. Her responses sound fine to me and actually quite adequate. For people who love each other just being in each others company, or sharing experiences is often enough, the happiest I have been has been walking alongside a good friend or partner in total silence. Why don’t you join a book club or do some additional study instead of pestering your poor partner.

I'm sorry but you would do my head in.

The problem with asking ‘why’ is that, to some people, you’re asking them to back up their statement with facts they might not have. It’s almost a bit accusatory, as if you don’t believe them. Like asking them why they like a dress - tbh I think most people would struggle with that.

As pp have said, it’s too open ended. You should have just said thank you 😊.

I think you're at risk of thinking or implying to her that all communication must be verbal (or written) when actually, in a relationship where there is good emotional communication a huge proportion is non verbal.

Also, continually questioning why does somewhat invalidate her opinions. As others have said, if she likes something, she likes it and by implying that's not enough of a reason you're not being very respectful of her.

I feel you on this, because I'm very expressive, and I'm most attracted to equally expressive people. But one person in my life (was my partner at one point, now best best friend / like family to me) is similar to your girlfriend. He's just not a super wordy or excitable person. But I love him more than any person in the world, honestly. Because he's kind, loyal, generous as fuck, and he always has my back.

Compatibility is 100% about what you're willing to accept. You need to decide what's most important to you in a relationship.

In my romantic relationships, I need fizz and spark and fun and laughter but also a lot of depth and expression. Otherwise, I just feel that something is lacking.

There is no right or wrong. You're not wrong for wanting lots of words and depth, and she's not wrong for being more of the strong silent type. It just depends if you can accept each other the way you are, without constantly pushing for more.

*I have this dynamic with my DH. He hates my ‘just because’ answers. It drives me up the wall that he always wants reasons and explainations.

So here is my explanation as it’s multilayered:

1. I think ‘because I think that, like that etc is enough of a reason. My opinion is enough in itself.
2. I hate questions - in my family growing up to ask questions was equal with being not trusted.
3. Due to cock-eyed upbringing where no open and curious conversation was allowed (see above) I am super skilled at ignoring/squashing my feelings and thoughts and don’t really know what I think or feel on the spot. So just because …is a blocked response because I have an instinct but no reason*

Me too. I hate hate being questioned. Absolutely hate it. It makes me feel cornered, anxious and defensive. Dh has learnt this now. I feel trapped when I’m questioned.

Why does she have to give a reason? I’d have run away from you ages ago. Also if you like conversation in she doesn’t as much, we’ll in every conversation there’s a talker and a listener.

Sounds like you’re not that compatible. Some people (me) just like to talk and discuss things, some don’t. If I disagree with DH’s view he can think I’m trying to cause an argument and get huffy but I just like discussing things and understanding others’ views. And it does cause some issues between us, but we cope because it’s not like that the majority of the time.

You sound like my brother OP! Highly emotional and questioning and always wanting to talk about something philosophical. I'm sure he thinks I'm shallow but I'm just not up for a deep and meaningful conversation about every little thing. I love my brother but we're not close because of this. We're just too different.

Maybe you need to ask your ridiculous questions about inane shit and come back to it later. Give her a chance to think about it.

Why you would want to ask such deep all knowing shit about why she likes a view, for instance, I don't know.