To have told 6yo the truth.

[malm275]

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

In your OP you said that your DD usually has big parties of 30+ children and friends, but that this child has never been invited. This strikes me as really quite mean. If the child is aware that she is never invited to your DD’s parties then I can kind of see why she’s so keen to attend this one. She thinks she’s your DD’s best friend, and if her unkindness has never been properly addressed then maybe she believes her behaviour is appropriate? Is she the child who always gets left out of everyone’s parties, by any chance? This always happened to my autistic DS and it’s absolutely horrible. I’m not trying to excuse the child’s behaviour at all but you’ve never invited her to any of your DD’s large parties....isn’t that quite mean?

" "because dd chose her friends and there's no room for any more. Sorry sweetie, see you tomorrow"."

Yuk!

But how is that any better-telling her that she's not considered a friend?

I agree with a pp-it was probably because she was told no.

I think you handled it well and were truthful without being nasty. 6 is old enough to learn that actions have consequences. You didn't lose control, you said you 'aren't kind' to DD. (Not 'you're a horrible, bully' or something.) Maybe she'll actually think about what she's doing to DD?

If the child's mother was close enough to hear the OP she was close enough to hear her child ask why she wasn't invited to a party! I would be so embarrassed to hear my child like that and would have hoiked my daughter away apologising to the OP before the OP had a chance to reply.

Bevelino This is exactly what I've been trying to do as well ... to give my daughter the tools to be resilient to this kind of behaviour and also, to have a little understanding about why it's happening... Maybe that's why I'm so annoyed that I cracked!

I'm really appreciating every response and I guess if there is one thing I'd like to say in my defence it's that... please don't think that I intentionally set out to hurt this child. It was spur of the moment. If I was like that then believe me, something would have been said before now! I have friends that wouldn't think twice about saying things like this and I don't always agree with them and would tell them otherwise.

Oh gosh, I had missed the bit about never having invited her to any of the larger parties. That not very nice.

Inniu... yes but that bit is probably not relevant as they have only known each other for the 2 school years, and I have never done a party where all of the children have been invited and one left out iyswim 🙈

You didn't crack! I think you were very measured and fair in what you said to the nasty little madame!

I think what you did was completely appropriate. If I was told mine weren't invited because of being unkind I would back up the parent saying that and be having words.

I think it was a bit unkind actually. At 6yrs she won’t necessarily know how to be kind to your daughter. Certainly my 5 year old is still developing in this which means I’m frequently intervening between siblings to point out how to phrase something in a kinder way.

It would have been better if you’d said something like “Sorry abc, I’ve said no this time. I’ve noticed that sometimes when you and DD are playing DD feels a bit sad. I think you might need a bit more practice at how to play together without anyone getting sad. I’m sure they’ll be other chances to play together.”

YANBu what did her mother expect allowing her demon child to accost you in the play ground?
Did she think every moron would pander to her bitchy behaviour.

I'd give zero shits and if the school brought it up I'd just look at them blankly and say she asked a question and I answered.

"because dd chose her friends and there's no room for any more. Sorry sweetie, see you tomorrow".

Wow saying this is in my opinion the worst possible response. For one it possibly sounds like a really bitchy, snidy thing depending on tone nit most importantly you would be shifting the blame from the nasty child to your DD. It's not your DD's fault that the child isn't invited so why should she shoulder the blame?! We teach children from very early about being kind so this won't be a new concept for the nasty child.

I think you were a tad harsh and it would’ve been much kinder to just explain it was a smaller party with only six children because that’s the truth really... It’s not as if it’s her usual big party and you’ve just excluded this girl because she’s mean, it is because it’s a smaller gathering this year.

She is a six year old. I get that she’s mean to your DD and to other DC too but you ultimately have to remember, she’s six. I am a little aghast at her Mother just standing back listening to her DD demanding to come the party though...

I can’t imagine ever taking to a 6 year old like that and making her cry. I think that’s horrible. You could have just said ‘No I’m sorry’. She’s just a child, it’s not her fault and the school are dealing with it.

If I was one of the other parents I would judge you.

All those saying soap is unreasonable and a bully herself were probably the school bully back in their day. DFOD

YouJustDoYou
I’m sorry you were treated like that and were very confused. However this was your parents’ / care givers’ job, not op’s.

