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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told 6yo the truth.

464 replies

malm275 · 19/05/2019 05:50

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread Hmm
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 19/05/2019 11:04

OP, you're my hero! You were definitely NBU! she's 6 and needs to learn there are consequences for her actions.

Mumsymumphy · 19/05/2019 11:05

I too work in a school and I'm continually and increasingly annoyed at the pandering to children by their parents.

Parents who want to be their child's 'mate' instead of their parent, children who never learn right from wrong because their parents don't want their child to 'fall out' with them, parents who don't like saying 'no' to their child.

Children are completely and utterly a product of their upbringing, environment, surroundings and situations. In 16 years of teaching I've only ever met a handful of parents who are genuinely at a loss as to what else they can do to change their child's negative behaviour. In the vast majority of cases you can completely understand why children behave the way they do once you meet and talk with their parents.

The 6 year old won't know her behaviour is wrong unless it is pointed out to her by parents, school etc. Doesn't sound like the parent has dealt with being told her child has been bullying yours. Or it would have stopped or at the very least, reduced.

You were not BU. You are a decent, loving parent who is rightly at the end of your tether seeing your daughter in tears, repeatedly - and unable to do much about it as it happens in school. So I can understand you blurting it out in the moment. But I would discuss it with the school in case this situation escalates.

Loopytiles · 19/05/2019 11:07

YANBU: you were asked a direct Q and gave a truthful response.

kateandme · 19/05/2019 11:08

ive seen a girl bully at 6 and she most deff new what she was doing!

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 11:08

And a 6 year old will not be traumatised by this as some have suggested. Also the idea that knocking someone confidence is always a bad thing is IMO wrong. Some people have inappropriately high self esteem. And this is actually recognised as a risk factor for later criminal behaviour.

6 is easily old enough to understand kind and unkind behaviour.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 19/05/2019 11:11

YANBU. One of life’s lessons for her......

Aprillygirl · 19/05/2019 11:12

Considering she'd been making your DD so miserable, to the point of reducing her to tears all week, I think you were remarkably restrained and should have said what you said louder so that her mum would hear to make her aware of her child's behaviour! YWNBU.

DollyPomPoms · 19/05/2019 11:15

My little girl is 6 and she is empathetic. She is aware that actions have consequences. ‘The girl is only 6’ is absolutely not an excuse. She knows right from wrong.

Fr0thandBubble · 19/05/2019 11:16

I think YWBU I’m afraid. I can see why you said it in the heat of the moment - that protective mother instinct comes out - but I think it would have been better to just say “Sorry, DD could only choose a few friends”.

I’d maybe call her mother and apologise - or at least be prepared to apologise if this issue doesn’t die away.

I think a lot of children - especially girls - have undiagnosed social communication difficulties. And you say this girl has “issues”, so I wonder.... I think you need to make allowances and 6 is still very young.

ittakes2 · 19/05/2019 11:17

Sorry but she is six years old! If you felt the honesty thing was important it would have made more sense for you to tell your daughter to tell her the truth. You are an adult and you must have known that being so hard to a six year old might have hurt her feelings. The same line of "I'm sorry we are only having a small party this year would have done!"

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 11:17

FrothandBubble And what about OP's DDs own needs not to be made to cry every day? Or do they not matter?

Walktwomoons · 19/05/2019 11:20

I don't think you were being unreasonable. It would have been better to say it was a small party etc, but you have at least given your daughter an example on how to stand up for herself, which she needs if she's being bullied.

ittakes2 · 19/05/2019 11:23

I get why you are upset at this girl.. but what does not being very kind mean to a six year old? If you were going to say something constructive it needed to be very specific like my daughter gets upset when you call her names or whatever.

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 11:26

But if the school were doing their job, then surely the 6 year old would know when she has not been kind to this child?
The school are supposed to have spoken to the 6 year old about specific incidences. So this is not the first time the 6 year old has heard this.

