To think this OW has no shame?

[LividLucy]

Dsis’s XH had a 4 year affair which she discovered around 10 years ago. They’d been married over 20 years by then. OW knew he was married with 4DC throughout it all. They even went on regular holidays abroad together passed off as business trips.

Dsis was devastated when she discovered it quite by accident and he immediately left for OW. Dsis was completely shafted by him as he hid quite substantial assets and had already moved their house into his business name so she was left with nothing, had to move into a rundown rented house and work in a minimum wage job while her H and OW have lived a life of luxury with a big house, big cars and lots of holidays. Dsis had been a SAHM but had also helped him get his business off the ground. She had a crap solicitor and refused family help to bring in the big guns as she still loved him and hoped they’d get back together. I think she was still in shock for a long time.

Anyway oldest DC went completely off the rails when the affair came out. Blamed Dsis as she was very passive and wouldn’t hear a bad word against XH so all the DC took it out on her. DN got pregnant within a few months at age 16 and has since had 3DC by 3 different fathers obviously trying to recreate the family her Dad destroyed but picking unsuitable men!

Dsis always encouraged XH to have contact with the DC and he would lavish expensive gifts while not paying child support knowing they were living in a shithole, so the DC are still quite close to him and OW.

OW constantly refers to her ‘grandchildren’ on Facebook and Instagram now which upsets Dsis greatly. Even though 10 years have passed, is this really appropriate? How can Dsis broach this with DN and EX/OW and would she be UR to?

Honestly if i was you i would stop projecting on to other people (dn has had 3 kids to replace her birth family, ow is using her step dgc to fill a void left by not having dc of her own) and look at how you can help and support your loved ones in ways that are your business

PerfectPenquins
The niece doesn't need to apologize to her mum for getting on with her dad and his now long term partner. It's also not the niece's job to police other adult's social media to appease her mum.

Since when was it the job of children to be responsible for managing their parents' unresolved issues that have been festering for a decade?

This site talks about blended families all the time

Divorce , adultery etc are all part of life

Lucky grandchildren to have 3 grandparents

Lucky neice too

We've all seen posts in relationships where the man has told the woman that he and his wife are like flatmates, with no romance/emotional attachment or sexual relationship, when in reality the opposite is true
One reason I could never get that upset with OW was that I'd read my ex's lies and knew what she thought was going on; she was rescuing a poor innocent lamb from the grasp of a horrible woman he had never liked who forced him into marriage and children against his will. And prevented him from having a third child, his greatest wish apparently. I was a bit amazed that she didn't see all the massive contradictions in his story, but that's love for you. She had no real idea what was going on.

This OW would clearly love to be a real grandmother. She has no children, having spent 4 years being someone's bit on the side, and is now married to the kind of man who doesn't pay maintenance. She isn't living the dream life. No need for you to rub that in by banging on her door and telling her she's not even allowed to call her husband's kids the gc.

continue rubbing it in her face though?

How is she rubbing it in her face? She's not posting pictures through your sisters letter box. She's posting on her own personal social media account and your sister is either choosing to look or choosing not to ask people to stop telling her.

You dont post things on SM to rub it in the faces of people you don't even have on there and where there's no guarantee they'll see it (unless some busy body tells them)...

With all due respect, it's been 10 years. This woman is now the wife. Your sister needs to move on. There does come a point where you need to start moving forward from these things and I think 10 years is definitely past it. It's not healthy to be this angry still over something that happened a decade ago. He sounds like a twat, I agree but seriously, your sister doesn't need to spend even more of her life being angry and bitter about something that happened so long ago. And neither do you frankly, turning up on their doorstep to give them a piece of your mind? It's been 10 years.

It's also nothing to do with your sister or you or anyone else in your family other than your niece and her children, what the wife is called to them. If they are happy with her being grandma then well there's nothing for anyone else to say about the matter.

We've all seen posts in relationships where the man has told the woman that he and his wife are like flatmates, with no romance/emotional attachment or sexual relationship, when in reality the opposite is true

Yes it happened to me (not the OP's husband) and the bloke told several women the same story, and others different stories like his marriage was in the process of ending etc.

