To have told 6yo the truth.

[malm275]

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

Obviously it wasn’t the best thing to say, yes it’s good that you stud up for your daughter but you might have also made it worse for her. And for all you no the school might be asking you not to say anything to the mum because the mum is also working hard to help her daughter, maybe she does spend all weekend worrying about kids her daughter upsets and that her daughter may never make proper friends as a result. The fact that she didn’t say anything to you in the playground could say a lot, I would have absolutely said something if that was my child (although my son is nothing like that so I wouldn’t have need).

But then maybe everyone is too afraid to tell this girl the truth and if your comment sticks with her and makes her think then that’s not exactly terrible is it. I don’t think your a bully, I think it was I’ll judged but that this little girl just experience the consequences of annoying another human, which we all have to do at some point.

Hopefully the girl will atleast let the party thing drop now she has an answer.

Why didn’t she get invited last year, if she’s known your DD for 2 years?

I think YANBU btw. I’d probably have said worse being put on the spot like that.

The problem is that the girl might have no idea that she is being unkind and might not mean to be at all. There was a girl like this in dd's class. She was so desperate to make friends but as she was often rejected, no in a bullish way just that she wasn't really appreciated, she used to turn around and say things that were not nice which of course meant she was even more rejected.

Writing this, it is what you've done, and in the end, making her cry is not nice. If I were you, I would actually contact the mum, apologise for hurting her feelings and explain why your DD finds it hard to be friend with her. If you can ge honest with a - vulnerable- child, you should be able to be honest with her mum too.

It’s so tough isn’t it. I think the public circumstances were wrong for the message were wrong but I don’t think you should beat yourself up - the tiger Mum sometimes rears its head when your child is being harmed. Do tell school. Don’t speak to mum.

I can’t help thinking it will be good for the 6 year old to have her behaviour called out. I don’t know if 6 is too young but little girls (my own included) can be mean, and they need to know there are consequences to that.

Ywnbu if she's old enough to upset your dd everyday then she's old enough to be told the truth. If she hadn't pestered you to get her own way it wouldn't have happened, as a pp said that's probably what happens at home. I think you've done her a favour.

Once again on here poster are putting THE BULLY feelings before the child who IS BEING BULLIED.

The OP told the bully that HER BEHAVIOUR wasn't nice, she didn't say the BULLY wasn't nice.

The OP could have said because she is a nasty bully but she didn't she told the child that due to her behaviour and that she wasn't being nice to OP child she wasn't invited to her party.

Now if the other child parents had any sense they would be using this as learning tool to teach their child to play nice. But we all know that they won't.

@outvoid
I think you were a tad harsh and it would’ve been much kinder to just explain it was a smaller party with only six children because that’s the truth really... It’s not as if it’s her usual big party and you’ve just excluded this girl because she’s mean, it is because it’s a smaller gathering this year. She is a six year old. I get that she’s mean to your DD and to other DC too but you ultimately have to remember, she’s six. I am a little aghast at her Mother just standing back listening to her DD demanding to come the party though...

^^This is exactly it.

Sorry OP. I know you were put on the spot. Definitely go and speak to the teacher on Monday.

At age 9-ish I turned on one of DD2's rather obnoxious party guests and pointed out rather bluntly that the event was not all about her. It was a bit of a tumble weed moment, but it passed. We still see the child regularly four years later and she doesn't appear to hold it against me. And I'm glad I stood up for DD2, who was being side-lined at her own celebration.

I think what you said was perfectly reasonable. She asked why. You told her. If you'd said "because you're a nasty little bully" that might also have been true, but would have crossed a line. Saying she isn't very kind to DD is exactly the sort of language I'd expect to be used by someone dealing with 6yos.

I don't think you did anything wrong either OP.

You were wrong to say that to the girl. Not wrong that she wasn't invited.

Fine not to invite her, really unkind to tell her why in the school playground.

6 is very young. At that age, any bad behaviour from a child should be dealt with each time and at the time. Your response was childish.

My response would have been DD has chosen the ppl she wants to come.

That's true and probably wouldn't have made her cry.

I do think she was trying to manipulate you into saying yes by asking so loudly like that.

