To think this OW has no shame?

[LividLucy]

Dsis’s XH had a 4 year affair which she discovered around 10 years ago. They’d been married over 20 years by then. OW knew he was married with 4DC throughout it all. They even went on regular holidays abroad together passed off as business trips.

Dsis was devastated when she discovered it quite by accident and he immediately left for OW. Dsis was completely shafted by him as he hid quite substantial assets and had already moved their house into his business name so she was left with nothing, had to move into a rundown rented house and work in a minimum wage job while her H and OW have lived a life of luxury with a big house, big cars and lots of holidays. Dsis had been a SAHM but had also helped him get his business off the ground. She had a crap solicitor and refused family help to bring in the big guns as she still loved him and hoped they’d get back together. I think she was still in shock for a long time.

Anyway oldest DC went completely off the rails when the affair came out. Blamed Dsis as she was very passive and wouldn’t hear a bad word against XH so all the DC took it out on her. DN got pregnant within a few months at age 16 and has since had 3DC by 3 different fathers obviously trying to recreate the family her Dad destroyed but picking unsuitable men!

Dsis always encouraged XH to have contact with the DC and he would lavish expensive gifts while not paying child support knowing they were living in a shithole, so the DC are still quite close to him and OW.

OW constantly refers to her ‘grandchildren’ on Facebook and Instagram now which upsets Dsis greatly. Even though 10 years have passed, is this really appropriate? How can Dsis broach this with DN and EX/OW and would she be UR to?

[LividLucy]

Forgot to add, lots of pics of GC too. Obviously trying to make up for something as she has no DC of her own. Dsis does a lot of childcare for DN and is the only ‘real’ GM they have in their lives. OW rarely sees them!

[ProsperTheBear]

Dsis should move on and ignore the OW.

[Truthpact]

Well the husband is a shit too isn't he? She is no prize, but nor is he.

I would just start hoping that his business goes under during lockdown and they lose everything. Bit of karma for them then.

[DameXanaduBramble]

It’s been ten years. She needs to let it go and stop looking at sm.

[DameXanaduBramble]

Btw, the OW is now the ‘wife’, you’re not doing yourselves any favours living in the past.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Your poor sister

This is what happens when you don't listen and become passive

Hope the Ex and his wife have a shit life

I've heard of cases taken on by solicitors (which I'm sure are really rare) that will look retrospectively at settlements if it's been unfair - no chance she'd take that option? Or is she still passive?

[Neap]

So, let me be sure I've understood this. Your former BIL had an affair, left for the OW, shafted his ex-wife of 20 years financially in the divorce settlement, allowed her and his children to live in a run-down house and refused to pay child support -- and you're complaining about the OW, who is now his second wife, using the term 'grandchildren' about her stepdaughter's offspring?

Yeah, it's clear she's the baddie here.

[Notapheasantplucker]

I know it must be really, really hard for your Dsis, but the best thing she can do is to try and forget about exh and OW.

She can't change anything, so she will be beating herself up for the rest of her life, thinking about this pair of arseholes.

They're not worth it!

[Immigrantsong]

Has your sister tried getting the kids to therapy with her? This should be done asap to allow them to heal and discuss anything from the past. And block OW and XH from social media. What you don't see, doesn't hurt you. It sounds hard, but she needs to focus on herself and the kids.

[MorrisZapp]

Your poor sister. There's no point looking at social media now, these people don't have her interests at heart. Her ex husband sounds truly vile, if she hasn't had eg counselling to move on from his actions then it's one option to help her put it in the past and stop it from hurting her in the present.

[understandmenow]

It's sad, but it's the ex that's the biggest shit here. He is the one that moved the assets, had the affair etc, I really don't understand the anger at the OW?

Also, why oh why is your DSIS looking at her SM? That's ridiculous and she needs to stop now.

Now is the time to move on.

[SporadicNamechange]

Your sister (and the rest of your family) really need to move on here. It’s been a whole decade. Stop looking at the woman’s social media.

Your niece clearly has an ongoing relationship with her father and stepmother. And the children view them both as grandparents. That’s entirely up to your niece, however much your sister might dislike it.

Incidentally, you sound really judgmental about your niece’s choices and family make up, as well as her relationship with her mother. That probably comes across to your niece loud and clear.

[LolaSmiles]

I feel for your sister and her ex husband is an arsehole in terms of the divorce and affair.