Fr0thandBubble · 19/05/2019 11:29

@clairemcnam I just think there were better ways to deal with it. Like speaking to the other girl’s mother or speaking again to the teacher. Saying what OP said, especially in front of others, was not the best approach. As others have said, the other child may have no clue she is being unkind.

Wheresthebeach · 19/05/2019 11:31

Not unreasonable in my view. The girl demanded to know why she wasn’t invited, and you answered. You told her her treatment of your daughter was unkind which is fair enough. She shouldn’t have pushed for an invite, and certainly not pushed for a reason.

The girl is bullying your child, good for you for standing up for your DD. Its not like you called her a bully. I wouldn’t worry about the crying, its a tactic bullies use to get others to feel sorry for them. IMO bullies get away with way too much..

lazyarse123 · 19/05/2019 11:35

Of course she knows she's being unkind. School have told her after she's been "mean" to more than one child. Some kids are just brats. Questioning an adult just proves that.

BornInGlasgow · 19/05/2019 11:36

I think you're brilliant OP. Serves her bloody right!

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 11:41

FrothandBobble I am not saying it was the best way of dealing with it, although I don't know what would be. The OP has already spoken to the school a number of times, and nothing seems to have changed. I doubt speaking to the mother would achieve anything.

And my point was that the school are supposed to have already dealt with this in the past. So presumably they did speak to the 6 year old and talk about specific times she was unkind to this girl. So if the school have tried to tackle it as they say they have, then the 6 year old has already been given examples of when she has been unkind.

Of course it could have been that the school did not want to upset the 6 year old and her mother. so have in reality not done anything to address this issues.

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 11:42

I admit I too would be taken aback at a 6 year old questioning me like this when they don't know me. That tends to show IMO a 6 year old with a strong sense of entitlement and inappropriately high self esteem.

Loyaultemelie · 19/05/2019 11:47

I think you were entirely reasonable. You didn't say anything wrong or untrue and you didn't criticise her personally. I have said similar and even stronger to the girl that has bullied both my Dd1 and her wee best friend (both of whom are very shy and not part of the in crowd (how that's even a thing in mid primary I don't know!). She asked could she come on a weekend outing for dd1s Birthday and was told simply "no" then told me she knew where we were going and would come anyway, I told her that was great I couldn't wait to tell her DM how rude and unkind she had been all year. She must have told her dm word for word because both myself and best friends Mum received texts from bully dm apologising for her dds behaviour and although school had raised a few issues she hadn't realised how bad it was, and was that why nobody came to her dds party a few months sooner (yes actually!). Since then her dd has improved hugely and actually plays well with Dd1 and her friend and also several others she made miserable for years, her dm is very aware of what goes on and has really stepped up and encouraged both the bully and her wee brother to consider how they treat people.

PositiveVibez · 19/05/2019 11:49

She will more likely have spent the weekend bitching about you and your dd

Or comforting her 6 year old child because a grown up told her she couldn't go a party because she was unkind.

OP, you didn't have the balls to tell the mum why you didn't want her child at the party, which is what you should have done, so instead blurted it out humiliating the child in the process.

OP, you're my hero! You were definitely NBU! she's 6 and needs to learn there are consequences for her actions

Really? Hero? Yes, takes a real hero to make a kid cry.

The kid is 6 ffs. Yes, she may be a bully and her behaviour may need checking, but you could have just said not enough room, too expensive, just a small party etc., a million reason why the kid couldn't attend, but instead you chose to be a 'hero' and tell her she was unwanted. Bravo. What a hero. Hope it made you feel great 🙄

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 11:53

positivevibe Or what the 6 year olds mum should be doing - helping the 6 year old understand what she has been doing that is unkind and how her behaviour has to change.
That is what she should be doing, but I highly doubt it.

fifig87 · 19/05/2019 11:54

Yanbu, sometimes the truth needs to be told and at 6, children should know actions have consequences.

DecomposingComposers · 19/05/2019 11:54

Or comforting her 6 year old child because a grown up told her she couldn't go a party because she was unkind.

So like the OP has had to do for her dd then when she's been upset by the bully?

Maybe a taste of her own medicine will do her some good?

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