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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this OW has no shame?

150 replies

LividLucy · 03/06/2020 13:41

Dsis’s XH had a 4 year affair which she discovered around 10 years ago. They’d been married over 20 years by then. OW knew he was married with 4DC throughout it all. They even went on regular holidays abroad together passed off as business trips.

Dsis was devastated when she discovered it quite by accident and he immediately left for OW. Dsis was completely shafted by him as he hid quite substantial assets and had already moved their house into his business name so she was left with nothing, had to move into a rundown rented house and work in a minimum wage job while her H and OW have lived a life of luxury with a big house, big cars and lots of holidays. Dsis had been a SAHM but had also helped him get his business off the ground. She had a crap solicitor and refused family help to bring in the big guns as she still loved him and hoped they’d get back together. I think she was still in shock for a long time.

Anyway oldest DC went completely off the rails when the affair came out. Blamed Dsis as she was very passive and wouldn’t hear a bad word against XH so all the DC took it out on her. DN got pregnant within a few months at age 16 and has since had 3DC by 3 different fathers obviously trying to recreate the family her Dad destroyed but picking unsuitable men!

Dsis always encouraged XH to have contact with the DC and he would lavish expensive gifts while not paying child support knowing they were living in a shitholeAngry, so the DC are still quite close to him and OW.

OW constantly refers to her ‘grandchildren’ on Facebook and Instagram now which upsets Dsis greatly. Even though 10 years have passed, is this really appropriate? How can Dsis broach this with DN and EX/OW and would she be UR to?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 03/06/2020 14:27

New wife is nice to husband's grandchildren and that is what you are complaining about?

understandmenow · 03/06/2020 14:28

How can a woman who was a willing accomplice in wrecking another woman’s and DC’s lives continue rubbing it in her face though?

Your Dsis has complete control over this, don't look!

Lots of second wives treat the DHs grandchildren as their own, which is a positive. My DSIS ( no affair involved), has grandchildren vis her SD, they call her nanna as do her "blood" grandchildren.

The problem I'm afraid is you DSis, she can't change how the OW acts but she can change her reaction

ravenmum · 03/06/2020 14:30

I'm not even friends with my exh on FB let alone the OW. Does your sister not know how to block/unfriend people?

Original poster
LividLucy · 03/06/2020 14:31

She doesn’t check OW’s SM. She only knows about this as someone pointed it out to her. More humiliation for her to deal with Angry. It’s lucky I live at the other end of the country or I’d knock on their door and tell OW and XH what I think myself!

I did suggest therapy for the DC years ago but we were brought up to think psychiatrists were for crazy people Sad.

I dont judge DN Hmm. I understand how her life turned out as chaotic as it has. Dsis has always had to pick up the pieces. I feel incredibly sad for her though. She never allowed herself to feel anger at her Dad probably due to insecurity of losing him. He wasn’t involved much when they were growing up as always working or away on ‘business’. I do think now she’s older she could be more considerate of her mother’s feelings though! I am furious for Dsis.

OP posts:
insertcaffeine · 03/06/2020 14:36

Your sister needs to stop blaming her XH and OW for her life. It's been a decade. At some point it's no longer their fault.

This all seems to be very blame heavy on everyone else - XH, OW, solicitors etc and none for the way your sister has handled things.

SporadicNamechange · 03/06/2020 14:36

Your sister could just shut down anyone telling her stuff like this. The people who are looking to shit stir are actually at fault here. And the only way to prevent them is to stop caring.

It’s not really counselling for the kids that’s required here. It sounds like they’re grown up so that’s their own call. Your sister should get counseling to help her move on and put appropriate boundaries in place so no one is trying to shit stir etc.

And honestly, you need to move on from it. It’s none of your business and not healthy that you feel you’d like to go round and have a go at your ex-BIL’s wife.

AuntieMarys · 03/06/2020 14:36

She needs to tell the person who informed her that she doesn't want to know. Or is that person a goady fucker who did it to wind her up?

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 03/06/2020 14:37

Why is your DSis even looking at her ex's new wife's Facebook and Instagram?

She needs to get over this. It has been 10 years. It was her responsibility to get an appropriate Solicitor. She should have been aware of their financial situation. None of the past is relevant here.

I assume her DD has had a 10 year relationship with her stepmother and I can understand why some DSMs, with such a lengthy relationship, would refer to their DH's grandchildren as theirs too.

ravenmum · 03/06/2020 14:37

Honestly, it's unhealthy for your sister to be thinking about her ex - you shouldn't be encouraging this sort of drama and making it even bigger. She should tell her gossipy friend not to bring the subject up. Then make herself a nicer life and not constantly compare herself to her ex. Sure, you might have the odd moment when you think about what might have been, but focusing on it is really bad for you.

Who knows what your niece's life would have been like if her parents had stuck together. Maybe her dad would have been frustrated and even more of a shit, except in her own home. Maybe it would have been a normal family life and your dn would still have got pregnant by mistake with her first boyfriend - it's not unheard-of. Shame that neither of her parents helped her get counselling, but too late now to be blaming people.

understandmenow · 03/06/2020 14:39

She doesn’t check OW’s SM. She only knows about this as someone pointed it out to her. More humiliation for her to deal with . It’s lucky I live at the other end of the country or I’d knock on their door and tell OW and XH what I think myself!

Whoever pointed it out is at fault, why did they don't that?

Why after 10 years would you knock on their door and tell them what you think? What makes you think they'd be interested or bothered?

The marriage is over and they are getting on with their lives, which includes a loving home for DGC.

