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DH has been lying to me for over a year

(126 Posts)
Welshgal78 Sun 23-Sep-18 14:41:20

My DS (18) confessed to me last night that he smokes. Of course I was disappointed but he's 18 so he has a right to make his own life choices. What REALLY upset and annoyed me was, my ds told me that he told my DH August 2017 and ever since then my DH has been buying him cigarettes with our money, behind my back. So he's not just kept this secret from me but has been going behind my back on a daily basis for over a year now! AIBU to feel like I can't trust him anymore? Note: this isn't the first time he's lied to me. I'm so confused. I would never keep secrets from him especially about our DC. I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

Walkingdeadfangirl Sun 23-Sep-18 14:45:29

Maybe your DS asked him to keep it to himself, he was obviously afraid of your reaction. It was your DS secret to tell you, its not your DH role to betray his son.

AhoyDelBoy Sun 23-Sep-18 14:45:46

I’d be very annoyed. More so about the smoking aspect than the lying tbh. I really can’t believe that in 2017/18 kids are STILL taking up smoking!

PristineCondition Sun 23-Sep-18 14:46:08

I dunno, they are both adults, it’s not a lot of cash, it’s not heroin.

Do you think they didn’t tell you because you would overreact and they didn’t want the aggro?

QueenCity Sun 23-Sep-18 14:47:57

Why on earth as your husband been buying him cigarettes?! I can't understand why any parent would do that! I'd be very pissed off too!

Haireverywhere Sun 23-Sep-18 14:51:28

For me trust is the most important aspect of a relationship. I would be annoyed about this, but if he has lied directly about it, very concerned because you are then looking at a pattern of deceitful behaviour as you say he has lied about other things. Lying because it's more convenient than arguing? Lying to hide things he knows you'd leave him for?

KnotsInMay Sun 23-Sep-18 14:52:28

In August 17 he wouldn’t have been 18, though, would he?

I would be upset , OP. That DH had colluded in a lie with our son, collided in illegally buying cigarettes for an U 18 yo, with household money, and failed to tell me something about my 17 yo that massively impacts on his health.

Does your DH smoke?

19lottie82 Sun 23-Sep-18 14:52:49

it’s not a lot of cash

I take it you haven’t seen the price of cigarettes lately?!

Mrsharrison Sun 23-Sep-18 14:54:44

DH is trying to be cool dad.

KnotsInMay Sun 23-Sep-18 14:55:23

I would be beyond angry that my DH had bought addictive cancer causing cigarettes for my son. Obviously your Ds was having difficulty getting them, no I.d or too expensive, so your DH enabled his habit.

Really, really irresponsible.

redshoeblueshoe Sun 23-Sep-18 14:55:41

Of course it's a lot of cash. Cigarettes are nearly £10 a packet.
What does your DH say about it ?

Whocansay Sun 23-Sep-18 14:57:10

I'd be more pissed off that your DH is supporting his habit.
But yes, I would absolutely be angry.

Crunchymum Sun 23-Sep-18 14:57:34

Does your DH smoke?

Is he DS's dad?

Mummadeeze Sun 23-Sep-18 15:01:31

Totally unforgivable sad I would be devastated. I feel so sorry for you. Your DH should have told you right away.

Lovemusic33 Sun 23-Sep-18 15:02:27

I can see why your angry but I guess your dh was put in a awkward position by DS. Your DH was wrong to buy him cigarettes though, if he can’t afford to buy them himself then he shouldn’t be smoking, your dh isn’t teaching him a good lesson is he?

eddiemairswife Sun 23-Sep-18 15:04:14

Does your husband smoke? If not, can't you smell the smoke on your son?

Ghanagirl Sun 23-Sep-18 15:06:23

I’d be really annoyed cigarettes cause cancer fact.
Plus very expensive 2 packs a week £520 a year not to mention trust and collusion issues!
YANBU

Justnoclue Sun 23-Sep-18 15:10:07

“It’s not a lot of cash”

Wow if you don’t think cigarettes are expensive I’m shocked.

Plus it’s an expensive habit that will harm your health. Not the sort of thing I could forgive being hidden tbh.

diddl Sun 23-Sep-18 15:11:23

" I guess your dh was put in a awkward position by DS."

In what way?

Buy me cigarettes-or what???

hackmum Sun 23-Sep-18 15:12:06

* I guess your dh was put in a awkward position by DS. *

No, he wasn't. DH just had to make it clear he was not going to do anything that would facilitate him smoking, and refuse to buy cigarettes for him. It's not difficult.

Welshgal78 Sun 23-Sep-18 15:12:31

Yes DH smokes and no he's not ds real dad, his real dad died in 2015. I didn't massively overreact, even at 17 he was legally an adult and has to be given the freedom to make their own life choices. I was more upset that my ds thought I would overreact. What hurt me most was the fact that everyday for the last 13 months my dh has been going behind my back to buy him cigarettes and smoking them together, after I go to bed. Like I said earlier, I would never keep secrets from my dh especially about our or his dc, I would give dc's a reasonable amount of time to tell their dad (whatever they told me) themselves, but I wouldn't lie to my dh for 13 months.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Sun 23-Sep-18 15:13:55

I'd be fuming. He's actively enabled your son in doing something which could kill him and has deliberately lied to you. I'd find it hard to go back from that tbh.

AnnieAnoniMoose Sun 23-Sep-18 15:15:28

He’d be gone.

He has a history of lying to you and I wouldn’t tolerate that.

He’s enabled your CHILD to smoke - in my world 17/18 year olds (especially those still living at home) are not adults. An adult buys and pays for their own cigarettes. I’d be beyond livid with anyone enabling my child to smoke, but their own? Jesus wept. He’d be gone so fast. Fucking idiot.

IdaDown Sun 23-Sep-18 15:15:52

YANBU

I’d be seriously pissed.

Who starts smoking these days?

caffelatte100 Sun 23-Sep-18 15:16:36

I'd be questioning if we shared the same values. and yes, I would be very upset and disappointed. Cigs are v. expensive and your dp has bee enabling your son to do something expensive, additive and bad for his health.

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