Friend called my child's behaviour psychotic

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

I bumped into a friend and her 3 year old with my DC in the park this afternoon. We met when our DC became friends at nursery and used to meet up every 2-3 weeks but after she changed her work hours it gradually tailed off. She is pretty rigid with her DC and ensures they adhere to every single rule. I'm more relaxed but definitely don't let them run riot. For example - if no one else was in the park, I wouldn't have a problem with my DC climbing up the slide, if they see puddles I don't mind if they splash in them, if they want to climb trees, collect rocks, stroke dogs - that's fine. My friend always looked shocked and told her DC a firm no to joining in.

My three year old DD is very unpredictable and I have been concerned about her behaviour for a while. Her older sister has HFA and I wonder if she too is on the spectrum, or if she could have ADHD. The incidents that prompted my friend to call her behaviour 'psychotic' were:

DD climbed to the top of a spider web type net and called me to wave. I waved and then 10 seconds later she called me again, I turned round and she leapt off the top of it at me It was high and luckily I wasn't holding the baby and managed to catch her. She has form for doing this - leaping from the top of the stairs at me without warning, jumping off the sofa onto my back when I'm changing baby on the floor. She seems to have no comprehension of what she's done wrong afterwards.

After the park we were all walking to the car park together. We were waiting for a green man to cross the road and I was adjusting my dogs lead as she was tangled and I heard the click of the pushchair break. DD had taken it off and if I hadn't been blocking the wheel with my foot then baby would have rolled into the road. Again, DD appears vacant when told off.

My friend messaged me this evening to say something needs to be done about DD, that her behaviour is psychotic and she doesn't feel safe having her DD around her. She knows I have approached the GP before but without nursery reporting issues they won't refer her.

AIBU to feel totally at a loss as to what to do with DD? I have a feeling this isn't the first friend I've lost over her behaviour. Consequences make no difference to her whatsoever. She hurts me or at least one of her siblings daily without fail due to not thinking through her actions. She's almost 4 now and her speech is pretty much incomprehensible to everyone except me and her siblings but she doesn't care. If we do gluing or painting at home, she'll just cover herself in it or pour it all over the paper. We can't have play doh because she eats it. I can't leave her alone for a minute because she's always so impulsive - I've caught her mid air about to jump on the dog from the kitchen table, stopped her pinning the baby down numerous times. She just looks vacant when being reprimanded and carries on the way she is.

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

*brake

[justasking111]

You really need to insist to your GP that your child needs to see someone.

[Nothingunpleasant]

And there’s been no incidents like this at nursery?

[Gligeen]

The psychotic comment was unfair. It could have been phrased better. Saying that, your dd does not seem to understand danger and as you say her speech is delayed. Has she ever been assessed?

[Georgepigthedragon]

You have a health visitor until she is 5. Ask for an ASQ2 assessment. Then if she scores high they can refer on.

[RamonaQuimbyAge48]

That sounds so exhausting. It's fine to ask for help. Your DD sounds like a bundle of energy with sensory seeking and impulsive behaviours. Speech would be a worry too, she is probably feeling frustrated not being understood.

I like the saying 'if in doubt, check it out'. With HFA in the family, hopefully your GP will help with referrals, rather than fobbing you off.

[Tennesseewhiskey]

Is the issue that your friend said it?

Or is the issue, that you think she is right and was just been honest, and are worried.

Sorry to ask, I am just not sure what it is that are seeking advice/support on?

[Rowenaravenclawsdiadem]

She sounds like my DD she was diagnosed with ADD when she was 8.

Your friend calling her psychotic is supremely unhelpful.

[dontticklethetoad]

This does sound concerning OP.
Do you have access to a local HV? I may just be lucky, but I've always found our ones to be more helpful on non 'medical' issues.

[janetforpresident]

Your friend used an inappropriate word as she is not qualified to call your dd psychotic but she has a point and I admire her for being brave enough to speak up.

In one outing you had two incidences which could have resulted in one of your children being severely injured or even their death. Sorry but I agree you should see the GP.

[gamerchick]

You do need to intervene OP. She needs assessment and you need support before it weighs you down and burns you out. ADHD goes hand in hand with autism and you may need to shout very loud.

[Excited101]

You need to get this behaviour looked into seriously op.

[RickOShay]

I remember ds1 jumping off the stairs and expecting me to catch him, I was amazed at his complete trust
Your dd doesn’t sound psychotic to me, but I would talk to your gp or health visitor.

