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To have told 6yo the truth.

(465 Posts)
malm275 Sun 19-May-19 05:50:50

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread hmm
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

malm275 Sun 19-May-19 05:53:10

Sorry for the very long sentence in the middle ... I comma'd instead of full stopping 🤦‍♀️

KatherineJaneway Sun 19-May-19 05:56:34

YANBU. She needs to learn that if she is nasty to others, there are consequences.

itscallednickingbentcoppers Sun 19-May-19 05:57:51

Ah tough one. I don't think YWBU really but that will have had an impact on that little girl and might knock her confidence in building friendships. She probably did need to be told the truth but there's being told in a gentle way by a loving parent or kind teacher and then the truth being blurted out unexpectedly in front of everyone by a random parent.

dashoflime Sun 19-May-19 06:02:41

I think YWBU, sorry.
At 6, consequences still have to be tied quite closely to the behaviour to make sense to the child.
So, if you were to witness her being unkind to your DD and said "That was very unkind. I think I'll have to seperate the two of you for now" that would be useful.
If you tell her shes "not very kind to DD" in a general sense, she can't really connect that with a specific behaviour or know how to change things.
It just feels like you did it to vent rather than to impart any kind of lesson.

saywhatwhatnow Sun 19-May-19 06:03:04

I tend to agree with pp in that YANBU to not invite her, but I tend to think you were a little U blurting it out in front of all the other parents and children. She is only 6 after all. I'm not one for pandering at all but think it could've been done a little more tactfully, however it's done and the school will deal with it from here I'm sure. At least she won't keep asking for an invite eh!?

boobirdblue Sun 19-May-19 06:05:37

6 is still young, I think you were a little UR.

The school probably asked you not to approach the parents because this type of thing happens...... parent wars. You said half the playground were giving you filthy looks.

What's the strategy in the school you work in?

HennyPennyHorror Sun 19-May-19 06:05:44

She's not kind because she's not been brought up well. Which is not her fault.

Her knowing that she's not very kind won't help her at this point. Only her parents can really do that.

I think YWBU. It would have been better to flannel it. "No not this time sorry" and no more.

malm275 Sun 19-May-19 06:09:17

Hmm, I think this is my issue. Not that I said it, but that it kind of blurted out without me thinking about it and that other parents heard (as this made it public rather than a private conversation, not because I'm bothered what they think of me - I also got a few pats on the back which actually made me feel worse)
I might try and phone mum today as I wanted to just talk to her right from the start of all this but also wanted to respect schools boundaries.

cake778 Sun 19-May-19 06:11:36

Probably not the best move, but everyone gets to the end of their tether. Doing it in the moment in fine (although I've also had filthy looks due to this).

Teddybear45 Sun 19-May-19 06:15:03

You did nothing wrong in calling it out. The girl is bullying your dd and her mum should have sorted this out the first time the school got involved. She didn’t, you did, and who cares if this knocks the girl’s confidence for a bit? At six regardless of whether she has SEN she shouldn’t bully. Don’t dilute the message by apologising to the mum — in fact if she raises it directly reiterate it. She isn’t nice to your dd and therefore won’t get an invite.

LellyMcKelly Sun 19-May-19 06:18:22

Don’t phone the mother. It won’t achieve anything. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. She was very rude asking for an invitation and your daughter doesn’t want her at the party because she’s unkind to her.

ANewDawn10 Sun 19-May-19 06:24:19

Yanbu. The girl learnt one thing. If shes nasty, there are consequences. Your dd learnt another thing, her mum will stand by her and she shouldn't accept anything that makes her unhappy.
If my child came home crying because of some mean little child , i wouldn't even feel bad to set her straight.

And don't contact the mother, you would end up apologising for her daughters behavior.

malm275 Sun 19-May-19 06:25:49

I wont phone. I'll give school a heads up on what's happened maybe and they can hopefully do some damage control.
I wonder if the girls mum spends her weekend worrying over how upset my daughter has been feeling? Sigh.

