Sat crying in a carpark with massive mum guilt, someone tell me I'm being stupid :(

[Iveprobablybeenunreasonable]

I've just dropped my baby off for his final settling in session at nursery. He is 10 months.
His big brother (3) is at nursery all Day today too.
I'm back at work next week following mat leave and both of them will be in 7.30am till 5pm 4 days a week.
I feel like a bloody terrible person. I cant stop crying. I regret not doing more on my maternity leave. I regret choosing to clean my house some days over cuddling my babies.
I regret the days when I've been so tired I have just shouted all day.
My boys are the most gorgeous lovely little things and the thought of leaving them in nursery all that time is absolutely tearing me apart.
Someone tell me they'll be okay

They will love nursery and they will be absolutely fine.
Being a mom is bloody hard sometimes.
I hope you have a glass of wine and some chocolate tonight x

Google 'good enough parenting' OP. You can never be perfect. Now is a good time to do a bit of reading and also to settle your mind about all the guilt motherhood seems to bring. It's not inevitable! Being 'good enough' is the best thing for your babies.

If everything was perfect for them what kind of person would they be?You love them and you'd do anything fro them. Actually what that means is you need to be happy to make them happy. Guilt is a massive demon.

Oh OP, they will be OK and you will be too. It's a new normal to get used to it, but you will and soon it'll feel second nature to you all - right now, emotion is dictating everything but it won't always feel this torturous I promise you.

For many of us working mums, we simply don't have a choice. I have always had to work, there's never been an option not to work, and so I tried (and occasionally failed) to do it with a smile, knowing not only was I bringing in money we needed for the family, but also I was showing my kids a really good partnership where we both work, we both sort the house, we both look after them and they've never known any different.

When I wobbled, I reminded myself that when they weren't with me, they were in a warm, safe, caring environment - not down a mine or up a chimney... It made me feel better!

Another handhold for you, OP! My babies were 3 and 11 months when I went back to work, and although it was really hard, I really benefitted from work. Time with adults, time to use my brain...it made me a much more settled mum, and my time with them was so much more appreciated. They are 11 and nearly 13 now, and we are so close...I don't feel like working has made any negarive difference to my relationships with them. Good luck💐

It's all good.

Your feelings are all valid. That moment you were too busy cleaning and not hugging. That's good. That moment where you were bored (and you know you were). That's good too. The moment where your heart felt as though it would burst from all the love you hvae inside, that's good too. All these feelings are there because you are human.

You are not a terrible person (unless you're a serial killer and even Dexter had some redeeming features).

Seriously, honour all your feelings. They are all valid and know you are doing the thing that is right for your family.

It will be ok, OP, bless you.

What does your 3 year old say? Does he enjoy nursery? I kept my 3 year old in nursery 3 days a week the whole time I was on mat leave with her brother. She loved it and would have hated to stop going. She is 5 now and still bangs on about how much she loved it there.

Please don't feel guilty, it is important for your family that you go back to work and your DC will adapt and flourish.

thecatsthecats - I think that's a good point. One-to-one parent-child time is absolutely lovely but my paternal great-grandmother had eleven kids so it was in short supply for them. My second cousins (who are maybe in their early fifties) were pretty much raised by their teenage aunts and not their mother. Heck, my mother and her friends in the 80s were very self-satisfied about being superior mothers because they were SAHMs, but the way they spent their days wasn't child-centred in the way we'd understand it now - babies spent a lot of time in bouncers etc and bigger kids were made very aware that they were just children and shouldn't interrupt adult time/ conversations unless a limb was hanging off.

Of course, there's been loads of variation in how people parented in every generation. But certainly there's no universal truth that previous generations spent their days cuddling their babies and gazing into their eyes/ describing every bit of their daily routine to boost their toddler's vocabulary. Not that I don't sympathise very much with the OP .

Mum guilt - the gift that keeps on giving

That is so true. Children at nursery all day - guilt
Children not at nursery - not being socialised - guilt
SAHP - setting a bad example - guilt
Working parent - not spending enough time with children - guilt

There is literally an opportunity to feel guilty every way you turn. And the thing is we have to do what is best for our families and we shouldn’t have to feel guilty. There’s no right thing to do and no wrong thing. Your DC will be fine. Your youngest will settle in then you will find something else you are conditioned to beat yourself up about. It’s hard and it can feel horrible but your DC will be completely fine

It's such a tough time of life and a hard thing to do.

They will be fine and so will you. You're not abandoning or neglecting them. You are putting them safely in an environment where they will be cared for and stimulated, and returned each night to their familiar cosy home.

Long term, you are keeping your career alive so you can provide for them and set a great example of work ethic and of mothers with careers. Few men would feel bad about going out to provide for their families and you don't need to either.

But it is so hard to do. And it's such an exhausting and emotional time whatever you choose or have to do while they are small.

