To think this OW has no shame?

[LividLucy]

Dsis’s XH had a 4 year affair which she discovered around 10 years ago. They’d been married over 20 years by then. OW knew he was married with 4DC throughout it all. They even went on regular holidays abroad together passed off as business trips.

Dsis was devastated when she discovered it quite by accident and he immediately left for OW. Dsis was completely shafted by him as he hid quite substantial assets and had already moved their house into his business name so she was left with nothing, had to move into a rundown rented house and work in a minimum wage job while her H and OW have lived a life of luxury with a big house, big cars and lots of holidays. Dsis had been a SAHM but had also helped him get his business off the ground. She had a crap solicitor and refused family help to bring in the big guns as she still loved him and hoped they’d get back together. I think she was still in shock for a long time.

Anyway oldest DC went completely off the rails when the affair came out. Blamed Dsis as she was very passive and wouldn’t hear a bad word against XH so all the DC took it out on her. DN got pregnant within a few months at age 16 and has since had 3DC by 3 different fathers obviously trying to recreate the family her Dad destroyed but picking unsuitable men!

Dsis always encouraged XH to have contact with the DC and he would lavish expensive gifts while not paying child support knowing they were living in a shithole, so the DC are still quite close to him and OW.

OW constantly refers to her ‘grandchildren’ on Facebook and Instagram now which upsets Dsis greatly. Even though 10 years have passed, is this really appropriate? How can Dsis broach this with DN and EX/OW and would she be UR to?

But it will be a cold day in hell before my DC ever call her "granny" or equivalent - that title is taken, by my mother, and will remain hers regardless of whether she is still alive or not.

But that’s your choice and works for you. This woman’s daughter doesn’t agree with you and she’s permitted to make that decision. Her kids. Her rules.

She might have been the OW. Your Dsis made a choice- she could of taken half his company etc. perhaps because she was shocked, etc or perhaps because she thought he would come back. However the women he is with now is her DW and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, sadly.

You don't know what he said to her -or why he said it ended - nor does it matter now. We are 10 years down the line.

PerfectPenquins the niece was a child when her parents split. It's not for her as an adult to go back grovelling because she responded to her parents' split like a child/teenager.

She's an adult now. That doesn't make it right to expect her to get drawn into taking on the emotional burden of her mum's angst, give mum an opportunity to air all the laundry in front of her adult children and try to guilt trip them into taking sides.

Children are not responsible for managing their parents' feelings following a break up. Why should OP's niece be held to a higher standard of emotional maturity than her mother who was the adult when the relationship ended and is still filled with resentment a decade later?

Why should OP's niece be held to a higher standard of emotional maturity than her mother who was the adult when the relationship ended and is still filled with resentment a decade later?

Yes, this ^^

Hating someone is like stabbing yourself and expecting the other person to bleed..

Your sister's feelings are understandable but it's been 10 years. She needs to move on for HERSELF. I know that's easily said but it is genuinely the best thing she could do.

That's my emotional advise. When it comes to the money side...... I know people who went back to court years after a divorce to get the settlement changed. Get your sister to see a solicitor and see if it is an option for her.

This is going to sound really harsh, but:

The children's anger with their mother might be justified. She didn't stick up for herself, so she didn't stick up for them by association; she set a terrible example for what to expect/demand for oneself and has been left sad and poor. You HAVE to stick up for yourself in this life, no-one else will do it for you, and if you don't you can't move on.

Yes exDH actions suck, but your sister basically agreed with him that she deserved it. She told the whole world what she thought she was worth - fuck all. I would be pretty ashamed of my mum if she rolled over like that.

She doesn’t check OW’s SM. She only knows about this as someone pointed it out to her
The OW isn't 'rubbing it in her face' then is she? She is sharing on her own social media and some nosey arse friend / relative who should keep their mouth shut is stirring up shite.

It’s lucky I live at the other end of the country or I’d knock on their door and tell OW and XH what I think myself!
Why would you do this? How is this going to help in any way shape or form? If the children were there or found out about it it's going to make them look at your sister even worse, 10 years later aunt lucy turns up and looks like a crackpot screaming about a situation that should be dead and buried.

I'm sorry your sister has gone through all this but it seems so unnecessary after 10 years! I can understand holding onto resentment about the fact her exH hid marital assets and fucked her over in that regard, but she seems more focused on the 'OW' that she is minimusing his actions n all of this. OW knew he was married with 4DC throughout it all. SO DID HER HUSBAND! The one that look the vows and helped raise the children, the one who made a commitment to her. And she wanted him back?!

At the risk of being flamed here, we don’t know the history.

It’s all very well to say the bloke was a bastard and the OW was a home wrecking bitch, and on the face of it that’s true given it was a four year long affair.

But from the other side the children took his side and stayed close to him and the OW despite the fact this happened during a time when they would have been very aware of the situation.

Sometimes relationships are bad, and sometimes, while it’s certainly not advisable, it’s understandable to think that one party had an affair and left.

And a situation like this one where one party is so bitter that they refuse to ever move on makes me wonder what this marriage was actually like.

all affairs are wrong, but not all cheated-on partners are innocent. Iyswim.

A family member of mine had an affair for a similar period of time. He left his DW for the OW and they have since had a baby together. The ex wife has been so bitter that she has turned her children against him, against his parents, and has told them that they must tell his parents they can no longer have a relationship with them because they support their dad.

Nobody knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

Fact is that these children and grandchildren have a relationship with the new wife, and whether your sister likes it or not, they have a right to see her as a grandparent for their children.

And no, the niece doesn’t owe the sister anything.

Basically your sister is unable to admit she made a mistake - several - and is still trying to blame someone else for it. Admittedly that someone is not particularly sympathetic, but your sister needs to take responsibility for her own situation now.