MaybeitsMaybelline Sun 19-May-19 06:30:02

Personally I would just leave it now. The school doesn’t need to be involved and the mum needs to discuss with her DD the reasons why this happened.

Let it drop, it will be forgotten by Tuesday.

Teddybear45 Sun 19-May-19 06:32:42

She doesn’t because she’s clearly a bad mum Op. a good mum would have corrected her dd’s behaviour when the school initially got involved.

Fundays12 Sun 19-May-19 06:37:14

I would leave it you maybe shouldn’t have blurted it out but someone (really her parents) needed to tell her that. My son has SEN needs I still do not allow him to bully other children as it’s unaccep behaviour. He has just turned 7 but knows other kids won’t play with him if he is nasty to them. As for the mum she was probably upset to hear this but it may make her think about her daughters behaviour and how it impacts not only on other kids but her own child (I.e no party invites).

NauseousMum Sun 19-May-19 06:38:03

Tough call. On the one hand she was very rude to keep harassing your daughter and given the school is involved her parents should have stopped it and not allowed her to approach. On the other, it's really the parents you need to tell as she will be copying their behaviour.

Leave it for now, it's said. Be prepared for next time and keep your dd away from her.

AlexaAmbidextra Sun 19-May-19 06:42:35

YABU with all the bloody crossing out. I never understand the point of this. Just write the words.

CrumpetyTea Sun 19-May-19 06:46:13

Fine not to invite her to the party ( assuming not a whole class/all the girls party) YABVU to have spoken like you did- she's only 6!
Its not clear what the school has done re the bullying - do they think its bullying? have they spoken to the other parent? it may have come as a bolt from the blue- both the girl and her mum may have no understanding of what she has done. It sounds like the girl think she is your daughter's friend so maybe she isn't being intentionally nasty.
Just because a child has bullied/been mean to your child doesn't mean you get to be mean back

OneInEight Sun 19-May-19 06:50:08

Fine not to invite her to the party. YABU and naive if you expect the non-invitation will improve the child's behaviour. My experience is that if a child is regularly excluded then their behaviour deteriorates rather than the reverse.

allthegoodusernameshavegone Sun 19-May-19 06:54:00

Yanbu, you have told her the truth, she needed to learn, the tears were probably out of shame and she will have probably learnt a lesson. When she is nicer to other DC she will enjoy the reward of getting invitations

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 19-May-19 06:56:38

She won’t have spent the weekend worrying about your dd. She will more likely have spent the weekend bitching about you and your dd. Be prepared for potential fall out.

Speak to your dd about talking to the teacher and the come clean with the teacher if the girl continues to harass her. Write a short email so the teacher sees it ASAP and is aware on Monday morning. This is too delicate to discuss in the playground.

You really should not have said what you did. If you wanted to make a statement, the best choice would have been to say something more neutral and along the lines of “Because dd didn’t invite you.” She’s 6. Of course a grown up telling her she’s horrible in general is going to be terribly hurtful and potentially damaging long term.

sandcastlemadewithshells Sun 19-May-19 07:03:57

I think there's nothing wrong with what OP did.
The girl was not nice to her dd and she doesn't want to invite her to the party. The girl asked OP why she wasn't invited, OP said because she wasn't very kind to her dd. What's wrong with that? Yes they are still young, but someone have to teach the child that you need to be nice to the others to be liked.
I think Op is totally reasonable, her priority is her dd's happiness, not other girl.

Ohtherewearethen Sun 19-May-19 07:05:20

To those saying that 'she's only 6, she's still so young' - which age do you deem appropriate for a child to be told their nasty behaviour is affecting others? When they're 7? 9? 13?
You weren't 'mean' to this ill mannered bully, you simply stated a fact - she wasn't invited to the party because she's been unkind to your daughter. Six is plenty old enough to know that being unkind hurts other people's feelings. There have been some serious failings somewhere if parents and school haven't taught her this yet.

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