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Sat crying in a carpark with massive mum guilt, someone tell me I'm being stupid :(

(125 Posts)
Iveprobablybeenunreasonable Thu 14-Mar-19 13:42:20

I've just dropped my baby off for his final settling in session at nursery. He is 10 months.
His big brother (3) is at nursery all Day today too.
I'm back at work next week following mat leave and both of them will be in 7.30am till 5pm 4 days a week.
I feel like a bloody terrible person. I cant stop crying. I regret not doing more on my maternity leave. I regret choosing to clean my house some days over cuddling my babies.
I regret the days when I've been so tired I have just shouted all day.
My boys are the most gorgeous lovely little things and the thought of leaving them in nursery all that time is absolutely tearing me apart.
Someone tell me they'll be okay sad

Izzy24 Thu 14-Mar-19 13:44:26

They will be okay.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy- it absolutely isn’t.

But you’ll be fine, they’ll be fine and you’ll enjoy the days you are at home.

Topseyt Thu 14-Mar-19 13:45:58

I remember feeling just like this 23 years ago when I was returning to work after having DD1. I think it is natural to feel that way, and it doesn't make you an awful parent. Quite the opposite, in fact.

He will be fine.

ScatteredMama82 Thu 14-Mar-19 13:48:25

They will be ok and so will you. You know what, I get Mum guilt too but then I think well, if I don't cook and clean what kind of place would they live in? If I didn't go and do laundry and iron they'd not have clean clothes to wear. I could feed them crap or spend longer in the kitchen making healthy homemade meals. It's unrealistic to spend every moment cuddling and playing with your kids, as lovely as that would be. All the things you do, they are all taking care of your kids even if it doesn't feel like it. Returning to work is so hard but you'll get used to it. Good luck, and don't be so hard on yourself xxx

CloudPop Thu 14-Mar-19 13:49:31

It's is very tough. And there will continue to be tough days. However these early years go by so quickly, try to focus on enjoying the time you have together rather than worrying about what you can't change. Both of my children were in childcare from age 1 and they are now lovely, well adjusted tweens and we have a wonderful cherished relationship. sending you very best wishes, I remember exactly how you feel. All will be well. They know you love them.

thedisorganisedmum Thu 14-Mar-19 13:49:37

of course they will be ok, and so will you. You have chosen the best long-term solution for your family.

The fact that you are so upset about missing them is a pretty good indicator that you are a lovely mum. You can still cuddle them every night, and all the weekends, it's not good-bye.

Give it a couple of weeks and you will scream (In your head obviously) go the fuck to sleep when one of the little bugger wakes you up at 3am, you won't miss the cuddles then grin

RomanyQueen1 Thu 14-Mar-19 13:49:43

You have my sympathy, this was me and I was so bad I didn't go back.
I was nearly sectioned as I loved my dc too much to leave them.
They are all grown up now but I look back at the sheer panic of leaving any of them, I can still feel it.
I'm sure your children will come to no harm and be cared for, it doesn't make it any easier though. thanks

ScatteredMama82 Thu 14-Mar-19 13:50:16

...oh I also meant to say, make the other 3 days of the week count! You'll all enjoy them and look forward to them to get through the 4 days of work. I also work 4 days, and I now try to do my chores in the evening when the kids are in bed so that weekends are mostly free x

thedisorganisedmum Thu 14-Mar-19 13:50:50

I regret choosing to clean my house some days over cuddling my babies.

teaching your children a bit of independence and self-soothing from a young age is the best thing you can do!

SofaSurfer20 Thu 14-Mar-19 13:51:02

It's not easy but you are doing it for them. Your babies. Xx

Shinyletsbebadguys Thu 14-Mar-19 13:51:17

It will be ok I promise

I sent mine the same age as yours (roughly) and absolutely no ill effects

In fact little bumble has so much fun there it can be hard to drag him away

I remember that time when they were both there at that age and it's brutal on you (kudos for at least sobbing in the car park...i once cried in the middle of asda at the mere thought of youngest going into nursery....right by the mushrooms)

They will be fine ,it doesn't make you a bad mum and I swear you'll be laughing at this in a year

MereDintofPandiculation Thu 14-Mar-19 13:58:14

They'll be fine. Being able to get on with other people is also important - if they spent all their time with you, fitting in when they go to school would be more difficult, that will make it more difficult for them to learn interpersonal skills, and that will make their whole life more difficult.

