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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sat crying in a carpark with massive mum guilt, someone tell me I'm being stupid :(

124 replies

Iveprobablybeenunreasonable · 14/03/2019 13:42

I've just dropped my baby off for his final settling in session at nursery. He is 10 months.
His big brother (3) is at nursery all Day today too.
I'm back at work next week following mat leave and both of them will be in 7.30am till 5pm 4 days a week.
I feel like a bloody terrible person. I cant stop crying. I regret not doing more on my maternity leave. I regret choosing to clean my house some days over cuddling my babies.
I regret the days when I've been so tired I have just shouted all day.
My boys are the most gorgeous lovely little things and the thought of leaving them in nursery all that time is absolutely tearing me apart.
Someone tell me they'll be okay Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Iveprobablybeenunreasonable · 14/03/2019 20:34

Thanks so much for all of these lovely replies. I read half of them earlier and then had to stop as it was making me cry more (because you were being nice)! And I didn't want to walk back in to collect him crying.

I went back to work after ds1 when he was 11mo and all was fine but he was only in 2 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL had him. He's always really loved nursery and has lots of friends there.

Unfortunately while I've been off on mat leave my MIL passed away aged just 54. So obviously it's been a terrible time for us all and now also means that both boys will be in nursery 4 days a week as opposed to getting to spend half of their week with her.

Ds2 has absolutely loved his settling in sessions, I've had not even so much as a tear from him. So honestly couldn't wish for anymore from them.

I have enjoyed being with them so much and they get on so well, I've loved watching them together for the past year and I hate thinking that they're about to be split up now.

I also really like my job, after we've paid the £95 a day nursery fees I won't be taking a lot home which is frustrating but long-term
I need to stay and financially it is better for me to go back than stay home also.

Thanks again for your comments. They've really cheered me up tonight and I'm so grateful Smile

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 14/03/2019 20:59

Oh OP no wonder you’re an emotional soda stream at the moment, that’s a heck of a lot to deal with, I’m so sorry to hear about MIL. Flowers

SlipperOrchid · 14/03/2019 21:29

Have you looked at different t childcareoptions? Childminder? Nanny? Au pair? This would l reduce the impact of separating them. Even though they will be separated at school, they could be together before and after school? Or else you could change things again according to their ages and needs?

shirleyschmidt · 14/03/2019 21:57

Gosh I needed this thread. In a similar boat, OP, except my always-happy DC has been a bit unsettled and clingy since starting a month ago, which makes me feel just awful. I've had a bit of a cry about it this evening, but reading some of these lovely - and very wise - posts has reassured me that you just have to crack on for the benefit of the family, and the children will adapt (hopefully!!). Particularly liked the Instagram post from a PP, so relatable!

Hope your son continues to settle in well, sounds like he will! And great that he has his older brother there, so if ever there is an unhappy moment he'll have his sibling 😊

Desperateforspring · 14/03/2019 22:34

Goodness what an enlightening thread.
So DC who are at home with parent are with mums who are spoiling them too much Confused , their DC won't be socialised Hmm ( endless toddler play groups, soft play, meeting up with peers , messy play and parks,) clearly are not as valued as a nursery setting ... and mums who stay at home during the formative years are a) not setting good examples too their DC... and b) are not raising confident independent children.

Clearly the only successful way too raise a child is to put them in some under paid teens care from 7.30 am to 7.30 pm every day of the week. GrinShockConfused

Neverender · 14/03/2019 22:40

This is perfectly normal. I took DD to her first full nursery day and then wandered around holding her coat (whilst crying). You'll be fine Flowers

Neverender · 14/03/2019 22:41

Desperateforspring some people don't have a choice. Harsh words...read them back.

Neverender · 14/03/2019 22:41

Clearly the only successful way too raise a child is to put them in some under paid teens care from 7.30 am to 7.30 pm every day of the week.

firsttimebabybirther · 14/03/2019 22:46

They will be fine. More than fine.

They will make friends , lovely memories and so much crafts to fill your home with.

Soon this will all be your normal and your time with your babies will be so much more valued.

Go easy on yourself Thanks

Izzy24 · 14/03/2019 22:53

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your MIL OP.

How very sad for all of you.

Bluesrunthegame · 14/03/2019 22:53

I remember this, I absolutely hated leaving DS1 when I went back to work. My sympathies, OP, it's tough. I felt like my heart was being torn out of me.

I gave up in the end after getting made redundant on mat leave with DD. Had DS2, didn't go back to work for years, although I studied and did freelance work from home part time.

I hope it all works out for you, you like your job, your children like their childcare, it's all good.

CleanAndPaidFor · 15/03/2019 08:24

@Desperateforspring your post is nasty nasty nasty. LITERALLY NO ONE is criticising parents who stay at home with their children. This thread is giving support to a mother who is upset, and offering the wisdom of many women's experience. You are the reason women get a reputation for being bitchy. No need for it.

