Sat crying in a carpark with massive mum guilt, someone tell me I'm being stupid :(

[Iveprobablybeenunreasonable]

I've just dropped my baby off for his final settling in session at nursery. He is 10 months.
His big brother (3) is at nursery all Day today too.
I'm back at work next week following mat leave and both of them will be in 7.30am till 5pm 4 days a week.
I feel like a bloody terrible person. I cant stop crying. I regret not doing more on my maternity leave. I regret choosing to clean my house some days over cuddling my babies.
I regret the days when I've been so tired I have just shouted all day.
My boys are the most gorgeous lovely little things and the thought of leaving them in nursery all that time is absolutely tearing me apart.
Someone tell me they'll be okay

I completely empathise as I've been there too op, albeit 10 and 7 years ago. My dc loved nursery and as pp said upthread sometimes it was a struggle to get them to leave as they were having so much fun. They both have really fond memories of their time there and often talk about how they wish they were still little enough to go.

You are doing what is right for you and your family. It's natural to feel like this but it does get easier as you get back into the swing of things.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs and offering a virtual hanky to blow your nose in.

Mum guilt - the gift that keeps giving! They will be fine, you will be fine and you know that.
Both my DS were in nursery full time from 9 months old. My just turned 3 year old has just started pre-school.The tears and screaming and crying at school drop off have been epic. First day I cried all the way to work (and I work 30 miles away).

So you're not being unreasonable at all by crying, but remember they will have a great time and you need to cut yourself a break - you're doing a great job and setting a great example - good luck next week back at work

@HavelockVetinari I don't think @RomanyQueen meant it that way. She did she was nearly sectioned because of it! That's hardly implying it was a good way to be.

In nursery from a year old, full time. Adore my parents; love the memories of my childhood. Also, some of the kids from nursery are still my closest friends--it was like having lots of part-time siblings for me and built up a real village of community.

You can have my kids for a bit if you want. Free to a good home.

Poor you I sympathise OP.

Key things to remember:

• you are doing this for them, for your family wellbeing and financial stability
• when you aren't at work you will all appreciate each other so much more - quality over quantity

Xx

I felt so guilty about leaving mine that after my second child, I returned to work and then left. I'm still at home with them. I frequently feel stressed by the financial implications of not working outside the home and there have been many many days that I regretted giving up work and have wondered if I did the right thing. You have to do what works best for your family. There is no right or wrong. Whatever path you take will result in self doubt.

havelock

I'm not implying anything about other parents, just saying how it was for me. However, on reflection maybe not so helpful.
just that some parents do struggle with this and if they feel unable to go back, shouldn't feel forced into it if they have an option.

I know how you feel. Its not easy but it will be OK. and picking up at five is a nice time, you can still do tea and bathtime and cuddles. You've got friday-Sunday with them and your holiday time. Its just a question of routine. And also you are working to provide for them and you can take pride in that and the fact that you are staying in the world of work and won't be stranded when they start proper school. It will be Ok xxx

Mums have worked as long as there have been babies. You're doing what many many women do and have always done and it won't make a jot of difference to the love you have and the love they receive. They'll have more human beings to learn from and the time when its just you and them will be all the more lovely.

It's really tough when you have to do this and don't want to. But it will be fine. Your kids will be well looked after and learn lots, you'll still have your non working days with them.
I missed my baby dreadfully, but it did me good to go back to work.

FWIW I didn't interpret your comment as a dig RomanyQueen - Just that this overwhelming feeling of needing to be with them, whilst totally normal can end up being counterproductive, obv ending up sectioned isn't the ideal outcome for anyone. Hope you are better now xxx

Sending a handhold. I'm due back at work next week too and I'm devastated about it.

All will be fine and they're ok at nursery.