Children need a lot more than cuddles, A clean and orderly household is also important. My mother didn't go in for cuddles and I feel I suffered as a result: I therefore focused on the cuddles, and one of my DS would have felt a lot happier with my mother's style of parenting, focusing on providing food and all the physical needs. You just do the best you can.

shutupyoueejit Thu 14-Mar-19 14:03:14

I moaned to a good friend recently about this, currently on mat leave with my second, and she sent me this... 💜

JustBloodyCold Thu 14-Mar-19 14:04:41

They will be more than OK. They will be brilliant. Be kind to yourself OP x

EmeraldShamrock Thu 14-Mar-19 14:06:23

Awh they'll be fine, plus DM working means more money to enjoy things, plus extra focus on family time.
I read somewhere written by a child psychologist there are 12 minutes in a childs day, to use that time to make them feel content it will set them up. The first 4 minutes after they wake, the first 4 minutes they arrive home from school nursery and the last 4 minutes before they sleep.
It made sense to me, to wake happy and sleep happy, I give them loads of cuddles and attention in those slots. grin
I feel less guilty.
As nice as it could be cuddling baby while on maternity leave, life needs to go on, dishes ironing unless your loaded.

cjt110 Thu 14-Mar-19 14:10:08

It is a great example to set your kids. Mummy (and Daddy) has to go to work to earn pennies to buy food, toys and nice things.

They will have a fab time enjoying nursery, interacting with other kids and learning lots of things.

Don't ever feel guilty for that. even if they cry when you drop them off. You are doing this for their (and your family's) own good.

You've got this xx

MaybeitsMaybelline Thu 14-Mar-19 14:11:33

They will be fine honestly.

I left mine 20+ years ago at full time nursery every morning at 7:30 and collected at 5:30 - 5 days a week.

They have no bad memories of nursery at all, only fun things such as sports day, certain songs, the geese in the garden and day trips.

These days I feel the same when I leave the cats in the cattery for 2 weeks. blush

Divgirl2 Thu 14-Mar-19 14:12:38

I was you! 6 months ago this was me - crying in the toilets of the shopping centre. And my lovely DS has come on leaps and bounds since going to nursery. He's so funny and confident and eats much more foods and sleeps in a cot . And I speak to adults at work.

The days I'm not at work are great too because I've spent my working days missing him so I'm a bit more chilled out when we've got a day together.

Your beautiful boy will be fine, just wait until you see his big smile when you go pick him up later. flowers

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks Thu 14-Mar-19 14:13:49

Oh bless you, the very fact that you're sitting there all snuffly and guilty is proof that you aren't a bad mum at all! They will be absolutely fine, and in fact they will learn to have some independence and grow and experience all kinds of things - what parent wouldn't want that for their LOs?

Marmite27 Thu 14-Mar-19 14:15:00

I’m back on Monday too. Just dropped the littlest off for a visit on her own and sat in the car in the car park on my own.

I’d not realised it was a leave visit, so dashed in, handed her off and went to the loo and she was fine. Went back in and was reminded I needed to leave and she cried.

On the bright side I can see my eldest in the playground from here. She’s having a whale of a time climbing on some crates. grin

I don’t want to go back 😩

SummerInSun Thu 14-Mar-19 14:17:28

Another voice for it will all be fine. Mine started at 12 months and 9 months. I felt just like you did. But I now truly believe that they are happier, better rounded boys for having had time at nursery from a young age. They learn that you come back when you leave, that other adults also care for them and love them, they get used to being with their peers, sharing, etc, early, get exposed to different ways of doing things, get to do lots of activities you wouldn't do at home like messy play and water play and group singing and storytelling. This will also be harder on you than them.

Think of it this way - you and they are very lucky you only have to go back 4 days a week. You've got an extra one compared to a lot of people to enjoy them and have fun with them before they starts school.

Clankboing Thu 14-Mar-19 14:18:04

You are being kind to them by going to work - you are giving them a house, the money creates the ability to buy clothes and food. You are enabling them to feel that it is normal to go to work. And when they get older they will presume that it is normal that they should too. By going to work you are making sure that they are cared for financially.

Whycantistaymotivated Thu 14-Mar-19 14:19:48

I had this for the first week or 2 after going back to work. DD was 9 months old went to a childminder and she loves it! has been going for over a year now. Everyday she comes home after having a fun enriched day. She loves seeing all her firends and interacting with all the other mindees.

Completly natural to feel this way but it will get better and it will benefit you all in the long run

HavelockVetinari Thu 14-Mar-19 14:22:50

I loved my dc too much to leave them.


@RomanyQueen that is unhelpful and unkind, implying that mothers who return to work somehow don't love their children enough. It's utter bollocks too.

OP, it's very normal to feel like that, I'd wager all parents feel like that when they go back to work. I was a mess, but decided to give it 6 weeks and see where I was then. Whilst the first couple of weeks were torture, by the time I'd been back 6 weeks I was fine, so was DS. You can do this. flowers

Mixedupmummy Thu 14-Mar-19 14:23:57

flowers they and you will be fine. it might take a bit of time to settle into your new rountine but you'll be fine.

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