However, he has been with the other woman for a decade and you say that the children get on with her. She could say step grandchildren to be more accurate, but really your sister needs to accept that they've been together 10 years and his partner will be involved.

[cabbageking]

She choses to read those comments on facebook. She needs to ignore them.

[LividLucy]

Well obviously her XH is a cunt of the highest order, that is a separate issue!

How can a woman who was a willing accomplice in wrecking another woman’s and DC’s lives continue rubbing it in her face though?

There is no need for her to post stuff about the GC on SM surely? That’s for the XH to do not her.

Dsis has become less passive as time has gone on but doesn’t want to upset DN and alienate her. Should she have to suck this up as well?

[MrMeeseekscando]

SM generally has a block button.
10 years is too long to blame someone else for your shit life.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

My DC call my Mum's DH "Papa". My Dad is Grandad but they have a relationship with their Papa that's just as important to honour and acknowledge. My Dad's DP is "Nana" and equally is important to their lives despite having no blood link to them.

You don't need a biological link to a child to love them. You don't need to be a biological Grandparent to use the phrase "my Grandchildren" and have others respect that.

Lives move on. It's not easy to let go of huge amounts of hurt but after ten years you and your sister need to either let go or take yourselves away from social media if it causes you pain.

The OW might be a total cunt. What she did was cunty. But saying things like OW knew he was married with 4DC throughout it all. help nobody because, presumably, he knew he was married, too, and is the one who'd chosen to say (and break) those vows to your sister? It sounds like your sister has spent a decade ignoring the hurt and harm he caused in favour of hating the OW. The ExH is the arsehole, the cause of the pain and the one who chose to break her family apart. 10 years blaming the OW has done her no good at all.

[thedevilinablackdress]

Your sister needs to stop looking at her XH's wife's social media posts.
She had a shit husband and a shit divorce and this isn't helping her move on.

[AuntieMarys]

Why can your sister see this woman's social media? Why doesn't she block her?

[FudgeBrownie2019]

Perhaps OW doesn't see it as "rubbing her face in it" - she loves the children, puts posts on SM celebrating them and sees it simply as loving her Grandchildren. If your sister sees it as a slight, she shouldn't be looking at the social media of the OW.

[justasking111]

DSIS was passive refused help to bring in the big guns to assist in securing a fair settlement now is upset by a few pictures. She needs to move on. She chose to do nothing then to rock the boat which she felt was best for her.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Eh? Why not focus on Dsis' XH?

[Scwelshbird]

Why are you all focusing on this woman? Yes her morals are shit. You owes you and you sister nothing though

[FatalSecrets]

Your sister has been through a really rough time. Part of her being less passive should be controlling her own social media and what she sees.

Nobody knows what the motivations of BIL’s wife are, however your sister can choose whether to see it.

[SporadicNamechange]

Should she have to suck this up as well?

Yes. Because it’s actually up to your niece to decide who is considered a grandparent and what they’re called.

Your niece’s stepmother is posting about her life on her social media. Your sister does not need to look at it. It’s not ‘rubbing her face in it’; I bet the woman doesn’t give any thought at all to her husband’s ex when posting anything.

After 10 years, your sister needs to move on. It sounds like her ongoing attitude is damaging both her own quality of life and her relationship with her daughter. Her ex might be a shit and she might well have been shafted financially. But she just has to move on with her life and concentrate on making herself happy.

My MIL is still bitter about her divorce 30 years later. She brings it up all the time (although she’s not actually honest about the settlement, which was more than fair and FIL actually gave her far more than it stipulated, even though she claims she was shafted) and complains about DH’s dad at any opportunity. She brings it up out of nowhere. It’s crazy and it does affect her relationship with DH. And the real problem is that MIL just refused to move on and make anything of her life. In the last 30 years.

If FIL’s wife (who was the OW) did SM I’m sure MIL would stalk her on it and complain about everything. As it is she tries to get info out of DH all the time so she can bitch about it. But it’s just not healthy and the person who suffers most is MIL. FIL’s wife is totally unaffected by all this.

At this point, it really doesn’t matter who was right or wrong or who did what back in the day. It’s all water under the bridge and moving on is the only thing to do.

The counseling suggested by a PP is a great idea to help with this. Your sister does not want to end up anything like my MIL.