LolaSmiles · 03/06/2020 14:39

It sounds like you're on the hunt for anything you can blame on your former BiL's affair. As for going round to tell your former BIL's long term partner what you think of her, you sound like a right drama llama.

Your former brother in law moved on a decade ago, his long term partner has continued to build a positive relationship with his children and 10 years down the line you're still this angry. It's not helpful to you or your sister.

Tlollj · 03/06/2020 14:40

I’d be fucking furious as well op.
If I thought my grandchildren were calling my ex’s gf grandma I’d be fit to be tied.
Ten years twenty years fifty years makes no odds she not their grandmother, may as well call her great uncle Charlie because she not that either.

MuthaClucker · 03/06/2020 14:40

If your niece has no issue with it, it’s not really anyone else’s business.

Your sister should tell anyone ‘pointing it out to her’ that she’s not interested.

alwaysanewlife · 03/06/2020 14:42

That man is a fucking, fucking bastard of the highest order. What a fucking arse. I fucking hate men who have SAHM wives who enable them to have nice lives and build big careers and they fucking shaft them when the divorce comes. And shafting your own children is a special kind of utter shit.

Just had to get that off my chest.

understandmenow · 03/06/2020 14:42

OW constantly refers to her ‘grandchildren’ on Facebook and Instagram now which upsets Dsis greatly. Even though 10 years have passed, is this really appropriate? How can Dsis broach this with DN and EX/OW and would she be UR to?

So someone is telling your DSIS constantly, she needs to say these words "I'm not interested", you say it's more humiliation for her? Well tell them to stop?

understandmenow · 03/06/2020 14:43

I’d be fucking furious as well op.
If I thought my grandchildren were calling my ex’s gf grandma I’d be fit to be tied.
Ten years twenty years fifty years makes no odds she not their grandmother, may as well call her great uncle Charlie because she not that either.

It's not your choice though! It's the parents of the chiefs choice, so your feelings are not relevant.

Jux · 03/06/2020 14:44

I think that, yes, your sister should keep right out of it. I'm sorry she still finds it humiliating, but after 10 years ..... Perhaps she could do with some counselling herself, so she can leave it all in the past now?

MagnoliaJustice · 03/06/2020 14:45

She's not the OW, she's the second wife. I think that both you and your sister need to step away from the drama. You say she knew all along exBIL was married with children but who knows what lies he told her? We've all seen posts in relationships where the man has told the woman that he and his wife are like flatmates, with no romance/emotional attachment or sexual relationship, when in reality the opposite is true.
You are castigating the wrong person. HE is the bad guy here, not her.
If she's treating your niece's children well, then that's all that matters.

Interestedwoman · 03/06/2020 14:45

This is awful OP. Sad

How can a woman who was a willing accomplice in wrecking another woman’s and DC’s lives continue rubbing it in her face though?

The OW is unlikely to be seeing it this way. She probably thinks or wishes she really has this sort of relationship with DN and her kids (not that she thinks she's replacing your DSis but she feels or wants to have that type of relationship with the kids too.) Not having her own kids may well be part of it.

Or maybe she is that nasty.

DSis needs to block her and ExH on Facebook so she doesn't see any of the posts and get upset. Even if the OW tags DN, I don't think your DSis will see the posts when she's blocked her.

billy1966 · 03/06/2020 14:49

OP try and let it go, even though it must be annoying.

Your sister married a prick, was offered help but but refused it.

Unfortunately she couldn't be helped.

She needs to help herself.

Flowers
alwaysanewlife · 03/06/2020 14:49

She had a crap solicitor and refused family help to bring in the big guns as she still loved him and hoped they’d get back together

They were getting divorced and she refused offers to get better legal representation because she thought being nice to him by getting a rubbish divorce settlement would mean he would come back to her? By God!

PerfectPenquins · 03/06/2020 14:50

I would actually speak to your niece in person about how she treats your sister. Its not ok that your sister has taken such an emotional battering from her daughter when she has been the only good parent in her life. She is an adult now and also needs to take control over her own life for her children's sake. If that happens and she grows in maturity realises how badly shes hurt her mum she may be able to mend that. Thats the important relationship to be cared for. The OW is an absolute piss take but she has no shame having demonstrated that through her actions. It would be fine to let your niece know that the social media posting is upsetting her mum and she can then decide whether to tell the OW to stop posting or not. Im sorry how badly your sister has been treated in many ways through this, her ex can rot and I hope his OW finds an OM and it devastates him.

Interestedwoman · 03/06/2020 14:51

She only knows about this as someone pointed it out to her.

Well then, that friend needs to stop it as it's causing her pain. Also, if the friend is saying something like 'look at this that the OW wrote' and then DSis looks, again, she wouldn't be able to do that if she blocks them and keeps them blocked.

But her friend should stop it- DSis could tell her to stop.

Immigrantsong · 03/06/2020 14:52

People shit stir because they know they will get a reaction from your sister. You and her need to stop this teenage nonsense of angst and let it go. If anything stop giving them so much headspace out of pride and if you were brought up to think of therapy so negatively, you are now adults and should know better. Don't look at their faults, look at why you are also so reluctant to let go of this and live your lives. And why you allow idiots to upset you by telling you things about the OW and XH. Woman the fuck up and put some boundaries and grow in respect and dignity by leaving things in the past.

justmyview · 03/06/2020 14:54

lots of pics of GC too. Obviously trying to make up for something as she has no DC of her own

Or............ maybe she loves the children? Remember, for the children, this woman has always been in their life and if they are young, they won't differentiate between her and their blood grandmother

I'm not condoning affairs, far from it, but I think you and your sister would be happier if you could move on from this, for your own sakes