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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has been lying to me for over a year

125 replies

Welshgal78 · 23/09/2018 14:41

My DS (18) confessed to me last night that he smokes. Of course I was disappointed but he's 18 so he has a right to make his own life choices. What REALLY upset and annoyed me was, my ds told me that he told my DH August 2017 and ever since then my DH has been buying him cigarettes with our money, behind my back. So he's not just kept this secret from me but has been going behind my back on a daily basis for over a year now! AIBU to feel like I can't trust him anymore? Note: this isn't the first time he's lied to me. I'm so confused. I would never keep secrets from him especially about our DC. I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

OP posts:
quizqueen · 24/09/2018 20:22

You have chosen to be with a partner who smokes so I don't know why you're surprised that he thinks it's okay for anyone else to smoke as well. I agree that the not telling you is bad but you're the one who has bought a bad example into the house as you've said he's not his dad.

bertielab · 24/09/2018 20:22

I be livid. Encouraging a child for over a year to smoke, secret giggles over -now grumpy has gone to bed let's chill and have a fag. £20 a day on fags, £1000 a year out of my money. I am a very anti smoking person though.............

searose · 24/09/2018 20:37

This is the behaviour of an addict. invariably their addition will take over all else. Of course he will have an excuse and will have convinced himself that was for your son to tell you himself. He will say he has been trying to convince him to do so. The late night smokes together have bonded their relationship or what ever.

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/09/2018 20:38

How much is your Ds smoking? Even a packet per week is £520 per year. How on earth did your Ds get started? I know a lot of teens around your ds’s age. At a party for 60 people there was only 3 cigarette butts. Only 3 people smoked and they had only one cigarette each. It is not something that teens seem to do anymore. Or at least the teens I know. There may be chewing gums and vaping etc to stop but if it was that easy to stop cigarette companies would be out of business. I witnessed the sheer Hell of growing up with family members who wanted to stop smoking. It wasn’t pleasant for all concerned

PeachyPeachTrees · 24/09/2018 21:16

The 'Dad' and your son are bonding over this and DH likes this. The smoking and both lying for a whole year is a worry.

adreamofspring · 24/09/2018 21:40

I do agree with PP that this is enabling behaviour from the DH. I don't see how saying so is snowflakey.

OP said that they'd been smoking together after she goes to bed. I think DH enjoys having someone to share his addiction with him and has almost encouraged it; I'd be annoyed about that as it's selfish.

Has DH said if he would do the same for his own D.C.?

Mishappening · 24/09/2018 21:41

It's not the lying that would bother me so much as that fact that your OH has actually been buying cigs for his son - unbelievable!

CosyLulu · 24/09/2018 21:46

Do you smoke, OP? I mean is it a 'norm' in your household? As an ex-smoker, who hid it from lots of people I cared about, I do know how the addiction can 'blind' you in a way. However, I would find the deceit of your dh to you very difficult to take. Have you confronted him with it yet (apologies if you've already said this, I've skimmed but not read the whole thread)

smileyfacechocolatebutton · 24/09/2018 21:56

I’d be furious too! If he’d kept it secret I’d have been upset and annoyed but could have seen that he was put in a difficult position. But to buy them for him and smoke with him behind your back is unforgivable.

BackBoiler · 25/09/2018 04:35

Your son should be able to stop easily because he is young...if he wants to.

MoonageDaydreamz · 25/09/2018 05:44

Going against the grain here - Yabu. You remarried someone who was a smoker and therefore brought a major smoking role model into his life. Where do you think he got the idea that smoking is a normal, socially acceptable thing in his life? Yes, blame your 'd'h for enabling him, but you are the one that put him in a position of being able to do so. I would never never never marry a smoker for that reason. Smoking as a habit is on the decline and I can only imagine most kids who take it up are those who have a smoking role model.

BadLad · 25/09/2018 06:17

I be livid. Encouraging a child for over a year to smoke, secret giggles over -now grumpy has gone to bed let's chill and have a fag. £20 a day on fags, £1000 a year out of my money. I am a very anti smoking person though............ At the risk of throwing gasoline onto the flame of your anger, £20 a day is £7,300!

Icanttakemuchmore · 25/09/2018 12:41

Can't believe it's been going on a year and you've not smelt cigarettes on your ds to question him before?

searose · 25/09/2018 12:57

The PP is living with a smoker so it would not hit her in the same way as if she were not exposed to that smell all the time

Figgygal · 25/09/2018 13:03

I would be absolutely livid too. Enabling a young person to smoke a habit that is expensive, anti social and so damaging to health is unforgivable.

A years worth of fags is a bloody fortune i would be livid too and sorry your ds was afraid of your reaction but so they should be there is no excuse for people starting to smoke these days.

Bashun · 26/09/2018 06:25

Why can't you believe it? Smoking is cool when you're 17+

Bashun · 26/09/2018 06:27

Maybe that's why you are out of the loop, because you're a pain in the ass and create drama over cigarettes, FYI

orangeicecream · 26/09/2018 06:49

Batshun...... WTAF? smoking is not a small thing!

Libertarian · 26/09/2018 08:07

@Bashun I agree, op is very controlling.

searose · 26/09/2018 09:21

There is nothing in what she has said to indicate she is controlling she is understandably upset that her son and husband have kept a secret from her for a year.

MatildaTheCat · 26/09/2018 09:35

A year is plenty long enough to have set a young man up with a life long addiction which could easily kill him one day.

YANBU I’d be beyond disappointed and furious.

Loopytiles · 26/09/2018 09:41

Terrible actions from your DH. This would be a deal-breaker for me.

Loopytiles · 26/09/2018 09:43

It’s not at all “controlling” for OP to be angry with her H for actively encouraging and enabling an expensive, unhealthy and dangerous addiction in his underage stepson, and lying about it.

searose · 26/09/2018 09:57

The OP married a smoker and there does have to be some understanding of how addition impacts on people. I too married a smoker but he has been prepared to work at his addiction and recognises how it controls him. He would never do what DH has done. I would be heart broken. the only way back would be for him to be very remorseful and prepared to recognise how he has put his addition before his marriage and make changes.

bananamonkey · 26/09/2018 10:01

I’d be pissed off, if he wants to smoke it’s his decision but he can buy them himself, I would to be want to be part of it.

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