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AIBU?

Caught in the middle again

206 replies

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:41

Our 17 year old daughter was going out today. She was really looking forward to it as she has been really good during lockdown and has not done much. She looked lovely in a new dress and DH wanted to take a photo of her. She refused (this has happened before, and he's been annoyed) and DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. That won't be the case, because he has put a damper on things for her and she will be anxious about it all.

DD says she feels awkward standing there having her photo taken, its not about being unwilling to do something for him. She is often helpful and is a lovely girl. He can't see it any other way than DD has caused the atmosphere and if she had let him take a photo this would not have happened.

I'm so upset for her. I think DH is being completely unreasonable and horrible. He is generally a lovely man but he often takes things personally when that is not the case. I don't get it. He says she takes photos with her friends so why not for him? Should she have complied at his request? This is all so silly and unnecessary.

Views from other people would be really welcome.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 30/05/2020 14:43

Dh is unreasonable

I hate having my photo taken and would object

If my dad got in a piss over it, I would have felt terrible

Epigram · 30/05/2020 14:46

DH is being totally unreasonable here! Ask for a photo - fine. If she says no he needs to accept that. He should be ashamed of himself for making a big deal out of it and spoiling her day.

MouthBreathingRage · 30/05/2020 14:46

You can't demand a photo of someone, as much as you can't demand a hug or any other form of personal intrusion. It's completely disrespectful of her and her personal space. I'm in my 30s, and I do not comply with people demanding I get in a photo if I don't feel like partaking. Your husband is completely in the wrong and owes your daughter an apology.

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:46

Thank you for responding, I agree with you Sad

OP posts:
MitziK · 30/05/2020 14:47

Depends.

To put it bluntly, if she disappeared overnight, would you have a recent photo or would you be searching for a four year old school photo to avoid having one with a puppy ears and whiskers filter?

Having a photo of your kid looking lovely and happy is something special, as it makes you smile each time you see it. But she stropped out and didn't want him to have that.

EmbarrassedWoman · 30/05/2020 14:49

Ask dh if he wants to teach his daughter the lesson that if a man asks for a photo of her body in any context she must say yes to keep him happy.
Its a very imortant message at 17 to learn your body. Your choice.

Leaannb · 30/05/2020 14:51

@MitziK....So the daughter doesn't get a say in having her picture taken? She doesn't have body autonomy? When did the daughter become a possession instead of a person ?

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:51

Mitzik, I do know what you mean about a lack of recent photos but I think she feels on the spot and she doesn't really like the way she looks even though I think she's gorgeous. She definitely didn't go off in a strop, she was really upset and the last thing she wants to do is upset him. Actually she just sent me a text asking if he is still mad because I know she worries about this sort of thing and will be feeling nervous. Me and DH currently not talking...

OP posts:
Plumplumbadum · 30/05/2020 14:53

A request is something a person can refuse. Sounds more like an order to me. It's her body and if she doesn't want a photograph taken then he should accept that, not try to impose his will. It's creepy and controlling and she should feel comfortable about being able to refuse such things.

Plumplumbadum · 30/05/2020 14:58

Having a photo of your kid looking lovely and happy is something special, as it makes you smile each time you see it. But she stropped out and didn't want him to have that.

So his wants outweigh her choice? Is that what you're saying. Like she's some kind of possession.

userabcname · 30/05/2020 14:59

Why did he need a photo though? I know it's nice but once she had said no, why keep pushing? As a pp said, what exactly is he teaching here about consent? That she should put up and shut up when it comes to her body rather than have clear boundaries? My stepdad used to do this and it drove me mad. Once he came in my room in the morning unannounced and tried to take a quick, candid snap of me without asking while I was standing at my chest of drawers brushing my hair because apparently I "had to get used to" him taking photos of me. I was so fucked off I threw the brush at him and broke his stupid camera. No regrets.

Sparklesocks · 30/05/2020 15:00

I think a teenager should be able to object to having her photo taken if she chooses to. Particularly as teenage girls can be uncomfortable about their self image and how they look. Your DH was unreasonable for pushing it and getting angry when she refused. I don’t think ‘having an updated photo’ if she went missing is really much of a reason to force her.

I don’t agree that teenage girls should obey everything they are told to do even if they feel uncomfortable with it. Guilting her into it is manipulative and putting her wants second.

FrancisCrawford · 30/05/2020 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crickets · 30/05/2020 15:01

Your DH is 100% in the wrong. It's up to your dd (or any individual) if they want their photograph taken or not.

I'd normally say it's ok to ask and ok to say no. I assume your dd has previously said she'd rather not? In which case, your oh should leave it at that.

My teenage ds doesn't like me posting about him on social media. I don't post about him on social media.

In this circumstance, your h is holding everybody ransom to his temper and sulks. That is a much bigger problem.

Nottherealslimshady · 30/05/2020 15:03

Your husband is well out of order. He doesn't have a right to photos of your daughter no more than he has a right to photos of you.

You risk him teaching her that it's easier to give a man what he wants. Maybe ask him how he'd feel if her boyfriend said the things to he that he did?

AnotherBoredOne · 30/05/2020 15:06

Sorry to say this but it sounds creepy and I don't know why because it shouldnt

YgritteSnow · 30/05/2020 15:07

I so remember that churning feeling in my stomach and dreading going home because one of my parents had kicked off just before I went out. Your poor dd Sad. He's ruined her day with his petulant tantrum. Do you and she often have to tip toe round him and do things you don't want to do in case he has a big draining sulk you all have to deal with?

recycledteenager24 · 30/05/2020 15:08

dh is being a bit of a knob on this ocassion it seems.

Perisoire · 30/05/2020 15:08

YANBU. How completely awkward for her Sad

OP, please stand up for your dd here.

Nottherealslimshady · 30/05/2020 15:08

@MitziK you dont get to have everything you want when it comes from other people. Their consent is paramount.

bigchris · 30/05/2020 15:09

Poor girl, her dad is an utter wanker

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2020 15:11

Your husband is a controlling arsehole. Him trying to force your daughter into doing something she doesn't want to do is setting a horrible example for her. Basically, if you want to keep a man happy and not deal with his sulking, do as your told, whether you like it or not. What an absolute prick. And then to be having a tantrum over it is simply pathetic. She doesn't want her fucking picture taken! Why is that so hard for him to respect? Your poor daughter.

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Crickets · 30/05/2020 15:12

I don't think I would be in the middle. Your oh has behaved dreadfully and you must support your dd.

Missing the point of the thread, where was your dd going?

SayakaMurata · 30/05/2020 15:13

Your DD is allowed to decide whether or not she has her photo taken. It's about consent.

Your DH is being unreasonable and horrible. And he's probably spoilt her day out.

Perisoire · 30/05/2020 15:13

@MitziK

But she stropped out and didn't want him to have that.

OP says ‘DH got really angry’ and ‘DD left in tears’. I’d say the H stropped, not DD.

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