You are cross with dp, who needs a slap, because you had tried to avoid this. You might have anticipated and has a measured response ready. However it happened, it's not the end of the world. Ideally the mum would speak th the dc if she is aware. School should be aware and should have picked up bullying, or told you if dd is a snowflake.
Hope nice birthday

I had something similar happen with my ds - he was a little older. He wanted to give little Christmas gift to his particular friends (4 dc) (think small variety chocolate bars) a child who was a known bully & bullied my ds - came up to him demanding where was his! my son blurted out "my mum doesn't like you" (thanks son! he actually meant I don't like you! I had never said that! nb my ds was small for age & this child was big ) his mother came up to me & yelled at me saying my son had upset her son (she was a big bully too :) ) I was gobsmacked & said the first thing that came to mind (foot in mouth time) & said " that makes a change" (she looked at me open mouthed - while I wished ground would open up! however she obvious couldn't think of an answer (nb another mum - whose ds had been bullied -overheard & thought it was hilarious! I wouldn't recommend saying this you might get a smack - but it was abit satisfying)

I think that was very immature of you, sorry. I'd have just said no, sorry, we are not inviting lots of people this year and left it at that. You have done a lot of damage here all round.

I have seen many 6 year olds who are already well on their way to becoming serious bullies. I'm always amazed at how adept they already are at intimidating and hurting peers who don't do what they want ... but are also more than capable of being outraged and upset when someone treats them in the same manner. And their parents seem incapable of actually parenting them and telling them this behaviour isn't acceptable; they want an easy life at home, which adds to the problems.

I don't blame you for snapping in the moment, OP. You were honest, and you made it about the behaviour of the child, not the child, which was fair. The mother should be focusing on her daughter's behaviour, since this is clearly not the first time she's been told it's a problem, not on being called out on it. That only happened because her daughter would not stop demanding an invitation and harassing you and your daughter to get it. Serious lack of boundaries.

It never goes well when someone publicly makes a general criticism of a child that isn't theirs, "you're not nice/ she's a liar / he's a little thug" as opposed to intervening/calling out behaviour in specific instances e.g if X was shoving Y in front of you. We don't see every interaction between children and rarely get the full picture so I think it's wise to keep it zipped. I think you were unreasonable but these bloody friendship issues are a minefield so I do know how difficult can be.

I would say in my ds situation this child was physical &sneaky on the playground & pushed/shoved my ds & other smaller boys - but some children can be emotional bullies at very young ages -

1.This child who has been repeatedly mean to your daughter.
2.Has sent her home all this week upset because she has not received a party invitation.

1. Decided to tackle you, the parent, regarding the lack of invite.

You were not inappropriate in your response.
I would not go near the Mother, she knows exactly what her daughter's behaviour is like.
You can be sure she hasn't given a thought to your daughter's upset all week.

Give the teacher the heads up if you like but do not be apologetic.
Hold your head up and stand by your decision to support your daughter.

There are usually 1 or 2 children like this in every class. Pandering to them is not constructive.

Best of luck. I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.

She sounds like a little girl who is struggling to understand how to constructively socialise with others. All your comment did OP, was make her feel bad about herself because her 'friend' doesn't like her after all' without her even understanding why, let alone have the tools to deal with it.

Oh well. And clearly the friendship is one sided and only exists in the girl's head. The OPs dd doesn't like her because she is a bully and makes her cry every day.

Why don't you have as much sympathy for the dd, who is being bullied, as you do for the bully?

And why didn't the mum intervene when her dd had the cheek to approach another mum and demand an invite to a party and then to know why she wasn't invited?

If the school were dealing with this as they say they were, then the 6 year old would know what she has done to the OPs DD that is unkind.

And yes as some others have said, in general schools and society tends to care more about the bullies feelings than the kids being bullied.
I would be furious if my DD had been coming out of school crying every day for a week because of this child.

We all worry so much about offending the bully, that we forget she is daily causing misery to several others, oblivious that her actions cause distress.

Well done for calling her out on it. It is probably something her mother should have had a full and frank chat with her about when the school first raised it as a problem, but since she hasn't and the girl continued to demand an invite something had to be said.

6 is not 3. She is old enough to understand that every action has consequences, and you may just have been the catalyst that changes her into a much nicer person.

If I were you, I would actually contact the mum, apologise for hurting her feelings and explain why your DD finds it hard to be friend with her. If you can ge honest with a - vulnerable- child, you should be able to be honest with her mum too.

Wth? How about the other mum phones OP and apologises about her dd making the OPs dd cry every day? The bully is not the victim here.

But OP I do think you are wrong, because I think there will be fall out from this.