I would actually speak to your niece in person about how she treats your sister. Its not ok that your sister has taken such an emotional battering from her daughter when she has been the only good parent in her life. She is an adult now and also needs to take control over her own life for her children's sake.

I think this is terrible advice, however, this poster is absolutely correct that your niece is an adult now and needs to make choices that are best for her and her children.

I am of the view that the more people who love her children.

The better.

Your ex Bil and his wife obviously love each other and have a happy life together despite the circumstances of the beginning of their relationship. It is none of your sisters business what this woman posts on social media, and as long as the people in the pictures are happy with it, there shouldn’t be a problem. This only exists as an issue in your sisters head. I can see why it hurts her, but she needs to move on.

dsis needs to block any posts by OW so she doesn't see them. If anyone says anything make a neutral comment and change the subject.

Wallowing in misery 10 years on is a waste of her life and has also impacted her dcs lives. You being angry on her behalf is ridiculous too and only feeds her wallowing. Both of you need to move on from this for your own sakes.

@thedevilinablackdress

Your sister needs to stop looking at her XH's wife's social media posts. She had a shit husband and a shit divorce and this isn't helping her move on.

This x 1000. Why’s she doing this?

Op, I also think that you should be encouraging your sister to have some counselling rather than stoking the fire.
Both of you really need to move on for your own sanity

I think you should write him and her a letter telling them what you think of them and her posing as a granny and how inappropriate it is.

It is then up to them to either take it on board or ignore it.

At least you will have made your position clear and demonstrate that they have not got away with it with some people anyway.

I am sure that you dont care what they think of you so you can write what you feel and sign it.

It’s up to your neice! And it doesn’t seem like it’s designed to rub anyone’s face in it. My DC have a step father. And his family are all Grandma/grandad. If anyone tried to tell me otherwise I’d be very upset

they have not got away with it with some people anyway

It's been TEN YEARS. Why would anyone care what their exes sister thinks of them after 10 years of being divorced and when their children are all adults?

OP please do not do this. All you will do is make yourself (and your sister by association) look unhinged and unable to move on with your lives.

As someone who has an ex-H who is with the OW for nearly a decade your sister needs to move on. HE was the asshole. She has to stop looking outside for people to blame for how SHE reacted to the marriage breakdown. Yes he was awful, yes he acted completely immorally but if she wasn't willing to do anything back then or fight harder for what was her's then she can't blame the OW for that. She needs to stop playing the victim. I know that may sound harsh but that's the truth. She needs counselling by the sounds of it as do her children.

Maybe the circumstances at the beginning weren’t very good, but bil and ow are still together after ten years and have good relationships with the children. They are family to her hence the posts.

Also, as a poster said above, we don’t know if dsis marriage was good or bad. She may have devastated, but it sounds like bil has already checked out. Maybe he was already planning to leave her.

What does she want to broach ow about?

(Unusual for mn to support the ow!)

A person who knowingly dates a man with kids isn't rubbing your sister's face in it by posting pics of her "grandchildren". She doesn't care what your sis thought about the affair and probably doesn't even think of your sis when she posts pics of the kids. I suspect that her ex's wife will be gobsmacked if your sister brings it up because she's probably not thought about her in years. She risks the new wife posting even more photos just to wind up your sister.

Your sis needs to tell the person who told her to stop. It's been a decade and your dn is an adult who can choose who her kids spend time with.

What did your sis expect when she was so passive all those years ago? Her passivity made it easy for her ex and OW to move on (out of sight, out of mind) and her actions have probably taught dn that her mother is a walkover. If your niece got angry when confronted would your sister stand her ground or be passive and beg for forgiveness? Considering that she enabled her ex to pay no child support but lavish expensive gifts instead, she helped create a dysfunctional relationship between her dd and her dad. She can't turn around now and decide that her dd has to be strong enough to "fix" something that she wasn't strong enough to do years ago.

It's not so much about supporting the OW. I don't feel it's supporting the OP or her sister to encourage bitterness and anger a decade on. The time for that has passed imo. It will be much better for her sister to move on and get on with her own life now.

I also agree that the children’s anger with their mother might be justified. Not that we can know here. The family dynamics are unknowable - and the OP is hardly neutral.

Regardless, it is surely a good thing that the children have continued to have a positive relationship with their father. And the grandchildren have positive relationships with their grandparents (as defined by their mother). That is the really what matters at this point.

My own mother did her damnest to damage my relationship with my father, and my sister’s (as MIL did DH’s with his father). Unfortunately my father had the same plan in reverse. The result was incredibly damaging for me and I have no relationship at all with one parent and barely one with the other now. For all practical purposes I may as well have no family at all.

But the story told by my mum (and her friends and family) would be very different to the one I’d tell. My mum’s version has her as the downtrodden, screwed over, hero who did everything and was totally wonderful in the face of my villainous father. She’s still banging on about it 28 years later and it’s just embarrassing. She’s been with my stepdad for 25ish of those years too, and still hasn’t moved on and stopped being a dick about it all.

And she’d never accept that my poor relationship with her is anyone’s fault but mine. She is, as always, totally blameless.

Incidentally, my stepdad is not a grandpa to my kids. They call him by name. He is to my sister’s kids though. Partly this is because I barely knew him when DS1 was born and I’ve never thought of him as in any way fatherly. I don’t have anything against him really (although he is literally the most boring man in the world). My sister chooses to feel differently and made different decisions.

FIL’s wife (who was the OW) is nana to their grandchildren. It’s DH’s choice. MIL hates it, but that’s how it goes. It’s not her decision to make.

The kids, I assume, are all pretty young still? Things like what your X bil has done to your DN has a tendancy to hit home when you’re older and have a stable family and wealth of your own. It will be like a switch and suddenly he and his wife won’t be welcome any more.