Saying they have a sexless marriage seems to be the modern version of 'my wife doesn't understand me.'

Also, I think often the woman justifies it by thinking it's reasonable because she's in love with the bloke and people can't help who they fall in love with.

That isn't really an excuse though, as a married man should just be completely off limits and no woman except his wife should think it ok to be involved with him.

I think it’s completely up to DN whether she allows OW to post pictures. My DSF posts pictures of my DC, and is called grandad even though he and my mother had an affair.

Lola Smiles - not for having a relationship with her dad but for her treatment of her mum who she made pay for her fathers behaviour knowing her mum is the reliable one. You ant treat people badly and abuse them without at least acknowledging it was wrong and apologising. The niece has three kids now she is an adult. Adults are capable of having things raised with them, you dont have to agree with everything but having open discussions is the grown up thing to do. My dads OW is not allowed to set eyes on my kids if the parent decides no photos on SM then that's what happens. The niece dosnt even have to say no photos but can at least listen and understand her mums position. I listen to both my parents views and either agree or not but i empathise with both without taking sides.

I do think now she’s older she could be more considerate of her mother’s feelings though! I am furious for Dsis

This is so unhealthy. It's not up to your sisters children and grandchildren to be considerate to her feelings in regards to her divorce. I've been through similar. My dad was in your sisters shoes though, with my mum having an affair and leaving. My relationship with my mum is my own. Yes it suffered at first but we worked through it and we moved on. My dad was never able to and still now nearly 15 years later he is so incredibly bitter about it, he still thinks I'm wrong for having a relationship with my own mum and her husband, he still bitches about her to me and refuses to be in a room with her for anything like a wedding or child's birthday party. And to be perfectly honest, there's only so long that I have sympathy for. Now it is draining and on occasion has been boarding on emotional blackmail. My relationship with my mother is mine, it is not for my dad to dictate or to be dictated by his feelings. You should never put that on your children, adults or not.

It has nothing to do with your sister, as hard as it is, what your DN calls her Dad's wife or what relationship her children have with her. I'm sorry that's hard to swallow for your sister but it's the truth and she'll do herself no favours trying to pretend that it is and being furious about it.

Ten years is a long time to carry such bitterness and resentment. The OW was quite obviously an arsehole but the biggest arsehole is the husband, he broke your sister’s heart, trust and their vows. She needs to move on with her life now really.

@LividLucy

She doesn’t check OW’s SM. She only knows about this as someone pointed it out to her. More humiliation for her to deal with . It’s lucky I live at the other end of the country or I’d knock on their door and tell OW and XH what I think myself!

I did suggest therapy for the DC years ago but we were brought up to think psychiatrists were for crazy people .

I dont judge DN . I understand how her life turned out as chaotic as it has. Dsis has always had to pick up the pieces. I feel incredibly sad for her though. She never allowed herself to feel anger at her Dad probably due to insecurity of losing him. He wasn’t involved much when they were growing up as always working or away on ‘business’. I do think now she’s older she could be more considerate of her mother’s feelings though! I am furious for Dsis.

You’d be so out of line to tell off your ex-bils wife.

Maybe your niece has an excellent Relationship with her father and stepmother. Maybe she enjoys having extra grandparents for her children.

It sounds like you guys really wanted to alienate the children from their father. Which is so completely unhealthy.

You all need therapy to get over this

This is none of your business, why would you knock on their door? Get over it, he left your sister, they all moved on. It's just not to do with you any more, or indeed your sister.

The time to take action has passed. Your sister chose to sit back and let her XH walk all over her. She’s put her XH on a pedestal of course her DC are then going to idolise him and think she’s the one in the wrong. He gives them expensive things she’s making them live in a crappy rundown house.

She needs to let the past go unless she can do anything legally about righting the financial settlement she got. That’s if she wants to.

OW can post what she likes on social media, DN is not complaining and they’re her DC.