[3luckystars]

Can you ask the nursery about her behaviour there?

Your gp does not need a referral from the nursery, there must be some children not in nursery when they are assessed.

Sorry about your friends poor choice of words.

[Bambamber]

Saying the behaviour was psychotic was inappropriate and saying that will never go down well. I'm not surprised she's concerned about the behaviour though, it sounds as though your daughter is a danger to herself and those around her. Have you sought help with her behaviour?

[KimchiLaLa]

Agree your friend was out of line to use that word in relation to a young child.

[Fabbyabbyy]

Your friends comment about your daughter was definitely unreasonable. I’d be pissed if someone called my child psychotic.

You sound very aware of your daughters behaviour and that you’re desperately trying to do something about getting her assessed but are being fobbed off. I feel for you. Not sure if I’m correct in saying this, but, I think health care professionsals are reluctant to diagnose behavioural issues in children until they’re at least 5?

[Crushedvelvetcouch]

Your child is not psychotic, she is not a psycopath.
Your child possibly needs an assessment to determine whether she has any developmental/behavioural issues.

Psycopathy isn't a developmental/behavioural issue and imho your 'friend' is an arse.
Ditch her.

[Linning]

OP, I am sorry to say but your DD really needs to be refered to someone and see a specialist as soon as possible, the psychotic comment was very very rude but I have worked with lots of children your DD's age and while they all end up doing something dangerous without acknowledging the consequences every once in a while, the speech delays and her general behaviour doesn't fall within the norm. The fact that she is a danger to herself and others is very concerning and you need to get help to protect her and people around her. She should NOT be left alone with the dog or the baby at all within the current circumstances, she obviously doesn't understand consequences and it's probably not her fault but I don't blame your friend for feeling like her own kids might be at physical risk when you yourself say you and your other children/pets are physically hurt by her on a daily basis. Some of her behaviour could have tragic consequences so you need to stand up for her and insist she is seen by specialist because currently she IS a danger to herself and others.

Lots of virtual hugs though OP as it does seem like you are very concerned and doing your best! x

[SusanWalker]

Could you try going to the health visitor and asking for a referral to speech therapy? Bypassing the GP.

My son has autism and dyspraxia. I was the only person who could understand him until he was five. The health visitor did a referral to SALT, who did several assessments, then referred to a developmental paediatrician who diagnosed dyspraxia. He was later diagnosed with ASD.

I don't know what you can do about her behaviour other than what you are doing. You could ask the health visitor for a referral for a specialist parenting course. I've done two, both for children with ASD.

Then second course was more useful in content, but both were useful because everyone contributes and you get really useful tips from the other parents.

It also helps with pushing for an assessment if you can show you've tried all avenues your end.

Did you tell your friend you think she may have additional needs? To be fair I don't think I could hang round with someone whose first thought was to call my child psychotic. If she was concerned about your child surely she would have found a nicer way to express concern. I would distance myself I think. Like I did from the mum who expressed faux concern, whilst calling my child thick and special.

[Yabbers]

I agree the nursery thing is bollocks. Find another GP if that’s what you were told.

[Dohee]

I'm sorry that your friend used that word but it does sound like there is something not right.

[MotherOfDragonite]

Gosh, what a supremely unhelpful comment from your "friend". I'd have hoped that a grown up could phrase a concern like that more tactfully.

With that said, it does sound as if you have concerns about your DD too. It feels wrong for your GP to be brushing them off just because nursery isn't concerned -- girls with ASD often 'mask' at nursery/school, so parental concern is important.

Somebody suggested to me that, when faced with a GP who blocks referral, you ask directly "are you trained to assess and diagnose ASD?". The answer is, of course, no. So you push for a referral to somebody who is, because you have continued concerns. (We've since been referred).

[user1471426142]

That does sound worrying. From your friend’s perspective, shes seen your child release the pram break by the road and then not be they bothered by a telling off. She didn’t use the most sensitive or appropriate language but I can see why she raised concerns. It’s not really relevant to use a whole para to say how she is quite strict on behaviour, not liking mud etc. What you’ve described goes way beyond different parenting styles.

You then mentioned incidents at home of her trying to jump on the dog or pin down the baby. Those are all potentially really dangerous and possible attempts to hurt others. It must be utterly exhausting for you and it seems ridiculous that you can access help easily.

[MadeForThis]

The word psychotic was unhelpful and wrong.
DD's behaviour does need to be looked at. She's a danger to herself and others. It must be very stressful with a young baby in the house.