Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DH has been lying to me for over a year

125 replies

Welshgal78 · 23/09/2018 14:41

My DS (18) confessed to me last night that he smokes. Of course I was disappointed but he's 18 so he has a right to make his own life choices. What REALLY upset and annoyed me was, my ds told me that he told my DH August 2017 and ever since then my DH has been buying him cigarettes with our money, behind my back. So he's not just kept this secret from me but has been going behind my back on a daily basis for over a year now! AIBU to feel like I can't trust him anymore? Note: this isn't the first time he's lied to me. I'm so confused. I would never keep secrets from him especially about our DC. I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

OP posts:

muchalover · 23/09/2018 16:30

My mum died at 54 from smoking. Never having smoked in her life, however, my dad did and she allowed all 3 of my sisters (and therefore their partners) to smoke in the house. This decision killed her (my dad did not smoke in the house but of course still contributed). It used to be like Stars in their Eyes in my house as a teenager. I've never smoked.

My 23 y/o son recently started smoking but I made it so difficult for him during his 2 week stay with me that he has now quit. I will not enable anyone to smoke, either in my house or anywhere near it. The price is too high for me.

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2018 16:33

Good for you. That's an excellent result.

OP, what have you said to your 'D' H? (I'd have flayed him alive)

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2018 16:34

Having said that, I wouldn't have married a smoker in the first place.

ExFury · 23/09/2018 16:39

How do they get on?

Could have been a (very) misguided way of building a better relationship? It’s not excusable, but did it give them something in common they hadn’t had before?

Libertarian · 23/09/2018 16:45

You sound really controlling OP, no wonder no one told you. Mumsnet seems to be awash with these really controlling posters who then wonder why no one tells them anything.

Libertarian · 23/09/2018 16:46

anitagreen · 23/09/2018 16:47

He's 17 nearly an adult or 18 sorry he can make his own choices, yes your husband shouldn't of brought the fags but you have no right to tell him if he can or cannot smoke

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 16:49

Isn't the OP saying she's upset about a lying DH? That is an issue in its own right on top of the smoking issue I think.

BrokenWing · 23/09/2018 16:56

You sound really controlling OP, no wonder no one told you. Mumsnet seems to be awash with these really controlling posters who then wonder why no one tells them anything.

Which part of ops 2 short posts sound controlling???? [Hmm]

Libertarian · 23/09/2018 16:59

Which part of ops 2 short posts sound controlling???? [Hmm]

The ones where she's booting off about the decisions of two adults.

LynetteScavo · 23/09/2018 17:00

I totally understand your reaction to this.

But I think your DH has been doing this to bond with your DS. The fact that he was letting DS fo something he wasn't allowed to, and you didn't know. I've bet they've had some nice chats each evening over a cigarette.

So I think you need to be cross with the both equally, and they can bond bit more, being in the dog house together

eddielizzard · 23/09/2018 17:02

I'd be upset about the lying, especially over something that's a health risk.

happypoobum · 23/09/2018 17:03

Controlling? Seriously? This is OPs child's health that has been put at risk using her money!!!

Ok, he is 18 now, and of course he makes his own choices, but her DH has been facilitating this behind her back, using their money.

I understood this to be that OP was mad at DH for doing this,not mad at DS for smoking...

SD1978 · 23/09/2018 17:06

Has he lied or omitted? Have you ever asked him if DS smokes, or have they big juts kept it from you? I understand it being upsetting, but I see a difference between a bald face lie and juts not telling you something.

KnotsInMay · 23/09/2018 17:06

Libertarian: 17, which is when this started, isn’t an adult.
And a partner lying is a partner lying.

Does libertarianism stand for encouraging your 17 year old offspring to take up addictive highly carcinogenic habits without having a chance as a parent to put your pint of view?
I guess it does.
Ah well, maybe you’re right. In the end few of us care whether our children live or die once they reach the adult age if 18.......

notacooldad · 23/09/2018 17:16

I am a non smoker and don't like smoking. However apart from the age issue which I would be mad about while the lad was under 18 I couldn't get mad about anything else unless the DH has deliberately lied.

Once the lad was 18 and he has capacity it is up to him if he smokes or not. He knows the facts and can make an informed choice.
DH Is buying him fags, not great but if that's how he choices to spend his money his call I guess.

I don't see the need to know everything that goes on with every member of my family. In this situation I would be dissapointed that DS smokes because I would then think he had the brains of a rocking horse but that's as far as it goe.

Deadringer · 23/09/2018 17:21

Keeping it from you is one thing, but buying fags for his son? I would hit the fucking roof! My db has just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer so this really hits home with me. I would never trust him again.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 23/09/2018 17:29

He's 17 nearly an adult or 18 sorry he can make his own choices, yes your husband shouldn't of brought the fags but you have no right to tell him if he can or cannot smoke

She can if it is family money paying for it. If I found out my DD was smoking then I would agree it is her choice, however, I would cancel the current monthly standing order for her living costs (she is at uni) as I DO have the right to not support something I disagree with. Fortunately she finds it as disgusting as I do....

“I know men that would buy their 17 yo son a pint of beer, doesn't mean they are turning them in to ragging alcoholics. A ciggy isn't much different. “

Cigarettes are VERY different to alcohol! Much more addictive and much more harmful (and not only to the one doing the smoking). Why do you think tobacco advertising is banned and the products have to be hidden while alcohol can be advertised and openly displayed?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 23/09/2018 18:23

Maybe the son was going to get cigarettes by any means possible, including unsafe and possibly illegal methods. The DH might have ended up buying some for him because it was safer than the alternatives.

And not volunteering information is NOT the same as lying, as much as some MumNetters wish it to be.

But how can a mother not know her son was smoking for a whole year?
Probably another side to this story.

DarkDarkNight · 23/09/2018 21:41

I would be pissed off if my son’s dad ever did this. I hate smoking, everybody these days knows how dangerous it is. It’s one thing to know he smoked and not tell you - I would not be happy about this alone - but to buy him cigarettes is encouraging him.

Libertarian · 23/09/2018 22:10

There's nowt wrong with a cig to help one unwind after a long day.

Mum2jenny · 23/09/2018 22:13

Given ppl can get married at 16, can't really get too bothered by smoking at 17.

However OP, the deceit shown by your dp would really piss me off.

HopeFaithAndSkulduggery · 23/09/2018 22:14

Www.whyquit.com

MacosieAsunter · 23/09/2018 22:16

I would be pissed off if my son’s dad ever did this.

The ops sons father died in 2015

Blameanamechange · 23/09/2018 22:20

Dh shouldve told yr ds that he would have to tell you. Thats shit even more so because hes his stepdad. Id probably use a bit if emotional blackmail now to stop him smoking by saying that his biological dad wouldve been disappointed in him. Yr dh is totally in the wrong. You say hes lied before. Must be hard trusting him. YANBU. Maybe get him some of those nicotine chewing gums. Smokings bloody awful and such a waste if money. I cant believe people spend that much on them.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5