The only thing you could do wrong is not love them and neglect them. You are not doing either of these.

Ah, Mum Guilt. Mine’s 19 now and at Uni and I still feel guilty about things, going back to when she was in the womb.
Was I too anxious? Did I give her anxiety? Have I overprotected her/babied her/loved her too much? Took 5 years to produce her and then couldn’t have any more so you can imagine what a PFB she was. My Mum Guilt is bloody endless. 😂😩

The good thing though about the passing of time is that the things that seem like a TERRIBLE PARENTING FAIL™️ at the time seem ridiculous when you look back. At some point you have to think “Well, I’ve done my best and they know beyond doubt that they are loved unconditionally”. That’s it. You are doing your best and the fact that you are very sad and crying and have guilt means you love your DCs and are doing your best.

Assuming your eldest likes nursery, they will be perfectly fine and no doubt have a whale of a time. You won’t cry every day and it will get easier very soon. You might find that (if it’s an option) dropping a few hours a week works better. It did for me, but it’s completely personal and depends on loads of things.

Anyway, well done for crying in the car - bonus bravery points to you. Big hugs. xxx

Oh oh oh! Please please don’t cry! Mum guilt is a vicious bitch and the guilt fairy should just fuck off, she’s so clearly not wanted or needed. Cow bag that she is, she’s latched onto you today. I have no advice, just sympathy and I know you are strong enough to be ok.

Going back to work with mum guilt is a really shit feeling.

Your boys will be fine, they will have lots of fun at nursery and they will cherish their time with you even more than they do now.

You are doing what you need to do to pay for them to eat and be warm and clothed and have a home - that makes you a great mum. Let me tell you, I work from home so have been around loads for my DD but she has STILL ended up with separation anxiety and is now having counselling for it - if your DC gain a bit of independence from going to nursery I would see that as a good thing and confidence building in the long run.

They'll be fine. My little boy started at 10 months and does 4 days a week 7:30am to 5pm too (I work 5 days his grandma has him 1 day). I was like you too with crushing mum guilt but then I realised me and DP are working to put a roof over his head and food in his belly. The fact that you're so upset shows that you care about them a lot.

@itwaseverthus why did you write it then? I think this is a case of if you haven’t got anything nice helpful to say, then it’s probably better not to comment.

itwaseverthus
if you notice a child who really doesn't settle, it's really worth trying another nursery.

i remember having an absolute sobbing meltdown in my car on DDs first day at nursery. she was slightly older at 3, but the sheer panic and heartache was the same :). OP you will be fine. Your boys will love their independence and look forward to seeing you at 5pm to tell you stories about their days (in time). You will get to have some adult time and earn more money for them. The days out and holidays you will be able to afford will also be special time together because you dont see one another all day every day. For today be kind to yourself and go get a coffee and a cake somewhere and enjoy a few hours.

I think in these cases necessity must trump everything else, OP.

If however, you don't have to work (and only if you don't have to), and you're feeling this torn, then I'm not sure. We always suggest women listen to their feelings and their gut, but we ignore this when it comes to going back to work. (Again, I'm only referring to those women who have to go back to work.)

The first time I left my baby at nursery I felt guilty at how freeee it felt getting on a bus without a pushchair
I worried-I'm a worrier-but didn't feel guilty about working because I had to buy little things like food and heating.
I actually think our generation of mothers over thinks so much when it comes to parenting. (In fact that wasn't even a verb when I was growing up!) I'm not sure agonising over exactly how much you cuddle them or every time you shout is nessecarily any better for kids than previous forms of parenting.
They will be fine-if you don't like the nursery, change it, don't be swayed by what other parents think. Over the years I went through different permutations of nurseries, childminders, grandparents.
I worked part time (3-4 days) for years and dc told me recently (we were discussing me working f/t) that it would have better if I had always worked f/t because we would have had better holidays and a better house!
So, you can't do right for doing wrong!
Chin up. No man ever felt guilty about going to work and neither should you.

When I dropped my 3 month old off at nursery I cried all the way to work. It gets normal, not easier. I feel your pain 13 years on still. :-/

Just being honest! And he did settle as far as I could tell at the time, it's only now years later he says he hated it!

Ah love, I really feel for you. I think going back to work is the hardest bit, harder than labour! You sound like a great mum. 4 days is a good balance and working is for your kids too - money, role model etc - it’s not just about the caring. Mine were at nursery, now school age, I love them, they love me, we’re all happy. It will be fine but be kind to yourself while you adjust

Harder than labour?!!

Mmm hmmmm

It means you had a lovely
Time with them OP and that you love them and you are human
I am all emosh about my little baby starting secondary school . We love them

I agree
Labour is a one Off event

Getting back to the workplace and 🔪🔪 politics and getting back is hard hard hard