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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told 6yo the truth.

464 replies

malm275 · 19/05/2019 05:50

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread Hmm
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

OP posts:
yomommasmomma · 23/05/2019 15:42

YABU and you were a bully towards a 6 year old. You should be ashamed of yourself.

mbosnz · 23/05/2019 15:45

Bullying generally is defined as repeated behaviour isn't it? This was a one off in response to the ongoing behaviour of the six year old. In fact, one could say the repeated behaviour of the six year old. Hmmm. . .

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 15:48

mbosnz

Completely agree.

I don't think anything the OP could have done, short of issuing an invitation immediately, would be considered ok by some on this thread.

It seems forbidden to say no to a child.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/05/2019 15:55

Repeatedly doing something that makes another child cry isn’t bullying??

Making another child cry once - I can accept that wouldn’t be bullying, but doing the same thing, making another child cry by doing it, every day, for a week - that is bullying, no question.

bruffin · 23/05/2019 16:29

*I don't think anything the OP could have done, short of issuing an invitation immediately, would be considered ok by some on this thread.,

It seems forbidden to say no to a child

I agree

Cottonwoolmouth · 23/05/2019 17:01

What a weird thread...

malm275 I don’t think it was necessary to tell her she was unkind. She is only six.

Why didn’t you approach her mum? Has anything else been said since? If one of my kids came to me crying I’d at least want to find out of the adult what had happened.

Has any one else made a child cry and just left the scene with out approaching the mother? Confused

Contraceptionismyfriend · 23/05/2019 17:14

If the mother wants to find out what's happening with her kid then she can. I wouldn't go out of my way to resolve that

Bizawit · 23/05/2019 17:27

@Cottonwoolmouth I agree - bonkers right?

bruffin · 23/05/2019 17:27

She is only six
What age do you stop using ,only

Contraceptionismyfriend · 23/05/2019 17:33

I can't believe these people saying a 6 year old can't be expected to hold the maturity to hear no and that her behaviour has been nasty.

I have a barley 5 year old and I'd be saying a lot worse if I found out he'd been systematically upsetting another child every day. I've told my some when his behaviour is mean/nasty/unkind.

No wonder we've got so many twattish teenagers running about.

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 17:44

I can't believe that some posters think it's ok for a 6 year old to ask for an invitation to a party.

I can't think of any age when my children would have thought to do that. They sometimes asked me if they could ask such and such mum if they could go on a play date and were very swiftly told that you wait until you are asked but that we could invite the child to our house.

Do children not get taught manners any more?

mbosnz · 23/05/2019 17:45

Better six than sixteen really. If she's told the consequences of her actions now, she's not being left to continue in her behaviour unknowing and unchecked. Could really be doing the kid a favour in the long run. . . since Mum and the school both seem too damp to deal with it effectively. Smile

Contraceptionismyfriend · 23/05/2019 17:48

@mbosnz that's the problem though. A lot of people don't think it's OK to pull her up on it!

mbosnz · 23/05/2019 17:49

Do children not get taught manners any more?

Apparently the manners fairy is supposed to hit them with the manners wand at an unspecified, but clearly, much later, age.

Or alternatively, maybe they are to be absorbed by osmosis, again, to be broken out at a much later age, when deemed sufficiently old enough not to be allowed to be rude or nasty anymore.

Personally I think it's much more effective just to teach them from the word go, knowing that occasionally you're going to have to remind them of the expectation, when they forget. Then it's much less likely that your child and another adult will be placed in the awkward position that this six year old and OP were.

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 18:13

mbosnz

Oh you are spot on.

Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 18:16

Contraceptionismyfriend

It’s barely - not ‘barley’- that grows in fields Grin

Either way I think it’s a bit wimpish not to talk to the mum about it.

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 18:24

Either way I think it’s a bit wimpish not to talk to the mum about it.

I agree. The other mum is a complete wimp for not apologising to OP for her dd's grabby behaviour and for bullying the OPs dd.

Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 18:34

I agree. The other mum is a complete wimp for not apologising to OP for her dd's grabby behaviour and for bullying the OPs dd

But how would the mum know? OP scarpered pretty sharpish.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 23/05/2019 18:37

This isn't OPs problem. If the mother has an issue she now needs to seek a resolution. Mainly parent her brat.

Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 18:38

Mainly parent her brat

Lovely words for an imaginary child you’ve never met...

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 18:41

But how would the mum know?

Because she was standing there and saw it?
And in the op OP says that she walked towards the mum in order to speak to her but mum walked off.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/05/2019 18:43

Good lord, @DecomposingComposer - you don’t expect people to read what the OP wrote, do you? Wink

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 18:47
Grin
Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 18:47

Nah I don’t believe it played out like that.

People just don’t make kids cry and their mothers say nothing. They just don’t.

DecomposingComposers · 23/05/2019 18:49

Well, that is what it says.

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