This was me 3 years ago, even though I decided to get her to start nursery ( full time, 5 days a week and under a year old) a month before I went back to work just for me to get used to it, but deep down, I felt empty without her at home. She still enjoys nursery

So tough the first few days! But who knows, he may grow to love it! I’m having DC2 in a few days, and I’ve chosen to keep DD1 (20 months) in nursery full time because she’s sooooo happy there. When she first started, I felt a bit guilty, but now that she comes home smiling every day and singing songs she’s learned and seeming so independent, I’d feel more guilty if I took her back out and kept her home with me again! Funny how the tables can turn. Hang in there. It’s a big adjustment, but if you’ve found a good nursery, you can trust that things will be MORE than ok!

Spending all day cuddling/stimulating your babies is a relatively recent invention.

Not that great parental stimulation and engagement isn't a good thing, but it can be dramatically overemphasised, and is of course a huge factor in mum guilt.

For vast swathes of history, the rich had nannies and tutors and governesses - even wet nurses, and the poor left their children to be minded by family too old or young to work, and housewives had a serious amount of drudgery to keep a house running, so children had to entertain themselves. (If you go back before gender theory of the Early modern period, being 'mistress of the house' was arguably seen as a management position - you wanted a sensible, capable woman who would order the household well).

Only when you get back to a primitive level of human society would you find that parents actually had their children with them all day, which was for protection more than anything.

You have already given your children something 99.9% of humans in history couldn't - a clean, first world childhood, and your focus for the first months of their lives.

Debated whether to write this because I don't want to make you feel worse than you do. I am sure they will be fine and settle in and enjoy the stimulation and variety. Just that, my own ds loathed it and only went two days a week. Now 15, he still insists he loathed nursery and remembers watching the door most days for me returning. I've no idea why, it was a well regarded nursery with great reviews. I think he was just a home bird and maybe, had he one more than two days, would have settled better. I feel for you.

Don’t regret anything, you sound like a lovely caring person. It will all be fine, honestly 🌻🌻🌻.

Cheer up OP mum:) no your not a bad mum at all and no its not wasted time my DD2 has just been there and dun that and she was much the same but her DS enjoys his nursery so much she says its a pleasure taking him!

I must be an unnatural mother - I hated being on mat leave and couldn’t wait to get back to part time work when DD1 was four months. Of course I loved both my babies, but being stuck at home as a housewife 24/7 is soul destroying.
I think we all benefited from me having a demanding career outside the home which provided intellectual satisfaction and adult company. I was able to really enjoy the kids while I was with them instead of resenting them.
I used a variety of childminder, nursery, nanny and out of school club, and the kids were fine with all of it. Yours will be too, OP, and you’ll enjoy your time with them all the more. Ditch the guilt, it’s utterly useless!

I well remember this. DH had virtually no guilt about continuing to work FT.

If you have a DH/P are they too organising childcare, parenting, doing drop offs/pick ups during the week? Hope so!

Are you content with the nursery? With DC1 I wasn’t, the nurseries we used didn’t feel right, and in retrospect I wish we had moved to alternative arrangements. I felt upset but didn’t act on it.

With DC2 / DC1 when a bit bigger we had an amazing CM/ preschool and I had much, much less guilt and anxiety.

DC1 is now much older and fine!

The mummy guilt is horrendous. Give yourself a break. You're doing great. It won't always feel like this.

I get this too OP. Mine have just gone up to 4 days a week as one is now 3 and the other 17months. I am also pregnant with DC3.

For me I feel the emotional wrench of missing them and their chat and cuddles.
I feel guilt that I’m “outsourcing parenting” for over 50% of the week
I feel sad that in some ways I’m not the mum my own mum was as she was a SAHM until I was 16.

But I also know that I go to work for

My mental health
My self worth: doing good work makes me feel good
To give the week structure
And MONEYYYYYY

Finally as I get more pregnant I get less mobile and fun. I’d rather they had fun with their chums and messy play at nursery than have to deal with massive me and my slow movement.

Just hugs really OP. They will be fine - and so will you! Just wish there was a pill you could take to quell ALL mum guilt. One day...one day...

This made me feel a bit tearful as I remember exactly how it felt. My little tots are now lovely bright chatty loving teenagers with a working mum who sets them a good example ( I hope!). It wont always feel like this.