HowdidImissPancakeDay · 15/03/2019 09:44

Probably a minority opinion but I think our choices as mothers make much less of a difference than we think, despite the amount of time we spend agonising over those choices. Provided our kids are loved hard and not neglected, I've never seen it make any real noticeable difference in the long-run whether they experience paid childcare, are weaned with purees or BLW, travel in a sling or a buggy, sleep in a cot or the parental bed...

(Spoken as a child of a SAHM who thought she was creating superbeings because she didn't go back to work til we were at university. We're fine but no more so than our peers, my siblings hardly ever comes home to visit despite being half an hour away, and my mental health was shaky for years).

Original poster
Iveprobablybeenunreasonable · 15/03/2019 10:00

@howdidimisspancakeday I never really thought of it like that. My mum was a sahm also till I was 10. I just thought that was the norm and I remember still the day she went to work for the first time like it was yesterday. I remember it because it was a huge shock and I remember feeling a little panicked about what would happen if I was poorly etc. And also my sis who was older then started getting lots more chores to do before my mum got home from work which she was a little resentful of! Nothing major just stuff like walking the dog, looking after me rather than going out with her friends, peeling the veg for dinner etc. Stuff my mum had always done prior.
It's an interesting perspective you've put on it for me actually because my boys will never have that big adaptation period in later life like I did which I'm glad about

OP posts:
Izzy24 · 15/03/2019 10:52

I just think parents have to make the choice that is right for them at that time.

Obviously they will take into account all the issues that are important to them but there just can’t be a one size fits all answer.

There’s just the best decision for a particular family at a particular time.

You don’t need to justify anything OP. You’ve clearly had a really tough year - I know you haven’t asked for any advice but my 2 cents worth is to be kind (er) to yourself.

FlowersWineCakeBrewGin

(Choose any or all ☺️)

Shinyletsbebadguys · 15/03/2019 12:51

@desperateforspring you are clearly projecting your own insecurities with your post and have become nasty doing so

No one I believe is criticising SAHM and how dare you then feel it is your right to then criticise those who need to use childcare

It's fine to point out what you feel the benefits of staying at home are in general but to do it on a thread where a mum is struggling with the thought of childcare and to use such disparaging terms tells me exactly what kind of person you are ...

SlipperOrchid · 15/03/2019 15:34

In fairness to Desperate and as a SAHM myself, this thread whilst being very supportive to the OP did veer into applauding the working parent for doing more for their children than SAHP.. I thought so myself but didn’t comment as did not want to take from the spirit in which the posts were written.

panzotti · 15/03/2019 17:43

Do not worry. We have ali been there and they will be fine...my advice would be to start planning your career so that you can be home in the afternoin when they are in their teens...in my experience they need more care and attention then!

Everything will be fine and do enjoy your work and your earnings!

Leapfrog44 · 15/03/2019 17:50

You sound depressed. Those kids will grow up into fine young men, just make sure when you're with them you're 100% present. x

SherlockSays · 15/03/2019 17:55

I will be you in 6 weeks time, with my 9 month old DD (no older child though). I know I'm just going to sit out in the car park for an hour and cry.

I know it's the best option for us all and I've enjoyed my KIT days immensely but it's the guilt of her being there so long. She'll be in 4 days a week - 3 of 7.15 to 4.45 and then a slightly shorter day on a Friday when I WFH Sad

SherlockSays · 15/03/2019 17:58

@RomanyQueen1 turns up on all the childminder/nursery threads to remind everyone of her superior love for her children because she couldn't bare to leave them and make a living for them all Hmm

katseyes7 · 15/03/2019 17:59

Sweetheart, please don't beat yourself up. You sound like you're amazing mum. l wish my mum had been like you. x

toffeeghirlinatwirl · 15/03/2019 18:23

This is a lovely supportive thread. My sis returned to work this week too and she was a bit wobbly beforehand. DN is absolutely fine. I’m so sorry about your MiL.
Big hugs you and your boys. Flowers

Lemonyfuckit · 15/03/2019 18:33

Just from the perspective of the child, which I hope helps (I don't have children yet although expect I will find myself in exactly the same position as you OP) - I do distinctly remember that when I was little, and my mum dropped me off with our lovely next door neighbour who was my childminder, I used to cry and say I wanted my mummy. When my mum picked me up I used to cry and I say I wanted my childminder. My poor mum! I do hope she didn't feel horribly guilty although I imagine she did like so many women in this position, because honestly, I was completely and utterly fine and happy, I was just being a fickle whiney 4 year old. I never ever once felt neglected, or like I didn't get enough time love or attention from my wonderful mum, and I always took it as completely and utterly normal that both Mum and Dad went out to work. What I'm trying to say is, I think it's completely normal and understandable you feel like this, but I'm also sure your two DS are fine and happy.

Mmmmbrekkie · 15/03/2019 18:34

Might have missed this, sorry

Nanny nanny nanny.

You get the right one and it is just wonderful. I would want my nanny to take on my children if I ever died!