It did occur to me that the child may have additional needs. It isn’t always obvious when children do. A boy at dds school has been made to feel really crap. I know he has issues, possibly additional needs as well. I do feel sorry for him even though he’s not helped with his reputation and his mother hasn’t handled things well. He needs kindness, not ostracising. He plays up more because of his reputation imo. My dd and her friends have been asked if they will play with him during their breaks. She’s a kind girl and has agreed - they also can have time alone. They’re yr6.

I don’t think you were BU. The girl asked and you replied.

She can whinge all she likes but someone had to tell her and if the school was “dealing with it”, the fact this girl was still asking for an invite and bullying your dd then the way they were “dealing with it” was ineffectual.

I in one sentence you have probably done more for that girls future than all the pussy footing round the bullying.

You have just pointed out to her actions have consequences which is something she should have been taught before now.

Whilst a harsh lesson, this girl has just learnt something very important. When your u badger people into giving you something you want but they dint want to give you (eg a party invite)m you take the risk to get a harsh answer from a pissed of person (adult or child btw).

And yes it’s harsh but then so was she by being on your dd’s back and then yours to get what she wanted.

My first thought is that she isn’t used to be told NO and that insisting a bit more gets her what she wants at home.
Followed by the fact she is a little bully in the making and having someone standing up to her is actually doing her a lot of good.

" I am a little aghast at her Mother just standing back listening to her DD demanding to come the party though..."

Well that's the whole cause of it isn't it?

Not only did she ask, even though she never has been before-she then put Op on the spot by asking why?

Of course she needs to understand consequences. The only reason she was crying was because she's not been pandered to and hasn't had her way. I learned consequences at nursery. No wonder she's causing problems with other children, more than just your daughter. One sharp reminder from an adult isn't going to harm her for life. I'm dealing with mental health fall-out from childhood emotional abuse but none of it comes from justified pulling up about behaviour by adults.

We’ve all felt like saying these things but at 6 you ought to have said it to her mother, not to her. Too late to do that now so you’ll just have to ride it out.
You can tell school but really, it’s not their responsibility to sort out.

Crikey it's a tough one. It gets frustrating constantly having your child upset due to another child and no progress seeming to be made in school. Iv also been on the other side when a parent approached me about my childs behaviour, unfortunately I was in a bad place and she ambushed me in the playground at pick up (highly anxious time for me anyway). I ended up cutting her off and telling her to speak to the school. Walked around the corner and burst into tears - sometimes contacting the parent isn't the best thing (my kids do have mild sen)

How old is this little girl. Five, six?

No I would not have said it to a small child of this age, I'd have addressed it with the mother. And I don't believe anyone who is neuro typical just blurts something out in this scenario and has no control over what they say to small children.

Well the issue is that you can’t assume that every child who is misbehaving has some SEN/SN. Some of them if not most of them aren’t.

The school was supposed to deal with that. They clearly haven’t. Not in that very specific situation, not before with other issues with the OP’s dd and not with other children either.
The parents of that little girl haven’t dealt with it, eg by stopping her as soon as they saw her asking AGAIN on the playground.

So then what? Is the OP suppose to just stand back and not say anything ever? What would it teach her dd? That when someone is mean/rude, you just accept it and just try to deflect but never ever attack the problem head first?

If it had been one of my own dcs (one of has SN btw) and they had been behaving like this, I would have told them exactly what the OP said. You are not invited because you have been mean/unkind to the child. They need to learn the consequences of their behaviour.

Yes you were unreasonable.

She thinks your daughter is her best friend, are you sure this girl is the bully? are either children bullies or is it a case of she wants to be your daughters' friend and as a result is annoying your daughter, which is a different thing.

I feel for that girl to be honest.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. My DS2 was picked on by a boy in his class for years and despite assurances from the school that they were dealing with it it went on until they went to high school.

If the school have made this girl’s parents aware of her behaviour and nothing is changing maybe a few missed parties and a word from other parents might do more good than the softly softly approach schools take these days. Why is it always wrong to upset the bullies at the expense of their victims.

I wouldn’t be worrying about this - the parent is giving you the cold shoulder because you had the courage to point out the obvious. She knows the nature of her child - it’s up to her to correct it. Hope your child has a lovely birthday.