Your sister needs to sort out her own life, possibly try to get family therapy for herself and her DC. Block her ex on everything presumably she doesn’t need to contact him over anything. And try and live a happy fulfilled life.

I know a lot of time MN gets flack for being insistent on getting ducks in a row and trying to get women in your sisters position to get themselves killer legal advice and find their anger and stop making their stbxh out to be amazing and wonderful when the reality is they’re utter shits. But if you don’t do the above, you end up in the situation your sister is in currently.

You can’t turn back time but stop letting your life now be dragged down by useless bitterness. It’s a useless emotion.

Yes this is the important thing, your dsis needs and deserves some happiness in her life and dwelling on decade old grudges is not helping her achieve this. You can’t receive unless you lay down the things you’re already carrying.

Sorry to have to say this Op, but your sister just has to accept the situation . It is obvious that your sister is still bitter , understandably so. However, as other posters have said, your dd’s relationship with her father and step mother are her own business.

XH will have lied and lied and she won't see things the way you do.

He is the cunt in this situation. Your DS should have been frank with DC from day 1. What a sad situation.

Your sister chose to sit back and let her XH walk all over her.
she’s making them live in a crappy rundown house.

It's not that easy though. Not everyone is the same. Some people find confrontation etc more difficult than others, or they love a bloke so do all they can to try and keep him/win him back etc.

Especially the house isn't really her fault now- It's unlikely that anything can be done after this length of time.

@LividLucy EMDR therapy might well be useful for DSis- it helps people process unpleasant memories and their effects. x

You and your sister need to stop focussing on the former OW (now long term partner). She didn't destroy a family, the ExH did. He was the one with committments, who made marriage vows. Your sister got shafted but it wasn't the OW that did it, it was her slimeball husband.

This woman is your DN's stepmum and stepgrandmother to the children. Her relationship with them is none of yours - or your sister's - business. Block and move on. No need to be a drama llama about it.

I despise people who have affairs, but even I couldn't get worked up over this. Ten years is a long time, I would have left that pair trailing in my wake long ago and seen them for the arseholes they are. The time to get ballsy was at the start when he took the house (how did he do that without her signature?) There's no way I would have let him walk away without paying his dues. That is the biggest crime here, calling yourself grandma on Facebook is just the annoying shit that you ignore.

I can see where you are coming from OP. My dad is now married to his OW, and we get on just fine. She is great with kids, and loves my daughter. But it will be a cold day in hell before my DC ever call her "granny" or equivalent - that title is taken, by my mother, and will remain hers regardless of whether she is still alive or not.

To give my dad's current wife credit, she understands this 100% and would never presume to think she was "granny" or post anything about them on SM (which I have banned everyone including myself from doing - let kids be kids FFS don't plaster their lives all over the internet, but that's a separate debate).

Your sister married a douchebag, sorry!

Similar thing happened to my DM when I was a teenager. She has spent two decades being intensely angry at the OW which means she hasn't moved on and it's only hurt her in the long run. As I have always said to her, you cannot control what other people do and how they act but you can control what you do and your reaction to it. I think it's finally getting in there, 25 years later!! I just think what a waste of my poor mums life. My dad and OW on the other hand have been very happy.

And that's your decision to make, MyOwnSummer, it wouldn't be right for your mother, father, step mother, aunt or anyone to tell you that have must do otherwise.

OPs niece and her children are obviously okay with it. And their choice is also a valid one and also not for anyone else to decide or get furious about on their behalf.

I'd probably try a solicitor for a claim now on the house citing fraud.

Sorry but no advice short of poisoned Xmas chocs for the OW!

Just don't look at it. Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And it won't do her kids and grandchildren any good whatsoever. Quite the opposite.

She’s not rubbing her face in it op, it’s not about your sister it’s about the children and as they’ve been together at least ten years and are married then treating the children like grand kids is a positive.

Your sister needs to move on. This is unhealthy deeply so. To not want her to refer to the kids as grandkids as it humiliates her is a deeply disturbing thought process.

Times have changed, she is no longer the ow. She is the step parent and step grand parent. Your sister should no longer find this humiliating.